I Picked A Hell of a Week ...

... to change my hormones! This is paraphrasing a line from the very silly 80s movie, "Airplane!", but I felt it somewhat apt given the rather serious post of last week; changing hormones after that was maybe not the most sensible thing to do.

As it turns out I don't seem to have had any major problems so I just need to go and get my levels checked to make sure the dosage is right.

Choice

The catch-all come-back for any hardship I've had to endure as a result of transitioning is that it was my "choice". This has been thrown at me a few times, sometimes directly or maybe just implied in explanations of someone's upset, confusion, or recalcitrance at accepting my 'new' persona.

I usually give the pretty standard response about the facts of gender, sexuality, biology, chemistry, etc, the "science bit" as it where. Few people fully grasp or appreciate that approach, probably including me, as it's all very interesting, if ultimately quite complicated, but doesn't really get away from what happened in my life seeming like I took a choice. It's also very hard to convince someone that there is no aspect of free-will in it because there is nothing to compare it too; no-one has the frame of reference to deal with transition unless you go through it yourself (or are one of the few partners that stick it out when their other half flips).

So "your choice" gets applied to everything, and extended to the point of incredulity; what has followed has all been foreseeable and was part of the original "decision" that I made, every possible consequence was deemed to be included in my plan.

The reality is that I took a small degree of control in my life, I took a certain path based on what I knew, how I felt, and what seemed, to me at least to be the most sensible and practical thing to do. I put things off for a long long time and buried feelings (I'm *really* good at that now, what a wonderful skill to have) but eventually life had to change.

At no point did I have even an inkling of what really lay ahead, I just felt so strongly that I must proceed a certain way; we're talking beyond addiction or desire or something that one may be cured of or control, it's even getting past obsession and reaching the point where it's not fully understandable "why" but simply that by becoming what I was fixated on was the only way to have some peace. That seems rather dramatic and slightly exaggerated now but it's unimaginable to me to go back to how I was before; while I can't claim to be completely happy with me I certainly don't obsess in the same way with trying to achieve a result, rather about improving it instead.

I know there will be those people who will not accept the above; I will be the person who has chosen to break up families and destroy lives with my selfish choices, I deserve what I get. Dismissing the fact that I had previously been thought of as a kind, caring parent and partner makes it all the easier to condemn me; I obviously have no feelings any more so I deserve what I get. Really? Who actually made a choice about that?

Books, Swimming, Home and Photos

I was trying to come up with a kind of abstract and interesting title but I think it probably reads a bit more like a list now. The past few posts have been either geeky on food related so I thought it was time to cover some of the TS related things in my life.

I have been talking to B just recently and she has mentioned that she has got some books about "different" people that we can read to our son to prepare him for the changes to come and hopefully help with the differences he has already noticed.

I don't think I can over-state how big a step all of that is. Our son has been amazing in dealing with all of this so far and he is such a clever, thoughtful, sensitive and just amazing little boy. I hope that I haven't ruined any of that but I guess only time will tell.

This brings me onto the second thing on the list. It's difficult to actually get accurate news of what my son has been doing out of him, he's only 5 so isn't really interested in giving a concise account of his life when I see him, also he's prone to very imaginative exaggerations. For example he said he'd swum 90m without armbands!

As it turns out he did manage to swim 15m without his arm bands and he did that after the swimming instructor asked for volunteers to try! I was so proud when I heard that! He is amazing, he really is :D

I guess the last two things go together; I'm missing having a home in both the physical and emotional sense and I've been looking at pictures of us before all of this mess which just makes it worse.

Looking at pictures of me does make me cringe, and I think that is part of the whole GID problem; you really don't like how you look, it's just wrong and that only really becomes apparent when you get a chance to look and be who and what makes you feel right. That probably sounds trite, but it's the only way I can explain it; I really didn't like what I saw of me in anyway at all.

And I guess that is the really sad bit because, for whatever bizarre reason B did like that - and really having seen the pictures of me I have to wonder why she ever like me, I looked horrible.

Anyway, I'm getting tired, best get to bed.

Accepting the new me and killing the old

I'm pretty sure I look quite 'odd' to most people and I'm also totally convinced that I don't totally pass and probably never will. I could go on listing my faults and problems, though I just got a strange feeling of deja vu so I suspect this would just be a rehash of things I've already said.

What has just occurred to me is that my biggest problem is that it's hard for me to accept the new me and that is the thing that hold me back the most. It's also become apparent that, despite what I thought, and probably even said, some months ago, it's not going to be a case of just 'me' in a different package, the old personality will have to die.

I spent alot of my formative years building up mental defences to stop me changing who and what I am, I can even recall conciously being worried about being different to how I felt I was. This isn't strictly a trans thing, just how I am. I've always tried to keep a tight control on everything about how I think and feel. It's very easy to slip back behind the barriers in my head when I don't know how to deal with things and essentially my old personality goes into autopilot bringing back my old voice, mannerisms, and a flood of confusion with it.

I am happiest when I feel that I am fulfilling my female role and behaving, sounding, and acting that way. It only takes little things to make me feel good but equally the smallest amount of wrongness can tip me the other way.

In order to complete my transition I think I do need to dismantle all the mental defences so that I can feel and think freely without being restricted by how I was before. I think it is also very important that I let people in - I think a big part of my old personality was a big mask to hide behind and I can't carry on being like that, I need to be be more open and, if you'll excuse the cliché, in touch with my feelings.

It really will be a different me that comes out of this journey. I have already changed, but the psychological impact and also the pysiological affects of the estrogen, and other medicine that I will take, will mean that I will feel and act much differently to now.

It's going to take a while to accept all of this and I might not even notice when I have, but it is both sad to think that I really will be killing off the old me, but comforting to know that it was that person that got me here and will still be helping me along the way.

[ And I can't believe how incredibly moving it was to type that - I have tears welling up in my eyes ... not ideal in the middle of the office! ]

'Get out of jail free' letter

I'm not entirely sure why this particular letter was referred to in this way but it is nevertheless an important document and another small (well actually big) step along the way.

It arrived yesterday and while I knew who it was from (I've only written to my specialist so far) but I didn't know if it would be a "sorry, not yet" reply or something better. It was something better: the letter(s) I have allow me to apply for my passport and other legal documents using my correct gender!

I was VERY happy to get these letters.

Of course now that has worn off I'm totally paranoid that I can't live up to what they state and am having a nasty attack of reality and lack of femme feeling - hopefully that will all pass without me spending too much money on retail therapy!

In related news I have my new work e-mail and account all setup and working which is pretty impressive going for a very busy and possibly over-worked IT department! Even noticed that the phone display has changed to reflect my name (VOIP phones).

NAME CHANGE!

Well, it's done.

The e-mail from HR at work has been sent round the entire UK office informing everyone of my name change.

Kinda scary really and just a little bit weird - even I'm not use to my new name as it's not something that ever really got used much before nor do I think of myself in terms of what I'm called, it's just "me" in here.

I know people at work read this so I'd just like to say: getting the name, pronouns, or anything else like that wrong is fine, even I do it sometimes still and I'm not going to get upset with anyone for making mistakes, I'm just so thrilled to be making another step and that everyone is so supportive.

Now I really, really, must get something sorted out with my voice because I sadly don't sound like a "Fiona" much at the moment and I'm sure that is going to make things so much harder for everyone else as well as me.

Final word to everyone at work: Thanks :D