Post-op/Pre-op

There is alot made of these terms and they carry an awful lot of emotional and psychological baggage which is likely not entirely evident to someone who isn't going through this process. Thankfully I am now in the "post-op" camp and feel slightly more able to discuss, at least some, details at a highish level which is a great improvement over the time immediately before where the very idea of discussing things with all but my closest friends was abhorent.

I think I'd like to go through a list of "things that scared me" and hopefully this might give an idea of how someone approaching the same surgery might feel:

Stopping Hormones

All hormone treatment has top be stopped 6 weeks before surgery. As I understand it this is mainly for safetys sake as estrogen increases the risk of blood clots and I guess any medication in your system can potentially interfere with anesthetic or other drugs you may be given during or immediately after surgery.

You'd think that stopping taking pills or sticking patches on your body would in some way be a relief (I can't say I miss Spiro pills - they are huge) but the implication is that your hormone levels return to a point they were at before. This was a horrifying prospect for me as I it was so important to me to have the 'right' hormones in my system, it made me feel like "me" and I hated the thought of giving them up.

I'm not sure of the chemistry/biology involved but just stopping medication didn't actually have an immediate affect (apart from me not liking the thought of it), it did take a few days, possibly a week for me to start to feel any different. I know some people have said the increase in testosterone makes them feel irritable or angry, given my pre-HRT level was barely into the normal range I wasn't too worried about that and certainly it didn't seem to happen. I did feel quite frantic, and kind of paranoid. Also I really withdrew alot and found it harder to talk to people, kind of like a loss in confidence.

Also my sleeping pattern got completely wrecked; normally I'm fairly consistent with sleep and can easily feel when I'm too tired and go to bed early and get up early for work. I kept waking up and not being able to settle again, or if I slept through I didn't feel rested and was way more tired then I've ever felt. That and possibly other things really affected my concentration and my attention span. I remember one odd implication of that when I was trying to pick a film to watch and couldn't decide on anything, just nothing felt right and when I finally picked something I stopped watching it after a few mins and just couldn't settle on doing anything. All very weird and disconcerting.

Sexuality

I'm not sure how true this is but I read/was told that testosterone affects libido in both men and women so one of the things that actually did scare me is that suddenly I'd have an uncontrollable sex drive which I would find extremely distressing. I'm sure many people won't understand this or even find it quite funny, but it's not, it's something that makes you question who you are and made me feel very uncomfortable and upset.

Control

I've never had an operation with general anesthetic before, and the thought of being forced asleep did really upset me for quite a while. When attending the GIC and talking to my the specialist there he commented that I was a bit of a control freak (he is right) and I definitely saw being anesthetised as a huge lack of control. I was really worried about being allergic to the anesthetic to or having a reaction or not waking up, etc, etc.

As it turned out it didn't even hurt when they put the needle in and I just drifted off quite quickly and came round afterwards reasonably fast too. Several people, my Mum in particular, commented that they work out the amount of anesthesia so accurately these days and the whole process is so precise that there isn't much in the way of feeling groggy or half-asleep anymore.

Death

I've never had major surgery before so have no idea what to expect; so I started imagining the worst possible scenarios! I definitely worried that I wouldn't wake up afterwards or have something serious happen like a blood clot that affected my brain! My imagination did run riot for a while and there were times that I was very scared but strangely I didn't worry about this worst case as much as I thought I would. I think I was more concerned about surviving but having complications.

Complications

Knowing about certain potential complications just made me worry about them. Some aren't particularly serious in the grand scheme of things but they are things I just didn't want to go through. I had a few nightmare scenarios in my head and it's always easier to worry these will happen rather think about it rationally.

It's very easy from this side of the surgery to see that I was worrying about nothing and that's maybe how other people see it. But I really was very scared, worried, pre-occupied and apprehensive about the whole thing. The affect of stopping hormones was very definitely real and not pleasant at all (and my ability to write about all of this in a quite open and honest way is testament to the fact I'm back on hormones and this has started to level my thinking out, even if it's just psychological rather that phisiological at the moment).

As I was told before I left hospital, this is major surgery, it does take time to heal and recover and it is a big deal for many reasons. Anyone going through this is going through a major change in their life (for the better) and it isn't easy at all. And all of this is something very hard to explain to anyone else who isn't close to you, very few people have a frame of reference in which they can understand what you are going through.

The problem that I found was that the last thing I wanted to do was explain any of this to anyone. Talking about it before surgery meant to me that I would be labelled as "pre-op" and I absolutely hated the idea of anyone knowing that. This is again maybe something hard to understand if you've not gone through it but it just became a real concern of mine that my surgical status be kept absolutely private.

Now, I am much more relaxed about so many things, I commented to my partner just today that a whole load of my inhibitions have just disappear and, aside from the fact that I really need to get a load of exercise and tone up, I don't have any hang-ups about my body anymore. I might not be the most attractive person in the world, but I'm really me now and that is all that matters.

On the Up

Well, the recent weeks have been full of downs and some ups, now thankfully the latter seems to have caught up and I'm getting back on track.

Again, I won't go into a large amount of detail about all the relationship stuff but, suffice to say, that it was, at least in part actually my fault. I should have explained my feelings a bit more clearly and honestly to those concerned and that would have avoided alot of upset. In my defence I didn't fully know what I felt, but that's still not much of an excuse.

In other news I have had a rather more open conversation with my Dad and it seems like there is a chance for us to meet in the coming months! I'm really not sure this has fully hit me yet, I was over-joyed to even be talking about 'me' and to know that I could soon be seeing my parents is just overwhelming.

I want to write more about all of this but, after a busy weekend, I'm rather tired so will have to leave that to another day when I feel more coherent and awake than I do now.

[ P.S. There was a TV show in the early 90s called On The Up, I use to love that, must see if I can get the DVDs ]

In Two Minds

The past few weeks have been incredibly busy and have had lots of ups and downs. I've had so much to deal with and, at times have felt completely overwhelmed by what has been happening. I've been practical and sometimes not when dealing with everything that has been thrown at me. Some of it has been a huge disappointment and some just seems so unfair and cruel. There have been several occasions when I have simply broken down in tears and not felt I could cope.

But

On the other hand, I'm still here, I'm relatively fit and health, have a job I love, fantastic friends, and am, in the grand scheme of things, very, very, very lucky in my life. There is so much that I can be thankful for that others may not have. What right have I to get upset, to complain, to bitch and moan?

And that's normally how I think: I don't have a right to get upset, even with the things I have to deal with, they are nothing compared to what others go through, I really am thankful for what I have and I recognise that. I use to be able to hold this idea as a rock-hard certainly and didn't become emotional and confused and let go of that anchor, but recently it has slipped a little.

It really has been like being in two minds about everything: logical on one hand, completely emotional and distraught on the other; I've been pushed so much I couldn't control the second of these at times. I know this all sounds very vague but, rather unusually, what has been getting me down is not something I really want to share publicly unfortunately, I'll get back to my usual, open and honest style shortly on other topics.

Looking at things more philosophically, being pushed this hard has meant that I've really thought about alot of things and I've really found who is there to support me and who hasn't been willing to put up with me being an emotional wreck/powder-keg.

I'll end the rambling now and get on with more useful, and less emotive things; like the washing, ironing and tidying up which are amazingly comforting and therapeutic I've found!

Back and still standing!

I did 50km in just over 2hours! Bum is slightly sore and I'm a little tired but, I DID IT! Selby and back, which was one of the trips I wanted to make during my hols, just to prove I could still manage such a distance and that there is some life left in the old bird!

Now, time to make some pasta to recharge my energy levels! I need to go out tomorrow on my bike to make sure I don't seize up!

Not Funny Anymore

I was going to write about the joys of hayfever and how it seems to be, so far at least, quite bad for me this year and that it's rather inconvenient when a) cycling, b) wearing make-up and c) attempting not to have ugly blood-shot eyes with dark bags under them. That would certainly count as "Not Funny".

But what just struck me was making (or trying to make) a witty reply to something a friend posted on FaceBook. I use to be full of one-liners and smart comments. In reality they probably weren't that funny, smart, or welcome, but at least it meant that I felt I was with it in some way and at least came across as bright and chirpy (probably also not entirely welcome in alot of cases).

So it occurred to me that I just don't have that anymore. I think part of it is me growing up somewhat; I was always pretty immature and, while I'm not claiming to be completely cured in this respect, I feel that I now have a fair amount of 'serious' experience which has an affect on who I am and how I behave. I use to write about the trials and tribulations of my life but, looking back, I think I did that in a fairly detached way. Now I feel and experience the reality of my situation and life almost constantly.

I'm not depressed or anything, and I certainly have lots of things to be happy about (for example seeing my son at the weekend, and meeting up with friends, and photography ... the list goes on), but I'm just a tad more serious, cynical, and real about life than I was before. Less naive maybe. But still hopeful I think.

Don't know where to start

I've really got behind with blogs and uploading of pictures. Everything seems to have been so busy lately and I just haven't had time to sit down and write anything. There is quite alot I need to write though. The divorce is reaching it's conclusion, I'm also getting to the point where transition gets a little more difficult that just taking pills, my relationship with my parents continues to be 'interesting', and there is so much more to consider seriously now when almost everything seems to have been dealt with. I maybe have the space to consider reality, even if I don't seem to have the spare time to do that.

From a practical point of view, I'm going to start putting all my pictures in galleries on my website, currently the 'beta' version of this is here but it'll eventually move to the main site itself. Full-sized images will still be available on my deviantART page and I'm now generating prints on there which you can buy (the site handles all the purchasing/printing and I get a small royalty - am going to try buying my own prints to see how it works later).

I really do need to get more organised at this as the photography continues at a rapid pace. I've now spent a significant amount on kit and really should be able to produce some impressive photographs and actually start to do something serious about this rather than just mucking around aimlessly. More importantly I've got ALOT to learn and I need/want to do that quickly.

I'm beginning to realise that my seemingly endless spending and obsession with things like photography and otehr gadgetry really is linked to my state of mind and other issues. It's becoming apparent that I really do shop because I'm unhappy and that I've got lots of things to resolve and deal with (including reining back the spending obviously).

There's lots I need to write about the relationship with my son aswell. The other day I stated, quite categorically that I didn't have much of a plan in life, I then found myself thinking, some time later, that I really need to fix that. I need a goal of, for example, seeing my son more and living closer too him, or even just putting even more effort into making sure that we have a strong relationship; as it is I always get the feeling that I'm missing out on so much and becoming less relevant to his life. Not nice.

Decree Nisi

I just received this in the post today. It makes fairly stark reading:

"On 19th April 2010

The Judge help that

the respondent behaved in such a way that the petitioner cannot reasonably be expected to live with the respondent,

that the marriage solemnised on 21st July 2001

at <...>

between <...> the petitioner

and Fiona Andrea (f.k.a <...>) Bianchi the respondent

has broken down irretrievably and decreed that the said marriage be dissolved unless sufficient cause be shown to the court within six weeks from the making of this decree why such decree should not be made absolute"

It's boiler-plate text, impersonal, functional and without emotion, yet it's talking about something that is so different from those adjectives and which, in 6 weeks time will be decreed to be at an end. I think it's only now that I see it in black and white that I can begin to fully realise what a horrible shame it all is.

Did I really want this to happen? No. Did I really think that there would be such finality to a relationship, no, I didn't expect that at all. I guess I just never thought it would come to this. I don't think I expected some miraculous change where everything went back to "happy families" but I probably still had that hope in the back of my mind.

I feel oddly calm at the moment, I can actually feel myself just thinking about other things, trying to fill my head with something else to concentrate on to suppress what I really feel and just not think about it. When I consider everything we had and all the memories from my past it really does just hurt so much.

So, do I regret the path I've taken? At the moment it seems really odd to try and think about that question, I'm not really thinking about who I am, I'm just getting on with things; upgrading to the next Ubuntu version for example, thinking about plans, what to do at the weekend, etc. I would say that I don't regret my transition, but I can't really grasp that idea and explain how I feel about it.

As for the loss of a marriage that lasted 6 years and 8months and included, among the usual ups and downs so many good times and happy memories, not to mention a son who is the most fabulous little boy in the world ... yes, I regret the loss of that more than I think I will ever regret anything in my life.

I can't write any more.

Missing Being Interrupted

The mountain bikes got a much needed clean today; I don't think I've done that since I bought them about three years ago so it was a rather time-consuming, and messy process. I stayed outside for a good 2hrs while I cleaned and checked the bikes and, when it finally started to get dark I'd managed to get the moving parts free of accumulated dirt and oil and had everything working well.

And that was it. I just did that job, put the bikes away again and then went in. No-one came to ask me how I was doing or when I'd be finished or if they could help*, I had no interruptions at all.

That's when it hit me that doing these kind of jobs is something I use to do quite alot of in my former life and, in fact those interruptions were actually something precious. I really felt quite alone once I realised I much I miss that and much about things before.

I thought about this more when I came in and came to the conclusion that I feel happier as the 'new' me, I'm more comfortable and at ease with myself. But I'm really beginning to miss lots of the little things that I now realise meant something quite big. I guess again that this is one of those lessons about life; you really need to appreciate even the littlest things, even the interruptions, they might be the things you miss the most.

[ * - I should say that I'm not having a go at Rachel here, she was very busy doing image processing and many other jobs. ]

Relationships

Are complicated.

That isn't obviously earth shattering news and I guess most people go through a fair few in their lives. Personally I don't think I have had that many and, so far there has only been one long-term relationship that I have been involved in so I'm not the worlds expert in this area and the pithy conclusion above is actually quite a step for me.

As it might have been apparent from Twitter and the recent blog posts, Rachel and I are back together. I'm not going to go into the full reasons why, suffice to say that, well, it's complicated! That does sound somewhat negative but again, to me, anything beyond the most simple union is a new thing for me.

From my own personal perspective the last month has involved a lot of learning on my part, I really haven't been able to just rely on my rather simplistic model of life to get me through. I'm not always right for example, and sometimes things are more involved than you expect.

I admit that this is all a big vague and cryptic but I think that the best thing I can learn from all of this is to just try and enjoy every moment you can, not stress out too much about myself or the other person I'm involved with and, most importantly, to TALK. I know this shouldn't be a problem for me but I guess it is. You live and learn :)

A Place In My Heart

The title refers to a song by T'Pau which is pertinent to how I've been feeling recently given the move so far away from the place and people that I called home.

I heard something on Radio 4, can't remember the programme, but they were discussing break-ups and in particular adultery I think. They read out a letter from a man who had had an affair with his wife's friend with whom he is still in a relationship with. Obviously this resulted in his wife divorcing him and, I suspect, a rather hellish time for all concerned.

One thing this person wanted to point out though was that, while he is happy with his new partner, he still does feel the loss of his wife, home, family, and life. It's obviously very easy to see any situation as black and white, good and bad, but the reality is that things are rarely that clear-cut. You can't help feeling some emotion over any split and I don't think it really is just a simple matter of stopping caring about an ex-partner.

In some ways I do think that how things seem to have to be is not how anyone would really want them. I don't think losing someone from your life almost completely is what they would choose even if it is the only way to avoid being hurt. In the long-run I'm not sure that the practical option really feels like the right choice in the end. It is frankly horrible to have to lose a relationship and friendship so utterly, I wish things didn't have to be this way.

"I wish you all you could want for yourself,

May the road rise up to meet you as you go your way,

If you ever need a friend,

You just call me up and then, I will run to help you, come what may"

"... You see the love I had, it never went away.

It's such a shame when people change,

Someone has to pay"

Moving on up ...

Well, it's been a very hectic time recently, hence the lack of posts, and this weekend in particular has been so busy and frenetic that, while it would have been good to get my thoughts down, I simply haven't had a spare second.

It's meant to be a commonly accepted fact that moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do but I think I have either been lucky or oblivious with the previous experiences so I suspect things caught up with me this time.

There was so much stuff to move and I think the trip I did this weekend was really just the bits and pieces that are possibly only a few steps away from junk. I don't know what it is, but I'm feeling the need to rid myself of all but things I consider essential. I got rid of a whole load of old computers and parts that I was simply never going to use. I'm seriously considering dumping all of my old university notes as well; yes there is some nostalgia there but I'm never going to refer to them every again so why keep them.

In fact keeping all this junk and having to move it was really getting to me. I think there are a few reasons for this, like the one above, but also I suspect that it reminds me too much of how I was; I use to hide behind all the gadgetry and fake nostalgia and geekiness and I don't want to be like that anymore. Yes, I am a geek/nerd, but I'm not that sad that I need to horde junk.

I also think the whole moving away and lack of familiar surroundings, proximity to family, and just general huge change in my life was also building up inside me. It really has been a massive impact and the emotion and confusion was totally unexpected. I was in tears twice over the weekend, snapped at Rachel, and was generally unhappy, unstable, and not myself at all. It was horrible really.

Having a house that is still full of unpacked boxes piled in the sitting room hasn't helped but this morning I've started to see some light at the end of the tunnel and I think we're both less stressed and feeling happier.

I guess this is a very rambling post but what I'm trying to convey is the fact that such a large upheaval in my life is something that, given who and what I am now, is something that was hard to cope with and it will take me a while to get back to feeling 'normal' and 100% happy.

Get over it

A friend of mine posted on her blog about been dazed and confused following the fact that her wife of many years has moved out of the family home. This was the arrangement they agreed on because of the tension caused by my friend's trans issues and was meant to be an occasion for relief, maybe even joy, at the freedom it bestowed. Instead my friend feels sad and lonely and the impact seems to have been nothing like she expected.

There is a very valuable lesson here: while logic and pragmatism may dictate changes in your life it is impossible to use any reasoning to prevent what you may feel. You can't walk away from a long term relationship without being upset about it, nor can you just turn off caring about someone who you loved and have many happy memories with.

I guess this is something that everyone learns in life sooner or later but it is worth bearing in mind in the case of those thinking of transitioning and the people around them. Someone's need to transition is compelling and may seem to exclude all other thoughts and feelings but that is not the case. Everyone concerned will go through so many emotions and, while there is nothing you can do to prepare for that, you can't dismiss it and claim that "it won't happen to me", it will.

Happy Girl

While I was driving back from York yesterday I was listening to one of the three 'happy songs' CDs that I have in the car - these are mixes of cheerful music that I made to keep me up-beat while on journeys that are long because of distance or delay (I have an equivalent play-list I use on my phone's mp3 player for cycling up big hills).

One of the tracks is Happy Girl by Martina McBride which is fantastic to sing along to and just make yourself feel happier and cheerier. The lyrics do actually apply well to me and it got me thinking that, with everything I have been through over the past few years, I am still very much a happy girl and in fact always have been. I think I've mentioned this on the blog before but it's worth pointing out again.

There are times when I do feel low and there are certainly posts on the blog which sound like I may be upset, angry, bitter, and depressed. My inarticulate writings may not be able to convey my feelings properly and it's quite possible that I come across as more negative, insecure or down-right insane than I actually am. The reality is that I am a positive person. I'm also approachable, open, friendly, and not in the least bit scary or indimidating. In short, I'm just a nice, happy, normal person.

This line of thinking brought me to the idea of stereotypes: I'm constantly surprised and intrigued recently by people who don't conform to my built-in set of expected behaviours from certain groups. I started to come to the conclusion that I shouldn't be basing my amazement at contradications to stereotypes but instead should approach everyone who is interesting from an individual perspective. This seemed akin to the view of "Wen the Eternally Surprised" who is a character in the Terry Pratchett book Thief of Time.

For example, I passed a large, elegant car (something from maybe the 70s that gently suggested 'classic automobile' and hinted that the owner had this from new and had looked after it well) on the motorway driven by an aged, white-haired Indian gentleman, wearing I suit or similar smart attire, and also occupied by several elderly ladies who appeared to be knitting and gossiping. Obviously the contrasts in terms of culture and skin colour, all based on stereotypes, were striking but I think just as individuals all the occupants of that car, and the vehicle itself would be amazingly interesting in their own right.

It also made me consider that the stereotypes concerning transgendered people may also be the background against which those who have not personally encountered anyone of this nature before view my comments. I'm not sure what the general view may be, I'm obviously biased, but certainly for the available documentaries and news stories of 'ordinary' transexuals we could certainly be perceived as complex, pushy, emotional, sensitive, obsessive, glamourous (I wish!), unstable even. I think almost any group portrayed on TV actually comes across like this, which says more about that medium than about the people being viewed through it!

Being trans myself I take a different perspective which I think is the one that, after the initial coverage of the gender stuff, is more amazing: it's everything else about someone that makes them truly interesting. I certainly use to enjoy the friendly curiosity of others concerning my trans nature, it made me feel special in some way, but now I realise that that attention is fleeting and also there are things about me just as there are about others that are much more worthy of discussion.

There are many examples of the other interesting aspects in peoples lives I have friends who, as well as being trans also; have a model railway shop, can sing and play guitar (and publish videos of themselves doing this - they would say they aren't that good, I just think they are brave and that alone is amazing), work as escorts (this may tend to a bad stereotype of trans people but it's nevertheless interesting), have a job as a welder, are financial experts, run restaurants, work in IT ... actually that last one is generally accepted as quite common lol!

The point is, we are all normal human beings, not extreme in any real sense, friendly, approachable, and fascinating ... just like almost everyone else you are likely to meet in the world. So, lets all try and throw away our stereotypes and see that we are all individuals ("Yes, we are all individuals!" ... "I'm not"), and all amazing, intriguing, and fascinating in our own right. There is so much to learn and experience out there, lets concentrate on that.

Beginning to wonder ...

... whether my naive view that people would consider me on my skills and experience rather than the fact that I'm transgendered and look like some weird, ugly, freak, was just too optimistic.

I've had several rejections after face-to-face interviews now and, while there was only one incident where someone clearly could not hide their shock at seeing me, the lack of any feedback at all, or fairly lack-lustre reasoning, is making me think that I'm at a disadvantage because of my appearance and gender (well the trans nature of it).

While I can understand that companies are sifting through lots of CVs and conducting many interviews, I do think it is extremely rude and unhelpful to not provide any feedback at all, particularly as, in my case, I have travelled a great distance to get to some of the locations (and done it several times). I personally would obviously benefit a great deal from feedback as it has been a long time since I interviewed and my situation then was alot different.

As I said, I do recognise that the bad manners approach of not providing feedback, or even giving someone a definitive "no" and simple reason why they haven't been successful, is something that seems to apply in alot of cases, but I really can't help thinking that there may be that extra reason for me; "Frankly we think you're a weirdo and you'd upset/confuse/frighten too many people here so we don't want to hire you". Sounds extreme but given the number of looks I get from the general populace it's hardly an unsurprising view to suspect.

I'm not asking for special treatment or any amount of positive discrimination here, I'm very much against that as it's simply patronising and self-defeating. But some consideration for what I've gone through over the past few years would be appreciated, as well as allowances made for that fact that my self-confidence has taken a hammering would also be most helpful.

Being trans does not affect my ability to do my job, in some ways quite the contrary. However, I'm beginning to suspect that it does quite significantly affect my ability to get a job in the first place.

[ Update: Two points to make here. The comments above in no way apply to my current employer, and I should also state that one of the companies that I was indirectly criticising were not being rude but simply slow, they have actually returned with feedback. One final point as well; I don't name companies I've had dealings with here, that would be unfair, and I certainly don't publish who I work for! Also see the disclaimer at the top - my opinions here remember ]

The Elephant in the room

I'm not entirely sure where I heard this phrase first or who it was that mentioned it but I know it was in the context of a transgender discussion and I suspect it is something that is referred to quite alot.

Over the past few weeks I've had cause to contemplate this phrase numerous times when I consider the number of interactions I've had with people where there could indeed be alot of things that go unsaid or unasked. In some ways it's good that these things have remained that way, there should be no need to refer to me being trans since it has no real affect on my skills, intelligence, abilities, etc. Then again there is the nagging feeling that by trying to ignore such a big issue only makes others more uncomfortable.

My approach before has generally to try and be open and honest and maybe even go completely over-the-top by enthusiastically pointing out the elephant and describing it in, sometimes excrutiating, detail. Now I don't feel that need to do that nor do I want to be that explicit about intimate information about myself with people on a face-to-face basis (this blog is fine, I'm sure most people have got bored of reading it now lol).

So I guess that I'm going to have to learn to live with this large elephant in the room for a while because I think that is the best approach now, I know if I do point it out both of us are going to feel embarassed and in some ways just knowing that I have my large, grey, friend with me gives me some comfort and strength. I think I do still need to put people at their ease as well so I propose to get a little friend for my elephant:

which will hopefully make everyone smile at the three of us.

P.S. Suggestions of *original* names for this, and his larger friend would be very much appreciated. Obvious aliterations are to be avoided!

Loneliness is bad for the environment

It always use to bug me that B would leave the TV, or radio, or both, or even several of these on around the house. She did this a little when I was there and I guess probably more when I wasn't. I also suspect that it use to really bug her that I'd go round and turn them off!

But now I do the same thing. I leave the TV on and don't really watch it, I listen to music in the shower, I stay up later with the lights on and even with computers running and open at FaceBook (and that's got to count as a complete waste of power let alone time).

I wondered why I wasn't going to bed as early and why I have recently taken to this rather wasteful use of energy. Obviously while I don't have a job my usual routine is a little out of sync (I'm use to getting up at 5:30am and rushing around) but I think it's also that I am lonely.

When you have someone else in your life there are more important things than TV and radio, and certainly when you live with another person there is much more of an incentive to get to bed early even if it's just to be there, lying side-by-side, maybe reading a book or talking, or thinking, or any other manner of things apart from the obvious, all of which are equally intimate and fulfilling.

So I guess my aim should be to not be lonely and in that way I'll be doing my bit to help the environment!

("Make love not waste?")

Won't give up!

The previous post was a bit (understatement) bleak and depressing, but I hope no-one thinks that this is a reflection on how I actually am, it is simply the situation that I am in.

I'm not going to let this get the better of me. I am ME, it may not be considered 'normal' and I may have to deal with alot of things that others don't, but I am going to do that.

In the grand scheme of things there are people much worse off than me. I think it would be wrong if I just gave in and said that this was all too much. I'm lucky, I have an awful lot and I've got to keep telling myself that.

So, I keep thinking positive, try and deal with everything that I can ... and listen to songs that have lyrics that mean something to me:

I won't give in
I can't give up

Betrayal

I keep coming up with random words, thoughts and concepts as I try to come to terms with everything in my life and just thought of writing a few words about this one.

I've just been looking at a picture of my (ex)wife, it's from our wedding day and she looks amazing. It struck me that I will never ever fully appreciate how much my leaving and transition has hurt her and how much she must feel betrayed by the man she married.

But then I also thought that, in reality I have also been let down; just as she has lost me, I have also lost her. Both lives are in ruins and while it is *my* issues with my gender that are the cause that reasons has not been wholly responsible for the affects. It didn't have to be this way, being excluded from family life, from my home and blamed so utterly and completely for everything. Those were not my choices, they were hers.

The problem is that it always has to come down to absolute blame, there is no space for objectivity or the possibility that, without sounding clichéd, "it's just one of those things". Facts are not allowed to get in the way of blame. It can't be that given our differences now that we just can't live together. No, it's my fault that our marriage is wrecked. And it's not conceivable that, been unable to cope with the change in gender/appearance of a partner is not my fault, surely it has to be as I'm the one that changed.

I'm not trying to blame anyone else, I'm just trying to point out the unfairness of complete and total fault lying with me. Also the futility of blame is worth considering; I can't help being made this way and feeling how I do, nor could I help taking so long to realise it, why persecute me for something I have no control over particularly when nothing I have said or done as a result has been out of malice?

[ Update: it's been pointed out to me that this reads as if I'm blaming my wife for how things turned out, that is not my intention. I'm really just trying to say that we have both gone through alot and that it is all too easy to make out that the other is to blame for something. There isn't really any blame on anyone, it's just a tragic and unfortunate situation.

I've left the post un-edited to show that sometimes even I get angry and say/write things I may regret or that are mis-interpretted. This blog isn't about attacking anyone, I'm sorry if this article read as if it was ]

Regret and understanding

It's very easy for those who are not trans to see the transition in very simple terms; someone is unhappy in their gender, they get help, they get treatment so therefore they are 'cured' and should also be relieved and elated that they have got what they want and need.

It really isn't that simple though, and I don't really think it's possible for anyone, unless they go through this as well, to fully understand it. In fact I didn't grasp the true ramifications of the choices I made and failed to appreciate really how imense the impact is. I probably won't really get it, apart from in retrospect, when I can look back and take stock of what has happened.

I've spent so long trying to control my emotions and myself that it's even more of a shock when sudden realisation hits, like the other day when I remembered being in a family and doing 'normal' Dad-type things. I remember a picture (I still have it here actually) of me holding my son up for a hug, he has his arm around me and is pointing at something while I smile at the camera. I remember feeling immensely proud when that photo was taken. I've always felt that about my son, I think he is the most amazing little person, even more so now.

I also remember being proud of having a fantastic wife, a good job, nice house, all those things that I worked hard for, the things you dream about having in your life and that make you feel you are someone, they give you confidence and inspiration. I think I did so well to hold off the regret of losing those things but that just made the instant I realised their loss even more painful.

I'm also beginning to understand that how people treat you can have such an impact on your self-confidence. Before my transition I never really thought about it and was either lucky to not encounter much in the way to affect my confidence and feeling of self-worth or was simply naive and blissfully unaware of comments or looks or anything else that could have upset me.

Now I'm beginning to see that it's so easy to be undermined by how I think other people see me, whether this is paranoia or real doesn't matter, the end result is the same; self-confidence diminishes. This is somewhat a vicious circle as it's easier to get upset with yourself the worse you feel about who and what you are.

I probably sound like a broken records but it's worth saying it again; despite appearances this really isn't easy, it's pretty horrid when it comes down to it.

Digital trap

I think I've tried to write this down before but I've not really been able to really find the right words until I could think up a snappier title for the post and maybe get my thoughts lined up in some order.

One the problems with having online representations of my life is that it makes it harder to express what I'm really feeling both here and in real life. A single pithy status update won't convey all the different things I'm going through. It's almost like I need many of these all at the same time to cover my feelings accurately.

I tried to put it in technical terms by saying that my brain was currently "running with a load average of at least 10" but that really only works if you know what on earth I'm talking about! *

What is also hard to convey is how difficult things are when what you have put out into the great digital world seems to be so much of your life; people begin to think that that is all there is and forget that one of the great advantages of this virtual environment is that you can hide your true self completely.

Of course this is essentially a double whammy; putting more into your virtual life not only means people believe that is all there is but you also start to find it harder to express things in reality. The digital representations become your way to trying to communicate with everyone else, to try and explain yourself from the slightly safer-feeling cyber world.

The bottom line is that what appears online is, at best, only showing a few small facets of what I am going through and while these show ups and downs they are by no means a complete picture and should not be taken as the whole.

[ * - Load average on a Linux/UNIX machine is the number of processes available to run at a given point in time (actually over a span of time, e.g. average over the last 1, 5, and 10 minutes). Usually on an unloaded machine the load average is low, often less than 1, even if there are lots of things running, most of the time they are waiting for things to happen. Even on a slightly busier machine load average may not increase much. Once you start getting into bigger numbers then the CPU is constantly going to be doing real work and having to think all the time ]