Medieval Plays

At the beginning of December I had a trip down to London to meet up with friends for pre-Christmas shopping and this also gave me an opportunity to go and see the production of two medieval plays by HIDden Theatre at the British Museum.

The plays were produced by Trinacria Productions which was setup by two of my fantastic friends and I really wanted to go along to provide my support as well as seeing the plays themselves. I was very lucky to actually end up getting involved by photographing the rehearsals and ultimately the performances of the plays which meant I obviously got to watch them as well.

It was fantastic to be involved, even in such a small way and I'm really grateful to everyone involved for that. I've uploaded the photos I took from the rehearsals and performances to my website.

On a technical note: almost all of these photos were taken on my Canon 5D mk II at ISO 3200 (some of the rehearsal ones I managed at 1600, several of the performance ones as high as 6400) without the aid of a flash! While the pictures did have a significant amount of noise it was still quite impressive how well they have come out in the end - the choice of camera/software clearly helped an awful lot with this.

London by Night and Day

It's taken me a while to get round to updating my blog and I'm trying to catch up with all the pictures I've taken. Eventually I hope to get something setup on my own website where I can host the galleries of images properly but until then I'll just post the (hopefully) best of the pictures here.

While I was down in London with work I was lucky enough to end up in a room on the 11th floor of the Danubius hotel which gave me amazing views over the city - I have no idea what I was looking at but it was impressive nonetheless.
What I don't like about this picture (and the next one) is that they aren't quite pin-sharp. If you zoom in on this image you will see pixelation which is only to be expected on the JPEG version, however it's still a little blurry on the RAW one as well. I'm told that there isn't much I can do about this given the length of exposure, zoom, position, lighting etc but I really want to try and get clearer shots. I think this is a huge problem with more practice (and expensive lenses); you start to expect the same clarity all the time!

This one took a bit of tweaking to get the colours right. After some research (Google and DP Review) it seems that white balance on Canon cameras is a known problem. In natural light they are fine but incandescent and fluorescent lighting mucks things up - I guess the same will apply to dawn. I'm told that a shot like this may have been better captured with a 10-22mm lens though I'm a little reluctant to invest in one of those as, for a start it's £600 (£669 from Jessops and £625 from Amazon) and also it can really distort the image if you don't know what you are doing with it!

More practising at pictures I think ... and presumably more staying in really tall hotels!

Abused, Angry and Upset

Have you ever been so angry or upset that you really wanted to hurt someone, wanting to make see them experience as much pain as they have made you feel? I have had only very few comments from idiotic and stupid people concerning my being trans and certainly never come across any such vile, base, and chauvinistic men as I encountered last night. I was left so upset and angry that I stated that such men should be dead.

We had decided to go for one last drink after a really fabulous afternoon and evening out to celebrate a friends birthday. We went to a fairly trendy-looking bar in London's China Town and managed to get a seat right at the back of the place, there were a group of guys there who seemed to be rather loud and probably drunk but I didn't think much of it and went to the toilet.

When I returned, Rachel had got the drinks and was carrying them back to the table and the the gang or guys seemed to be rather excitable and were making quite alot of comments along the lines of "get 'em out!" and other puerile chants. I should probably say that Rachel was wearing a very clingy dress, and a fedora hat and looked very glam, stylish, and frankly quite sexy. I'd gone for a shortish silver dress (more like a tunic), black tights and red shoes. Yes, we were quite 'over-dressed' but that was the theme of the day out.

Anyway, I guess, looking back on this, that the guys must have been chanting/whooping and maybe passing comments about Rachel while I was away so when she turned to me and said "Kiss me" I assumed it was to point out, in no uncertain terms, that we were a couple and not interested in the guys. Looking back that doesn't seem like it was such a good idea now as that just made them more excitable while we had a rather passionate kiss. It really didn't register as a problem at the time and we just smiled and sat down to have our drinks.

At this point one of the group sat down right next to me, uncomfortably close. I could see him in the mirror opposite and he was looking away from us but something in his body language told me that he'd sat there purposefully, it wasn't just because of lack of seating. I think a few of my friends noticed this and moved round so I could shift along. The guy then shifted along even closer.

I felt very uncomfortable, and was worried what he was going to do or say. I tightened the grip on my purse and pulled by coat closer on my lap, I felt like I was being bullied and harassed and it made me really angry to be made to feel like that. I'm not sure I can describe how horrible that is, though I'm pretty sure most women have experienced that at some point in their lives; a man who thinks he has the right to invade personal space, to show no respect, and to assume that what they intend to do, whether it's to talk, touch, or kiss (or worse) it is something they are entitled to do.

I really should have felt scared I guess but I was just really angry at being bullied and harassed in this way and it got to the point pretty quickly where I just felt so annoyed that I turned round to this guy and basically threatened to "knee him so hard, that he wouldn't be able to have children, if he didn't go away". The term "rash" doesn't really cover it in hindsight, I really should have either being more polite or just moved away.

Worse was to come, the guy just turned back to me and said "You're a guy!", to which I obviously responded that I was a woman and might have even mumbled "trans" in there somewhere but the damage was already done and he seemed to take great delight in going round his mates and telling them this. There were shouts of "hit him" and I'm not sure whether they were directed at me or him but at that point we decided to move so as not to find out. I was still really angry, in fact maybe more so and I tried to tell one of the bar staff who was just collecting glasses that the guys were harassing us and he said he'd sort out out but we just moved away instead.

We sat nearer the door where it was quite light and spacious and at one point Rachel got up to dance and I really would have loved to have got up with her; I did try but I had just had such a huge hole blown in my confidence that I had to sit down again. I felt horrible; angry at the way I was treated, wanting to inflict the same hurt or worse on the guy concerned, and upset at myself for how badly I'd handled things and for the comments I'd made. I'm sure any woman in the same position would have felt bad at resorting to saying such things, it's not how you want to behave, but it made me feel doubly worse I guess as I'd almost descended to a 'male' level.

I managed to hold the tears back until we got into our room at the hotel but eventually ended up crying my eyes out as Rachel hugged and tried to console me. Went to bed after that and thankfully fell asleep pretty quickly even with all of this going through my head. Having updated twitter last night I wanted to get everything written in the blog this morning so it was out of my head. I think the strangeness of how social-networking helps I deal with my problems is worthy of it's own post later on!

How do I feel now? Well, better for writing it all down, it does seem like I can forget about it now, secure in the knowledge that the experience is captured here. It's a nice day outside and hopefully we're all going to have a nice time exploring parts of London and I can push all of this to the back of my mind and not think about it.

Christmas is Coming

I was down in London last week with work and, following a nice meal out with the team and rather too much alcohol I decided to have a try and taking some pictures of the lights on Oxford Street, not entirely successfully I might add!

I think this is probably the best shot I got but I could blame the lack of sobriety, preparation, and organisation. Next time we are likely to be staying a little closer to Oxford Street so, hopefully, I'll have a better opportunity to take some good pictures and will also prepare a little more in terms of equipment etc.

It's also worth noting that the trip down to London marked four weeks with the company and, writing this now I've just past the one month mark. I have to say that the time has flown by and it's been really enjoyable! Certainly it's challenging but I seem to be having fun, long may this continue!

Deviant

Thankfully this is Deviant as in the site DeviantART which I've wandered across before but really got to use a bit more since going out with Rachel as it's where a vast number of the photographs by and of her are.

For those that don't know, the site is for sharing art works and is, for basic service, entirely free and you can upload an unlimited number of items at the present time though of course it's only one at a time and no bulk submit unless you pay which seems fair enough. However, even the basic service seems much better than that provided by Flickr or Picassa.

So far I've only got a few of the shots from London, and these are available at: http://fionasboots.deviantart.com/

It has occurred to me that I have a rather public online presence, what with this blog, pictures on sites like DeviantART, LinkedIN, FaceBook (though that is partially restrited in what can be seen/read). I'm not entirely sure whether this is good or bad or if it really matters much at all. I do feel that be being open and honest seems a better approach than trying to hide away or be secretive about my life. I think this is something to mention further with the recent spate of stories in the news about transsexualism and children, worth covering in a seperate post.

Magical place

Now, if I had been more organised there would be a fantastic picture of Canary Wharf at night to illustrate this blog post (update: I've added it now!). I did take some pictures and I might be lucky and have got some good ones (Rachel would definitely have done a good job and I wish she had have been here) but what I don't have is the cable to transfer them from camera to computer! D'OH! Will update this when I do!

As you may have guessed, I was down in London (again), for another interview and this time I decided to make the most of the trip and stay the night so as not to have to rush back and also to enjoy a day out afterwards.

The interviewing started at around 5:30pm and I didn't get out until going on 8pm, by which time it was already dark and everything was lit up and looked just amazing (I was searching for a suitable simile but none came to me). I stood in one of the squares and just looked around at all the lights and really was quite taken with it. I know by day is maybe doesn't look as attractive (particularly when working away busily in one of the offices), but really, at night you should stop and just look at how magical it looks.

I actually ended up standing there for about an hour talking on the phone to friends about how the interview had gone and telling them all how wonderful it looked here and what a dream come true it would be to actually manage to get a job here (in case you are curious, the interview seemed to go okay and I certainly tried my best so can only wait and see now).

I finally got back to the hotel, did a quick change out of the interview suit and into comfy trainers and set off armed with camera and tripod for a walk. I hope the pictures I took do look good when finally processed, they seem okay from the viewing of them on the tiny screen on the camera but I know that can be misleading. There are one or two that will, if processed correctly look fantastic I think (hope).

I actually lost track of time and spent about 2hrs wandering around and snapping and it was thoroughly enjoyable. I did get stopped twice, first but a guy in a suit who warned me that I might need permission to take pictures and the second time by a policeman who said that using a tripod required a permit "because they think you are a professional". I explained that I was far from professional and he, very kindly, said "I haven't seen you".

[ I'm going to look into this issue, I've read and been told before that standing on public highways/paths means you can take any pictures you like and no-one can stop you. The permit for a tripod thing kind of makes sense but really seems unenforceable, particularly with the number of tourists from far flung countries, laden with high tech camera equipment. ]

I finally started to head back around 11:30pm and felt a bit hungry and in need of, I'm ashamed to admit, a McDonalds. This was probably helped by the large subliminal message on the place stating that it was open until 2am. However, what I hadn't absorbed from this subtle signage was that it was the drive through open until that point. I kind of wondered what to do when I saw a guy walk up to the drive-through and place his order. So I did the same. It was a very surreal experience queuing with a few cars to collect our food!

Overall a very fun, and hopefully productive day. Looking outside now the weather seems fantastic so I'm hoping to have a nice day exploring bits of London and maybe getting some nice pictures. Again, would be better if Rachel was here for many reasons.

Faggots!

During our visit to London we sat on the grass in a not very busy Hyde park to eat our ice creams. A few people were around sat in desk chairs or on picnic blankets. There were the odd one or two that were worth a second glance but nothing really to bother about - I guess everyone felt the same about us too.

We did spot one potential 'nutter' though. In fact I thought he was the guy looking after the deck chairs but on closer inspection the junk he had round his chair was maybe more loony items rather than money-collecting stuff.

Anyway he was making his way towards us as we'd finished our ice creams and were (thankfully) getting up to leave. As we walked away he just said "Faggots" and laughed. In fact he said it a few times, "Faggots, ha ha" .... "Faggots" as we walked off without looking back.

I did jokingly say to Lucy that I should go back and thank him as he did at least get my gender correct - though I don't think you can really count a nutter as a reliable witness as to weather you have passed or not.

Really neither of us were that bothered by this, clearly the guy was a loony and we're both lesbians (I have a t-short to prove it) so he was accurate in what he said. Then again, we were just sat their eating ice creams, and not doing, saying, or looking particularly lesbian at all!

I really don't get anyone, even if they are sane, having anything against someone who is 'different', if they are doing no harm to that person. The link to Wikipedia above shows people with signs saying that "God hates faggots". Surely if he does he's more than capable of showing his displeasure! Wouldn't it be better if people just got on with their own lives and left others alone to do the same?

London bound

I'd moved my latest check-up appointment with Dr Curtis for a few reasons, one being that my blood test results weren't all back yet (I had lots of numbers apart from the all important testosterone count). In the end I still didn't have the full set of results but everything was booked anyway.

To make a day of it Lucy came down as well to enjoy the delights of London which included fab, sunny weather, lots of shops, the relative peace of Hyde Park, the nutter who called us "Faggots" (more of this in a seperate post), tame squirrel, ice cream and lots of walking (all not necessarily in that order).

On the whole I lost the use of my camera that day as Lucy took over and got some pretty impressive shots.









The weather was amazing, lovely and sunny and warm (well hot really) and while not too bad on the tube I don't think it would have been that pleasant crammed into busy trains in rush hour (we avoided this).

Basically didn't do a huge amount before my appointment (wasn't really enough time and we did get delayed coming down as well due to a "fatality on the line") but had a nice meander around the shops (few of them), didn't buy anything as we were both skint. Still nice to look and see things to buy later!

Appointment went well (more of this seperately) and the break gave me a chance to change out of the nice shoes I came down wearing into trainers that were a little more comfortable and practical for doing lots more walking!

Had a wander across Hyde park and stopped to have a yummy ice cream as well as when we spotted a really tame squirrel that actually stayed still long enough for some decent pics:














Had a quick look in the Science Museum and also Natural History as well - nice that it's free to get into these and therefore a way to pass some time without feeling you've got to see every single thing there because you paid for it. Both were quite at that time of day (late afternoon).

Both of us were quite tired (heat, all the walking) so headed back to the tube so we could get back to Euston for the train home. Setting off from South Kensington at 17:30 and taking the Circle Line to Euston Square meant that we arrived around about 18:15 which was a little more than I thought, clearly a good idea to leave lots of time for even a simple journey.

Our train out was delayed (due to the continuing disruption from the "fatality on the line" from earlier) but only for about 30mins. The rush when a platform is announced, particularly when the train has been delayed, is quite amazing to watch or be involved in - I'm sure they would get some interesting video from ceiling-mounted cameras! Was a mad rush from everyone to get to their seats - ours being right at the front of the train and, by that point, most people had either gone to the carriages they were in or really couldn't take the pace!

So a tiring day out, but a good one. Was nice to have my best friend their and we got to have a chat, and have a fun day.

I had to continue my journey up to Manchester and on to Chorley alone and it gave me time to reflect a little. These kind of days out seem to be all about anticipation and then are frantic themselves and it's only when things are over that you realise that you had a good time and how nice it was to be with your best friend. Doesn't really matter what we'd done I know I would have still felt the same way at the end of the day. Best friends are just fab, thanks Lucy x

More pictures from the weekend ...

London bound again

I'm on my way down to London again for another check-up appointment with Dr Curtis. This is the 3rd trip down and I guess I'm feeling pretty blase about it all since I'm so use to the journey and the experience of seeing a specialist.

There is probably more to discuss this time though and I think at this point the reality of what I'm doing is setting in and the hormones are, as I've mentioned, having mental as well as the physiological effects. I think a friend put it best when she said that I'll be feeling like I need to find myself, another also commented about the sense of a loss of control. I think the only other thought that I would add to this is the desire to be close to someone, a longing for the company of friends to talk to as well as someone special to be there to care about me and who I want to care for.

Hmm, there was an awful lot of flowery/poetic language in that last paragraph, will try not to make a habit of it!

Anyway, I'm actually sat on the train looking like a proper geek at the moment being as I'm connected to the internet via the 3G broadband dongle and I'm also doing some work (though this is rather slow going as it takes ages for the code I'm working on to compile, run, and then invariably fail requiring the whole process to be repeated!

But back to the mobile brodband: sometimes it's just nice to have some useful technology that just works, it makes the day just that little bit brighter :D

Sunday

It's getting a bit late now and I have a load of junk on my bed in a semi-unpacked state that I need to move before I can get the sleep I desperately need (the adrenalin is wearing off now and I just need to have some rest before work tomorrow). So this may be quick!

So, got up, breakfast (at the same Italian restaurant as Friday night - food good both times), then saying goodbye to Deborah at the tube. Really was a fun weekend, thank you so much to her for that.

Anyway, finished the packing, the ridiculously heavy, suitcase and thought I'd check the train times as I was meant to be getting to London Marylebone for ther 14:50 train to Birmingham and then change there (after walking to a different station) to get to Manchester. Anyway, I had to leave the hotel at 12:00 so I thought I'd look for an earlier train and try and avoid all the walking. Turns out there was one in about 20mins from Kings Cross!

Got to the station as quickly as I could with my arm feeling like it was being wrenched out of it's socket (really need to learn to travel lighter) and dashed to the platform after a bit of indecision about whether I should check with information if I could get on this train. There was a rail-type-looking person at the top of the platform so I asked him instead. Yes, my "Any Permitted" route ticket would be fine on this National Express train, no problem. Great!

Actually not great.

As it turns out my ticket wasn't valid on that route - apparently "Any Permitted" doesn't really convey enough information. It might be more accurate to say "Only the one we booked for you and don't dare try and make *your* life easier by getting inventive and trying to find the quickest way home".

The guard on the train explained that National Express wouldn't get any money for the ticket I had so it wasn't valid. But, I explained, I'd been told it was and that I wouldn't have got on the train if someone had said no. This didn't seem to sway the guard who pointed out that my ticket was cheaper than a valid one on this route and that I needed to pay £70! Said I wasn't going to do that so that meant he took my name, address, and other details and gave me an "unpaid fares notice" - their version of an ASBO I guess!

I have 7 days to appeal this which is exactly what I'm going to do. I don't mind paying (well maybe not £70) if I make a mistake but I did ask someone if my ticket was okay and was told it was, what else could I do!

Anyway, got to Doncaster where I needed to change train to get to Manchester. Ironically the guard on this train had no problem with my ticket at all - seemingly if you can magically get that far "Doncaster to Piccadilly" is part of the set of "Any Permitted" routes from London to Manchester!

Managed to get a fairly quick connection from Manchester to Chorley and then a swift taxi ride and I was finally back home.

Just in the interests of balance I'm clearly not a happy bunny when it comes to National Express and will post updates on here regarding this mess, but I think it's fair to give credit to companies when they do good things as well as when they are a pain in the neck.

So a few nice words about O2: I was due an upgrade today (contract runs out in March but as a long-standing customer I can a chance of a newer phone a few months early). I had whinged a bit and threatened to leave about a month ago (just impatient for a new phone), but in the end I was told I might get some discounts if I stayed. Too be honest I've never had any problems with O2 (or when they were called Cellnet) and it's probably a case of "better the devil you know".

Anyway, phoned today, explained all this and asked what they could do. So, by Wednesday (hopefully - postage permitting) I will have a nice new C902 (Titanium - James Bond style, think that theme will be getting deleted though) and 30% discount on my line rental. How happy am I :D

Saturday

Manic.

There may be better words to describe London but that's the one I would use, in fact I think it needs to be repeated for extra emphasis: manic, manic, MANIC!

Oxford Street was closed to traffic on Saturday so shoppers could wander up and down the roads, presumably so there could be more of them out and shopping to get us out of this financial mess we are in. Well I made a valiant attempt and Deborah and I spent some considerable time in Primark buying lots of stuff but in the end I had to retreat back to the hotel in the early afternoon because I was tired and hungover quite badly.

Mind you we did manage to have a nice lunch in the Food Garden at the top of Selfridges (I am such a snob it is untrue) which wasn't too unreasonable and had plenty of choice. I also managed to get the perfume I wanted (DKNY Delicious Night) as well as getting some gifts for my son and his mum.

Then I carried both mine and Deborah's bags back to the hotel so she could carry on shopping while I tried to sleep off feeling a bit under-the-weather!

Seemed to do the trick and by the time Deborah got back I felt alot better.

Cue extensive hair-straightening and getting ready to go out to see Eddie Izzard. I really need to allow more time for getting ready and need to include shower, complete wash of hair, and basically start from the beginning again. Trying to straighten hair that has had a day of being quite happily curly is 'challenging' at best.

So we rushed out, both quite dressed up, and in need of finding food and a taxi rather quickly - so of course we had the former in McDonalds and then rushed to the other side of Kings Cross to get the latter. Traffic also manic so ended up getting out of the tax at one end of Shaftsbury Avenue and walking (rather too briskly for the heels I was wearing - must get trainers for next time!) to the Lyric Theatre.

A friend had suggested that, when he went to see Eddie Izzard, that some of the material had been done before and that he seemed to have lost his edge a bit. The night that we went to see him seemed, to me at least, to be nothing like that; he was absolutely hilarious, I laughed and smiled so much that I had crease lines in my make-up!

Fabulous, just amazingly fabulous! As funny as ever if not funnier!

So after 3 hours (the set was over 2hrs 30mins, interval after about 1hr 40mins) of being in the, rather warm, theatre it was time to spill out on the busy streets of London to walk some more in a desperate bid to find a taxi! Finally Deborah spotted one and commandeered it! Got back after midnight still wide-awake and happy from the nights entertainment!

Friday

I'm going to try and blog about this long weekend in three seperate chunks to make it a bit easier to follow and for me to remember. I really should have done all this at the time but really couldn't manage to fit it into all that was going on. This might mean that I just skip stuff and shorten my rambling, probably a good thing :)

Anyway, Friday: Got up ridiculously early on Friday so that I could have my shower and then dry and straighten my hair. It felt very important to me that I look 'right' for such an important step in my life so I'd been planning the outfit and look for a few days and had to make sure I got it right. Anyway, no major stresses in getting ready and was only about 10mins behind the time I wanted to leave the house - about 7:15! (no wonder I'm tired now).

No big problems getting to Manchester in plenty of time via local bus and then little train from Chorley; got a few looks but no outright staring. Nothing really in Manchester either, everyone was friendly and helpful.

Just a point on the whole staring thing: I try and let people do it and get it over with. Sometimes it does bug me, particularly if it's totally blantant or constant, like the nosy old woman on the train to London who just kept looking. But generally if I can see someone is trying to have a surreptitious look I just turn the other way and let them not feel too awkward. I know I look 'odd' and I'd prefer people to not feel awkward so they don't associate me, or other trans people, as a threat or something difficult to deal with.

Anyway, got to London, got in a taxi, which included the mildly racist, anti-government rantings of the average cabbi (very entertaining), got to hotel, had to pay £10 to check in at 1pm because official time is 3pm (Travellodge money-making scheme), then finally wandered off to get to my appointment.

Can't remember now what I was thinking but I was pretty nervous, although I think I'd got most of it under control and had spent so much time going over everything in my head that there wasn't much else to think about!

Was early and ended up sitting waiting for my appointment and got talking to a lovely, beautiful and interesting woman whose name I've completely failed to remember. If you're reading this and you were at there around 2:30 on Friday; it was fantastic to chat to you and really helped my nerves, and get in touch :)

Dr Curtis was lovely as usual, and just asked how everything was going and how things had progressed since seeing him last. Explained everything that had been going on and how supportive everyone had been. Then came the topic of hormones and he simply asked whether I would be wanting to start treatment to which I answered: "Definitely".

Decided to go for patches instead of tablets - there is, from what I understand little difference in effectiveness but not hitting my liver as hard seemed like a good idea (particularly in light of the drinking that came in the evening - see later).

So armed with 3 months supply of patches I left feeling quite happy but with a little feeling of anti-climax. So, the plan was to go and spend silly money on a ring to mark this point in time and also to apply the first patch. Well, thought I better do that first so located toilets in Debenhams (snobbish and practical - reasoned the nicer stores would have bigger and cleaner loos) and stuck what looks like a square of sellotape onto my tummy. Hmmm, very much an anti-climax really.

Can't say I felt particularly different at all, but definitely happy, if still a little thoughtful and overwhelmed by it all. But that was it, I had started and it was all very real now.

Met up with Deborah and Sue in the evening and then with some other friends in a pub somewhere near Kings Cross (was quite lost at this point), and proceeded to try and drink WAY too much on an empty stomach. This was followed by a small amount of staggering (and things spinning a little) until with found a really nice Italian restaurant when we could drink more wine and desperately try and counteract this with food!

Can't remember what time I got to bed, think it wasn't too late but I was fairly drunk by this point and really just not thinking about much at all. Was still able to send silly txt messages to Lucy so I can't have been *that* drunk!