Squeak Squeak!

First of all I should say I'm fine, all clear and nothing to worry about. Now, to explain what I have actually been worrying about over the past month: I found a lump in my breast.

I am terrible with anything medical-related, I am a total hypochondriac and am also pretty much nervous/scared of hospitals and lots of things associated with them, e.g. I *hate* needles. So when I found a lump I obviously thought the worst and got quite worried (understatement) about it, enough to get me to book an appointment with my GP.

My the GP was fab (I should say all GPs I have ever had/seen have been fab, I'm sure it's part of the job description) and after my burbled explanation had a bit of a prod around and declared that it was likely that I had a "breast mouse"! I believe that the more formal, medical description is fibroid adanoma (excuse spelling or medical inaccuracy here).

[ I would provide a link to some information about this but I'm not going to searching Google as I'll only likely find something else that might freak me out - if anyone has any good links (Jen, you had one :) ) please post them in the comments for others to find/use ]

Anyway, I was assured that this is perfectly benign and nothing to worry about but, as a precaution my GP referred me to the breast screening clinic to get it checked out. I was obviously quite pleased to know it was nothing bad and promptly forgot about it until I got the letter asking me to book an appointment - the NHS now have this choose and book service; not the worlds most swish website but it works really well and is a fantastic system (Note to NHS IT department: honestly the website is fine, please don't try and modernise it and put swishy AJAX and things in it'll just complicate matters :) )

I finally sat down to book the appointment on Sunday and got it for 10:10 this morning - and there were plenty of other alternatives as well. I guess this may not be the same for busier hospitals but it's still fantastic being able to choose days and times.

Very nervous and distracted this morning, in fact have been since I booked the appointment - obviously thinking about things too much (ignorance really is bliss sometimes, for some of us anyway). Got there in time and parked (that's a miracle for most hospitals! Wish they wouldn't charge for parking or at least make it easier to pay - "No Change Given" pay and display is a bit cumbersome).

I got seen by the consultant within, what seemed like only 10mins of getting there. Explained everything about the lump, the hormones I take, other pills (spironolactone in my case), and how far I am with transition. He then had a bit of a prod around (as did the medical student with him: really does anyone ever say "no" when asked if a student can be present, I always say yes immediately and dismiss the question) and confirmed that it felt like a "mouse" or possibly a cyst. Said I'd have to have an ultrasound to check and then they may have to stick a big needle in my breast (he phrased this alot better/kinder than I just did!).

Waited again for a very short period of time before getting the ultrasound, the doctor doing that said almost immediately that it was instead a cyst, nothing to worry about, probably didn't need the needle and was all fine. Phew!

Had to wait again for her to write a report on this and then for me to see the consultant again. Really not long waiting at all, or didn't feel it anyway :)

Consultant said that they *could* use the needle, then quickly said there was no need to, remembering my earlier comments about that procedure! He suggested that given my age (he did actually get it wrong and knocked 5yrs off me - that really cheered me up) cysts were normal and that also, because my hormones were all over the place at the end of last year (I was trying out gel then panicing and going back to patches) that this would also explain their development. Apparently menopausal women can develop cysts due to their hormones fluctuating. So, no need to go back, unless I want the cyst removed (I don't, have plenty of other lumps/bumps and blemishes and in no rush to have anything removed that isn't going to hurt me) so all clear.

Every single doctor/nurse there was fantastic; they were so lovely and reassuring and chatty and the whole visit took only an hour and a half in total, and as I said, it felt quicker and they really went through the packed waiting room very quickly (only two people there when I left).

Really, the NHS is fantastic! I know people complain about it and I'm sure there are cases where things are less than perfect but I am more than happy with the service I've got on the, thankfully, relatively rare, occasions I've needed to see anyone.

Anyway, I learnt a few things today: 1) even though you are desperate to get out of the hospital it might have been a good idea to nip into the toilets and put your bra back on (bouncy boobs not ideal on half-sprint back to car lol) 2) don't muck around with your hormones! Will be sticking to prescribed patches and regime from now on, nice and stable is best.

Me and the mouse are going to get some lunch now, "squeak" :)

I Picked A Hell of a Week ...

... to change my hormones! This is paraphrasing a line from the very silly 80s movie, "Airplane!", but I felt it somewhat apt given the rather serious post of last week; changing hormones after that was maybe not the most sensible thing to do.

As it turns out I don't seem to have had any major problems so I just need to go and get my levels checked to make sure the dosage is right.

Fat!

I should say first in relation to "fat", that a fat lot of use I've been at keeping this blog up to date! Seem to have be swamped with real life, which isn't entirely a bad thing, as well as concentrating on other websites and things instead.

Anyway.

I'm getting fat.

Well, technically I'm not actually putting any weight on, Wii fit tells me I'm exactly the same as I was several months ago (overweight then, BMI 27 I seem to recall, and still same now). However I seem to be continuing to increase in clothes size and had to buy some new jeans the other day since a few of the ones I have are now uncomfortable to wear.

I'm not *that* upset about it since my hips seem to be getting bigger as does my bum (well, I suppose it has to keep up with my hips really lol) but I just wish my boobs would join in the same game as well, I'm sure they must be feeling a little left out!

Will continue with the cycling and eating sensibly and just try and stay health and fit and let my body sort itself out into a shape it's comfortable with.

Why do my boobs shrink when ...

... I've been out cycling?! It's not exactly as if I've feeling my most gorgeous at the time, you'd think they could be a little more considerate and try and put a brave face on it. They haven't been doing any work at all either! I mean, I can understand my bum sighing with relief to be of the seat, it did at least get into the swing of things (I suspect given it's size lol) and was doing it's bit to encourage my legs!

I've noticed as well that may bum appears to be pulling my figure down - if I give it a bit of support I'm actually pretty curvy, left to it's own devices it goes and hides. I'm considering hanging upside down for length periods of time to fool it regarding the direction in which it should be growing.

Anyway, I just thought I'd mention it in case anyone was interested lol!

Six hundred and twenty seven!

Doesn't really have the same ring as "One hundred and eighty!" but this number has much more significance to me: this was the oestrogen level in my latest blood test results!

Strangely the testosterone level is sticking resolutely around 2.0, it's only been as far down as 1.7 so I'm assuming that it's not really going to budge much now which is fine as it's in the middle of the acceptable female range.

One thing to bear in mind with the oestrogen level is that this is just over 24hrs after applying new patches so I would guess the average level is going to be a bit lower. It does help explain why, over the past few days I've felt a little discombobulated - I'd forgotten to change my patches (left it nearly 5 days!) so my levels would have been very low compared to this peak value.

Anyway, it seems that all other levels are normal so I should be fine to continue on with the medication I've got and let the hormones do their work.

The Drug Weather Report

(the title of the post is inspired by, i.e. plagarised from, a sketch of the same name by the comedy group Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie - also on Wikipedia)

I won't even attempt to be as funny as the aforementioned sketch as this is simply an update on what I'm taking at the moment.

A week or so ago I went to see my GP to update her on my latest trip to Dr Curtis (I'm essentially acting as a post-woman in delivering the letter from him to her) and also to get prescriptions for more hormones and the spironolactone as well. No problems in getting these though my GP suggested a blood test after a week rather than the month that Dr Curtis had mentioned just as a precaution since this drug can increase potassium levels quite alot and that is a risk factor (anyone considering self-medication take note!).

Anyway I've been on the spironolactone for over a week now and haven't really noticed any significant affects, good or bad, though obviously the positive changes do take some time to happen. From what I read the drug can take over two weeks to actually start to act so it's early days yet. Should get my blood results next week which should hopefully provide some reassurance that it's not having any negative affect.


Oh, I should also mention that one of the affects of this drug is to lower blood pressure, mine is actually quite low anyway (my Dad has actually suffered some problems because of this) so that obviously something to keep an eye on.

Is it really worth it?

I think I am having a nasty bout of reality at the moment which I guess is the euphemism I employ when I am thinking about things rather too lucidly for my own liking.

I've had a few minor aches and pains recently, bad back (due, I think, to all the walking on Monday, sleeping funny, or just lifting heavy objects - my son!), and the, to quote the adverts, misery of hayfever symptoms. Also I'm not sticking to my diet, not been cycling into work last week and generally just meandering at the moment.

I've spent the weekend being fairly productive however, seeing my son yesterday and getting some chores done today. Because I've not been out either day I've not bothered with make-up, partly because the hay-fever really was making my eyes stream and anything on my eyes would either make them itch even more or eventually end up smeared all over my face. So I've really been looking at my face, and also the rest of me, without the usual benefit of even the thinnest veneer of artificial femininity.

And it's not really a pleasant sight. It's also not really a very convincing sight either. The reality is that I've only been on hormones for 6months and they don't make significant changes within that time (and given that my dosage has been increased it's arguable that nothing big is going to happen until all the drugs are at the right level).

When it comes down to it there is little real difference between me a year ago and how my body, and to some degree mind, is today. In fact the mind thing is maybe the bit that really has changed the least; there are some changes in my body, obviously, as I've noted before, but really if I sit down and think seriously there isn't any real mental change.

This is something that I once read (paraphrasing): hormones don't make you into a woman, they only deal with the physical changes to make you look more like the one you feel you are. I think what they do help though in giving you something to pin your belief in your real gender identity on. It's hard to feel like a given gender if you don't really feel you look the part.

Being a given gender for so long it is really hard to suddenly become another overnight. While hormones can't undo the changes made during puberty the longer you have been exposed to the "testosterone poisoning" (can't remember where I read that but it sounded apt) the harder it is for them to at least make the best of a bad job and try and smooth (pun intended) out your body. I think the same is true of your mental state, the longer as the wrong gender makes it much harder to become the new (correct) one.

I am finding it difficult to, in some ways, recapture my belief in myself and who and what I am at the moment. Probably not helped by me taking refuge in the distractions I use to indulge in to block everything out, i.e. gadgets, technology, tinkering with computers. I know there should be nothing exclusively 'male' about being totally geeky and nerdy but in my experience it does seem to be so and I also can't help but associate those feelings with the old me.

I'm beginning to see why alot of transsexuals would have facial surgery, it's not only to feminize their appearance more, but to also make it just different so that there isn't the constant reminder of who/what they were.

As ever I take a fairly pragmatic view of everything. Things do upset me, sometimes without me fully acknowledging how much, even to myself, and I do still want to make progress. But I never have been, nor probably ever will be, so upset, angry, distressed, or disturbed about what I am going through to really go to extremes. I always really do just think that things could be worse and that I'm lucky with how my life is even if it could be better. Some would say that, being able to think like that is a good thing, there are times, like now, when I suspect they are wrong.

Hormone update

Just a quick post to mention about the treatment I'm on just in case anyone is curious.

After seeing Dr Curtis on Monday my medication is changing a little; my estrogen level was a little low and I did mention my concern that the patches might not be as effective in this heat and with me cycling and therefore perspiring (yeah I know, "sweating" really) a bit.

The suggestion was to stick the patches on my lower back below the waistline which I'm going to start trying next week though do still prefer them stuck at the front where I feel they probably get more blood-flow - will experiement.

Also I'm not to change the patches every 3 days so as to keep the dosage up at a higher level (hopefully). My tests in February had a level of 25o or so for estrogen, 2 days after applying a patch. This last time it was 173 but that was 1 day before I was due to change the patches.

I'm also going to start on 100mg of spironolactone which is an anti-androgen. Given my levels so far there may not be a need for this (my testosterone count was low anyway) but I felt that I wasn't getting the development/changes I would have expected so thought I would like to try this. It's possible that this drug will make no difference, any change may have been likely to happen with the hormones alone.

Just a note about self-medicating. I guess anyone reading this blog could take the information on dosage I have given and apply it to themselves (I actually found it really difficult to find suggested treatments when I did a search to compare what I am on to what others take).

I would strongly suggest that you DON'T do this! Everyone is different and while this dosage may be fine for me and even others (it's comparable to what my friends have taken) it's not guarenteed. If you get this wrong you could be risking your health and life. Much better to at least have your GP on-board so that you can have the relevant blood-tests (which is what I do) to check everything is okay.

Gravitational effect on fat distribution

I haven't been keeping up with the blog posts so I've not really been able to write down all the things I've been going through and the bizarre thoughts and feelings that I've been experiencing. As ever things have been a bit of a roller-coaster ride but that is fairly normal under the circumstances.

I've been trying to sort out how I look recently, getting better make-up (my skin type has changed a bit and I guess I needed a different shade of foundation also), wearing the right bra, and trying to use the clothes that I have as well as supplementing these with items that make complete outfits.

Essentially I think I'm trying to learn, experiement and above all be realistic about life and get things sorted out to move forward (I've also been trying to do the same with my finances and flat and ... well, now I come to think of it, everything).

As part of that I decided to try and make myself look a bit, well, I was going to say 'glam' but I guess I was aiming for 'sexy' or more realisticly 'womanly'. Also managed to buy a remote control for my camera (makes it easier to take pics of yourself!) and wanted to try that out. Below is the results of my efforts:


There are a few other pics that came out quite well but could maybe do with a bit of selective cropping. I think I also need an editing tool that makes me smile in pictures because I very rarely do! Hmmm, in fact I think my pics go from one extreme to another; no smiling or laughing out loud!

I should point out that I took about an hour to do the make-up, and took about 100 shots so clearly I'm not going to be trying to look like this every day!

Anyway, this brings me to my new theory: "the graviational effects on fat distribution", also known as "why have I got a fat bum".

I have noticed over the recent months that I do have quite a big bum. It did probably start off on the fairly large size and hormones have probably taken their toll but I never really saw this as much of a problem before. However yesterday I wore a skirt that I usually wear for work and it seemed a little tight in the bum area, not overly so but it did start me thinking.

So today my thoughts wandered back to this, erm, problem and it occurred to me that I'm clearly in the wrong kind of job to avoid having a big bum given that I spend so much time sat on mine and there must be some mechanical effects there based on the weight of my body being supported by my posterior! It also occurred to me that all the fat must be getting pulled by gravity towards my bum as well!

In fact, if it's not careful it's going to get it's own gravity and that could start a chain reaction which woul ultimately lead to me disappearing into a singularity created by an overly J-Lo'ed bottom. Or possibly I'm just getting carried away here lol

Hormones and T-count

I had an appointment with my GP (who is absolutely lovely) today mainly to get a prescription for hormone patches as well as to deliver the letter from my specialist and discuss anything in that (which was mainly about the dosage of hormones really).

Anyway I got two very good things out of this appointment: first of all I got a prescription for 6months worth of hormone patches for the bargain price of £14.70 (it's two prescriptions since I need the 100ug/24hour and 50ug/24hour patches). Need to pick these up from the chemist later today.

The second thing is my blood tests. I though I had all the results but apparently not! I mentioned that the T-count wasn't on the print-out that I had before but that was apparently just because the results hadn't come back, it was on this one though: 2.4nmol/L which is well within the genetic female range (for reference my T-count before was 12.4 - bottom end of the male range),

These results where from *before* Dr Curtis increased my estrogen dosage so goodness only knows what they will drop to now that I'm on 1.5x the previous amount. Actually I don't think it will move much now and there are other levels that are a little on the night side and it might be those that drop instead.

One thing appears to be certain though: I am now totally female from a hormonal point of view and just need my body (and mind) to catch up!

Hormones ...

... more of them in fact!

Bit of a mix up with my test results - they didn't include a testosterone count which means that it's difficult to know if my levels are completely right. However, the value of 253 for the estrogren isn't as high as it needs to be, around 400 is more like it.

So, I'm now on two patches! The extra one is half the dosage, so in total I'm on 150micrograms/24hrs. My levels will be checked again in 3 months and then I may still need anti-androgens or possibly the hormones will have done the trick.

I guess it's just a fairly slow process to get levels correct and it is a little frustrating in some ways. Then again, I am getting some of the beneficial effects of the estrogen already (on the old dose) so my body is responding which is a good thing. The anti-androgens are apparently for stopping the testosterone and do not in anyway contribute to feminisation - that's what the estrogen does. Potentially the testosterone may reduce to the right level with just the patches alone and more pills won't be needed, which will be good.

Anyway, I'll see how the extra estrogen effects me over the coming weeks - could be 'fun'.

Blood Test Results

I got my results from the blood test I had last week which are important given that it's the first check of my levels since starting hormones and will be used by Dr Curtis on Friday to figure out if I need more/less/different medication.

I can't say that I really understand all of the numbers but there is one thing worth bearing in mind; when I had my original tests done it was in my old name and gender and everything was 'normal', now it's the new me and everything is still 'normal' but that obviously means something completely different!

Obviously I need Dr Curtis to explain what all the numbers mean and whether there needs to be any changing in the hormones I'm taking (I am quite a high dose now anyway), but it does look like my levels have adjusted properly and this would explain what I have been going through over the past weeks/months. In some ways I hope I don't need any adjustments to what I'm taking as it's not entirely pleasant as it is!

I do feel quite good about the results and it's making me feel like this is more real - which is pretty scary and encouraging at the same time. I'm starting to feel that my body is (slowly) becoming more feminine, even if it is just small changes at the moment and there is still a long way to go. I think the more noticeable the change the better, in some ways, that I will feel.

It is beginning to dawn on me that this is really happening and that in itself is a strange feeling. I have done everything that I needed to to get to this point but I don't think I ever really believed it would happen. I guess I just thought that nothing much would change and that the tiny bits of sellotape I've been sticking to myself would have no affect.

Thinking about this I feel that I'm slowly changing what I do, how I dress, act, etc from something that is an act in a way, an imitation, to the real me. I guess I feel more justified to dress and be how I am now that there are actual physical/mental changes. I still worry about how I come across (so need to work on my voice, etc) but am now more relaxed in some ways because I feel less like I have to try to be something than I am that thing anyway ... just very new at it.

Hmmm, rambling now! More when I have something interesting/useful to say!

Hairy McClary ....

... from Donaldsons Dairy. I actually always thought it was "McScary" but apparently not. Anyway the book is available on Amazon.

This isn't actually about Chirldren's books but that dredded hair stuff that I seem to spend an enternity trying to remove only to see loads more of it making an appearance the following day. The problem is particularly acute for me as I am 'lucky' to still have fairly dark hair but I also have very pale skin.

Anyway, I generally attack most unwanted hair with an epilator which does the best job at removing it but it does eventually recover and grow back. I have noticed now that some of the hairs growing back are paler and finer than before, they are actually really hard to see but, for example, if I look at my arm over a black background I can see alot more hairs that if I stare at it directly (which is essentially against the white background of my skin).

I've also been using the epilator on my legs again and, so far, have suffered less from in-growing hairs than I did before. Also the skin on my legs feels a little softer.

WARNING: Work people beware, I'm going to be talking about my breasts again, you probably want to be finding something else to read at this point!

Boobs were quite uncomfortable yesterday and rather tender, not helped by wearing forms all day. Still worse discomfort on the left than on the right, but that side is slowly catching up. The areola still doesn't seem much different in size but is getting the "goose-flesh" appearance which I guess are some of the lubrication ducts (she says trying to sound authorative when having just read this on the Wikipedia article).

One thing I did notice in the mirror this morning is the area around and outside of the areola (that's quite easy to type when you get use to it you know, areola, areola, areola ... sorry, got carried away there) seems a different colour, lighter in fact, than the rest of the breast. On my left side the area is bigger than that on the right so I am assuming that this is something to do with the development of the breasts in some way.

Think I'll probably leave further discussion of this for a while now since I doubt much more interesting things are going to happen until more time has passed - though of course I'm now watching for every tiny little change which is likely to make me rather impatient!

Here we go ....

Well, I think the hormones really are starting to kick in now! I've discussed my 'symptoms' with a close friend and it seems that things may be beginning to develop as expected/hoped for.

Now, I didn't think I would be doing this so soon, but for anyone I work with or any family that might have stumbled onto this blog by accident, now is the time you should STOP READING! The rest of this is more for the benefit of other TG people who may have started/be thinking of starting hormones. I'm going to try and start describing the changes I go through and it's maybe not work-time reading. Yeah, okay, for now it's not too bad but best get in some practice of avoiding reading what I write!

So the changes so far: My skin is definitely getting softer. This is noticeable on the back of my hands but I think the skin on my legs is thining slightly and a little softer. I say that because I use an epilator (yes, I know "ow!") and have usually had a problem with in-growing hairs. Now it doesn't seem as bad and the exfoliating regime seems to make a real difference.

And now, any work colleagues, this is your final warning (yeah, like you're going to listen)!

Breast development does seem to have started. My nipples have started to become slightly painful and they feel like there is something hard behind them. I can't think of a better word than 'lump' but it's not a lump in the scarey sense. The pain isn't bad at all and feels a little like I've bruised my chest. Also the sensation is asymmetrical though I've heard/read that breast development is often biased to one side at first.

I haven't seen much change in terms of body hair as yet doesn't seem to have slowed or thinned as yet, I would expect this to take a little longer also it might be hard to pin down any real alteration in growth since the epilator is pretty effective when I use it!

I think my moods have changed a little and that I am alternating a bit between happy and less happy during the day. Again this is hard to pin down as I've been working longer hours and also still haven't got back into my cycling routine so regular sleep and early nights aren't happening.

In terms of mental ability I think it's fair to say I've actually been extra geeky recently due to the workload and nature of the tasks. So it could either be viewed as "business as usual" or even a slight increase in nerdiness maybe as a kind of rebellion against the other changes!

Hormones ... the story so far

Just a quick update because I had promised to keep everyone up-to-date on how the hormones and other treatments (well not on anything else yet) are going.

I've been on the patches now for just over a month and I can't say I've noticed anything at all, good or bad. My skin might be a tiny bit softer but that could just be because I'm using more hand/face cream due to the cold weather.

There is no obvious development in the chest area, though that is to be expected as it takes a while for anything to happen there.

I've not noticed any extreme emotional changes at all, nor any bad side-affects.

In fact nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero, etc.

There could be many reasons for all of this:
1) It does take a while for the hormone levels to adjust so I might not be there yet
2) I might be there but am lucky to have no bad affects and the good ones are just taking their time
3) My levels might have not shifted at all in which case I'll need more hormones and/or anti-androgens

I'm not really going to find out until my check-up which I've booked for the 20th February. Just before then I need to get my bloods done to find out what my levels are so that Dr Curtis can adjust my medication appropriately.

So?

Well, I've basically just typed everything I could think of from this weekend but really I've not said how I feel or what I'm thinking.

In reality, "I don't know" and "not alot" sums up the answers to those questions. I'm really quite tired from the whole weekend and just in a daze. I'm not thinking seriously about anything yet, it hasn't hit my yet.

I approached alot of this weekend in a very practical way to just get through it and that's how I'm continuing to work now - I think, after a few days I may have a better idea of how I really feel about the enormous change in my life that I have just made, even if it's not going to be really apparent what the affects are for some time.

Anyway, bedtime I think. Night x.

Ringing the changes

There were so many puns to choose from but I thought this was the most apt! I had this silly little idea the other day, not sure where it came from but it just seemed like something I wanted/needed to do and now I'm thinking seriously about it. Still might be silly though!

I use to like wearing my wedding ring, I'd never wore jewelery before, but it was a nice feeling for many reasons; showing commitment, wearing a nice/different colour of gold (welsh gold), and having something to fiddle with while thinking. The ring never fit properly but I always refused to have it reduced in size or changed in any way at all. I obviously don't wear it now but do miss it.

Anyway, I'm trying to get more jewelery at the moment because I think it looks good with what I wears and it makes me feel good (normal reasons I guess). I'd mainly concentrated on necklaces and earrings but recently found some (cheap) rings that fit. They look okay for being at work or out but they aren't exactly hard-wearing (copper last well in pipes but not on fingers).

The other thing I was thinking about was marking a big step in my transition when, if all goes well, I will start on hormones (in about 10days time). While there will be no real physical change on that day it is still pretty important.

So it occurred to me that a ring would be as good a thing as any with which to mark this occasion and here is one that I have just found that I think is exactly what I want:

This is 9ct white gold (I like silver-coloured jewelery, I think it looks better against my rather pale skin), blue topaz and diamonds. The stones are significant as they are, according to the site I found the gems for birthdays in April, diamond, and December, blue topaz. Why is that significant? Well my actual birthday is in April and when I *really* start to become a woman will be in December - yes, it's rather cheesy I know but it was just one of those thoughts that stuck and wouldn't go away.

The ring is a little expensive and I have this nasty feeling that it may be difficult to get it in my size but I think I'll look into it anyway ... I just feel I have to mark this point in my life in some way and with something that will last for a long, long time.

As for my wedding ring, well, I've thought before that I wanted to wear that somehow, it probably fits even worse now (I've lost a little weight), and the gold probably doesn't go and obviously I can't wear it on my ring finger - but I'll maybe do what I've thought about before which is to get a necklace on which to wear it, I certainly don't want to just hide it away forever, it's still something of who I am.

Completely wasted

I just thought it may be worth recording the points in my life when I'm absolutely wasted (drunk too much) and unbeliveably emotional so that these can be used for future reference to either show that I'm totally f***ed up or at the very least an emotional wreck.

I broke down in tears while IM'ing my friend S, I think the emotion for the day finally caught up with me.

I am sooooo drunk it is untrue.

Please, someone give me the hormones now. Is this the drink talking? Maybe. Is it what I want? Yes, very probably.

Then again, I'm drunk, please ignore this post.