Well first the bad news: my son doesn't want to come over and see me today as he's happily playing with his cousins having had a sleep-over there. I guess this is understandable but I couldn't help sounding a little disappointed when he was on the phone to me telling me this.
Also it seems he's been saying alot that he doesn't want to come over to see me and B says she doesn't want to force him which is fair enough to a point. We had a little 'discussion' about that this morning which thankfully didn't turn into an argument but still, it wasn't nice hearing again that I'm "no fun" and my son wants his Mum there all the time.
I was really looking forward to seeing him today as he's a link to some sort of normality and also something to be genuinely proud of as he's such a fantastic kid.
Anyway, in the end he's coming over for tea which is good as I did at least want to see him at some point this weekend just to say hello and give him a hug - I guess I want to see him before my appointment with Dr Curtis on Tuesday which is now fast approaching and starting to become scary.
Anyway, the good news, which I was very proud of and which, in my bizarrely superstitious mind, led to the "fall" was that, for one thing I went to work in a skirt (okay, not a huge thing but a bit of a step in confidence as I usually, and still do, prefer jeans) and I went to see the nurse (still in female mode) for my health check on joining a new doctors practice. The nurse was lovely and supportive about my GID related stuff but also told me my BP was 120 over 85 (this is good) and that I weighed 80kg (12.7st) which is down from the 13.5st I was before! (and this was with clothes, boot, and erm, chest enhancement!)
Suffice to say that I went to Tescos and bought a pizza, red wine, and chocolate ice cream to eat for tea and sat and watched Stardust so I felt fab and slightly fat after alll of that (my cycling tomorrow I think).
Saturday 30 August 2008
Friday 29 August 2008
Personal pronouns ...
... even I get them wrong!
I actually made a comment the other day about something or other and followed this with " ... and then you'll say he was right ..." referring to myself as "he" even though I was clearly presenting as female that day.
So, really, don't feel too bad when you get the pronouns wrong, particularly if the person concerned hasn't made a clear transition yet (this would be the case with me). However, if you do want to make the effort the rules are simple:
Presenting as male - perfectly okay to say "he", "him", etc
Presenting as female - better to use "she", "her", etc
I guess that raises the question of how to identify what someone is presenting as: I'm not sure on others rules for this but for me, if I'm wearing make-up and seem somewhat enhanced in the chest department then it's a fair bet I'm trying to appear female so would appreciate appropriate pronouns.
Anyway, that's enough for now, I think I'll try and do more little helpful hints in future as people are asking questions about things that are clearly obvious to me but which aren't to the wider world.
I actually made a comment the other day about something or other and followed this with " ... and then you'll say he was right ..." referring to myself as "he" even though I was clearly presenting as female that day.
So, really, don't feel too bad when you get the pronouns wrong, particularly if the person concerned hasn't made a clear transition yet (this would be the case with me). However, if you do want to make the effort the rules are simple:
Presenting as male - perfectly okay to say "he", "him", etc
Presenting as female - better to use "she", "her", etc
I guess that raises the question of how to identify what someone is presenting as: I'm not sure on others rules for this but for me, if I'm wearing make-up and seem somewhat enhanced in the chest department then it's a fair bet I'm trying to appear female so would appreciate appropriate pronouns.
Anyway, that's enough for now, I think I'll try and do more little helpful hints in future as people are asking questions about things that are clearly obvious to me but which aren't to the wider world.
Thursday 28 August 2008
Legoland!
Finally got round to uploading the pictures from Legoland Windsor!We had a fantastic two days there and managed to get on at least some of the rides the second morning we were there but after lunch there was little chance of that as the place was absolutely packed and the queues were horrendous!
Just a practical note for anyone wanting to visit; I would highly recommend the annual pass which, as the website states, is less than the cost of visiting the park twice and obviously allows you to go back as many times as you want over the course of a year. For myself and my son the cost for both annual passes came to about £118 which is an awful lot of money but not too bad when you consider that we can go back, say, next April and summer and there are no extra costs for rides once inside the park (though food is expensive).
In terms of hotels to stay at, we were in the Marriott near Heathrow/Slough simply because I had points that I could use to pay for that. There is plenty of accommodation around the area so no big issues there.
Anyway, we had fun and I'm sure we will be going again at the earliest opportunity :D
Jealous of friends (and shameless advertising of them)
I am lucky to have some fantastic friends. I guess, in some ways I'm also lucky to have to very attractive friends as well although that also means there are the odd occasions when I'm unbelievably jealous of them as well. Actually I'm generally VERY jealous of all of my RG (Regular Girl) friends as they can look stunningly attractive with no make-up or effort at all (they will never believe this no matter how many times I tell them - but it is true).
Anyway, all of this rambling is simply because my friend Lucy wanted to appear in my blog simply because she looks stunning and wanted to advertise the fact:
You can see more pictures of Lucy on her Flickr page. She also mentioned that, if there are and nice, handsome guys reading this blog she'd love to hear from them!
There, that okay for a blog entry Lucy?
[ Ooops, forgot to set the link to Lucy's Flickr page! Fixed now ]
Anyway, all of this rambling is simply because my friend Lucy wanted to appear in my blog simply because she looks stunning and wanted to advertise the fact:
You can see more pictures of Lucy on her Flickr page. She also mentioned that, if there are and nice, handsome guys reading this blog she'd love to hear from them!There, that okay for a blog entry Lucy?
[ Ooops, forgot to set the link to Lucy's Flickr page! Fixed now ]
Sexuality ...
... is very confusing for me.
Several people have asked the standard, and I guess obvious, question about whether the whole dressing-as-a-woman thing means that I also take that to the, potentially, logical conclusion that I'm attracted to men in the same way as a normal woman.
The short answer, for the record is "no", which can be slightly elaborated by explaining that, in some respects gender and sexuality can be treated as separate things, e.g. this is obvious when you consider gay men or lesbian women.
The longer answer is even more complicated though and is affected by a whole load of things; general confusion, socialisation, and also a whole host of issues around diagnosis and acceptance of a TG condition. I'm not going to go into the depths of my confusion here but I did want to at least allude to the fact that it isn't an entirely clear-cut decision/choice for me and is something that causes me alot of pain and confusion. The easy choice at the moment is just to try and not think about it most of the time as clearly any decision either way is going to be tremendously complicated!
One thing that I do want to rant about is autogynephilia which, as one forum poster commented forms part of one side of the "Tranny Warz" along with it's supporters such as J Michael Bailey, Dr Anne Lawrence, and the originator of the term; Ray Blanchard. It's worth noting before launching into this theory that I have seen comments about TS (MtF) individuals feeling the need to state an attraction to men in order to justify their desire to transition. This obviously creates concern from both those wanting to get help and those supplying it.
One of the problems I personally see with autogynephilia is that it seems to be a very narrow theory; it classifies MtF TS as either homosexual or non-homosexual. There doesn't appear to be any middle ground or other options for grouping. Also it doesn't appear to even consider FtM TS individuals or for that matter take into account wider sexuality. Quite simply you are either a feminine homosexual male who wishes to undergo transition in order to fully realise the female persona they present or you have no attraction to men but instead you have an erotic and/or romantic attachment to the fantasy of you yourself being female.
The most obvious example of autogynephilic behaviour would be sexual arousal from the act of wearing female clothing or from the fantasy of having a female anatomy. The target of this fantasy always being oneself. First off the problem here is that this theory makes it sound like anyone classified in such a way is doing so because of some sexual reason - in today's society that is a hard thing to accept. It's much better to be able to state your 'problem' is one of identity and gender rather than some sort of kink or even worse, perversion.
Given the pressure I mentioned above that some TS individuals feel to state an attraction to men and essentially fit the homosexual category here it's easy to see that this theory does nothing to help ease this situation and in fact probably makes it worse.
In her article Becoming What We Love Dr Anne Lawrence tries to defend the theory and also put a more positive spin on it by emphasising the "romantic" or "love" part rather than the sexual aspects. I'm not really convinced by the arguments she puts forward, for example one of the responses from TS subjects (who presumably disagree with this theory) is that they have had these feelings from a very young age. In the article this is dismissed by presenting evidence that children as young as 4-5yrs old can express romantic attachment to members of the opposite sex that appears similar to the feelings reported by adolescents. This sounds alot like trying to twist facts to fit the theory!
Another point that really doesn't help is at the end of J Michael Baileys blog entry where he says:
"To me, the most obvious harm occurs when an autogynephilic individual becomes a husband and father and the family then dissolves when he decides to become a woman. Helping to acknowledge autogynephilia earlier in life may help to prevent more trans women from unintentionally ending up in this situation."
This is plainly offensive to those in this situation, and I would suspect that there would be a high percentage of those from the individuals that fit into the theories "autogynephilic" category. So again, not helpful in the slightest and only goes to alienate more people!
What is truly sad though is that there may be some elements of the theory that do apply and do provide benefit to some but this will be over-shadowed by the rather unsavoury aspects of the complete theory as presented. I've personally found that the more voiciferously I present an argument the more likely it is that I've got something wrong and need to back out later. It's often better to simply say what are possible explanations and then see if those that may know better agree and affectively reinforce your theory or modify it until more complete.
I think the main problem here is that those who came up with the theory are not themselves subject to it so they lack some degree of empathy towards their subjects. Anne Lawrence does have personal experience in this area and claims to identify with the theory as a way to explain her situation. However I think her article above shows that she is twisting things to make them sit better with her personal feelings - which is what everyone always does.
So, does this theory help me - no, I don't think it does, and I think, like alot of things it's down to what you feel and think yourself. As long as those caring for you listen and help based on that then there is no problem. We can all talk about what/why/wherefore in an adult way afterwards.
Several people have asked the standard, and I guess obvious, question about whether the whole dressing-as-a-woman thing means that I also take that to the, potentially, logical conclusion that I'm attracted to men in the same way as a normal woman.
The short answer, for the record is "no", which can be slightly elaborated by explaining that, in some respects gender and sexuality can be treated as separate things, e.g. this is obvious when you consider gay men or lesbian women.
The longer answer is even more complicated though and is affected by a whole load of things; general confusion, socialisation, and also a whole host of issues around diagnosis and acceptance of a TG condition. I'm not going to go into the depths of my confusion here but I did want to at least allude to the fact that it isn't an entirely clear-cut decision/choice for me and is something that causes me alot of pain and confusion. The easy choice at the moment is just to try and not think about it most of the time as clearly any decision either way is going to be tremendously complicated!
One thing that I do want to rant about is autogynephilia which, as one forum poster commented forms part of one side of the "Tranny Warz" along with it's supporters such as J Michael Bailey, Dr Anne Lawrence, and the originator of the term; Ray Blanchard. It's worth noting before launching into this theory that I have seen comments about TS (MtF) individuals feeling the need to state an attraction to men in order to justify their desire to transition. This obviously creates concern from both those wanting to get help and those supplying it.
One of the problems I personally see with autogynephilia is that it seems to be a very narrow theory; it classifies MtF TS as either homosexual or non-homosexual. There doesn't appear to be any middle ground or other options for grouping. Also it doesn't appear to even consider FtM TS individuals or for that matter take into account wider sexuality. Quite simply you are either a feminine homosexual male who wishes to undergo transition in order to fully realise the female persona they present or you have no attraction to men but instead you have an erotic and/or romantic attachment to the fantasy of you yourself being female.
The most obvious example of autogynephilic behaviour would be sexual arousal from the act of wearing female clothing or from the fantasy of having a female anatomy. The target of this fantasy always being oneself. First off the problem here is that this theory makes it sound like anyone classified in such a way is doing so because of some sexual reason - in today's society that is a hard thing to accept. It's much better to be able to state your 'problem' is one of identity and gender rather than some sort of kink or even worse, perversion.
Given the pressure I mentioned above that some TS individuals feel to state an attraction to men and essentially fit the homosexual category here it's easy to see that this theory does nothing to help ease this situation and in fact probably makes it worse.
In her article Becoming What We Love Dr Anne Lawrence tries to defend the theory and also put a more positive spin on it by emphasising the "romantic" or "love" part rather than the sexual aspects. I'm not really convinced by the arguments she puts forward, for example one of the responses from TS subjects (who presumably disagree with this theory) is that they have had these feelings from a very young age. In the article this is dismissed by presenting evidence that children as young as 4-5yrs old can express romantic attachment to members of the opposite sex that appears similar to the feelings reported by adolescents. This sounds alot like trying to twist facts to fit the theory!
Another point that really doesn't help is at the end of J Michael Baileys blog entry where he says:
"To me, the most obvious harm occurs when an autogynephilic individual becomes a husband and father and the family then dissolves when he decides to become a woman. Helping to acknowledge autogynephilia earlier in life may help to prevent more trans women from unintentionally ending up in this situation."
This is plainly offensive to those in this situation, and I would suspect that there would be a high percentage of those from the individuals that fit into the theories "autogynephilic" category. So again, not helpful in the slightest and only goes to alienate more people!
What is truly sad though is that there may be some elements of the theory that do apply and do provide benefit to some but this will be over-shadowed by the rather unsavoury aspects of the complete theory as presented. I've personally found that the more voiciferously I present an argument the more likely it is that I've got something wrong and need to back out later. It's often better to simply say what are possible explanations and then see if those that may know better agree and affectively reinforce your theory or modify it until more complete.
I think the main problem here is that those who came up with the theory are not themselves subject to it so they lack some degree of empathy towards their subjects. Anne Lawrence does have personal experience in this area and claims to identify with the theory as a way to explain her situation. However I think her article above shows that she is twisting things to make them sit better with her personal feelings - which is what everyone always does.
So, does this theory help me - no, I don't think it does, and I think, like alot of things it's down to what you feel and think yourself. As long as those caring for you listen and help based on that then there is no problem. We can all talk about what/why/wherefore in an adult way afterwards.
Thursday 21 August 2008
Past photos and life
I've skipped the last three days in the blog, they were spent at Legoland Windsor with my son and we had a great time! I'll write some more about that later today and put up a pic or two if I get round to transferring them.
Anyway, today B phoned and we ended up talking (arguing, crying, discussing) on the phone for an hour or so, at the end of which she had a chat to our son and he decided he wanted to go back home today and then return here tomorrow. I was a little upset but he really seemed to want to go back and play with his birthday presents and spent some time in his home.
Got there and it was kind of weird being back in the house after all this time, as I've commented before I think B has been able to make it look really nice without me "in the way". It was all very pleasant between us while I was there, I guess our talking before had cleared the air a bit and it was nice to see our son playing and being the fantastic little boy that he is.
B had been sorting out the junk in the loft and we spent the next 30mins or so moving all of that into my car so I could get it out of the way - this was something I said I'd do over summer as there was so much rubbish up there and obviously it was a constant reminder not to mention a hindrance. Some of it I took straight to the tip as it was just useless and wouldn't even sell on eBay but I kept all my university books and things.
When I got back I had to move everything into my garage and I stopped to look at the montage of pictures that my best man did for the wedding and that's when it hit me; I really didn't like what I was looking at. I really felt like I didn't have anything in common with the person I was looking at and I didn't want to be him anymore.
It also struck me that these pictures and memories are the very same things that my parents and B *want* to hold onto, it's that 'me' that they like and can see disappearing. I'm not sure if I can convey how those pics really made me feel now that it's been a few hours since looking at them but it was incredibly emotional and at the same time shocking to see how much I've done or am trying to do to change myself.
There was also a pic from the honeymoon and one of B from the wedding itself - she looked absolutely beautiful and I couldn't stop crying at the thought of how sad all of this is. I really can't describe how much this is all hurting all of us.
It's been a few hours since looking at the pics so I'm finding it hard to remember how I felt and put it down into words properly. I'll think some more about it over the coming days and weeks as I've obviously got the appointment in London fast approaching and I want to try and get my head straight for that so I can at least talk coherently about what has been happening in my life and what I feel I want, or need, to do about it.
Anyway, today B phoned and we ended up talking (arguing, crying, discussing) on the phone for an hour or so, at the end of which she had a chat to our son and he decided he wanted to go back home today and then return here tomorrow. I was a little upset but he really seemed to want to go back and play with his birthday presents and spent some time in his home.
Got there and it was kind of weird being back in the house after all this time, as I've commented before I think B has been able to make it look really nice without me "in the way". It was all very pleasant between us while I was there, I guess our talking before had cleared the air a bit and it was nice to see our son playing and being the fantastic little boy that he is.
B had been sorting out the junk in the loft and we spent the next 30mins or so moving all of that into my car so I could get it out of the way - this was something I said I'd do over summer as there was so much rubbish up there and obviously it was a constant reminder not to mention a hindrance. Some of it I took straight to the tip as it was just useless and wouldn't even sell on eBay but I kept all my university books and things.
When I got back I had to move everything into my garage and I stopped to look at the montage of pictures that my best man did for the wedding and that's when it hit me; I really didn't like what I was looking at. I really felt like I didn't have anything in common with the person I was looking at and I didn't want to be him anymore.
It also struck me that these pictures and memories are the very same things that my parents and B *want* to hold onto, it's that 'me' that they like and can see disappearing. I'm not sure if I can convey how those pics really made me feel now that it's been a few hours since looking at them but it was incredibly emotional and at the same time shocking to see how much I've done or am trying to do to change myself.
There was also a pic from the honeymoon and one of B from the wedding itself - she looked absolutely beautiful and I couldn't stop crying at the thought of how sad all of this is. I really can't describe how much this is all hurting all of us.
It's been a few hours since looking at the pics so I'm finding it hard to remember how I felt and put it down into words properly. I'll think some more about it over the coming days and weeks as I've obviously got the appointment in London fast approaching and I want to try and get my head straight for that so I can at least talk coherently about what has been happening in my life and what I feel I want, or need, to do about it.
Saturday 16 August 2008
A rose by any other name
Several people have asked me what they should call me when I'm dressed as 'Fiona' which does sound like a bit of a silly question on the face of it but is actually very pertinent and thoughtful thing to ask (particularly given that I've not issued any official change of name notice/e-mail).
So, to try and clarify things here's a simple rule: if you know me as my previous (male) name then continue to use that, it won't bother me at all and will just be easier than anyone having to figure out how 'female' I look to decide what name.
Anyone that has actually met me as Fiona is fine to call me that to, I also answer to "Fi" but NOT (unless feeling particularly generous) "Fifi"!
I'm really not too hung-up on names; I'm still me no matter what I'm called, my identity isn't wrapped up with the name. Also I've always found that names are very rarely used in one-to-one conversation anyway, everyone knows who is talking and who they are talking to!
So, for everyone reading this: honestly the name is no big deal, the fact that you're talking to me is good enough for me.
So, to try and clarify things here's a simple rule: if you know me as my previous (male) name then continue to use that, it won't bother me at all and will just be easier than anyone having to figure out how 'female' I look to decide what name.
Anyone that has actually met me as Fiona is fine to call me that to, I also answer to "Fi" but NOT (unless feeling particularly generous) "Fifi"!
I'm really not too hung-up on names; I'm still me no matter what I'm called, my identity isn't wrapped up with the name. Also I've always found that names are very rarely used in one-to-one conversation anyway, everyone knows who is talking and who they are talking to!
So, for everyone reading this: honestly the name is no big deal, the fact that you're talking to me is good enough for me.
Friday 15 August 2008
How to f*** up your life
I was going to post a pic of me at work and I was going to try and make it look as good as possible but I think the one above is more honest.This is what can happen to you because of all of this TG crap - your life is fucked up completely. I'm not blaming anyone, I'm not saying I don't take responsibility for my choices and actions but some of these thoughts and feelings are things that can't just be suppressed.
So, the above is a lesson in what you can end up looking like and how much it can hurt you personally. In fairness B has been hurt even more through no fault of her own.
It just got too much
Not really sure what happened and what triggered everything and I had so many ideas flying through my head that it would be impossible to remember them all let alone write them down here.
I think the initial thing that triggered me to go a little insane yesterday was B and our son getting back to the UK after their holiday; I didn't realise it was yesterday they got back, I assumed that it would be later in the week. Was a little shocked when I saw B online and I think at that point a bit of reality hit home; I'd had two weeks of almost constant Fiona-ness and no concerns about having to 'clean' myself up to see my son. Also the fact that I have small silver studs in my ears and that this could very well cause a huge argument and problem for me when B sees them also started to sink in.
So when I got back home I was feeling quite confused and had a glass of wine that was then followed (not too quickly thankfully, I'm not an alcoholic or anything quite yet) by some sweet concoction made from the only remaining alcohol in the flat.
I didn't really get that drunk but did sit and watch several episodes of The L Word which were pretty moving so I had a good cry about those. Got in bed to have an early night and just felt like listening to some music instead of reading an started off with Sarah McLachlan and Jann Arden and similar things - and then started to cry uncontrollably for no reason (yeah, okay, listening to "Fallen" is probably a good trigger).
Felt okay this morning (not hung-over or anything) but decided that I needed to do something to give me a bit of a confidence boost so got dressed up a little, did my hair, make-up etc and went for another inch of heel height!
I might post a pic later if I feel brave enough - don't look 100% as my eyes have been very itchy and red due, I suspect, to hayfever and cycling to/from work which just mucks up my skin.
I think the initial thing that triggered me to go a little insane yesterday was B and our son getting back to the UK after their holiday; I didn't realise it was yesterday they got back, I assumed that it would be later in the week. Was a little shocked when I saw B online and I think at that point a bit of reality hit home; I'd had two weeks of almost constant Fiona-ness and no concerns about having to 'clean' myself up to see my son. Also the fact that I have small silver studs in my ears and that this could very well cause a huge argument and problem for me when B sees them also started to sink in.
So when I got back home I was feeling quite confused and had a glass of wine that was then followed (not too quickly thankfully, I'm not an alcoholic or anything quite yet) by some sweet concoction made from the only remaining alcohol in the flat.
I didn't really get that drunk but did sit and watch several episodes of The L Word which were pretty moving so I had a good cry about those. Got in bed to have an early night and just felt like listening to some music instead of reading an started off with Sarah McLachlan and Jann Arden and similar things - and then started to cry uncontrollably for no reason (yeah, okay, listening to "Fallen" is probably a good trigger).
Felt okay this morning (not hung-over or anything) but decided that I needed to do something to give me a bit of a confidence boost so got dressed up a little, did my hair, make-up etc and went for another inch of heel height!
I might post a pic later if I feel brave enough - don't look 100% as my eyes have been very itchy and red due, I suspect, to hayfever and cycling to/from work which just mucks up my skin.
Tuesday 12 August 2008
APPOINTMENT
I have an appointment to see Dr Curtis at the beginning of September! YAY!
This is a HUGE step!
And yes, I will still be looking into counselling and any other support and help I can get because there is clearly alot I'm going to have to deal with over the coming months. Equally this is not going to be easy for family or maybe even some friends as well.
I feel a little scared but quite happy that things are moving forward. I don't really have much grasp of how things will turn out but at least I'm going to be seeing someone who knows all about this area and I'm seeing them soon and will then be able to get the help I need.
Happy, for now at least :D
This is a HUGE step!
And yes, I will still be looking into counselling and any other support and help I can get because there is clearly alot I'm going to have to deal with over the coming months. Equally this is not going to be easy for family or maybe even some friends as well.
I feel a little scared but quite happy that things are moving forward. I don't really have much grasp of how things will turn out but at least I'm going to be seeing someone who knows all about this area and I'm seeing them soon and will then be able to get the help I need.
Happy, for now at least :D
TRANNY!
This was what got shouted at me in Tesco's last night. I obviously did think about it for a while but overall it didn't really bother me that much. I certainly didn't run an hide or feel ashamed or anything like that. I just thought about things to say in retort like "Is that the best you can do?" or "Not very intelligent is it,I mean you would be cleverer if you shouted 'Transexual'?" etc.
Here's what happened: walked into Tesco's and headed straight for the stationary isle (it's harder to get into the ones that are moving - sorry, couldn't resist) and was completely absorbed in what I was doing but picked up someone say "... we'll ask someone, what about her?" as I headed down the row followed by "TRANNY!" as I reached what I was looking for and stopped.
I didn't turn round immediately (I was looking for something and really was concentrating on that and not worrying about what people thought or said about me) and by the time I did look there was no-one there.
Really it hasn't bothered me much as I didn't feel threatened or embarassed or anything like that but I would have liked to opportunity to actually say something in response because clearly anyone that would shout out to anyone pointing out the obvious is both insensitive and frankly below average intelligence. Actually, it's probably good I didn't get to say anything!
What did occur to me is that I was blatantly out: wearing female jeans, blouse (bit non-descript, not obviously feminine), 2" ankle boots, earring studs, silver watch and painted nails ... not to mention long hair in a feeble attempt at a style. So there was no way that I could be seen as anything other then TG to some degree. Looking back I would never have imagined, even a few months ago, that I would be dressing (and acting) in a (hopefully) female way at work and in real life. I think I am constantly pushing the boundaries now and there is little that I can do now without taking some fairly big steps.
Here's what happened: walked into Tesco's and headed straight for the stationary isle (it's harder to get into the ones that are moving - sorry, couldn't resist) and was completely absorbed in what I was doing but picked up someone say "... we'll ask someone, what about her?" as I headed down the row followed by "TRANNY!" as I reached what I was looking for and stopped.
I didn't turn round immediately (I was looking for something and really was concentrating on that and not worrying about what people thought or said about me) and by the time I did look there was no-one there.
Really it hasn't bothered me much as I didn't feel threatened or embarassed or anything like that but I would have liked to opportunity to actually say something in response because clearly anyone that would shout out to anyone pointing out the obvious is both insensitive and frankly below average intelligence. Actually, it's probably good I didn't get to say anything!
What did occur to me is that I was blatantly out: wearing female jeans, blouse (bit non-descript, not obviously feminine), 2" ankle boots, earring studs, silver watch and painted nails ... not to mention long hair in a feeble attempt at a style. So there was no way that I could be seen as anything other then TG to some degree. Looking back I would never have imagined, even a few months ago, that I would be dressing (and acting) in a (hopefully) female way at work and in real life. I think I am constantly pushing the boundaries now and there is little that I can do now without taking some fairly big steps.
Monday 11 August 2008
My Dad
I was just thinking this morning about e-mails and various things and my mind wandered to the e-mail that my Dad had sent around about the time I split up with B and moved out. In that e-mail he said he found it hard to talk about everything to do with this but he and my Mum would still support me because I'm their son.
It occurred to me today that I've not had any other e-mails from my Dad and he's not responded to the ones I sent about the pictures of my son on Flickr. I started to realise that he really has cut off communications and really isn't dealing well with the changes in my life.
I started to think about how he might feel about what I'm doing to myself and was struck by the sudden thought that he would see it as losing a son. He would be losing a relationship where we had things like computers and gadgets and such in common and we talked about work and other things. I guess all of that though is in the context of a father-son relationship and that would probably be lost (or is already) with me becoming more female and less like the son my Dad knew.
It would be easy to be glib about this and say that really I am the same person but, as some here said, "just in different wrapping". I guess that doesn't cut it when you feel you are losing something that you have had for 35 years and are not able to cope with losing.
Yes, this whole thing can really f*ck up lives.
It occurred to me today that I've not had any other e-mails from my Dad and he's not responded to the ones I sent about the pictures of my son on Flickr. I started to realise that he really has cut off communications and really isn't dealing well with the changes in my life.
I started to think about how he might feel about what I'm doing to myself and was struck by the sudden thought that he would see it as losing a son. He would be losing a relationship where we had things like computers and gadgets and such in common and we talked about work and other things. I guess all of that though is in the context of a father-son relationship and that would probably be lost (or is already) with me becoming more female and less like the son my Dad knew.
It would be easy to be glib about this and say that really I am the same person but, as some here said, "just in different wrapping". I guess that doesn't cut it when you feel you are losing something that you have had for 35 years and are not able to cope with losing.
Yes, this whole thing can really f*ck up lives.
Mamma Mia!
FAB!
Went to see this yesterday afternoon with my friend K, we both really enjoyed it! It is a fantastic feel-good film and just a whole lot of fun! The cast are brilliant and it really looks they had such a fun time making the film aswell. The location looks amazing and I was very tempted to try and find a holiday in a similarly sunny and picturesque place (I suspect this would either be expensive or hard to find).
Had a really nice meal afterwards and a really good gossip, the time just flew by! Didn't get home until going on 9pm and then spent a fair amount of time trying to find the Mamma Mia soundtrack to download! Will almost certainly be buying the DVD when it's out because I'm sure there will be some hilarious and fun extras and outtakes!
I was curious about some of the cast though. Obviously the likes of Pierce Brosnan, Colin Firth, etc I can place but others like Stellan Skarsgård (Good Will Hunting) and Christine Baranski (The Guru) I couldn't name or place initially, so I had to just to a bit of research on IMDB to figure out where I knew them from.
Went to see this yesterday afternoon with my friend K, we both really enjoyed it! It is a fantastic feel-good film and just a whole lot of fun! The cast are brilliant and it really looks they had such a fun time making the film aswell. The location looks amazing and I was very tempted to try and find a holiday in a similarly sunny and picturesque place (I suspect this would either be expensive or hard to find).
Had a really nice meal afterwards and a really good gossip, the time just flew by! Didn't get home until going on 9pm and then spent a fair amount of time trying to find the Mamma Mia soundtrack to download! Will almost certainly be buying the DVD when it's out because I'm sure there will be some hilarious and fun extras and outtakes!
I was curious about some of the cast though. Obviously the likes of Pierce Brosnan, Colin Firth, etc I can place but others like Stellan Skarsgård (Good Will Hunting) and Christine Baranski (The Guru) I couldn't name or place initially, so I had to just to a bit of research on IMDB to figure out where I knew them from.
Friday 8 August 2008
Just meandering this week
Obviously the weekend was fairly significant and this week has almost been a kind of slow recovery with various ups and downs in terms of my feelings and thoughts with some more confusion thrown in for good measure. Nothing really specific just general self analysis and exploration of what/who I am or want to become.
The week seems to have flown by as well and I really can't think of all of the things I've done, I really should try and write blog entires more often otherwise I just forget so much that it's a bit pointless.
Having been coming into work in jeans, top, and ankle boots all week. This is partly for the obvious challenge and progress but also for practical reasons; my bob-mode jeans are getting to be too big on me, not by a huge margin but enough that it's noticeable and I feel I just look a mess. Also I think alot of my shirts are also a bit baggy and frankly they need a good wash as some get used for me cycling in and really need serious de-odourizing as 30° wash just doesn't do the trick.
Anyway, I decided, for the reason above and for another small step along the path, to get myself some proper cycling shorts and tops so that a) I have things designed to keep me warm/comfy b) the clothing is going to be better at drying out and not smelling so bad. So I bought a few cheapo lycra/cotton shorts (running shorts I guess) and t-shirts and some proper cycling pants and top.
Haven't got the cheapo things yet but the proper cycling shorts and top arrived and I got a chance to try them this morning (I couldn't wait really). I have to say they were fantastically comfortable which is hardly surprising as there is a huge padded cushion bit in the middle! Not that cold this morning (summer's day today) but kept the chill off and also seemed to let the sweat (I'm sorry, "perspiration" - I obviously don't sweat :D ) out.
So I don't think I'm going back to the previous cycling gear nor my old bob-mode clothes. In fact I don't suppose I'm that far off being in female/feminine mode almost 24/7 now. And, like alot of the things I've done, I don't want to go backwards and revert to how it was before, I have to keep moving forward and doing more ....
... but I'm running out of things to do. I think I need to have a serious think this weekend about taking the next step sooner rather than later and I will consider if I should book a private appointment in London.
The week seems to have flown by as well and I really can't think of all of the things I've done, I really should try and write blog entires more often otherwise I just forget so much that it's a bit pointless.
Having been coming into work in jeans, top, and ankle boots all week. This is partly for the obvious challenge and progress but also for practical reasons; my bob-mode jeans are getting to be too big on me, not by a huge margin but enough that it's noticeable and I feel I just look a mess. Also I think alot of my shirts are also a bit baggy and frankly they need a good wash as some get used for me cycling in and really need serious de-odourizing as 30° wash just doesn't do the trick.
Anyway, I decided, for the reason above and for another small step along the path, to get myself some proper cycling shorts and tops so that a) I have things designed to keep me warm/comfy b) the clothing is going to be better at drying out and not smelling so bad. So I bought a few cheapo lycra/cotton shorts (running shorts I guess) and t-shirts and some proper cycling pants and top.
Haven't got the cheapo things yet but the proper cycling shorts and top arrived and I got a chance to try them this morning (I couldn't wait really). I have to say they were fantastically comfortable which is hardly surprising as there is a huge padded cushion bit in the middle! Not that cold this morning (summer's day today) but kept the chill off and also seemed to let the sweat (I'm sorry, "perspiration" - I obviously don't sweat :D ) out.
So I don't think I'm going back to the previous cycling gear nor my old bob-mode clothes. In fact I don't suppose I'm that far off being in female/feminine mode almost 24/7 now. And, like alot of the things I've done, I don't want to go backwards and revert to how it was before, I have to keep moving forward and doing more ....
... but I'm running out of things to do. I think I need to have a serious think this weekend about taking the next step sooner rather than later and I will consider if I should book a private appointment in London.
Monday 4 August 2008
Fabulous weekend!
Well, I got over the trauma of Thursday night with a combination of nerves, determination, and sheer naive stupidity (aka I pushed it out of my mind/forgot about it - I know this is not good in the long term but it works for now).
First of all I took a BIG step: I went into work fully dressed and made-up. This was a huge thing todo and, apart from the obvious reasons, I was using the practical excuse that I was driving down to stay with D for the weekend and wanted to set off mid-afternoon directly from work to make life easier.
I'd talked to N at work about going in as Fiona and she had had a quick chat with people there and they had said they were fine with it. Also checked with my manager to make sure there were no customers in that I might distract! Took me a while to get ready in the morning, obviously very nervous, but once I got to work everything and everyone was fine. It really felt quite natural and my co-workers were amazingly understanding and accepting! Can't really express how thankful I am!
Anyway, a long drive down several motorways (with plenty of traffic jams) later and I arrived at D's house (SatNav got me straight there - isn't technology wonderful!). D's husband, G, wasn't in until later so we had chance for a good chat and catch up which was nice. G didn't bat an eyelid when he did come back and was totally fine with me as Fiona - well actually I stuck to my other name for the weekend, no need to complicate things just yet.
[ Aside: I'm pretty much 'out' in terms of my choice of name but really I can't say I've ever been that bothered about how I'm referred to, I find that in normal conversation names don't get used that much and I'm happy for people to continue referring to me by my other name which can, with different spelling, be female anyway. I will correct people on pronouns though! ]
Saturday was shopping day! Decided to wear black knee-high boots (2" heel, quite comfy even after walking some distance), Brown loose top, and fishnet tights - okay, that last bit sounds a bit over the top, but it wasn't; this were referred to as "body-shaper" tights in M&S, they are just the holey (fishnet) variety which meant they were cool to wear but still stopped my legs rubbing together painfully and also kept them looking as shapely as possible. Practical rather than sexy was what I was going for.
We had some fun getting into London due to buses replacing trains for part of the trip so didn't really make it in until going on 12 o'clock! Got some nice chinese food and then headed into the main shopping area of London, Oxford Street. Actually heading for Selfridges as that is where I wanted to get my ears pierced!
Arrived, queued up, got nervous, wondered if I was doing the right thing, more queuing, decided what studs to get (just tiny 3mm ones), more waiting and finally .... ah, there was a problem. Apparently you need to have eaten within the last hour so that it minimises the risk of you passing out when someone shoves a stud through your ear (or other places I guess). So, had to go and get a KitKat to get a hit of sugar before carrying on!
OW!
Okay, they really didn't hurt that much but I did feel it! Was grinning form ear to ear (not a good look for me) when the girl let me look at myself in the mirror - I was REALLY pleased :D Another little step!
More shopping followed, but in charity shops! This was the main destination as D is an excellent bargain hunter and shopper and, sure enough she found me quite alot of really nice stuff (in very good, almost mint, condition). In the end I got 4 new skirts and a long slinky dress that I seriously need to lose weight (and gain bust) to wear!
Also had a REALLY nice chat with the girl in Barnardo's: she was really curious about me and asked lots of questions which I said I was happy to answer. She was so nice and really interesting herself! She was so nice and had a fabulous outlook on life that it was a shame to leave the shop.
We had a bit of a break and a drink somewhere cool with aircon, the weather had turned from grey and cool to bright and sunny! Then we tackled Primark! Bought some new PJs, belts, jewelery (necklace and earring sets - can't wait until the 6-8 weeks are up and the studs can come out), and a purse or two! It was madness in there!
Finally headed back home under the weight of our purchases and G was really sweet and came an picked us up from the station. Few glasses of wine proceeded an early night!
Sunday was more chilled with us all going out to All Bar One in Cambridge for lunch and then both me and D driving up north, I was dropping her with her sister near Manchester. Since the weather had really got out (well if couldn't really make up it's mind actually but was still warm) I even wore a skirt, with sandals and no tights - usually I want to hide my legs a little but (after giving them a quick shave) decided to show them off a bit! Oh, also we had a little detour to Tescos and I got some new nail varnish (3 for 2 offer); red, tangerine and black (always wanted black).
So overall all a very tiring weekend but absolutely fantastic, we had so much fun and bought lots of things and got lots done! And now I best get back to doing some real work in order to pay for the trip!
First of all I took a BIG step: I went into work fully dressed and made-up. This was a huge thing todo and, apart from the obvious reasons, I was using the practical excuse that I was driving down to stay with D for the weekend and wanted to set off mid-afternoon directly from work to make life easier.
I'd talked to N at work about going in as Fiona and she had had a quick chat with people there and they had said they were fine with it. Also checked with my manager to make sure there were no customers in that I might distract! Took me a while to get ready in the morning, obviously very nervous, but once I got to work everything and everyone was fine. It really felt quite natural and my co-workers were amazingly understanding and accepting! Can't really express how thankful I am!
Anyway, a long drive down several motorways (with plenty of traffic jams) later and I arrived at D's house (SatNav got me straight there - isn't technology wonderful!). D's husband, G, wasn't in until later so we had chance for a good chat and catch up which was nice. G didn't bat an eyelid when he did come back and was totally fine with me as Fiona - well actually I stuck to my other name for the weekend, no need to complicate things just yet.
[ Aside: I'm pretty much 'out' in terms of my choice of name but really I can't say I've ever been that bothered about how I'm referred to, I find that in normal conversation names don't get used that much and I'm happy for people to continue referring to me by my other name which can, with different spelling, be female anyway. I will correct people on pronouns though! ]
Saturday was shopping day! Decided to wear black knee-high boots (2" heel, quite comfy even after walking some distance), Brown loose top, and fishnet tights - okay, that last bit sounds a bit over the top, but it wasn't; this were referred to as "body-shaper" tights in M&S, they are just the holey (fishnet) variety which meant they were cool to wear but still stopped my legs rubbing together painfully and also kept them looking as shapely as possible. Practical rather than sexy was what I was going for.
We had some fun getting into London due to buses replacing trains for part of the trip so didn't really make it in until going on 12 o'clock! Got some nice chinese food and then headed into the main shopping area of London, Oxford Street. Actually heading for Selfridges as that is where I wanted to get my ears pierced!
Arrived, queued up, got nervous, wondered if I was doing the right thing, more queuing, decided what studs to get (just tiny 3mm ones), more waiting and finally .... ah, there was a problem. Apparently you need to have eaten within the last hour so that it minimises the risk of you passing out when someone shoves a stud through your ear (or other places I guess). So, had to go and get a KitKat to get a hit of sugar before carrying on!
OW!
Okay, they really didn't hurt that much but I did feel it! Was grinning form ear to ear (not a good look for me) when the girl let me look at myself in the mirror - I was REALLY pleased :D Another little step!
More shopping followed, but in charity shops! This was the main destination as D is an excellent bargain hunter and shopper and, sure enough she found me quite alot of really nice stuff (in very good, almost mint, condition). In the end I got 4 new skirts and a long slinky dress that I seriously need to lose weight (and gain bust) to wear!
Also had a REALLY nice chat with the girl in Barnardo's: she was really curious about me and asked lots of questions which I said I was happy to answer. She was so nice and really interesting herself! She was so nice and had a fabulous outlook on life that it was a shame to leave the shop.
We had a bit of a break and a drink somewhere cool with aircon, the weather had turned from grey and cool to bright and sunny! Then we tackled Primark! Bought some new PJs, belts, jewelery (necklace and earring sets - can't wait until the 6-8 weeks are up and the studs can come out), and a purse or two! It was madness in there!
Finally headed back home under the weight of our purchases and G was really sweet and came an picked us up from the station. Few glasses of wine proceeded an early night!
Sunday was more chilled with us all going out to All Bar One in Cambridge for lunch and then both me and D driving up north, I was dropping her with her sister near Manchester. Since the weather had really got out (well if couldn't really make up it's mind actually but was still warm) I even wore a skirt, with sandals and no tights - usually I want to hide my legs a little but (after giving them a quick shave) decided to show them off a bit! Oh, also we had a little detour to Tescos and I got some new nail varnish (3 for 2 offer); red, tangerine and black (always wanted black).
So overall all a very tiring weekend but absolutely fantastic, we had so much fun and bought lots of things and got lots done! And now I best get back to doing some real work in order to pay for the trip!
Friday 1 August 2008
Pride goeth ...
... before a fall.
I've always tried to live by that saying and not get too carried away and proud of things because, from experience there is always something lurking in your future ready to knock you down again. So being humble and trying not to make outrageous claims is always something I've tried to do (not always that successfully I might add).
I had a reminder of this saying yesterday while talking to my Mum. Just to step back a little at first; I have achieved a few things recently and was feeling quite please with myself and had even posted on a forum that I didn't need counselling as I was quite happy and in no need of help in that respect. Several people suggested that counselling would be beneficial for me as well as family to get us through all of this. No, I didn't listen, I though everything would be fine.
I was wrong, so, so, wrong.
I talked to my Mum last night and mentioned about getting my ears pierced over the weekend which then obviously started us on the topic of my transformation. She said that my Dad was not dealing with this and would not accept it. He had been avoiding talking to me, and wouldn't answer the phone to me - well he would if he had to but avoided it.
I kind of guess that he wasn't happy but to have it spelled out like that was a shock.
I asked my Mum was she thought and she said she also wasn't happy and couldn't understand why I was doing this and felt that I had given up so much (family, son, etc) and thought that this was too high a price to pay. She felt that, as a parent, I should be giving up anything and everything for my son.
We talked some more and I tried to explain that this was me and I couldn't change that - I felt comfortable being dressed as a woman. I also tried to explain that there was more in the world than just the 'normal' things and that I felt this was an amazing thing. I also tried to explain that I could understand that the world was a cruel place and that I might not be accepted easily and that this may cause problems for my son and B, but on the other hand I felt that people should be tolerant and by me being open and honest about me I hoped that they would find it easier to understand.
I can't really think of more to write about this now, I feel it would just be waffle anyway. I'll think some more and add entries later when I've understood this more.
I think it's pretty clear that I really do need counselling because this is going to be way more complicated, confusing and painful than I could ever have imagined.
I've always tried to live by that saying and not get too carried away and proud of things because, from experience there is always something lurking in your future ready to knock you down again. So being humble and trying not to make outrageous claims is always something I've tried to do (not always that successfully I might add).
I had a reminder of this saying yesterday while talking to my Mum. Just to step back a little at first; I have achieved a few things recently and was feeling quite please with myself and had even posted on a forum that I didn't need counselling as I was quite happy and in no need of help in that respect. Several people suggested that counselling would be beneficial for me as well as family to get us through all of this. No, I didn't listen, I though everything would be fine.
I was wrong, so, so, wrong.
I talked to my Mum last night and mentioned about getting my ears pierced over the weekend which then obviously started us on the topic of my transformation. She said that my Dad was not dealing with this and would not accept it. He had been avoiding talking to me, and wouldn't answer the phone to me - well he would if he had to but avoided it.
I kind of guess that he wasn't happy but to have it spelled out like that was a shock.
I asked my Mum was she thought and she said she also wasn't happy and couldn't understand why I was doing this and felt that I had given up so much (family, son, etc) and thought that this was too high a price to pay. She felt that, as a parent, I should be giving up anything and everything for my son.
We talked some more and I tried to explain that this was me and I couldn't change that - I felt comfortable being dressed as a woman. I also tried to explain that there was more in the world than just the 'normal' things and that I felt this was an amazing thing. I also tried to explain that I could understand that the world was a cruel place and that I might not be accepted easily and that this may cause problems for my son and B, but on the other hand I felt that people should be tolerant and by me being open and honest about me I hoped that they would find it easier to understand.
I can't really think of more to write about this now, I feel it would just be waffle anyway. I'll think some more and add entries later when I've understood this more.
I think it's pretty clear that I really do need counselling because this is going to be way more complicated, confusing and painful than I could ever have imagined.
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