There is alot made of these terms and they carry an awful lot of emotional and psychological baggage which is likely not entirely evident to someone who isn't going through this process. Thankfully I am now in the "post-op" camp and feel slightly more able to discuss, at least some, details at a highish level which is a great improvement over the time immediately before where the very idea of discussing things with all but my closest friends was abhorent.
I think I'd like to go through a list of "things that scared me" and hopefully this might give an idea of how someone approaching the same surgery might feel:
Stopping Hormones
All hormone treatment has top be stopped 6 weeks before surgery. As I understand it this is mainly for safetys sake as estrogen increases the risk of blood clots and I guess any medication in your system can potentially interfere with anesthetic or other drugs you may be given during or immediately after surgery.
You'd think that stopping taking pills or sticking patches on your body would in some way be a relief (I can't say I miss Spiro pills - they are huge) but the implication is that your hormone levels return to a point they were at before. This was a horrifying prospect for me as I it was so important to me to have the 'right' hormones in my system, it made me feel like "me" and I hated the thought of giving them up.
I'm not sure of the chemistry/biology involved but just stopping medication didn't actually have an immediate affect (apart from me not liking the thought of it), it did take a few days, possibly a week for me to start to feel any different. I know some people have said the increase in testosterone makes them feel irritable or angry, given my pre-HRT level was barely into the normal range I wasn't too worried about that and certainly it didn't seem to happen. I did feel quite frantic, and kind of paranoid. Also I really withdrew alot and found it harder to talk to people, kind of like a loss in confidence.
Also my sleeping pattern got completely wrecked; normally I'm fairly consistent with sleep and can easily feel when I'm too tired and go to bed early and get up early for work. I kept waking up and not being able to settle again, or if I slept through I didn't feel rested and was way more tired then I've ever felt. That and possibly other things really affected my concentration and my attention span. I remember one odd implication of that when I was trying to pick a film to watch and couldn't decide on anything, just nothing felt right and when I finally picked something I stopped watching it after a few mins and just couldn't settle on doing anything. All very weird and disconcerting.
Sexuality
I'm not sure how true this is but I read/was told that testosterone affects libido in both men and women so one of the things that actually did scare me is that suddenly I'd have an uncontrollable sex drive which I would find extremely distressing. I'm sure many people won't understand this or even find it quite funny, but it's not, it's something that makes you question who you are and made me feel very uncomfortable and upset.
Control
I've never had an operation with general anesthetic before, and the thought of being forced asleep did really upset me for quite a while. When attending the GIC and talking to my the specialist there he commented that I was a bit of a control freak (he is right) and I definitely saw being anesthetised as a huge lack of control. I was really worried about being allergic to the anesthetic to or having a reaction or not waking up, etc, etc.
As it turned out it didn't even hurt when they put the needle in and I just drifted off quite quickly and came round afterwards reasonably fast too. Several people, my Mum in particular, commented that they work out the amount of anesthesia so accurately these days and the whole process is so precise that there isn't much in the way of feeling groggy or half-asleep anymore.
Death
I've never had major surgery before so have no idea what to expect; so I started imagining the worst possible scenarios! I definitely worried that I wouldn't wake up afterwards or have something serious happen like a blood clot that affected my brain! My imagination did run riot for a while and there were times that I was very scared but strangely I didn't worry about this worst case as much as I thought I would. I think I was more concerned about surviving but having complications.
Complications
Knowing about certain potential complications just made me worry about them. Some aren't particularly serious in the grand scheme of things but they are things I just didn't want to go through. I had a few nightmare scenarios in my head and it's always easier to worry these will happen rather think about it rationally.
It's very easy from this side of the surgery to see that I was worrying about nothing and that's maybe how other people see it. But I really was very scared, worried, pre-occupied and apprehensive about the whole thing. The affect of stopping hormones was very definitely real and not pleasant at all (and my ability to write about all of this in a quite open and honest way is testament to the fact I'm back on hormones and this has started to level my thinking out, even if it's just psychological rather that phisiological at the moment).
As I was told before I left hospital, this is major surgery, it does take time to heal and recover and it is a big deal for many reasons. Anyone going through this is going through a major change in their life (for the better) and it isn't easy at all. And all of this is something very hard to explain to anyone else who isn't close to you, very few people have a frame of reference in which they can understand what you are going through.
The problem that I found was that the last thing I wanted to do was explain any of this to anyone. Talking about it before surgery meant to me that I would be labelled as "pre-op" and I absolutely hated the idea of anyone knowing that. This is again maybe something hard to understand if you've not gone through it but it just became a real concern of mine that my surgical status be kept absolutely private.
Now, I am much more relaxed about so many things, I commented to my partner just today that a whole load of my inhibitions have just disappear and, aside from the fact that I really need to get a load of exercise and tone up, I don't have any hang-ups about my body anymore. I might not be the most attractive person in the world, but I'm really me now and that is all that matters.
Showing posts with label transition. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transition. Show all posts
Thursday, 29 December 2011
Monday, 12 December 2011
Packing and Panicing
Well, I'm now down at the hospital and my surgery is tommorrow at 8:00am! Not feeling too bad at the moment but I'm distracting myself lots from reality by watching movies and processing images! When I stop and think about what it coming up though I do get nervous.
Sunday consisted of what the title says in equal measure. I packed loads of stuff and tried to remember everything I needed to as well as trying to tidy the house ready for my return in a weeks time. It was all rather hectic and frantic.
I wanted to try and write something to my son as a "just in case note" (I'm sorry, I'm really scared by all this, never had an operation before and everything is going around in my head about it) but couldn't think what to write. There is so much I want to say to him, like I'm sorry I've put him through the past few years and how I wish it could have been different. I want to tell him he is such an amazing person to have dealt with it all so well and I am incredibly proud of him and love him so much.
I just want to get through tomorrow and the next few weeks/months of recovery so I can see my son again and we can get back to doing all the fun things we did together (need to plan another trip to Legoland).
I think I'm going to go back to watching films (and listening to the ridiculously loud and dangerous sounding wind outside - it's blowing a gale) as writing things about my son is really emotional at the moment.
I should also say a huge huge huge thank you to all of my fab friends that have been so supportive and just plain fantastic. I am very very luckly to know so many wonderful people and I really couldn't have go through what I have over the years without your help.
Right, time to watch another film, going to watch Paul I think as that is suitable silly and distracting :)
Sunday consisted of what the title says in equal measure. I packed loads of stuff and tried to remember everything I needed to as well as trying to tidy the house ready for my return in a weeks time. It was all rather hectic and frantic.
I wanted to try and write something to my son as a "just in case note" (I'm sorry, I'm really scared by all this, never had an operation before and everything is going around in my head about it) but couldn't think what to write. There is so much I want to say to him, like I'm sorry I've put him through the past few years and how I wish it could have been different. I want to tell him he is such an amazing person to have dealt with it all so well and I am incredibly proud of him and love him so much.
I just want to get through tomorrow and the next few weeks/months of recovery so I can see my son again and we can get back to doing all the fun things we did together (need to plan another trip to Legoland).
I think I'm going to go back to watching films (and listening to the ridiculously loud and dangerous sounding wind outside - it's blowing a gale) as writing things about my son is really emotional at the moment.
I should also say a huge huge huge thank you to all of my fab friends that have been so supportive and just plain fantastic. I am very very luckly to know so many wonderful people and I really couldn't have go through what I have over the years without your help.
Right, time to watch another film, going to watch Paul I think as that is suitable silly and distracting :)
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
Counting and Caterpillars
This is slightly out of date now, but when I came up with the title for this blog post it was very relevant. And yes, it's been way too long since I updated this blog, particularly as I've had so much I could have written in it, both good and bad. Maybe I will get a chance to keep up the updates over the coming days, I certainly hope so.
To explain the title: I'm currently counting down the weeks, well now days, until I have surgery. I am not going to go into what I'm having done since I don't feel I want to disclose and discuss that. What is significant is that I've never had an operation before, well, not one where I have had a general anesthetic. Of all the times I have been in hospital before I have been pretty-much on edge and freaked out by the whole experience; I do not deal with medical stuff well at all.
I am pretty much completely petrified by the prospect of my operation, which is now, as I write this, less than a week away. I'm constantly going over it in my head and essentially worrying/fretting/thinking about it all the time to the point where it's making me dizzy sometimes. I suspect that this will only get worse the closer the actual date approaches. I'm normally fairly switched-on, quick-witted (well I like to think so), and vivacious, but I'm just so preoccupied that I'm none of those things at the moment. I can't concentrate on anything nor do I feel like doing that.
None of this is helped by the fact that, in preparation, I had to stop all medication which meant that I went slightly nuts for the first week or two until a temporary injection kicked in and restored the balance somewhat. Generally though I've not felt that good off my normal meds and while I'm sure it can be worse for others in a similar situation, I will be very glad to get back on track after my operation.
So, not a fun time, though certainly could have been worse and I'm equally definite that, if all goes well next week, this pain, and the discomfort ahead will be worth it in the end. I have to admit to some degree of excitment at getting things sorted out and the, hopefully, positive impact it will have on my life. I just have to get through the next few weeks and months and get myself back to normal, or, better than that in fact.
Oh, yes, the caterpillar thing: I spent a week or so not sleeping very well and constantly waking up feeling like I was wrapped in a pupa of bed sheet! Sadly I think there is no metaphor here; I'm not likely to emerge as a beautiful butterfly, but I'll be happy enough to be a more relaxed and together caterpillar :)
To explain the title: I'm currently counting down the weeks, well now days, until I have surgery. I am not going to go into what I'm having done since I don't feel I want to disclose and discuss that. What is significant is that I've never had an operation before, well, not one where I have had a general anesthetic. Of all the times I have been in hospital before I have been pretty-much on edge and freaked out by the whole experience; I do not deal with medical stuff well at all.
I am pretty much completely petrified by the prospect of my operation, which is now, as I write this, less than a week away. I'm constantly going over it in my head and essentially worrying/fretting/thinking about it all the time to the point where it's making me dizzy sometimes. I suspect that this will only get worse the closer the actual date approaches. I'm normally fairly switched-on, quick-witted (well I like to think so), and vivacious, but I'm just so preoccupied that I'm none of those things at the moment. I can't concentrate on anything nor do I feel like doing that.
None of this is helped by the fact that, in preparation, I had to stop all medication which meant that I went slightly nuts for the first week or two until a temporary injection kicked in and restored the balance somewhat. Generally though I've not felt that good off my normal meds and while I'm sure it can be worse for others in a similar situation, I will be very glad to get back on track after my operation.
So, not a fun time, though certainly could have been worse and I'm equally definite that, if all goes well next week, this pain, and the discomfort ahead will be worth it in the end. I have to admit to some degree of excitment at getting things sorted out and the, hopefully, positive impact it will have on my life. I just have to get through the next few weeks and months and get myself back to normal, or, better than that in fact.
Oh, yes, the caterpillar thing: I spent a week or so not sleeping very well and constantly waking up feeling like I was wrapped in a pupa of bed sheet! Sadly I think there is no metaphor here; I'm not likely to emerge as a beautiful butterfly, but I'll be happy enough to be a more relaxed and together caterpillar :)
Thursday, 3 February 2011
Stop and Think
With one thing and another recently I've had quite alot going on and much to think about. While alot of the thinking has either been preoccupation with something that has been bothering me, or distraction to avoid such reality, I've also had a few moments of relative clarity.
Looking back I never could have imagined that my life would be as it is now. So much has changed in the past two and a bit years and it is hard to really see the huge changes completely objectively, for a start there are many things that I regret and that upset me; the distance from my son being the most obvious one.
I generally try to keep everything under control and avoid dwelling too much on the past, I guess the distractions, good and bad, of recent times have helped in that respect and I generally like to keep busy. Things do get past my defences though. A few weeks ago I received by decree absolute, something that I knew was on it's way and that really is only the final piece of paperwork to confirm the end of my marriage. I thought I was prepared for it, but I wasn't, it was still incredibly upsetting.
My son has a busy social life; I always joke that it is much better than mine which may actually be completely accurate (and not entirely a bad thing for him). But this means that he's often got more interesting things to do then spend time with me, or is not available to talk. This really, really is fine and perfectly normal, I so want him to be getting on with things and enjoying himself, I don't want to stand in the way of that. I still can't help being a little upset by it sometimes. I guess this is a purely selfish reaction on my part but nevertheless it's something else I try not to think about.
There are many other aspects of my life and the journey I have taken to get here that I am reflecting on at the moment. One of the reasons for thinking a little deeper than my usual superficial silliness is that I have an appointment in a few weeks for a second opinion from a specialist. I'm likely to be going over all of the same questions that I have been asked before and explaining how I feel and who I am, so naturally this has made me cover the same mental ground as well. The second opinion will hopefully be what helps me move onto the next step in this process, for example, I'll be able to apply for my GRC (Gender Recognition Certificate).
So, lots to think about, not all bad, some of it is even interesting and also surprising but there are also those bits that really will always remain as regrets, albeit, tempered with recognition of how lucky I am and a degree of pragmatism that things can get better :)
Looking back I never could have imagined that my life would be as it is now. So much has changed in the past two and a bit years and it is hard to really see the huge changes completely objectively, for a start there are many things that I regret and that upset me; the distance from my son being the most obvious one.
I generally try to keep everything under control and avoid dwelling too much on the past, I guess the distractions, good and bad, of recent times have helped in that respect and I generally like to keep busy. Things do get past my defences though. A few weeks ago I received by decree absolute, something that I knew was on it's way and that really is only the final piece of paperwork to confirm the end of my marriage. I thought I was prepared for it, but I wasn't, it was still incredibly upsetting.
My son has a busy social life; I always joke that it is much better than mine which may actually be completely accurate (and not entirely a bad thing for him). But this means that he's often got more interesting things to do then spend time with me, or is not available to talk. This really, really is fine and perfectly normal, I so want him to be getting on with things and enjoying himself, I don't want to stand in the way of that. I still can't help being a little upset by it sometimes. I guess this is a purely selfish reaction on my part but nevertheless it's something else I try not to think about.
There are many other aspects of my life and the journey I have taken to get here that I am reflecting on at the moment. One of the reasons for thinking a little deeper than my usual superficial silliness is that I have an appointment in a few weeks for a second opinion from a specialist. I'm likely to be going over all of the same questions that I have been asked before and explaining how I feel and who I am, so naturally this has made me cover the same mental ground as well. The second opinion will hopefully be what helps me move onto the next step in this process, for example, I'll be able to apply for my GRC (Gender Recognition Certificate).
So, lots to think about, not all bad, some of it is even interesting and also surprising but there are also those bits that really will always remain as regrets, albeit, tempered with recognition of how lucky I am and a degree of pragmatism that things can get better :)
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
Squeak Squeak!
First of all I should say I'm fine, all clear and nothing to worry about. Now, to explain what I have actually been worrying about over the past month: I found a lump in my breast.
I am terrible with anything medical-related, I am a total hypochondriac and am also pretty much nervous/scared of hospitals and lots of things associated with them, e.g. I *hate* needles. So when I found a lump I obviously thought the worst and got quite worried (understatement) about it, enough to get me to book an appointment with my GP.
My the GP was fab (I should say all GPs I have ever had/seen have been fab, I'm sure it's part of the job description) and after my burbled explanation had a bit of a prod around and declared that it was likely that I had a "breast mouse"! I believe that the more formal, medical description is fibroid adanoma (excuse spelling or medical inaccuracy here).
[ I would provide a link to some information about this but I'm not going to searching Google as I'll only likely find something else that might freak me out - if anyone has any good links (Jen, you had one :) ) please post them in the comments for others to find/use ]
Anyway, I was assured that this is perfectly benign and nothing to worry about but, as a precaution my GP referred me to the breast screening clinic to get it checked out. I was obviously quite pleased to know it was nothing bad and promptly forgot about it until I got the letter asking me to book an appointment - the NHS now have this choose and book service; not the worlds most swish website but it works really well and is a fantastic system (Note to NHS IT department: honestly the website is fine, please don't try and modernise it and put swishy AJAX and things in it'll just complicate matters :) )
I finally sat down to book the appointment on Sunday and got it for 10:10 this morning - and there were plenty of other alternatives as well. I guess this may not be the same for busier hospitals but it's still fantastic being able to choose days and times.
Very nervous and distracted this morning, in fact have been since I booked the appointment - obviously thinking about things too much (ignorance really is bliss sometimes, for some of us anyway). Got there in time and parked (that's a miracle for most hospitals! Wish they wouldn't charge for parking or at least make it easier to pay - "No Change Given" pay and display is a bit cumbersome).
I got seen by the consultant within, what seemed like only 10mins of getting there. Explained everything about the lump, the hormones I take, other pills (spironolactone in my case), and how far I am with transition. He then had a bit of a prod around (as did the medical student with him: really does anyone ever say "no" when asked if a student can be present, I always say yes immediately and dismiss the question) and confirmed that it felt like a "mouse" or possibly a cyst. Said I'd have to have an ultrasound to check and then they may have to stick a big needle in my breast (he phrased this alot better/kinder than I just did!).
Waited again for a very short period of time before getting the ultrasound, the doctor doing that said almost immediately that it was instead a cyst, nothing to worry about, probably didn't need the needle and was all fine. Phew!
Had to wait again for her to write a report on this and then for me to see the consultant again. Really not long waiting at all, or didn't feel it anyway :)
Consultant said that they *could* use the needle, then quickly said there was no need to, remembering my earlier comments about that procedure! He suggested that given my age (he did actually get it wrong and knocked 5yrs off me - that really cheered me up) cysts were normal and that also, because my hormones were all over the place at the end of last year (I was trying out gel then panicing and going back to patches) that this would also explain their development. Apparently menopausal women can develop cysts due to their hormones fluctuating. So, no need to go back, unless I want the cyst removed (I don't, have plenty of other lumps/bumps and blemishes and in no rush to have anything removed that isn't going to hurt me) so all clear.
Every single doctor/nurse there was fantastic; they were so lovely and reassuring and chatty and the whole visit took only an hour and a half in total, and as I said, it felt quicker and they really went through the packed waiting room very quickly (only two people there when I left).
Really, the NHS is fantastic! I know people complain about it and I'm sure there are cases where things are less than perfect but I am more than happy with the service I've got on the, thankfully, relatively rare, occasions I've needed to see anyone.
Anyway, I learnt a few things today: 1) even though you are desperate to get out of the hospital it might have been a good idea to nip into the toilets and put your bra back on (bouncy boobs not ideal on half-sprint back to car lol) 2) don't muck around with your hormones! Will be sticking to prescribed patches and regime from now on, nice and stable is best.
Me and the mouse are going to get some lunch now, "squeak" :)
I am terrible with anything medical-related, I am a total hypochondriac and am also pretty much nervous/scared of hospitals and lots of things associated with them, e.g. I *hate* needles. So when I found a lump I obviously thought the worst and got quite worried (understatement) about it, enough to get me to book an appointment with my GP.
My the GP was fab (I should say all GPs I have ever had/seen have been fab, I'm sure it's part of the job description) and after my burbled explanation had a bit of a prod around and declared that it was likely that I had a "breast mouse"! I believe that the more formal, medical description is fibroid adanoma (excuse spelling or medical inaccuracy here).
[ I would provide a link to some information about this but I'm not going to searching Google as I'll only likely find something else that might freak me out - if anyone has any good links (Jen, you had one :) ) please post them in the comments for others to find/use ]
Anyway, I was assured that this is perfectly benign and nothing to worry about but, as a precaution my GP referred me to the breast screening clinic to get it checked out. I was obviously quite pleased to know it was nothing bad and promptly forgot about it until I got the letter asking me to book an appointment - the NHS now have this choose and book service; not the worlds most swish website but it works really well and is a fantastic system (Note to NHS IT department: honestly the website is fine, please don't try and modernise it and put swishy AJAX and things in it'll just complicate matters :) )
I finally sat down to book the appointment on Sunday and got it for 10:10 this morning - and there were plenty of other alternatives as well. I guess this may not be the same for busier hospitals but it's still fantastic being able to choose days and times.
Very nervous and distracted this morning, in fact have been since I booked the appointment - obviously thinking about things too much (ignorance really is bliss sometimes, for some of us anyway). Got there in time and parked (that's a miracle for most hospitals! Wish they wouldn't charge for parking or at least make it easier to pay - "No Change Given" pay and display is a bit cumbersome).
I got seen by the consultant within, what seemed like only 10mins of getting there. Explained everything about the lump, the hormones I take, other pills (spironolactone in my case), and how far I am with transition. He then had a bit of a prod around (as did the medical student with him: really does anyone ever say "no" when asked if a student can be present, I always say yes immediately and dismiss the question) and confirmed that it felt like a "mouse" or possibly a cyst. Said I'd have to have an ultrasound to check and then they may have to stick a big needle in my breast (he phrased this alot better/kinder than I just did!).
Waited again for a very short period of time before getting the ultrasound, the doctor doing that said almost immediately that it was instead a cyst, nothing to worry about, probably didn't need the needle and was all fine. Phew!
Had to wait again for her to write a report on this and then for me to see the consultant again. Really not long waiting at all, or didn't feel it anyway :)
Consultant said that they *could* use the needle, then quickly said there was no need to, remembering my earlier comments about that procedure! He suggested that given my age (he did actually get it wrong and knocked 5yrs off me - that really cheered me up) cysts were normal and that also, because my hormones were all over the place at the end of last year (I was trying out gel then panicing and going back to patches) that this would also explain their development. Apparently menopausal women can develop cysts due to their hormones fluctuating. So, no need to go back, unless I want the cyst removed (I don't, have plenty of other lumps/bumps and blemishes and in no rush to have anything removed that isn't going to hurt me) so all clear.
Every single doctor/nurse there was fantastic; they were so lovely and reassuring and chatty and the whole visit took only an hour and a half in total, and as I said, it felt quicker and they really went through the packed waiting room very quickly (only two people there when I left).
Really, the NHS is fantastic! I know people complain about it and I'm sure there are cases where things are less than perfect but I am more than happy with the service I've got on the, thankfully, relatively rare, occasions I've needed to see anyone.
Anyway, I learnt a few things today: 1) even though you are desperate to get out of the hospital it might have been a good idea to nip into the toilets and put your bra back on (bouncy boobs not ideal on half-sprint back to car lol) 2) don't muck around with your hormones! Will be sticking to prescribed patches and regime from now on, nice and stable is best.
Me and the mouse are going to get some lunch now, "squeak" :)
Sunday, 18 July 2010
Choice
The catch-all come-back for any hardship I've had to endure as a result of transitioning is that it was my "choice". This has been thrown at me a few times, sometimes directly or maybe just implied in explanations of someone's upset, confusion, or recalcitrance at accepting my 'new' persona.
I usually give the pretty standard response about the facts of gender, sexuality, biology, chemistry, etc, the "science bit" as it where. Few people fully grasp or appreciate that approach, probably including me, as it's all very interesting, if ultimately quite complicated, but doesn't really get away from what happened in my life seeming like I took a choice. It's also very hard to convince someone that there is no aspect of free-will in it because there is nothing to compare it too; no-one has the frame of reference to deal with transition unless you go through it yourself (or are one of the few partners that stick it out when their other half flips).
So "your choice" gets applied to everything, and extended to the point of incredulity; what has followed has all been foreseeable and was part of the original "decision" that I made, every possible consequence was deemed to be included in my plan.
The reality is that I took a small degree of control in my life, I took a certain path based on what I knew, how I felt, and what seemed, to me at least to be the most sensible and practical thing to do. I put things off for a long long time and buried feelings (I'm *really* good at that now, what a wonderful skill to have) but eventually life had to change.
At no point did I have even an inkling of what really lay ahead, I just felt so strongly that I must proceed a certain way; we're talking beyond addiction or desire or something that one may be cured of or control, it's even getting past obsession and reaching the point where it's not fully understandable "why" but simply that by becoming what I was fixated on was the only way to have some peace. That seems rather dramatic and slightly exaggerated now but it's unimaginable to me to go back to how I was before; while I can't claim to be completely happy with me I certainly don't obsess in the same way with trying to achieve a result, rather about improving it instead.
I know there will be those people who will not accept the above; I will be the person who has chosen to break up families and destroy lives with my selfish choices, I deserve what I get. Dismissing the fact that I had previously been thought of as a kind, caring parent and partner makes it all the easier to condemn me; I obviously have no feelings any more so I deserve what I get. Really? Who actually made a choice about that?
I usually give the pretty standard response about the facts of gender, sexuality, biology, chemistry, etc, the "science bit" as it where. Few people fully grasp or appreciate that approach, probably including me, as it's all very interesting, if ultimately quite complicated, but doesn't really get away from what happened in my life seeming like I took a choice. It's also very hard to convince someone that there is no aspect of free-will in it because there is nothing to compare it too; no-one has the frame of reference to deal with transition unless you go through it yourself (or are one of the few partners that stick it out when their other half flips).
So "your choice" gets applied to everything, and extended to the point of incredulity; what has followed has all been foreseeable and was part of the original "decision" that I made, every possible consequence was deemed to be included in my plan.
The reality is that I took a small degree of control in my life, I took a certain path based on what I knew, how I felt, and what seemed, to me at least to be the most sensible and practical thing to do. I put things off for a long long time and buried feelings (I'm *really* good at that now, what a wonderful skill to have) but eventually life had to change.
At no point did I have even an inkling of what really lay ahead, I just felt so strongly that I must proceed a certain way; we're talking beyond addiction or desire or something that one may be cured of or control, it's even getting past obsession and reaching the point where it's not fully understandable "why" but simply that by becoming what I was fixated on was the only way to have some peace. That seems rather dramatic and slightly exaggerated now but it's unimaginable to me to go back to how I was before; while I can't claim to be completely happy with me I certainly don't obsess in the same way with trying to achieve a result, rather about improving it instead.
I know there will be those people who will not accept the above; I will be the person who has chosen to break up families and destroy lives with my selfish choices, I deserve what I get. Dismissing the fact that I had previously been thought of as a kind, caring parent and partner makes it all the easier to condemn me; I obviously have no feelings any more so I deserve what I get. Really? Who actually made a choice about that?
Tuesday, 23 March 2010
Envy and Pride
Last week I had an appointment with the GIC in Leeds. Technically most of my treatment and progress so far has been due to taking the 'private' route but I do get medication on prescription and, as my whole transition is a fairly big deal, I've always thought it's worth getting any help that is available, hence why I'm also progressing down the NHS care pathway as well.
This appointment with the specialist forms one of the six sessions I must attend before I can be referred to an endocrinologist, yes, I know it is rather late for that given I've been on hormones for over a year now but that is the process that has to be followed. In fairness the specialist did acknowledge that, while steps can't be skipped, they can be shortened. It was quite nice being told that I was somewhat ahead in terms of progress, which is one of the reasons to mention pride.
Before going into pride a little more I think I should cover envy. There was another TS woman there, in the waiting room, just before I went into see the specialist, and I also saw her when I left, she was outside smoking. We didn't talk so I've no idea what her situation was or what she thought of me but I did notice that she looked me up and down when we passed on my way out. I thought at the time that is was a rather jealous look, I was further ahead on my transition that she was, I was wandering around without any apparent problem in my 'new' gender.
I guess the problem with me assuming someone is envious of me, particularly for trans reasons is that, not only am I judging them to be, in ways in need of being jealous of me, but that I'm in some way so much better. And I think that's the scary thing, if you are too proud you're at risk of a big fall ("pride goeth before a fall") but you almost have to be to believe that you are making progress.
I think it's a fine line between confidence and self-assurance and simply being too proud and looking down on others. I can't say that I've got the balance right myself and I suspect that it down to my own lack of confidence and lingering insecurities. There is maybe less for me to be proud of, but also less for anyone else to be jealous of as well.
This appointment with the specialist forms one of the six sessions I must attend before I can be referred to an endocrinologist, yes, I know it is rather late for that given I've been on hormones for over a year now but that is the process that has to be followed. In fairness the specialist did acknowledge that, while steps can't be skipped, they can be shortened. It was quite nice being told that I was somewhat ahead in terms of progress, which is one of the reasons to mention pride.
Before going into pride a little more I think I should cover envy. There was another TS woman there, in the waiting room, just before I went into see the specialist, and I also saw her when I left, she was outside smoking. We didn't talk so I've no idea what her situation was or what she thought of me but I did notice that she looked me up and down when we passed on my way out. I thought at the time that is was a rather jealous look, I was further ahead on my transition that she was, I was wandering around without any apparent problem in my 'new' gender.
I guess the problem with me assuming someone is envious of me, particularly for trans reasons is that, not only am I judging them to be, in ways in need of being jealous of me, but that I'm in some way so much better. And I think that's the scary thing, if you are too proud you're at risk of a big fall ("pride goeth before a fall") but you almost have to be to believe that you are making progress.
I think it's a fine line between confidence and self-assurance and simply being too proud and looking down on others. I can't say that I've got the balance right myself and I suspect that it down to my own lack of confidence and lingering insecurities. There is maybe less for me to be proud of, but also less for anyone else to be jealous of as well.
Sunday, 8 November 2009
Rushing
One of the things that makes transition so much of a shock for a trans-persons friends and family is the speed at which things can happen. While the transformation is never fast, nor complete, enough for the one going through it the change can be striking and dramatic for outside observers.
There are some very obvious reasons for this. For a start there are the practical aspects; starting RLE (Real Life Experience) means that you can get the treatment you require (hormones not being allowed until you have lived full-time for 3 months in your 'new' gender). Legal requirements also go hand-in-hand with RLE, it's horrible to have to have ID and bank cards in the wrong name and to get those changed means you need a deed poll and appropriate letters from specialists.
Obviously there is also the affects of the floodgates being opened in terms of realising your true self/gender. Having spent so long in denial it is to be expected that there is a degree of catching-up-for-lost-time and moving as fast as is possible to change your image to match as closely as possible to the identity that you are beginning to realise.
All of these reasons are pretty easy to understand and appreciate, but there is something else that occurred to me yesterday as another day with my son came to an end and I had to say goodbye and watch him walk off with his mum. It's simply that you have to do things in a rush so that you don't stop and think about what you have lost or realise how much it hurts.
I think this must be how alot of parents, separated from their family, must feel and I suspect they deal with it in the same way; just try and get on with life. It may seem from the outside that it is a little uncaring to be trying to fill your life with so much else but it really is the only way to deal with things.
Friday, 9 October 2009
Get over it
A friend of mine posted on her blog about been dazed and confused following the fact that her wife of many years has moved out of the family home. This was the arrangement they agreed on because of the tension caused by my friend's trans issues and was meant to be an occasion for relief, maybe even joy, at the freedom it bestowed. Instead my friend feels sad and lonely and the impact seems to have been nothing like she expected.
There is a very valuable lesson here: while logic and pragmatism may dictate changes in your life it is impossible to use any reasoning to prevent what you may feel. You can't walk away from a long term relationship without being upset about it, nor can you just turn off caring about someone who you loved and have many happy memories with.
I guess this is something that everyone learns in life sooner or later but it is worth bearing in mind in the case of those thinking of transitioning and the people around them. Someone's need to transition is compelling and may seem to exclude all other thoughts and feelings but that is not the case. Everyone concerned will go through so many emotions and, while there is nothing you can do to prepare for that, you can't dismiss it and claim that "it won't happen to me", it will.
There is a very valuable lesson here: while logic and pragmatism may dictate changes in your life it is impossible to use any reasoning to prevent what you may feel. You can't walk away from a long term relationship without being upset about it, nor can you just turn off caring about someone who you loved and have many happy memories with.
I guess this is something that everyone learns in life sooner or later but it is worth bearing in mind in the case of those thinking of transitioning and the people around them. Someone's need to transition is compelling and may seem to exclude all other thoughts and feelings but that is not the case. Everyone concerned will go through so many emotions and, while there is nothing you can do to prepare for that, you can't dismiss it and claim that "it won't happen to me", it will.
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
The Drug Weather Report
(the title of the post is inspired by, i.e. plagarised from, a sketch of the same name by the comedy group Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie - also on Wikipedia)
I won't even attempt to be as funny as the aforementioned sketch as this is simply an update on what I'm taking at the moment.
A week or so ago I went to see my GP to update her on my latest trip to Dr Curtis (I'm essentially acting as a post-woman in delivering the letter from him to her) and also to get prescriptions for more hormones and the spironolactone as well. No problems in getting these though my GP suggested a blood test after a week rather than the month that Dr Curtis had mentioned just as a precaution since this drug can increase potassium levels quite alot and that is a risk factor (anyone considering self-medication take note!).
Anyway I've been on the spironolactone for over a week now and haven't really noticed any significant affects, good or bad, though obviously the positive changes do take some time to happen. From what I read the drug can take over two weeks to actually start to act so it's early days yet. Should get my blood results next week which should hopefully provide some reassurance that it's not having any negative affect.
Oh, I should also mention that one of the affects of this drug is to lower blood pressure, mine is actually quite low anyway (my Dad has actually suffered some problems because of this) so that obviously something to keep an eye on.
I won't even attempt to be as funny as the aforementioned sketch as this is simply an update on what I'm taking at the moment.
A week or so ago I went to see my GP to update her on my latest trip to Dr Curtis (I'm essentially acting as a post-woman in delivering the letter from him to her) and also to get prescriptions for more hormones and the spironolactone as well. No problems in getting these though my GP suggested a blood test after a week rather than the month that Dr Curtis had mentioned just as a precaution since this drug can increase potassium levels quite alot and that is a risk factor (anyone considering self-medication take note!).
Anyway I've been on the spironolactone for over a week now and haven't really noticed any significant affects, good or bad, though obviously the positive changes do take some time to happen. From what I read the drug can take over two weeks to actually start to act so it's early days yet. Should get my blood results next week which should hopefully provide some reassurance that it's not having any negative affect.
Oh, I should also mention that one of the affects of this drug is to lower blood pressure, mine is actually quite low anyway (my Dad has actually suffered some problems because of this) so that obviously something to keep an eye on.
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
Seeing my son ...
... or not at the moment.
There have been lots of ups and downs this week but mainly downs unfortunately. It started when B suggested that I bring our son back from Legoland a day earlier so that he had time to calm down before going back to school the next week. This conversation got a little nasty as I got blamed for being the reason he is so upset and not able to sleep over at friends and generally being quite and unhappy.
Things got much worse when I had another call from B saying that I couldn't see my son this weekend as planned. The reason given is that he is very upset after seeing me for a weekend and overall has been quite and withdrawn and this, according to B is because of the transition that I am going through and how I am presenting to my son, i.e. in female clothes, make-up etc.
I can't deny that how I look and act is probably quite confusing for him but I'm not trying to hide anything from him and always attempt to answer any questions he has as honestly as possible. But I've still not had the long, complicated talk about "daddy is becoming a woman" because I don't think he can understand that properly. I do play as Princess Leia in Star Wars on the Wii though!
I was going to rant on some more about all of this but I've kind of run out of things to say and have had my thoughts derailed further (if that's possible) by a conversation with B just now which was alot more amicable and understanding on both sides. Sorted out the trip to Legoland and hopefully made some progress on other issues as well.
I feel alot happier now and back to my usual naive optimism that it will all work itself out nicely in the end. This is probably just not realistic but I can't let go of the hope that it could happen.
There have been lots of ups and downs this week but mainly downs unfortunately. It started when B suggested that I bring our son back from Legoland a day earlier so that he had time to calm down before going back to school the next week. This conversation got a little nasty as I got blamed for being the reason he is so upset and not able to sleep over at friends and generally being quite and unhappy.
Things got much worse when I had another call from B saying that I couldn't see my son this weekend as planned. The reason given is that he is very upset after seeing me for a weekend and overall has been quite and withdrawn and this, according to B is because of the transition that I am going through and how I am presenting to my son, i.e. in female clothes, make-up etc.
I can't deny that how I look and act is probably quite confusing for him but I'm not trying to hide anything from him and always attempt to answer any questions he has as honestly as possible. But I've still not had the long, complicated talk about "daddy is becoming a woman" because I don't think he can understand that properly. I do play as Princess Leia in Star Wars on the Wii though!
I was going to rant on some more about all of this but I've kind of run out of things to say and have had my thoughts derailed further (if that's possible) by a conversation with B just now which was alot more amicable and understanding on both sides. Sorted out the trip to Legoland and hopefully made some progress on other issues as well.
I feel alot happier now and back to my usual naive optimism that it will all work itself out nicely in the end. This is probably just not realistic but I can't let go of the hope that it could happen.
Thursday, 5 March 2009
Bits and pieces
I've been very busy with work this week and, while I have had a myriad of ideas for blog posts I've never really got round to writing anything down so now all I have is some rather incoherent ideas and snippets to ramble on about.
One of the things that I have been thinking about recently is how much I miss the life I had before. I know I have gone on about this before and in some ways I sound like a broken record, but I don't think it's possible to appreciate the enormity of the loss.
In fact that brings me, maybe too rapidly, to something else that I've been considering. Essentially I believe I'm holding back an awful lot inside my head and really not letting any of it show. I know that sounds glib and I can't really find the words to unlock how I feel because I'm just not letting myself feel. I actually wanted to add the song "Happy Go Lucky" by Steps (stop laughing about my musical taste) to my blog because, listening to it today, it seemed to strike a chord.
Blah, blah, misery, pain, anguish ... sorry to be trite but I've had a bit to drink and only had 3hrs sleep (was working late last night) and 3 glasses of wine so not with it ... just found something way more fun to blog about!
One of the things that I have been thinking about recently is how much I miss the life I had before. I know I have gone on about this before and in some ways I sound like a broken record, but I don't think it's possible to appreciate the enormity of the loss.
In fact that brings me, maybe too rapidly, to something else that I've been considering. Essentially I believe I'm holding back an awful lot inside my head and really not letting any of it show. I know that sounds glib and I can't really find the words to unlock how I feel because I'm just not letting myself feel. I actually wanted to add the song "Happy Go Lucky" by Steps (stop laughing about my musical taste) to my blog because, listening to it today, it seemed to strike a chord.
Blah, blah, misery, pain, anguish ... sorry to be trite but I've had a bit to drink and only had 3hrs sleep (was working late last night) and 3 glasses of wine so not with it ... just found something way more fun to blog about!
Saturday, 7 February 2009
Snapped
I shouldn't have done it and I feel terribly guilty now but I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later and in particular now when I am feeling a bit (understatement) self-concious and not happy with how I look/feel/am/etc.
I may have mentioned that my usual approach for dealing with people looking at me is to just let them look. Most only glance and then don't bother to look again, others do seem to need a longer look but, on the whole, don't seem to be doing this in a malicious way so I try not to make them feel uncomfortable and I look away so they have a chance to see that I am perfectly harmless and 'normal'.
There are some people that do stare too long and sometimes I will look back to kinda make a point or I'll mumble something to myself after they have passed - usually something derogatory; I reason that anyway who has to be rude and stare that long is either not a very nice person or stupid.
Anyway, I was feeling a bit self-concious today and also was doing things which have lots of 'old' memories associated with them; going to Ikea and the Chinese super-market (yeah I know, I have a bizarre memory for things). I had a few incidences of whispering and pointing in Ikea, and I stared back quite pointedly at one young guy since he seemed to be staring way too long. He did look away and Idid think that if he looked back I was going to pout or blow him a kiss or something but thankfully the occasion never arose.
Also noticed a bit of staring in the Chinese supermarket but also there was a guy there who acted in a very polite and well-mannered way so I guess that balanced out - and I wasn't in there long so didn't really let anything bother me. Oh I should say as well that there was a girl in Ikea who I asked for help to find something and she was really nice and helpful and even told me how to go against the direction of the arrows on the floor (I think the bizarre Ikea shopping experience deserves it's own blog post, if I go again I'll come up with more words on the subject).
Anyway, got to the Trafford Centre and felt a little on edge as the place seemed to be full of kids - and not the nice cute kind, the annoying teenage variety that seem to wander around in groups and act all tough/cocky/stupid. Actually there were some groups of kids who seemed to be quite young, maybe some were not even teenagers yet. I may be an over-protective parent but I wouldn't let my son wander around the Trafford Centre on his own, unsupervised like that!
Anyway, didn't get that much attention but to spot a few people staring and did try desperately to ignore it until finally a group of girls whispered, pointed, and then doubled-back to have another look and, as I turned to walk away from the window I was looking at I ran straight into a full on stare from this young girl. And I snapped.
"You shouldn't stare, it's not nice"
Not exactly witty and not really how I wanted to handle the situation. Also I think, of the group of three, she seemed to be the youngest (maybe 12 if that) and least childish. I think I probably scared her a bit by even saying something to her.
And it was wrong to snap. I know being trans means you have to deal with an awful lot and sometimes it does get too much and there are plenty of times when you really just want to turn round and make a comment, or shout, scream, or do something! But, I still think, if at all possible, you need to just try and be a good example. Screaming, shouting, and making a fuss isn't going to make any difference or if it does then it might be negative rather than doing some good.
Trying to carry on as normal is, I believe, the only way to go. Unfortunately that is an incredibly hard thing to do, though really it's just another piece of hell to throw into the whole trans life and relatively no different to everything else.
And I guess that is the lesson from today, even someone like me who is, as my friends will atest, infruiatingly understanding and calm about everything and everyone, even I can snap because really there is so much, for want of a better word, shit that you have to deal with. It's also worth bearing in mind that there isn't an 'easy' or 'lucky' way to go through this, it's hell no matter what, the only difference is how well you can hide all that from everyone else.
I may have mentioned that my usual approach for dealing with people looking at me is to just let them look. Most only glance and then don't bother to look again, others do seem to need a longer look but, on the whole, don't seem to be doing this in a malicious way so I try not to make them feel uncomfortable and I look away so they have a chance to see that I am perfectly harmless and 'normal'.
There are some people that do stare too long and sometimes I will look back to kinda make a point or I'll mumble something to myself after they have passed - usually something derogatory; I reason that anyway who has to be rude and stare that long is either not a very nice person or stupid.
Anyway, I was feeling a bit self-concious today and also was doing things which have lots of 'old' memories associated with them; going to Ikea and the Chinese super-market (yeah I know, I have a bizarre memory for things). I had a few incidences of whispering and pointing in Ikea, and I stared back quite pointedly at one young guy since he seemed to be staring way too long. He did look away and Idid think that if he looked back I was going to pout or blow him a kiss or something but thankfully the occasion never arose.
Also noticed a bit of staring in the Chinese supermarket but also there was a guy there who acted in a very polite and well-mannered way so I guess that balanced out - and I wasn't in there long so didn't really let anything bother me. Oh I should say as well that there was a girl in Ikea who I asked for help to find something and she was really nice and helpful and even told me how to go against the direction of the arrows on the floor (I think the bizarre Ikea shopping experience deserves it's own blog post, if I go again I'll come up with more words on the subject).
Anyway, got to the Trafford Centre and felt a little on edge as the place seemed to be full of kids - and not the nice cute kind, the annoying teenage variety that seem to wander around in groups and act all tough/cocky/stupid. Actually there were some groups of kids who seemed to be quite young, maybe some were not even teenagers yet. I may be an over-protective parent but I wouldn't let my son wander around the Trafford Centre on his own, unsupervised like that!
Anyway, didn't get that much attention but to spot a few people staring and did try desperately to ignore it until finally a group of girls whispered, pointed, and then doubled-back to have another look and, as I turned to walk away from the window I was looking at I ran straight into a full on stare from this young girl. And I snapped.
"You shouldn't stare, it's not nice"
Not exactly witty and not really how I wanted to handle the situation. Also I think, of the group of three, she seemed to be the youngest (maybe 12 if that) and least childish. I think I probably scared her a bit by even saying something to her.
And it was wrong to snap. I know being trans means you have to deal with an awful lot and sometimes it does get too much and there are plenty of times when you really just want to turn round and make a comment, or shout, scream, or do something! But, I still think, if at all possible, you need to just try and be a good example. Screaming, shouting, and making a fuss isn't going to make any difference or if it does then it might be negative rather than doing some good.
Trying to carry on as normal is, I believe, the only way to go. Unfortunately that is an incredibly hard thing to do, though really it's just another piece of hell to throw into the whole trans life and relatively no different to everything else.
And I guess that is the lesson from today, even someone like me who is, as my friends will atest, infruiatingly understanding and calm about everything and everyone, even I can snap because really there is so much, for want of a better word, shit that you have to deal with. It's also worth bearing in mind that there isn't an 'easy' or 'lucky' way to go through this, it's hell no matter what, the only difference is how well you can hide all that from everyone else.
Friday, 6 February 2009
Transition tips
I was going to try and be smart and do numbered transition tips but frankly I'm not that organised (though I am much better with numbers than I am with names) and really my experiences and random useful (hopefully) information is scattered in a rather ad hoc fashion though-out this blog.
Anyway (I use that word alot), it's been a hectic week, work wise, and also from an emotional point of view as well I guess, and it's only with the clarity afforded by sitting down and relaxing with a few glasses of red wine that I can attempt to put something coherent down on, well, keyboard.
I think the lesson from this week is patience. I think I got myself feeling bad because I jumped from noticing some minor signs of development/progress to assuming that I should be completely there now and then seeing that I'm nowhere near! So that then made me feel bad and almost took me back to the beginning of how I felt.
Also at this point I started to have alot of doubts about what I am doing (I wasn't going to write about this but, red wine, feeling like writing lots to what the hell). It almost got to the point where I started considering just packing everything in. Some of these feelings are down to the fact that I am really begining to understand and feel what I have lost and am desperate to try and get it back.
I have said before that I had a home, a family, a partner, and essentially a life. I'm not sure that it is possible to convey in words how much it is possible to miss those things when they sound so simple; they are things that alot of people have. I think the only way that I deal with not having them is simply by not thinking about it. This is a bad approach. I say this from the comfort of my delusional (and wine enhanced) bubble, if I think about it just a fraction the pain is unbearable but might be something I should face rather than avoid.
I think doubts are to be expected and, as with everything I'm going through at the moment, patience and perspective are needed. I know that hormones won't make me into a woman, but I need the physical, and mental, changes to happen to help me see myself as I truly am (sorry, that sounds cliched). At the moment I'm seeing what is there at the moment and, objectively, that isn't anywhere near what I feel I should be.
The bottom line is that this is a long and diffcult process and nothing happens overnight. It's equally not as easy as it may look and there are lots of ups and downs. While everyone else may realise that sometimes it's easy to forget it yourself and end up feeling down, confused, and unsure how to go on.
Anyway (I use that word alot), it's been a hectic week, work wise, and also from an emotional point of view as well I guess, and it's only with the clarity afforded by sitting down and relaxing with a few glasses of red wine that I can attempt to put something coherent down on, well, keyboard.
I think the lesson from this week is patience. I think I got myself feeling bad because I jumped from noticing some minor signs of development/progress to assuming that I should be completely there now and then seeing that I'm nowhere near! So that then made me feel bad and almost took me back to the beginning of how I felt.
Also at this point I started to have alot of doubts about what I am doing (I wasn't going to write about this but, red wine, feeling like writing lots to what the hell). It almost got to the point where I started considering just packing everything in. Some of these feelings are down to the fact that I am really begining to understand and feel what I have lost and am desperate to try and get it back.
I have said before that I had a home, a family, a partner, and essentially a life. I'm not sure that it is possible to convey in words how much it is possible to miss those things when they sound so simple; they are things that alot of people have. I think the only way that I deal with not having them is simply by not thinking about it. This is a bad approach. I say this from the comfort of my delusional (and wine enhanced) bubble, if I think about it just a fraction the pain is unbearable but might be something I should face rather than avoid.
I think doubts are to be expected and, as with everything I'm going through at the moment, patience and perspective are needed. I know that hormones won't make me into a woman, but I need the physical, and mental, changes to happen to help me see myself as I truly am (sorry, that sounds cliched). At the moment I'm seeing what is there at the moment and, objectively, that isn't anywhere near what I feel I should be.
The bottom line is that this is a long and diffcult process and nothing happens overnight. It's equally not as easy as it may look and there are lots of ups and downs. While everyone else may realise that sometimes it's easy to forget it yourself and end up feeling down, confused, and unsure how to go on.
Sunday, 1 February 2009
Missing them terribly
Emotions seem to be sneaking up on me at the moment. It's all very well trying to put a brave face on things and carry on as normal but it still hurts.
I saw my son this weekend and he had to leave at 12 to go to a party, which was fine, not going to stand in the way of his social life. Didn't think anything of him leaving, it was just one of those things it's happened many weekends before. No real impact, just got on with things, until I opened the fridge and saw the cream cake that he was going to have but which we forgot about.
I know it sounds silly but something little and insignificant like that really did upset me and I suddenly missed him lots.
I'm missing my old life quite a bit at the moment. I miss having a home, partner, son, family and all those things that you're meant to have. I miss being there to look after B and my son. I guess the relationships between us all are getting better now but in some ways that just makes it worse as it's easier to see the good things without there being tension in the way.
I don't feel too well at the moment either, nothing serious but kind of dull headache and cold-like symptoms. I feel quite tired too - certainly this weekend I've had irregular sleep and have dozed off after reading a bedtime book with my son and then woken up about an hour later feeling quite disorientated. It's kind of a similar feeling to when I use to travel and would come back jet-lagged and fall asleep in my sons room.
The flat is cold also and that doesn't help, neither does the fact that I haven't got any proper exercise in ages. I just want some warmer weather or a warmer house (well a home is what I really want) just so I feel a bit more comfortable.
I best get to bed now, I'm up late tonight when I really just feel like falling into bed and sleeping ... but gotta get up early tomorrow.
I saw my son this weekend and he had to leave at 12 to go to a party, which was fine, not going to stand in the way of his social life. Didn't think anything of him leaving, it was just one of those things it's happened many weekends before. No real impact, just got on with things, until I opened the fridge and saw the cream cake that he was going to have but which we forgot about.
I know it sounds silly but something little and insignificant like that really did upset me and I suddenly missed him lots.
I'm missing my old life quite a bit at the moment. I miss having a home, partner, son, family and all those things that you're meant to have. I miss being there to look after B and my son. I guess the relationships between us all are getting better now but in some ways that just makes it worse as it's easier to see the good things without there being tension in the way.
I don't feel too well at the moment either, nothing serious but kind of dull headache and cold-like symptoms. I feel quite tired too - certainly this weekend I've had irregular sleep and have dozed off after reading a bedtime book with my son and then woken up about an hour later feeling quite disorientated. It's kind of a similar feeling to when I use to travel and would come back jet-lagged and fall asleep in my sons room.
The flat is cold also and that doesn't help, neither does the fact that I haven't got any proper exercise in ages. I just want some warmer weather or a warmer house (well a home is what I really want) just so I feel a bit more comfortable.
I best get to bed now, I'm up late tonight when I really just feel like falling into bed and sleeping ... but gotta get up early tomorrow.
Thursday, 29 January 2009
Good Luck Lucy!
Been so busy this week and totally absorbed in work and other stuff that I've really not had time to think about the days ticking away until Lucy flys out to Thailand, I suspect she has been counting the hours!
Anyway, it's today!
I don't think it's possible to put into words the best wishes, good luck, and other positive things that I'd like to say, so I'll just have to resort to keeping my fingers crossed and thinking as much as I can about Lucy while she is away and looking forward to when she is back :D
So in a rather understated way: Good Luck Lucy, Love ya lots and can't wait till you're back!
Oh and on a practical note, pity Lucy's friend Dell who is flying out with her, he has the inenviable task to keeping a huge list of people up to date with her progress until such time as she's well enough to get online herself (which better be quick 'cos we have a game of chess to finish!).
Anyway, it's today!
I don't think it's possible to put into words the best wishes, good luck, and other positive things that I'd like to say, so I'll just have to resort to keeping my fingers crossed and thinking as much as I can about Lucy while she is away and looking forward to when she is back :D
So in a rather understated way: Good Luck Lucy, Love ya lots and can't wait till you're back!
Oh and on a practical note, pity Lucy's friend Dell who is flying out with her, he has the inenviable task to keeping a huge list of people up to date with her progress until such time as she's well enough to get online herself (which better be quick 'cos we have a game of chess to finish!).
Tuesday, 27 January 2009
Hairy McClary ....
... from Donaldsons Dairy. I actually always thought it was "McScary" but apparently not. Anyway the book is available on Amazon.
This isn't actually about Chirldren's books but that dredded hair stuff that I seem to spend an enternity trying to remove only to see loads more of it making an appearance the following day. The problem is particularly acute for me as I am 'lucky' to still have fairly dark hair but I also have very pale skin.
Anyway, I generally attack most unwanted hair with an epilator which does the best job at removing it but it does eventually recover and grow back. I have noticed now that some of the hairs growing back are paler and finer than before, they are actually really hard to see but, for example, if I look at my arm over a black background I can see alot more hairs that if I stare at it directly (which is essentially against the white background of my skin).
I've also been using the epilator on my legs again and, so far, have suffered less from in-growing hairs than I did before. Also the skin on my legs feels a little softer.
WARNING: Work people beware, I'm going to be talking about my breasts again, you probably want to be finding something else to read at this point!
Boobs were quite uncomfortable yesterday and rather tender, not helped by wearing forms all day. Still worse discomfort on the left than on the right, but that side is slowly catching up. The areola still doesn't seem much different in size but is getting the "goose-flesh" appearance which I guess are some of the lubrication ducts (she says trying to sound authorative when having just read this on the Wikipedia article).
One thing I did notice in the mirror this morning is the area around and outside of the areola (that's quite easy to type when you get use to it you know, areola, areola, areola ... sorry, got carried away there) seems a different colour, lighter in fact, than the rest of the breast. On my left side the area is bigger than that on the right so I am assuming that this is something to do with the development of the breasts in some way.
Think I'll probably leave further discussion of this for a while now since I doubt much more interesting things are going to happen until more time has passed - though of course I'm now watching for every tiny little change which is likely to make me rather impatient!
This isn't actually about Chirldren's books but that dredded hair stuff that I seem to spend an enternity trying to remove only to see loads more of it making an appearance the following day. The problem is particularly acute for me as I am 'lucky' to still have fairly dark hair but I also have very pale skin.
Anyway, I generally attack most unwanted hair with an epilator which does the best job at removing it but it does eventually recover and grow back. I have noticed now that some of the hairs growing back are paler and finer than before, they are actually really hard to see but, for example, if I look at my arm over a black background I can see alot more hairs that if I stare at it directly (which is essentially against the white background of my skin).
I've also been using the epilator on my legs again and, so far, have suffered less from in-growing hairs than I did before. Also the skin on my legs feels a little softer.
WARNING: Work people beware, I'm going to be talking about my breasts again, you probably want to be finding something else to read at this point!
Boobs were quite uncomfortable yesterday and rather tender, not helped by wearing forms all day. Still worse discomfort on the left than on the right, but that side is slowly catching up. The areola still doesn't seem much different in size but is getting the "goose-flesh" appearance which I guess are some of the lubrication ducts (she says trying to sound authorative when having just read this on the Wikipedia article).
One thing I did notice in the mirror this morning is the area around and outside of the areola (that's quite easy to type when you get use to it you know, areola, areola, areola ... sorry, got carried away there) seems a different colour, lighter in fact, than the rest of the breast. On my left side the area is bigger than that on the right so I am assuming that this is something to do with the development of the breasts in some way.
Think I'll probably leave further discussion of this for a while now since I doubt much more interesting things are going to happen until more time has passed - though of course I'm now watching for every tiny little change which is likely to make me rather impatient!
Monday, 19 January 2009
ow! and COOL!
Just got back from the first of another round of laser hair removal treatment. Thankfully this one didn't seem to hurt anywhere near as much as the one before Christmas (hence the small "ow") and apparently the new machine they are getting soon will be "painless" - I will believe that when I see or rather, feel it.
I'm going with Transform again, I guess I should have shopped around alot more but it seemed easier to stick with a people that I know and a location that is quite convenient. Also I did have a quick look round and tried to get some information from the Harley Medical Group who kept ringing my number from the moment I hit submit on the for to request a brochure and only stopped when I answered and explained that I just wanted a rough price - they wouldn't give me one which annoyed me!
Anyway, I'm glad I stuck with Transform as they seem to be giving me the same price as last year and I get to pay this on 0% finance over the year (which is the only way I can really afford to do this).
So, next appointment in 6 weeks and I'll see how things progress. I really hope these sessions kill the hair off once and for all. Possibly the hormones may help with this I don't know and really don't care so long as I get my face (at least from a hair/skin point of view) how I want it.
Obviously I had to call into the Trafford Centre on my way past - well it would have been rude not to - as I needed some more body spray (really liked the Impulse one that I got for Christmas from Lucy) as well as some other bits and pieces. I've actually bought some emerald green eye-liner and shadow which is probably going to clash horribly with blue eye's but I just want to give it a try - following the advice of Kevyn Aucoin in his book Making Faces.
OMG - I just had a quick read of the link above and I didn't realise that Kevyn died in 2002! That really is so sad, his book is really good, the make-up he did for various people from famous to anonymous was inspirational but most importantly he seemed to have the most fabulous attitude to life.
That derailed my train of thought somewhat.
Anyway, in other news my appetite seems to have gone a bit bonkers at the moment and I keep feeling hungry and having supper! I suspect that this may be the hormones and I'm trying to stick to healthy food but it will be better when I can get back to the cycling routine. This isn't going to be happening anytime soon given that I've just been driving through the snow (that was the "COOL!" bit of today) and the whether is still a little too cold. Must make an effort though!
I'm going with Transform again, I guess I should have shopped around alot more but it seemed easier to stick with a people that I know and a location that is quite convenient. Also I did have a quick look round and tried to get some information from the Harley Medical Group who kept ringing my number from the moment I hit submit on the for to request a brochure and only stopped when I answered and explained that I just wanted a rough price - they wouldn't give me one which annoyed me!
Anyway, I'm glad I stuck with Transform as they seem to be giving me the same price as last year and I get to pay this on 0% finance over the year (which is the only way I can really afford to do this).
So, next appointment in 6 weeks and I'll see how things progress. I really hope these sessions kill the hair off once and for all. Possibly the hormones may help with this I don't know and really don't care so long as I get my face (at least from a hair/skin point of view) how I want it.
Obviously I had to call into the Trafford Centre on my way past - well it would have been rude not to - as I needed some more body spray (really liked the Impulse one that I got for Christmas from Lucy) as well as some other bits and pieces. I've actually bought some emerald green eye-liner and shadow which is probably going to clash horribly with blue eye's but I just want to give it a try - following the advice of Kevyn Aucoin in his book Making Faces.
OMG - I just had a quick read of the link above and I didn't realise that Kevyn died in 2002! That really is so sad, his book is really good, the make-up he did for various people from famous to anonymous was inspirational but most importantly he seemed to have the most fabulous attitude to life.
That derailed my train of thought somewhat.
Anyway, in other news my appetite seems to have gone a bit bonkers at the moment and I keep feeling hungry and having supper! I suspect that this may be the hormones and I'm trying to stick to healthy food but it will be better when I can get back to the cycling routine. This isn't going to be happening anytime soon given that I've just been driving through the snow (that was the "COOL!" bit of today) and the whether is still a little too cold. Must make an effort though!
Sunday, 7 December 2008
So?
Well, I've basically just typed everything I could think of from this weekend but really I've not said how I feel or what I'm thinking.
In reality, "I don't know" and "not alot" sums up the answers to those questions. I'm really quite tired from the whole weekend and just in a daze. I'm not thinking seriously about anything yet, it hasn't hit my yet.
I approached alot of this weekend in a very practical way to just get through it and that's how I'm continuing to work now - I think, after a few days I may have a better idea of how I really feel about the enormous change in my life that I have just made, even if it's not going to be really apparent what the affects are for some time.
Anyway, bedtime I think. Night x.
In reality, "I don't know" and "not alot" sums up the answers to those questions. I'm really quite tired from the whole weekend and just in a daze. I'm not thinking seriously about anything yet, it hasn't hit my yet.
I approached alot of this weekend in a very practical way to just get through it and that's how I'm continuing to work now - I think, after a few days I may have a better idea of how I really feel about the enormous change in my life that I have just made, even if it's not going to be really apparent what the affects are for some time.
Anyway, bedtime I think. Night x.
Friday
I'm going to try and blog about this long weekend in three seperate chunks to make it a bit easier to follow and for me to remember. I really should have done all this at the time but really couldn't manage to fit it into all that was going on. This might mean that I just skip stuff and shorten my rambling, probably a good thing :)
Anyway, Friday: Got up ridiculously early on Friday so that I could have my shower and then dry and straighten my hair. It felt very important to me that I look 'right' for such an important step in my life so I'd been planning the outfit and look for a few days and had to make sure I got it right. Anyway, no major stresses in getting ready and was only about 10mins behind the time I wanted to leave the house - about 7:15! (no wonder I'm tired now).
No big problems getting to Manchester in plenty of time via local bus and then little train from Chorley; got a few looks but no outright staring. Nothing really in Manchester either, everyone was friendly and helpful.
Just a point on the whole staring thing: I try and let people do it and get it over with. Sometimes it does bug me, particularly if it's totally blantant or constant, like the nosy old woman on the train to London who just kept looking. But generally if I can see someone is trying to have a surreptitious look I just turn the other way and let them not feel too awkward. I know I look 'odd' and I'd prefer people to not feel awkward so they don't associate me, or other trans people, as a threat or something difficult to deal with.
Anyway, got to London, got in a taxi, which included the mildly racist, anti-government rantings of the average cabbi (very entertaining), got to hotel, had to pay £10 to check in at 1pm because official time is 3pm (Travellodge money-making scheme), then finally wandered off to get to my appointment.
Can't remember now what I was thinking but I was pretty nervous, although I think I'd got most of it under control and had spent so much time going over everything in my head that there wasn't much else to think about!
Was early and ended up sitting waiting for my appointment and got talking to a lovely, beautiful and interesting woman whose name I've completely failed to remember. If you're reading this and you were at there around 2:30 on Friday; it was fantastic to chat to you and really helped my nerves, and get in touch :)
Dr Curtis was lovely as usual, and just asked how everything was going and how things had progressed since seeing him last. Explained everything that had been going on and how supportive everyone had been. Then came the topic of hormones and he simply asked whether I would be wanting to start treatment to which I answered: "Definitely".
Decided to go for patches instead of tablets - there is, from what I understand little difference in effectiveness but not hitting my liver as hard seemed like a good idea (particularly in light of the drinking that came in the evening - see later).
So armed with 3 months supply of patches I left feeling quite happy but with a little feeling of anti-climax. So, the plan was to go and spend silly money on a ring to mark this point in time and also to apply the first patch. Well, thought I better do that first so located toilets in Debenhams (snobbish and practical - reasoned the nicer stores would have bigger and cleaner loos) and stuck what looks like a square of sellotape onto my tummy. Hmmm, very much an anti-climax really.
Can't say I felt particularly different at all, but definitely happy, if still a little thoughtful and overwhelmed by it all. But that was it, I had started and it was all very real now.
Met up with Deborah and Sue in the evening and then with some other friends in a pub somewhere near Kings Cross (was quite lost at this point), and proceeded to try and drink WAY too much on an empty stomach. This was followed by a small amount of staggering (and things spinning a little) until with found a really nice Italian restaurant when we could drink more wine and desperately try and counteract this with food!
Can't remember what time I got to bed, think it wasn't too late but I was fairly drunk by this point and really just not thinking about much at all. Was still able to send silly txt messages to Lucy so I can't have been *that* drunk!
Anyway, Friday: Got up ridiculously early on Friday so that I could have my shower and then dry and straighten my hair. It felt very important to me that I look 'right' for such an important step in my life so I'd been planning the outfit and look for a few days and had to make sure I got it right. Anyway, no major stresses in getting ready and was only about 10mins behind the time I wanted to leave the house - about 7:15! (no wonder I'm tired now).
No big problems getting to Manchester in plenty of time via local bus and then little train from Chorley; got a few looks but no outright staring. Nothing really in Manchester either, everyone was friendly and helpful.
Just a point on the whole staring thing: I try and let people do it and get it over with. Sometimes it does bug me, particularly if it's totally blantant or constant, like the nosy old woman on the train to London who just kept looking. But generally if I can see someone is trying to have a surreptitious look I just turn the other way and let them not feel too awkward. I know I look 'odd' and I'd prefer people to not feel awkward so they don't associate me, or other trans people, as a threat or something difficult to deal with.
Anyway, got to London, got in a taxi, which included the mildly racist, anti-government rantings of the average cabbi (very entertaining), got to hotel, had to pay £10 to check in at 1pm because official time is 3pm (Travellodge money-making scheme), then finally wandered off to get to my appointment.
Can't remember now what I was thinking but I was pretty nervous, although I think I'd got most of it under control and had spent so much time going over everything in my head that there wasn't much else to think about!
Was early and ended up sitting waiting for my appointment and got talking to a lovely, beautiful and interesting woman whose name I've completely failed to remember. If you're reading this and you were at there around 2:30 on Friday; it was fantastic to chat to you and really helped my nerves, and get in touch :)
Dr Curtis was lovely as usual, and just asked how everything was going and how things had progressed since seeing him last. Explained everything that had been going on and how supportive everyone had been. Then came the topic of hormones and he simply asked whether I would be wanting to start treatment to which I answered: "Definitely".
Decided to go for patches instead of tablets - there is, from what I understand little difference in effectiveness but not hitting my liver as hard seemed like a good idea (particularly in light of the drinking that came in the evening - see later).
So armed with 3 months supply of patches I left feeling quite happy but with a little feeling of anti-climax. So, the plan was to go and spend silly money on a ring to mark this point in time and also to apply the first patch. Well, thought I better do that first so located toilets in Debenhams (snobbish and practical - reasoned the nicer stores would have bigger and cleaner loos) and stuck what looks like a square of sellotape onto my tummy. Hmmm, very much an anti-climax really.
Can't say I felt particularly different at all, but definitely happy, if still a little thoughtful and overwhelmed by it all. But that was it, I had started and it was all very real now.
Met up with Deborah and Sue in the evening and then with some other friends in a pub somewhere near Kings Cross (was quite lost at this point), and proceeded to try and drink WAY too much on an empty stomach. This was followed by a small amount of staggering (and things spinning a little) until with found a really nice Italian restaurant when we could drink more wine and desperately try and counteract this with food!
Can't remember what time I got to bed, think it wasn't too late but I was fairly drunk by this point and really just not thinking about much at all. Was still able to send silly txt messages to Lucy so I can't have been *that* drunk!
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