Hurt, Acceptance and Hurt

I've said this before but it is worth repeating: being transsexual really messes up your life. It hurts those around you, your family, friends and ultimately you. Really and seriously, this is not something to do unless you are really, really, really sure it is the only way. One of the things that causes hurt all round is lack of acceptance.

In some ways the word "acceptance" in the context of transsexuality seems to imply quite alot, usually everything to one person and too much to everyone else. What a trans person ultimately wants is to be accepted totally and completely for who, and what, they are. But there is a more subtle and possibly more important part of acceptance and that is simply about dealing with reality. And maybe, to go one step further, to be objective about this rather than being swayed by prejudice, rumour, hearsay and downright myth.

I can't imagine what it is like for those close to me to have seen how I have changed from what they were use to into what appears to be a different person. I obviously feel I desperately need and want this transformation but they must feel equally strongly that they want me to be as I was. Not being able to at least acknowledge that this is what has and is happening just leads to hurt for everyone; for them because they will always be feeling the sense of loss and frustration and never moving on, and for me I just get treated like an outcast, and blamed for everything no matter what.

Being treated as if you are evil, wrong, purely selfish, inconsiderate, thoughtless, uncaring and unfeeling is horrible. Being ignored and your transition/gender disregarded with no hint that the issues you have are real is equally frustrating and upsetting. Being treated as if you are not a responsible, caring, and loving parent is also cruel and unwarranted.

All of the above sounds extreme and almost like life is a constant battle ground and that these issues are constantly apparent but that isn't the case, the problems are more subtle and insidious. All sorts of justifications can be used by those who don't accept what is happening and this can spiral out of control to the point that everyone involved is hurt, worst of all those who are vulnerable and ultimately will be upset and scarred the most.

I don't know how else to explain any of this without just ranting and getting more upset and frustrated. I know my transition has not been a pleasant thing for some but I never, ever, ever meant any of this to hurt anyone nor have I done this out of malice or even from some secret and devious plan. It has just happened, it's just how I am, it really and truly can't be helped and I am utterly sorry that people have been hurt because of it.

Acceptance, just a small amount of acceptance of what this is and what I am going through. Please.

Rushing

One of the things that makes transition so much of a shock for a trans-persons friends and family is the speed at which things can happen. While the transformation is never fast, nor complete, enough for the one going through it the change can be striking and dramatic for outside observers.

There are some very obvious reasons for this. For a start there are the practical aspects; starting RLE (Real Life Experience) means that you can get the treatment you require (hormones not being allowed until you have lived full-time for 3 months in your 'new' gender). Legal requirements also go hand-in-hand with RLE, it's horrible to have to have ID and bank cards in the wrong name and to get those changed means you need a deed poll and appropriate letters from specialists.

Obviously there is also the affects of the floodgates being opened in terms of realising your true self/gender. Having spent so long in denial it is to be expected that there is a degree of catching-up-for-lost-time and moving as fast as is possible to change your image to match as closely as possible to the identity that you are beginning to realise.

All of these reasons are pretty easy to understand and appreciate, but there is something else that occurred to me yesterday as another day with my son came to an end and I had to say goodbye and watch him walk off with his mum. It's simply that you have to do things in a rush so that you don't stop and think about what you have lost or realise how much it hurts.

I think this must be how alot of parents, separated from their family, must feel and I suspect they deal with it in the same way; just try and get on with life. It may seem from the outside that it is a little uncaring to be trying to fill your life with so much else but it really is the only way to deal with things.

Hurting People

I've always wanted to talk about, well, everything really. I like talking about things and I like telling family and friends about anything and everything and generally have always been willing to be open and honest. In particular I have always been close to my Mum and told her about most things that have happened in my life.

The problem is now, that alot of the things I'm saying probably hurt.

I guess this started when I first came out to B about my transness (it's like Loch Ness but better dressed - oh, I'm sooo sorry, I just couldn't resist that, another failing there, making a joke about serious things) and I did want to be open and share everything that was happening.

I'm not trying to claim that I was being particularly noble in wanting to be honest and open, like I say, I just like talking about things and like to kind of do a brain dump of everything to those that I am close to that are willing to listen.

Obviously achievements and humourous anecdotes about my trans life were not something that B wanted to hear (though in fairness she did tolerate and even joke about an awful lot). At the time I think I was a little naive and insensitive so I maybe didn't realise how much these topics upset her.

Now I essentially have the same problem with my Mum but it's much worse; I'm telling her things about how I am transitioning, my name change, my treatment, and my new friends. I want to be able to tell her everything.

I was just talking to her on the phone and just knew that talking about the estrogen patches and mentioning that what name to put in Christmas cards being problematic were topics that must have been making her cry inside even if she seemed to sound okay.

It's also been confirmed that, while my Mum has told most of the family about the separation, she has not said anything about the exact reasons nor my transition- which I knew would be the case and completely understand. But it's just the thought that I have already or will eventually upset alot of people and cause them a great deal of hurt.

It wasn't mentioned (though it might have been before in discussions with my sister) but it's quite possible that I will not be able to see my grandmother again. Too be honest I was never really a frequent visitor but did drop in at least around Christmas. It's probably not a good idea for me to go near my home town at the moment because it's a small place and people talk and I still could be recognised.

So on the one hand I'm trying to build a new identity for myself and at the same time I'm building a wall between myself and my relations. I should say that, in fairness, I'm not making the effort to communicate with them so I'm not trying to blame anyone here, just state how things are and how they feel from my point of view.

I guess this is really just part of what can happen, there's really no right or wrong it just is a little sad that's all.