While I have done some really enjoyable things over the past month (photography at the Fashion City York catwalk show, my birthday party, Legoland with my son, more photoshoots, the Festival of Vintage) I seem to have had a few knocks as well which really have left me feeling a bit down.
I was prompted to write this post now after my son didn't want to speak to me on the phone. I hardly get to talk to him as it is and when I can call is so limited given everything he does and the times when he's 'busy'. I think what gets to me is that him not talking is so 'acceptable'. Not wanting to talk to me is 'understandable' and that is something I have to accept. Of course it's my fault after all.
It's much easier to justify certain behaviour when you can allocate blame: if I'm in the wrong that makes me bad and others actions are 'good' by default. This kind of reasoning is typified by the premise that I have 'done' something - I have made a concious decision to be 'bad' and therefore all consequences are to be expected and accepted.
None of this take into account my feelings and how upset I am. Nor does it really do anything to deal with the, quite complicated, reality of what has happened. There are only so many times I can apologise for the way I am, this really isn't my 'fault', it's something I ultimately had no control over.
My partner and I split last week as well, amicably and by mutual agreement but that kind of thing still upsets and hurts. Last week just seems to have been a horrible week with me feeling down about the split and lots of other things that are bothering me.
I guess everyone has ups and downs and there are lots of things I am very grateful for I could just do without my confidence and emotions being knocked about so much at the moment.
Showing posts with label son. Show all posts
Showing posts with label son. Show all posts
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
Fireworks!
February 26th was the finale of the 2011 York Viking Festival and the first time I've actually got to see this event (I missed it the previous year), I'll certainly be attending the 2012 one as well and would highly recommend that to anyone.It just so happened that this was the day I was to see my son also so it was a perfect opportunity for a day (and evening) out in York. It also meant that he ended up visiting me house again, albeit briefly so I could get the sandwiches ready before going into town on the bus. It's only the second time he's been there (usually easier to just see him near where he lives) and it was lovely to just be able to sit and chat to him at home for a little while ... well until the game on the Wii loaded and then he got engrossed in that. Still enjoyed watching him play on the Lego Star Wars game as that was something we use to do before I moved.
We had a really good day and, thanks to a fantastic friend, also an absolutely wonderful evening at the finale event since we were able to get into the VIP area and had a great view of the "warm-up" (quite an apt description of Flame Oz) act (shown above), the final battle, boat-burning and amazing fireworks display.
[ Note: The event is really well organised and I suspect that almost everyone had a really good view of what was going on, there seemed to be plenty of space for everyone to see the main arena anyway ]
It was a long day and my son was very tired by the end of the evening and fell asleep on the way back to his house, I only managed to stay awake on the trip back home back singing along to the CD (Glee and other music as I recall) at the top of my voice! So, very late back home and tired myself but happy that we'd had such an amazing day.
For anyone interested, the rest of my Viking Festival pictures are on my website.
Thursday, 3 February 2011
Stop and Think
With one thing and another recently I've had quite alot going on and much to think about. While alot of the thinking has either been preoccupation with something that has been bothering me, or distraction to avoid such reality, I've also had a few moments of relative clarity.
Looking back I never could have imagined that my life would be as it is now. So much has changed in the past two and a bit years and it is hard to really see the huge changes completely objectively, for a start there are many things that I regret and that upset me; the distance from my son being the most obvious one.
I generally try to keep everything under control and avoid dwelling too much on the past, I guess the distractions, good and bad, of recent times have helped in that respect and I generally like to keep busy. Things do get past my defences though. A few weeks ago I received by decree absolute, something that I knew was on it's way and that really is only the final piece of paperwork to confirm the end of my marriage. I thought I was prepared for it, but I wasn't, it was still incredibly upsetting.
My son has a busy social life; I always joke that it is much better than mine which may actually be completely accurate (and not entirely a bad thing for him). But this means that he's often got more interesting things to do then spend time with me, or is not available to talk. This really, really is fine and perfectly normal, I so want him to be getting on with things and enjoying himself, I don't want to stand in the way of that. I still can't help being a little upset by it sometimes. I guess this is a purely selfish reaction on my part but nevertheless it's something else I try not to think about.
There are many other aspects of my life and the journey I have taken to get here that I am reflecting on at the moment. One of the reasons for thinking a little deeper than my usual superficial silliness is that I have an appointment in a few weeks for a second opinion from a specialist. I'm likely to be going over all of the same questions that I have been asked before and explaining how I feel and who I am, so naturally this has made me cover the same mental ground as well. The second opinion will hopefully be what helps me move onto the next step in this process, for example, I'll be able to apply for my GRC (Gender Recognition Certificate).
So, lots to think about, not all bad, some of it is even interesting and also surprising but there are also those bits that really will always remain as regrets, albeit, tempered with recognition of how lucky I am and a degree of pragmatism that things can get better :)
Looking back I never could have imagined that my life would be as it is now. So much has changed in the past two and a bit years and it is hard to really see the huge changes completely objectively, for a start there are many things that I regret and that upset me; the distance from my son being the most obvious one.
I generally try to keep everything under control and avoid dwelling too much on the past, I guess the distractions, good and bad, of recent times have helped in that respect and I generally like to keep busy. Things do get past my defences though. A few weeks ago I received by decree absolute, something that I knew was on it's way and that really is only the final piece of paperwork to confirm the end of my marriage. I thought I was prepared for it, but I wasn't, it was still incredibly upsetting.
My son has a busy social life; I always joke that it is much better than mine which may actually be completely accurate (and not entirely a bad thing for him). But this means that he's often got more interesting things to do then spend time with me, or is not available to talk. This really, really is fine and perfectly normal, I so want him to be getting on with things and enjoying himself, I don't want to stand in the way of that. I still can't help being a little upset by it sometimes. I guess this is a purely selfish reaction on my part but nevertheless it's something else I try not to think about.
There are many other aspects of my life and the journey I have taken to get here that I am reflecting on at the moment. One of the reasons for thinking a little deeper than my usual superficial silliness is that I have an appointment in a few weeks for a second opinion from a specialist. I'm likely to be going over all of the same questions that I have been asked before and explaining how I feel and who I am, so naturally this has made me cover the same mental ground as well. The second opinion will hopefully be what helps me move onto the next step in this process, for example, I'll be able to apply for my GRC (Gender Recognition Certificate).
So, lots to think about, not all bad, some of it is even interesting and also surprising but there are also those bits that really will always remain as regrets, albeit, tempered with recognition of how lucky I am and a degree of pragmatism that things can get better :)
Tuesday, 22 June 2010
Don't know where to start
I've really got behind with blogs and uploading of pictures. Everything seems to have been so busy lately and I just haven't had time to sit down and write anything. There is quite alot I need to write though. The divorce is reaching it's conclusion, I'm also getting to the point where transition gets a little more difficult that just taking pills, my relationship with my parents continues to be 'interesting', and there is so much more to consider seriously now when almost everything seems to have been dealt with. I maybe have the space to consider reality, even if I don't seem to have the spare time to do that.
From a practical point of view, I'm going to start putting all my pictures in galleries on my website, currently the 'beta' version of this is here but it'll eventually move to the main site itself. Full-sized images will still be available on my deviantART page and I'm now generating prints on there which you can buy (the site handles all the purchasing/printing and I get a small royalty - am going to try buying my own prints to see how it works later).
I really do need to get more organised at this as the photography continues at a rapid pace. I've now spent a significant amount on kit and really should be able to produce some impressive photographs and actually start to do something serious about this rather than just mucking around aimlessly. More importantly I've got ALOT to learn and I need/want to do that quickly.
I'm beginning to realise that my seemingly endless spending and obsession with things like photography and otehr gadgetry really is linked to my state of mind and other issues. It's becoming apparent that I really do shop because I'm unhappy and that I've got lots of things to resolve and deal with (including reining back the spending obviously).
There's lots I need to write about the relationship with my son aswell. The other day I stated, quite categorically that I didn't have much of a plan in life, I then found myself thinking, some time later, that I really need to fix that. I need a goal of, for example, seeing my son more and living closer too him, or even just putting even more effort into making sure that we have a strong relationship; as it is I always get the feeling that I'm missing out on so much and becoming less relevant to his life. Not nice.
From a practical point of view, I'm going to start putting all my pictures in galleries on my website, currently the 'beta' version of this is here but it'll eventually move to the main site itself. Full-sized images will still be available on my deviantART page and I'm now generating prints on there which you can buy (the site handles all the purchasing/printing and I get a small royalty - am going to try buying my own prints to see how it works later).
I really do need to get more organised at this as the photography continues at a rapid pace. I've now spent a significant amount on kit and really should be able to produce some impressive photographs and actually start to do something serious about this rather than just mucking around aimlessly. More importantly I've got ALOT to learn and I need/want to do that quickly.
I'm beginning to realise that my seemingly endless spending and obsession with things like photography and otehr gadgetry really is linked to my state of mind and other issues. It's becoming apparent that I really do shop because I'm unhappy and that I've got lots of things to resolve and deal with (including reining back the spending obviously).
There's lots I need to write about the relationship with my son aswell. The other day I stated, quite categorically that I didn't have much of a plan in life, I then found myself thinking, some time later, that I really need to fix that. I need a goal of, for example, seeing my son more and living closer too him, or even just putting even more effort into making sure that we have a strong relationship; as it is I always get the feeling that I'm missing out on so much and becoming less relevant to his life. Not nice.
Sunday, 14 March 2010
Missing Being Interrupted
The mountain bikes got a much needed clean today; I don't think I've done that since I bought them about three years ago so it was a rather time-consuming, and messy process. I stayed outside for a good 2hrs while I cleaned and checked the bikes and, when it finally started to get dark I'd managed to get the moving parts free of accumulated dirt and oil and had everything working well.
And that was it. I just did that job, put the bikes away again and then went in. No-one came to ask me how I was doing or when I'd be finished or if they could help*, I had no interruptions at all.
That's when it hit me that doing these kind of jobs is something I use to do quite alot of in my former life and, in fact those interruptions were actually something precious. I really felt quite alone once I realised I much I miss that and much about things before.
I thought about this more when I came in and came to the conclusion that I feel happier as the 'new' me, I'm more comfortable and at ease with myself. But I'm really beginning to miss lots of the little things that I now realise meant something quite big. I guess again that this is one of those lessons about life; you really need to appreciate even the littlest things, even the interruptions, they might be the things you miss the most.
[ * - I should say that I'm not having a go at Rachel here, she was very busy doing image processing and many other jobs. ]
And that was it. I just did that job, put the bikes away again and then went in. No-one came to ask me how I was doing or when I'd be finished or if they could help*, I had no interruptions at all.
That's when it hit me that doing these kind of jobs is something I use to do quite alot of in my former life and, in fact those interruptions were actually something precious. I really felt quite alone once I realised I much I miss that and much about things before.
I thought about this more when I came in and came to the conclusion that I feel happier as the 'new' me, I'm more comfortable and at ease with myself. But I'm really beginning to miss lots of the little things that I now realise meant something quite big. I guess again that this is one of those lessons about life; you really need to appreciate even the littlest things, even the interruptions, they might be the things you miss the most.
[ * - I should say that I'm not having a go at Rachel here, she was very busy doing image processing and many other jobs. ]
Monday, 15 February 2010
Chinese New Year
Sunday was spent in Manchester with my son seeing the Chinese New Year celebrations. On the plus side we had a good time, managed to see some of the performances (the Dragon for example), took a few pictures and ate some nice food. Ultimately though it was rather over-crowded and we didn't stay into the evening to see the fireworks.It was lovely to see my son again and I must mention what really made the day extra special. For a start I was able to pick him up from his house rather than meeting somewhere else. This in itself is an amazingly huge step and I am thankful enough for that alone. But I also got to stay for a while when I dropped him off and got to see the wonderful home in which he lives and also his bedroom.
I know that sounds a bit silly, it's just a room after all, but it had changed so much since I was last there and ... I really don't know how to explain it. It was just something I wanted to be able to share in and be able to picture in my head when I talked to him on the phone.
When I left I was close to tears I was so grateful and happy, I really can't describe how much it meant to me. All I can say is Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, Thank you.
Monday, 18 January 2010
Dad
I am, and will always be, my son's Dad (or father, or Daddy, or parent, or whatever term you want to use). This is not something that anyone can change, nor would I want to. It is rather confusing of course, for him, me, and I guess anyone that overhears him calling me that (maybe when he is older he may want to refer to me by some other name, that is entirely his choice).
Nothing that has happened to me or that has changed in my life has affected how I feel about my son, I still care just as much as I ever did and want the best for him. I may not be the most conventional parent in the world and I may never have been perfect but that doesn't change the fact of what I feel and how much I really, really do care.
As I have progressed through my transition though, my relationship with my son has been gradually eroded. I started with the totally naive view that I would be able to still take him to/from school, then that I could see him at least every weekend, which then became every other. Now it's one day every month. Alot of these changes are down to simple practicalities, or that's what I tell myself anyway; really it's beginning to feel that I'm losing more than just distance and infrequent visits would account for.
Will I just become a chore? Am I seen as that now? Will I ever get to see my son swim, appear in a school play, or watch him involved in any of the many activities that he does? Am I destined to just be an outcast from his life? Just the person who is only able to show how much they care by paying the bills or buying toys or a meal or activity day out and about? Am I not allowed the time in which to actually know my own child? I really don't know what is going to happen, but sadly I'm beginning to suspect what the outcome will be and I don't know what I can do to change that, I really thought it would be different to the other stories I heard, but it's not.
There is another point to this post and that is to talk about my Dad. I have now started to raise the subject of talking to him when I speak to my Mum. I haven't spoken to him in probably 6months now and I thought that it was maybe because there hadn't been a real reason to or that I'd just been hogging the conversation with my Mum about everything that had been happening to me (I probably - well definitely - do this anyway).
So I asked if I could have a chat to him, and didn't really get given any objections so I assumed it was simply a matter of time. Then I asked again and was told that his response to my previous request was eseentially to dismiss it. It's not that we've just not got round to speaking it's that he really is actively avoiding talking to me at all. Not just about my transition but about anything. My own Dad won't talk to me, at all, period.
How the f*** (apologies for the 'bad word' but frankly I felt like it) do you think that makes me feel. What the hell have I done that is so evil? I'm still me for goodness sake! I know this is alot to deal with, in fact I maybe don't know how hard it is for them but, no matter what, I'm still my Dad's child, everything I was before I am now, I am just more honest about the things in my head related to my gender. I'm not doing this for kicks or to hurt anyone at all, for f***s sake there's counsellers, psychiatrists and everything that are meant to be on hand for this condition, you'd kinda think your parents could at least appreciated that.
The thing I said to my Mum was this: what if something happens? I know it's melodramatic but you can never tell in life and I think the most horrible thing would be not being able to tell someone you love them or not be able to hear that from them before it's too late. A minor falling out is one thing but actively avoiding talking to your own flesh and blood seems particularly hurtful.
So, along with many other relationships that I've lost or that have been irrevocable damaged, it seems those with my son and my own Dad continue to fade and I'd just like to record forever that I love them both dearly and I'm so sorry that I have hurt them and wish with all my heart that there is a way to repair both relationships.
Son, I am so proud of you, more than I can ever say or show. You are amazing.
Dad, I'm so sorry to have upset you, I never meant to disappoint you so much.
Nothing that has happened to me or that has changed in my life has affected how I feel about my son, I still care just as much as I ever did and want the best for him. I may not be the most conventional parent in the world and I may never have been perfect but that doesn't change the fact of what I feel and how much I really, really do care.
As I have progressed through my transition though, my relationship with my son has been gradually eroded. I started with the totally naive view that I would be able to still take him to/from school, then that I could see him at least every weekend, which then became every other. Now it's one day every month. Alot of these changes are down to simple practicalities, or that's what I tell myself anyway; really it's beginning to feel that I'm losing more than just distance and infrequent visits would account for.
Will I just become a chore? Am I seen as that now? Will I ever get to see my son swim, appear in a school play, or watch him involved in any of the many activities that he does? Am I destined to just be an outcast from his life? Just the person who is only able to show how much they care by paying the bills or buying toys or a meal or activity day out and about? Am I not allowed the time in which to actually know my own child? I really don't know what is going to happen, but sadly I'm beginning to suspect what the outcome will be and I don't know what I can do to change that, I really thought it would be different to the other stories I heard, but it's not.
There is another point to this post and that is to talk about my Dad. I have now started to raise the subject of talking to him when I speak to my Mum. I haven't spoken to him in probably 6months now and I thought that it was maybe because there hadn't been a real reason to or that I'd just been hogging the conversation with my Mum about everything that had been happening to me (I probably - well definitely - do this anyway).
So I asked if I could have a chat to him, and didn't really get given any objections so I assumed it was simply a matter of time. Then I asked again and was told that his response to my previous request was eseentially to dismiss it. It's not that we've just not got round to speaking it's that he really is actively avoiding talking to me at all. Not just about my transition but about anything. My own Dad won't talk to me, at all, period.
How the f*** (apologies for the 'bad word' but frankly I felt like it) do you think that makes me feel. What the hell have I done that is so evil? I'm still me for goodness sake! I know this is alot to deal with, in fact I maybe don't know how hard it is for them but, no matter what, I'm still my Dad's child, everything I was before I am now, I am just more honest about the things in my head related to my gender. I'm not doing this for kicks or to hurt anyone at all, for f***s sake there's counsellers, psychiatrists and everything that are meant to be on hand for this condition, you'd kinda think your parents could at least appreciated that.
The thing I said to my Mum was this: what if something happens? I know it's melodramatic but you can never tell in life and I think the most horrible thing would be not being able to tell someone you love them or not be able to hear that from them before it's too late. A minor falling out is one thing but actively avoiding talking to your own flesh and blood seems particularly hurtful.
So, along with many other relationships that I've lost or that have been irrevocable damaged, it seems those with my son and my own Dad continue to fade and I'd just like to record forever that I love them both dearly and I'm so sorry that I have hurt them and wish with all my heart that there is a way to repair both relationships.
Son, I am so proud of you, more than I can ever say or show. You are amazing.
Dad, I'm so sorry to have upset you, I never meant to disappoint you so much.
Sunday, 8 November 2009
Horrible Histories - The Woeful Second World War
This was a production that I saw at the Manchester Opera House this weekend and I thought it would be worth a quick review to give some idea of what it was like. For some background you probably need to be familiar with the Horrible Histories books and TV series on CBBC.
The theatre version was produced by the Birmingham Stage Company and includes some 3D affects in the second half (glasses provided) as well as the usual elements you would expect from such a show, e.g. songs, dialogue, a few jokes, and a little bit of audience participation.
Overall the show was quite good but it does take a while to get going and it's only when they get to the point where the audience is encouraged to sing along and do some actions that you really start to feel entertained. This occurs just before the interval so you might have younger kids getting a little restless before then.
The second half of the show is a little more lively and the 3D affects weren't over the top and added to the entertainment (I won't spoil things by explaining why but the kids seemed to appreciate it anyway). The ending is poignant but not overly sentimental such that the kids might switch off.
So, would I recommend it? Well yes, I guess I would, it seemed to entertain and did get across a few useful facts. That said it's quite alot of money for such a small slice of history and I'm sure you could get more out of the TV series and books. However, if you're wanting to take the theatre route and get out and about for a few hours it's a nice entertaining show.
Rushing
One of the things that makes transition so much of a shock for a trans-persons friends and family is the speed at which things can happen. While the transformation is never fast, nor complete, enough for the one going through it the change can be striking and dramatic for outside observers.
There are some very obvious reasons for this. For a start there are the practical aspects; starting RLE (Real Life Experience) means that you can get the treatment you require (hormones not being allowed until you have lived full-time for 3 months in your 'new' gender). Legal requirements also go hand-in-hand with RLE, it's horrible to have to have ID and bank cards in the wrong name and to get those changed means you need a deed poll and appropriate letters from specialists.
Obviously there is also the affects of the floodgates being opened in terms of realising your true self/gender. Having spent so long in denial it is to be expected that there is a degree of catching-up-for-lost-time and moving as fast as is possible to change your image to match as closely as possible to the identity that you are beginning to realise.
All of these reasons are pretty easy to understand and appreciate, but there is something else that occurred to me yesterday as another day with my son came to an end and I had to say goodbye and watch him walk off with his mum. It's simply that you have to do things in a rush so that you don't stop and think about what you have lost or realise how much it hurts.
I think this must be how alot of parents, separated from their family, must feel and I suspect they deal with it in the same way; just try and get on with life. It may seem from the outside that it is a little uncaring to be trying to fill your life with so much else but it really is the only way to deal with things.
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Minor operation
My son had to go into hospital today for a relatively minor operation on his thumb and wrist, nothing serious (was under general anaesthetic though) but obviously still something I wanted to be present for and thankfully B agreed to that.
I should first say that my son was, from my point of view, extremely brave. I personally have a terrible fear of hospitals and the thought of needles, being put under anaesthetic and even the procedures themselves really fill me with dread. But I don't have any frame of reference on which to base this fear, I've only ever had one operation and that was to remove a mole, which was probably on the same scale as having a tooth out but much less painful and uncomfortable!
My son does have some memories of the last time he was in hospital when he was 4 years old and had scalded skin syndrome which was, in itself, very uncomfortable and painful for him and wasn't helped by the difficulty that they had in getting a cannula in him to administer the antibiotics. I was in hospital for several days and it was pretty traumatic for B and myself and I guess left a lasting impression on him too.
Anyway, he was amazingly brave in the face of all of this and the operation went well and he was in recovery in less than an hour. He was a little tearful and B lay with him on the trolley, but at one point he did reach out to me and gave me a big hug and that was one of the most moving things ever - just to feel that he really wanted me there for that moment brought tears to my eyes.
This is the longest time that B and I have spent together since splitting up last year, and I know that seeing me and having me around wasn't easy. I did thank her for allowing me to be there, though I'm not sure I can put into words how grateful I am.
I should first say that my son was, from my point of view, extremely brave. I personally have a terrible fear of hospitals and the thought of needles, being put under anaesthetic and even the procedures themselves really fill me with dread. But I don't have any frame of reference on which to base this fear, I've only ever had one operation and that was to remove a mole, which was probably on the same scale as having a tooth out but much less painful and uncomfortable!
My son does have some memories of the last time he was in hospital when he was 4 years old and had scalded skin syndrome which was, in itself, very uncomfortable and painful for him and wasn't helped by the difficulty that they had in getting a cannula in him to administer the antibiotics. I was in hospital for several days and it was pretty traumatic for B and myself and I guess left a lasting impression on him too.
Anyway, he was amazingly brave in the face of all of this and the operation went well and he was in recovery in less than an hour. He was a little tearful and B lay with him on the trolley, but at one point he did reach out to me and gave me a big hug and that was one of the most moving things ever - just to feel that he really wanted me there for that moment brought tears to my eyes.
This is the longest time that B and I have spent together since splitting up last year, and I know that seeing me and having me around wasn't easy. I did thank her for allowing me to be there, though I'm not sure I can put into words how grateful I am.
Sunday, 9 August 2009
Busy week
As I mentioned before, I have had a very busy week since returning from the holidays and it's probably worth a quick mention of everything that I've been up to in order to catch up:
Saturday was a totally lazy day when I didn't get out of PJs until well into the afternoon - I think I needed that wind down time but I got bored towards the end which was why Sunday had a little bit more activity in it.
- Met up for shopping and cakes (well Tiramasu) with a fab person from blog-land
- Continued that night out by having a a few drinks on Canal Street as well!
- Met up with for lunch an ex-work colleague, followed by
- Meeting with an out placement service (help me with CV etc)
- Having my son stay for another night after we saw G-Force at the cinema (it's silly but entertaining if you like that kind of thing)
- Playing football (badly - and not just letting him win) with my son in this lovely weather - really tired me out!
Saturday was a totally lazy day when I didn't get out of PJs until well into the afternoon - I think I needed that wind down time but I got bored towards the end which was why Sunday had a little bit more activity in it.
Legoland and Windsor
It's taken me a while to get around to posting further pictures and commentary on the holiday with my son as I've just been so busy! I'll cover this weeks activities in another post and for this one concentrate on the fun from the holiday.
We've done the Legoland trip a few times and we've managed to stay in the Marriott hotel in Slough each time which is good because of it's location and ease but also because I'm still clinging onto Gold status so get access to the executive lounge (didn't actually make any use of that this time but it's still nice to have). We also go with the same plan each time; head into Legoland to go to the shop on the day we arrive and then do a full day afterwards (saves the distraction of buying Lego getting in the way of enjoying the rides etc).
We had really nice weather for the Sunday we spent in Legoland and, armed with my son's camera (well his Mum's) I got a few snaps of some of the things you can see on the rides. I had to take a picture of the scarey Tarantula since my son is so fond of reminding me that I'm scared of spiders (and heights).
We didn't do that many rides and this one was fairly sedate but did at least show off the models that there are in the park. The Legoland Village is actually quite an impressive sight as well (no pictures this year, got plenty last time) and it still fascinates my son which I think is quite impressive considering he normally likes doing activities more akin to running around than looking at things.
One ride we did go on, having queued for some considerable time, was the log flume, better known as "Pirate Falls" at Legoland. It's years since I've been on one of these and I agreed simply as it was the lesser of many evils - as I mentioned above I'm scared of heights so what I can deal with it pretty limited when it comes to roller-coasters and such rides. I'm not bothered about getting soaked though and we did the Viking ride last time which actually was alot of fun.
I wish I could post the picture they took of us going down the Pirate Falls, it is an absolute classic. My son looks absolutely terrified but, if you look carefully you'll see that at least he is brave enough to have his eye's open, I couldn't even manage that! I was telling him, and myself, all the way up that we'd be find and just get a bit wet and that it wasn't really that high. Right up to the point that we started to tip over the edge ... and then I realised that I really am absolutely terrified of heights and just clamped my eye's shut! The txt from my son's Mum summed it up quite succinctly: "Wimp!".
The following day we headed into Windsor with plans to go on the big wheel there - you can guess that we didn't for the reasons mentioned above - and visit the Castle as my son wanted to see this and the soldiers. I suspect I looked like a bit of a tourist while we went round Windsor Castle, can't think why though.
Before coming down to Windsor my son had, rather perceptively, remarked that I "wouldn't pay for seeing the Castle". Not entirely sure how he picked up on that but I guess I haven't hidden the fact that it rather annoys me having to pay to see something that we (as British tax-payers) essentially own or at the very least contribute to the up-keep of. I think my far-from Royalist attitude comes from my Dad but I think I tend to take this view independantly as well.
However, a few things changed my mind about this. For one thing you can now get free admittance to the castle for a whole year for the price of the entrance fee which seems quite reasonable to me. Also they had opened the Moat Garden and that was frankly beautiful and amazing to see.
The other thing that really made feel the visit was worth the money, was my son's reaction to the inside of the castle. He was obviously taken by the armour, guns, swords and other things that I guess boys will always be intrigued by but he was also fascinated by the coat of arms on the ceilings of one of the halls and we spent a good 10minutes trying to look for our favourite ones. He spotted some really interesting ones and it really was amazing to see him totally interested in something completely unlike the usual things.
Before we had gone in the castle and taken the bus tour (see previous post for the affect on my hair of that little trip), he'd been feeding the Swans on the Thames and I got some lovely pictures of him and them. I particularly liked this one:
I really can't put into words how much fun it was to have a holiday, even such a brief one, with my son. I simply can't describe how proud I was of him or how much it meant for me to be walking around holding his hand and having him chattering away and being such a smart, intelligent, funny, interesting, kid. There are just no words to describe how FAB he is!
We've done the Legoland trip a few times and we've managed to stay in the Marriott hotel in Slough each time which is good because of it's location and ease but also because I'm still clinging onto Gold status so get access to the executive lounge (didn't actually make any use of that this time but it's still nice to have). We also go with the same plan each time; head into Legoland to go to the shop on the day we arrive and then do a full day afterwards (saves the distraction of buying Lego getting in the way of enjoying the rides etc).
We had really nice weather for the Sunday we spent in Legoland and, armed with my son's camera (well his Mum's) I got a few snaps of some of the things you can see on the rides. I had to take a picture of the scarey Tarantula since my son is so fond of reminding me that I'm scared of spiders (and heights).
We didn't do that many rides and this one was fairly sedate but did at least show off the models that there are in the park. The Legoland Village is actually quite an impressive sight as well (no pictures this year, got plenty last time) and it still fascinates my son which I think is quite impressive considering he normally likes doing activities more akin to running around than looking at things.
One ride we did go on, having queued for some considerable time, was the log flume, better known as "Pirate Falls" at Legoland. It's years since I've been on one of these and I agreed simply as it was the lesser of many evils - as I mentioned above I'm scared of heights so what I can deal with it pretty limited when it comes to roller-coasters and such rides. I'm not bothered about getting soaked though and we did the Viking ride last time which actually was alot of fun.
I wish I could post the picture they took of us going down the Pirate Falls, it is an absolute classic. My son looks absolutely terrified but, if you look carefully you'll see that at least he is brave enough to have his eye's open, I couldn't even manage that! I was telling him, and myself, all the way up that we'd be find and just get a bit wet and that it wasn't really that high. Right up to the point that we started to tip over the edge ... and then I realised that I really am absolutely terrified of heights and just clamped my eye's shut! The txt from my son's Mum summed it up quite succinctly: "Wimp!".
The following day we headed into Windsor with plans to go on the big wheel there - you can guess that we didn't for the reasons mentioned above - and visit the Castle as my son wanted to see this and the soldiers. I suspect I looked like a bit of a tourist while we went round Windsor Castle, can't think why though.
Before coming down to Windsor my son had, rather perceptively, remarked that I "wouldn't pay for seeing the Castle". Not entirely sure how he picked up on that but I guess I haven't hidden the fact that it rather annoys me having to pay to see something that we (as British tax-payers) essentially own or at the very least contribute to the up-keep of. I think my far-from Royalist attitude comes from my Dad but I think I tend to take this view independantly as well.
However, a few things changed my mind about this. For one thing you can now get free admittance to the castle for a whole year for the price of the entrance fee which seems quite reasonable to me. Also they had opened the Moat Garden and that was frankly beautiful and amazing to see.
The other thing that really made feel the visit was worth the money, was my son's reaction to the inside of the castle. He was obviously taken by the armour, guns, swords and other things that I guess boys will always be intrigued by but he was also fascinated by the coat of arms on the ceilings of one of the halls and we spent a good 10minutes trying to look for our favourite ones. He spotted some really interesting ones and it really was amazing to see him totally interested in something completely unlike the usual things.
Before we had gone in the castle and taken the bus tour (see previous post for the affect on my hair of that little trip), he'd been feeding the Swans on the Thames and I got some lovely pictures of him and them. I particularly liked this one:
I really can't put into words how much fun it was to have a holiday, even such a brief one, with my son. I simply can't describe how proud I was of him or how much it meant for me to be walking around holding his hand and having him chattering away and being such a smart, intelligent, funny, interesting, kid. There are just no words to describe how FAB he is!
Sunday, 12 July 2009
Holding back the tears
I saw my son on Friday night (went to the cinema to see Ice Age 3 and then onto McDonalds as a treat for him swimming 70m earlier in the week - so proud of him), then for a few hours on Saturday morning after which he had a party to go to so the plan was for him to come over again today.
Yesterday evening B phoned and said my son wanted to speak to me, he came on the phone and said he wouldn't be coming over today. I asked him if he was tired because I didn't want him to feel that I was upset or put undue pressure on him. I said it was fine and that if he changed his mind he could come over anyway.
Seems he had been a little upset after seeing me and was a bit tearful. Some of it could just be tiredness, getting to the end of term, excitement at things he's going to be doing soon and simply the fact that his house and the friends round it are way more interesting than what I can offer him here, my flat is never going to come close in that respect.
There is another reason and that is that he was upset by me. B had already told me that he'd said to her that he preferred seeing me in less feminine clothes and appearance, for example he liked it when we did the cycling as I obviously had no make-up on and looked like I always did before when I use to take him to school or go out on the bikes.
Yesterday he said the same thing to me directly as well. He was also staring at my chest at one point, obviously trying to work out why it looked the way it does (was particularly noticeable given the top I was wearing). We also had a brief conversation about 'moobs' and 'boobs' - I said I had the latter, he said that the former were what boys got when they had muscles.
Overall he's obviously been doing some thinking about this and it is upsetting him. So because of all this I said it was fine, I didn't mind not seeing him. I said the same to my friends, that it wasn't unexpected, it wasn't anyone's fault (he'd definitely NOT been pushed into this by his Mum or affected by her, this was his decision) and I just resigned myself to the fact and didn't think it had greatly upset me, obviously disappointed but it's one of those things.
Got back this morning around 3am and sat and watched a bit of a film while I had supper, it got to a sad bit and my eyes started to fill with tears, so I turned the film of, but I still kept crying and sobbing and it was obvious it wasn't about what I was watching. I thought I'd done so well keeping my feelings under control but clearly it couldn't last forever and I must have just snapped all the emotion came flooding out. Looking back I think I was dwelling on my son all night, thinking about him in the back of my mind.
So it seems my son isn't dealing with things as well as I'd (naively) hoped and in fact my transition is upsetting him a great deal. I really and truly never wanted to hurt him or anyone else because of this, but it looks like I must add him to the list of those that I have.
Yesterday evening B phoned and said my son wanted to speak to me, he came on the phone and said he wouldn't be coming over today. I asked him if he was tired because I didn't want him to feel that I was upset or put undue pressure on him. I said it was fine and that if he changed his mind he could come over anyway.
Seems he had been a little upset after seeing me and was a bit tearful. Some of it could just be tiredness, getting to the end of term, excitement at things he's going to be doing soon and simply the fact that his house and the friends round it are way more interesting than what I can offer him here, my flat is never going to come close in that respect.
There is another reason and that is that he was upset by me. B had already told me that he'd said to her that he preferred seeing me in less feminine clothes and appearance, for example he liked it when we did the cycling as I obviously had no make-up on and looked like I always did before when I use to take him to school or go out on the bikes.
Yesterday he said the same thing to me directly as well. He was also staring at my chest at one point, obviously trying to work out why it looked the way it does (was particularly noticeable given the top I was wearing). We also had a brief conversation about 'moobs' and 'boobs' - I said I had the latter, he said that the former were what boys got when they had muscles.
Overall he's obviously been doing some thinking about this and it is upsetting him. So because of all this I said it was fine, I didn't mind not seeing him. I said the same to my friends, that it wasn't unexpected, it wasn't anyone's fault (he'd definitely NOT been pushed into this by his Mum or affected by her, this was his decision) and I just resigned myself to the fact and didn't think it had greatly upset me, obviously disappointed but it's one of those things.
Got back this morning around 3am and sat and watched a bit of a film while I had supper, it got to a sad bit and my eyes started to fill with tears, so I turned the film of, but I still kept crying and sobbing and it was obvious it wasn't about what I was watching. I thought I'd done so well keeping my feelings under control but clearly it couldn't last forever and I must have just snapped all the emotion came flooding out. Looking back I think I was dwelling on my son all night, thinking about him in the back of my mind.
So it seems my son isn't dealing with things as well as I'd (naively) hoped and in fact my transition is upsetting him a great deal. I really and truly never wanted to hurt him or anyone else because of this, but it looks like I must add him to the list of those that I have.
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Day in the Lakes
Playing catch-up with the blog again, one of these days I will become more organised! Anyway, I'll cover all the fun things from the past few weeks or so and then see if I can bring it back up to date. The first thing to mention is a day in the Lake District with my son.
The bank holiday was really quite nice and I'd decided that we should take a trip into the Lakes on the Sunday. We drove up to Haverthwaite first where we could take the steam train up to Lakeside and then onto the boat across to Bowness (the picture above actually shows Bowness and the Bellsfield hotel where we had lunch).
It was a really nice day though probably could have done with getting set off earlier as we really didn't have enough time in Bowness, really just enough for lunch and for my son to play at rolling down the little hill on front of the Belsfield Hotel. I got some great pictures of him looking grumpt at the top of the hill when I told him he couldn't do that (since I wouldn't be able to see where he was), and some even better ones when I did say he could roll down!
Overall a fab day! Got lots of fresh air, nice time on the train boat, sunburn (me only which is good), and alot of fun. Also my son seems to be dealing fine with me not looking like a 'Dad' and, while I'm sure I might be getting odd looks, I have no intention of stopping him referring to me as "Dad"/"Daddy" as that's what I am.
I should also say that my son is very well behaved and, while I'll take some credit for this B is certainly responsible for still keeping him in check and bringing him up properly in what is, for her at least, a very, very awkward situation.
I'm certainly very proud of how well-behaved he is and also how considerate he can be, for example he was happy to share his toys with a younger child on the train even though this little boy did monopolize things a bit (which my son did at the same age as well, so not a bad thing). No tantrums from my son about this though and he chatted to the parents of the little boy quite happily.
Looking forward to more days out over summer!
The bank holiday was really quite nice and I'd decided that we should take a trip into the Lakes on the Sunday. We drove up to Haverthwaite first where we could take the steam train up to Lakeside and then onto the boat across to Bowness (the picture above actually shows Bowness and the Bellsfield hotel where we had lunch).
It was a really nice day though probably could have done with getting set off earlier as we really didn't have enough time in Bowness, really just enough for lunch and for my son to play at rolling down the little hill on front of the Belsfield Hotel. I got some great pictures of him looking grumpt at the top of the hill when I told him he couldn't do that (since I wouldn't be able to see where he was), and some even better ones when I did say he could roll down!
Overall a fab day! Got lots of fresh air, nice time on the train boat, sunburn (me only which is good), and alot of fun. Also my son seems to be dealing fine with me not looking like a 'Dad' and, while I'm sure I might be getting odd looks, I have no intention of stopping him referring to me as "Dad"/"Daddy" as that's what I am.
I should also say that my son is very well behaved and, while I'll take some credit for this B is certainly responsible for still keeping him in check and bringing him up properly in what is, for her at least, a very, very awkward situation.
I'm certainly very proud of how well-behaved he is and also how considerate he can be, for example he was happy to share his toys with a younger child on the train even though this little boy did monopolize things a bit (which my son did at the same age as well, so not a bad thing). No tantrums from my son about this though and he chatted to the parents of the little boy quite happily.
Looking forward to more days out over summer!
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
Lot less bother with a Hover(craft)
I'm really behind with all the blog stuff, I promise I will try and catch up!
Anyway, a few weekends ago my son and I went to see some hovercraft racing! A friend of mine from my home town has been into hovercraft for as long as I can remember and is often racing near where I live. We haven't been in touch for a while, I think the last conversation was probably around the same time last year when B and I were separating, so I obviously had to explain the recent, erm, changes.
Thankfully that conversation went very well, and I think myself very lucky again to have such understanding and supportive friends.
So, the hovercraft racing: it was FAB! In all the time I've known my friend I have never once seen him racing or the hovercraft he's built.
It was a fantastic day out - got to take LOTS of pictures of the hovercraft, even got some good ones where there were bumps or the hovercraft tipped up in the wind. Got some really good pics of my son and my friends kids playing on the hovercraft and with bubbles! I think that is definitely a case of "one extreme to another" - several thousand pounds of hovercraft we only as entertaining as 30p's worth of bubbles!
Now, just need to actually have a go on a hovercraft at some point! lol
Anyway, a few weekends ago my son and I went to see some hovercraft racing! A friend of mine from my home town has been into hovercraft for as long as I can remember and is often racing near where I live. We haven't been in touch for a while, I think the last conversation was probably around the same time last year when B and I were separating, so I obviously had to explain the recent, erm, changes.
Thankfully that conversation went very well, and I think myself very lucky again to have such understanding and supportive friends.
So, the hovercraft racing: it was FAB! In all the time I've known my friend I have never once seen him racing or the hovercraft he's built.
It was a fantastic day out - got to take LOTS of pictures of the hovercraft, even got some good ones where there were bumps or the hovercraft tipped up in the wind. Got some really good pics of my son and my friends kids playing on the hovercraft and with bubbles! I think that is definitely a case of "one extreme to another" - several thousand pounds of hovercraft we only as entertaining as 30p's worth of bubbles!
Now, just need to actually have a go on a hovercraft at some point! lol
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
Legoland!
This was the event of the year, something I had been looking forward to for a while and which turned out to be just as fun and more than I expected. In some ways it was a suggestion from B that I have my son for my Birthday weekend and do something fun, in this case it was decided by all concerned that Legoland qualified as LOTS of fun!
(I did actually get better pictures than this but I don't like the idea of putting up pics of my son on such a public page).
We drove down to Windsor on the Friday morning, actually manged to set off at a reasonable hour and only stopped once (due to too many delays and needing the loo). Didn't even stop for lunch as by the time we got onto the M40 (where I'd said we'd stop) my son was asleeep (awww bless) so I just carried on going - gobbled a little bit of lunch when we got to the hotel room.
Over to Legoland on the Friday for the last few hours of the park being open - it's great just being able to wander in like this when you have those annual passes! All we really did was have a little look around and visit the shop! My son was being very good about what Lego to buy - we'd said it had to be a normal kit so he could build different things and, after a few tears, he agreed to that and a little Power Miners one as well (he was sooo good on the way down he deserved it).
Went back and hd some tea and played with the Lego and then straight to bed. Up early in the morning, quick snack for breakfast and then into the park first thing and onto the ride we'd *really* wanted to go on which was the Viking one - basically where you get soaks by water; thankfully it was a warm and dry day and the wet clothes were soon back to normal!
Also went on the fire engines ride which involved my pumping handles up and down to a) move the fire engine from start to the house, b) spray water at the house, c) move back to the start! I was shattered!
We had a little more of a wander round - my son really likes the model village still and is fascinated by the boats, trains, and cars that all move around. And then went over to watch the show at the pool, "Johnny Thunder and the Aztec Queen" - seen it before but he still likes it! One of the helpers there came over and asked if my son wanted to help with playing the drums (they have a few kids do this before the main show, it's kinda cute and the children obviously love it). I was a bit nervous, really don't like not having my son within my sight (it's a paranoid parent thing), but he really enjoyed it and kept mentioning it! Also he was happy when the people in the show all walked past where we were sitting so he got to say hello and high-five them!
After another trip to the Lego shop (well he had been soooo good again, and it was his money to spend) we headed into Windsor where I had a brief little shop (got a fab jacket in the Phase Eight sale - spent my birthday money), had a ride on a boat (saw an Otter), and had McDonalds for tea. Back to the hotel for an early night - both of us were very tired.
Had a nice breakfast in the morning and a clear run all the way back home. Another fab weekend which I really didn't want to end.
(I did actually get better pictures than this but I don't like the idea of putting up pics of my son on such a public page).
We drove down to Windsor on the Friday morning, actually manged to set off at a reasonable hour and only stopped once (due to too many delays and needing the loo). Didn't even stop for lunch as by the time we got onto the M40 (where I'd said we'd stop) my son was asleeep (awww bless) so I just carried on going - gobbled a little bit of lunch when we got to the hotel room.
Over to Legoland on the Friday for the last few hours of the park being open - it's great just being able to wander in like this when you have those annual passes! All we really did was have a little look around and visit the shop! My son was being very good about what Lego to buy - we'd said it had to be a normal kit so he could build different things and, after a few tears, he agreed to that and a little Power Miners one as well (he was sooo good on the way down he deserved it).
Went back and hd some tea and played with the Lego and then straight to bed. Up early in the morning, quick snack for breakfast and then into the park first thing and onto the ride we'd *really* wanted to go on which was the Viking one - basically where you get soaks by water; thankfully it was a warm and dry day and the wet clothes were soon back to normal!
Also went on the fire engines ride which involved my pumping handles up and down to a) move the fire engine from start to the house, b) spray water at the house, c) move back to the start! I was shattered!
We had a little more of a wander round - my son really likes the model village still and is fascinated by the boats, trains, and cars that all move around. And then went over to watch the show at the pool, "Johnny Thunder and the Aztec Queen" - seen it before but he still likes it! One of the helpers there came over and asked if my son wanted to help with playing the drums (they have a few kids do this before the main show, it's kinda cute and the children obviously love it). I was a bit nervous, really don't like not having my son within my sight (it's a paranoid parent thing), but he really enjoyed it and kept mentioning it! Also he was happy when the people in the show all walked past where we were sitting so he got to say hello and high-five them!
After another trip to the Lego shop (well he had been soooo good again, and it was his money to spend) we headed into Windsor where I had a brief little shop (got a fab jacket in the Phase Eight sale - spent my birthday money), had a ride on a boat (saw an Otter), and had McDonalds for tea. Back to the hotel for an early night - both of us were very tired.
Had a nice breakfast in the morning and a clear run all the way back home. Another fab weekend which I really didn't want to end.
Monday, 6 April 2009
What a difference a day makes ...
... or maybe a few days, and a fantastic weekend. Another appropriate aphorism would be "it is always darkest before the dawn". Essentially last week was horrible, not a pleasant time at all, but thankfully, things did get much better and the last few days have been amazing.
Last week was bad for several reasons; lack of access to my son, feeling down that I couldn't see my family, severe lack of money (my credit card debts having finally caught up with me), extra cost for my car repairs (every day seemed to bring more things that required fixing), and just generally lack of confidence and happiness in my life.
I guess the first thing to change was that my parents offered to help with covering the cost of the car repairs. That meant so much and was obviously a great load off my mind. While I don't use my car alot I do need it every now and then and there is no way I could afford to get another one and really didn't want to given that there was nothing really wrong with this one; everything that it needed was servicing/wear and tear, no actual faults.
Lucy had also said she was going to come up for the weekend to cheer me up and that was definitely something good to look forward to! So as the end of the week approached I was feeling a little more positive.
Then B phoned on Saturday morning saying my son wanted to come over in the afternoon and play a computer game I'd just got for him! It was actually my son that I spoke to (really hard to understand on the phone, bless him) which was fab! It was so good to see him and be able to spend some time with him and just be a parent.
Ironically, when he noticed the stars I'd put on the ceiling (more about that another time) and that Lucy was coming over (he's not met her but is nevertheless excited at meeting anyone new) he then wanted to stay over! After all the troubles of him being concerned about sleeping over places he seemed to be actively asking to do that! Kids!
Anyway, after that, Lucy, wine, trip to Tatton Park (again, more on that later), lots of chatting and just having my BFF (Best Friend Forever in case anyone is unclear on the acronym) I feel better and ready to face the week even if the good mood doesn't last that long!
Last week was bad for several reasons; lack of access to my son, feeling down that I couldn't see my family, severe lack of money (my credit card debts having finally caught up with me), extra cost for my car repairs (every day seemed to bring more things that required fixing), and just generally lack of confidence and happiness in my life.
I guess the first thing to change was that my parents offered to help with covering the cost of the car repairs. That meant so much and was obviously a great load off my mind. While I don't use my car alot I do need it every now and then and there is no way I could afford to get another one and really didn't want to given that there was nothing really wrong with this one; everything that it needed was servicing/wear and tear, no actual faults.
Lucy had also said she was going to come up for the weekend to cheer me up and that was definitely something good to look forward to! So as the end of the week approached I was feeling a little more positive.
Then B phoned on Saturday morning saying my son wanted to come over in the afternoon and play a computer game I'd just got for him! It was actually my son that I spoke to (really hard to understand on the phone, bless him) which was fab! It was so good to see him and be able to spend some time with him and just be a parent.
Ironically, when he noticed the stars I'd put on the ceiling (more about that another time) and that Lucy was coming over (he's not met her but is nevertheless excited at meeting anyone new) he then wanted to stay over! After all the troubles of him being concerned about sleeping over places he seemed to be actively asking to do that! Kids!
Anyway, after that, Lucy, wine, trip to Tatton Park (again, more on that later), lots of chatting and just having my BFF (Best Friend Forever in case anyone is unclear on the acronym) I feel better and ready to face the week even if the good mood doesn't last that long!
Sunday, 29 March 2009
Access
This isn't a big rant or problem but a thought just occurred to me that I thought I should share. I'll qualify it by saying that, in fairness, in any split, parents do try and do what they feel is best for their kids and, as I've mentioned previously, there may be some disagreement as to what is the right approach, and this is particularly pronounced, unfortunately when it comes to seperations involving a transgendered partner.
What did strike me is that I can't just see my son. I know I use to travel alot and didn't get to see him for long periods of time but I guess there wasn't a problem because I knew, if I really wanted to I could kick up a fuss and just go back home.
Now I find myself, on a lovely bright, spring (well nearly) day and I can't just decide "lets go out on the bikes", he's just not there, or I'm not there to be more precise to just do things like that. Everything has to be organised and agreed.
I don't think anyone realises just what a priviledge it is to have their child there all the time, or if they do, what it must feel like to have that taken away. Hmmm, I think sometimes it's best not to realise what you have lost, it hurts less that way.
What did strike me is that I can't just see my son. I know I use to travel alot and didn't get to see him for long periods of time but I guess there wasn't a problem because I knew, if I really wanted to I could kick up a fuss and just go back home.
Now I find myself, on a lovely bright, spring (well nearly) day and I can't just decide "lets go out on the bikes", he's just not there, or I'm not there to be more precise to just do things like that. Everything has to be organised and agreed.
I don't think anyone realises just what a priviledge it is to have their child there all the time, or if they do, what it must feel like to have that taken away. Hmmm, I think sometimes it's best not to realise what you have lost, it hurts less that way.
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
Seeing my son ...
... or not at the moment.
There have been lots of ups and downs this week but mainly downs unfortunately. It started when B suggested that I bring our son back from Legoland a day earlier so that he had time to calm down before going back to school the next week. This conversation got a little nasty as I got blamed for being the reason he is so upset and not able to sleep over at friends and generally being quite and unhappy.
Things got much worse when I had another call from B saying that I couldn't see my son this weekend as planned. The reason given is that he is very upset after seeing me for a weekend and overall has been quite and withdrawn and this, according to B is because of the transition that I am going through and how I am presenting to my son, i.e. in female clothes, make-up etc.
I can't deny that how I look and act is probably quite confusing for him but I'm not trying to hide anything from him and always attempt to answer any questions he has as honestly as possible. But I've still not had the long, complicated talk about "daddy is becoming a woman" because I don't think he can understand that properly. I do play as Princess Leia in Star Wars on the Wii though!
I was going to rant on some more about all of this but I've kind of run out of things to say and have had my thoughts derailed further (if that's possible) by a conversation with B just now which was alot more amicable and understanding on both sides. Sorted out the trip to Legoland and hopefully made some progress on other issues as well.
I feel alot happier now and back to my usual naive optimism that it will all work itself out nicely in the end. This is probably just not realistic but I can't let go of the hope that it could happen.
There have been lots of ups and downs this week but mainly downs unfortunately. It started when B suggested that I bring our son back from Legoland a day earlier so that he had time to calm down before going back to school the next week. This conversation got a little nasty as I got blamed for being the reason he is so upset and not able to sleep over at friends and generally being quite and unhappy.
Things got much worse when I had another call from B saying that I couldn't see my son this weekend as planned. The reason given is that he is very upset after seeing me for a weekend and overall has been quite and withdrawn and this, according to B is because of the transition that I am going through and how I am presenting to my son, i.e. in female clothes, make-up etc.
I can't deny that how I look and act is probably quite confusing for him but I'm not trying to hide anything from him and always attempt to answer any questions he has as honestly as possible. But I've still not had the long, complicated talk about "daddy is becoming a woman" because I don't think he can understand that properly. I do play as Princess Leia in Star Wars on the Wii though!
I was going to rant on some more about all of this but I've kind of run out of things to say and have had my thoughts derailed further (if that's possible) by a conversation with B just now which was alot more amicable and understanding on both sides. Sorted out the trip to Legoland and hopefully made some progress on other issues as well.
I feel alot happier now and back to my usual naive optimism that it will all work itself out nicely in the end. This is probably just not realistic but I can't let go of the hope that it could happen.
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Bike Delivery!
I guess I've always been a little odd and unconventional, maybe not in an extreme dye-your-hair-bright-orange but in maybe more subtle ways I've always stood out a bit and seemed a little different.
A minor example of this was when I use to take my son to school on the bike (him in a trailer behind) which kind of made me (and him) stand out a little!
Anyway, I just had another one of those little moments this morning as I had to return my son's bike which he'd been on over the weekend but had left it to be picked up later in the week. Since it's nice weather at the moment B thought he could do with it now. Since I was cycling into work I therefore had to tow the bike (with the Trail Gator I've mentioned before) over to the house.
I must have looked a bit of a strange site with a bright red childs bike behind me, without a child sat in the seat. I kept expecting someone to shout and tell me I'd lost my passenger ... but it was 6am in the morning so not many people around to notice!
It was very strange seeing the house again. And quite emotional. Wish I could have popped in to say hello to my son really, or just spent some time there.
One thing that I was worried about was seeing any of the neighbours since I thought that might be a little awkward. I thought I'd got away with it until I cycled off the estate and spotted one the next-door neighbours walking his dogs along the cycle path towards me - I quickly got off the pavement and passed him on the opposite side of the road. I think he did see me and I probably gave a weak smile back.
So, an interesting morning!
A minor example of this was when I use to take my son to school on the bike (him in a trailer behind) which kind of made me (and him) stand out a little!
Anyway, I just had another one of those little moments this morning as I had to return my son's bike which he'd been on over the weekend but had left it to be picked up later in the week. Since it's nice weather at the moment B thought he could do with it now. Since I was cycling into work I therefore had to tow the bike (with the Trail Gator I've mentioned before) over to the house.
I must have looked a bit of a strange site with a bright red childs bike behind me, without a child sat in the seat. I kept expecting someone to shout and tell me I'd lost my passenger ... but it was 6am in the morning so not many people around to notice!
It was very strange seeing the house again. And quite emotional. Wish I could have popped in to say hello to my son really, or just spent some time there.
One thing that I was worried about was seeing any of the neighbours since I thought that might be a little awkward. I thought I'd got away with it until I cycled off the estate and spotted one the next-door neighbours walking his dogs along the cycle path towards me - I quickly got off the pavement and passed him on the opposite side of the road. I think he did see me and I probably gave a weak smile back.
So, an interesting morning!
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