Packing and Panicing

Well, I'm now down at the hospital and my surgery is tommorrow at 8:00am! Not feeling too bad at the moment but I'm distracting myself lots from reality by watching movies and processing images! When I stop and think about what it coming up though I do get nervous.

Sunday consisted of what the title says in equal measure. I packed loads of stuff and tried to remember everything I needed to as well as trying to tidy the house ready for my return in a weeks time. It was all rather hectic and frantic.

I wanted to try and write something to my son as a "just in case note" (I'm sorry, I'm really scared by all this, never had an operation before and everything is going around in my head about it) but couldn't think what to write. There is so much I want to say to him, like I'm sorry I've put him through the past few years and how I wish it could have been different. I want to tell him he is such an amazing person to have dealt with it all so well and I am incredibly proud of him and love him so much.

I just want to get through tomorrow and the next few weeks/months of recovery so I can see my son again and we can get back to doing all the fun things we did together (need to plan another trip to Legoland).

I think I'm going to go back to watching films (and listening to the ridiculously loud and dangerous sounding wind outside - it's blowing a gale) as writing things about my son is really emotional at the moment.

I should also say a huge huge huge thank you to all of my fab friends that have been so supportive and just plain fantastic. I am very very luckly to know so many wonderful people and I really couldn't have go through what I have over the years without your help.

Right, time to watch another film, going to watch Paul I think as that is suitable silly and distracting :)

Counting and Caterpillars

This is slightly out of date now, but when I came up with the title for this blog post it was very relevant. And yes, it's been way too long since I updated this blog, particularly as I've had so much I could have written in it, both good and bad. Maybe I will get a chance to keep up the updates over the coming days, I certainly hope so.

To explain the title: I'm currently counting down the weeks, well now days, until I have surgery. I am not going to go into what I'm having done since I don't feel I want to disclose and discuss that. What is significant is that I've never had an operation before, well, not one where I have had a general anesthetic. Of all the times I have been in hospital before I have been pretty-much on edge and freaked out by the whole experience; I do not deal with medical stuff well at all.

I am pretty much completely petrified by the prospect of my operation, which is now, as I write this, less than a week away. I'm constantly going over it in my head and essentially worrying/fretting/thinking about it all the time to the point where it's making me dizzy sometimes. I suspect that this will only get worse the closer the actual date approaches. I'm normally fairly switched-on, quick-witted (well I like to think so), and vivacious, but I'm just so preoccupied that I'm none of those things at the moment. I can't concentrate on anything nor do I feel like doing that.

None of this is helped by the fact that, in preparation, I had to stop all medication which meant that I went slightly nuts for the first week or two until a temporary injection kicked in and restored the balance somewhat. Generally though I've not felt that good off my normal meds and while I'm sure it can be worse for others in a similar situation, I will be very glad to get back on track after my operation.

So, not a fun time, though certainly could have been worse and I'm equally definite that, if all goes well next week, this pain, and the discomfort ahead will be worth it in the end. I have to admit to some degree of excitment at getting things sorted out and the, hopefully, positive impact it will have on my life. I just have to get through the next few weeks and months and get myself back to normal, or, better than that in fact.

Oh, yes, the caterpillar thing: I spent a week or so not sleeping very well and constantly waking up feeling like I was wrapped in a pupa of bed sheet! Sadly I think there is no metaphor here; I'm not likely to emerge as a beautiful butterfly, but I'll be happy enough to be a more relaxed and together caterpillar :)

Minor operation

My son had to go into hospital today for a relatively minor operation on his thumb and wrist, nothing serious (was under general anaesthetic though) but obviously still something I wanted to be present for and thankfully B agreed to that.

I should first say that my son was, from my point of view, extremely brave. I personally have a terrible fear of hospitals and the thought of needles, being put under anaesthetic and even the procedures themselves really fill me with dread. But I don't have any frame of reference on which to base this fear, I've only ever had one operation and that was to remove a mole, which was probably on the same scale as having a tooth out but much less painful and uncomfortable!

My son does have some memories of the last time he was in hospital when he was 4 years old and had scalded skin syndrome which was, in itself, very uncomfortable and painful for him and wasn't helped by the difficulty that they had in getting a cannula in him to administer the antibiotics. I was in hospital for several days and it was pretty traumatic for B and myself and I guess left a lasting impression on him too.

Anyway, he was amazingly brave in the face of all of this and the operation went well and he was in recovery in less than an hour. He was a little tearful and B lay with him on the trolley, but at one point he did reach out to me and gave me a big hug and that was one of the most moving things ever - just to feel that he really wanted me there for that moment brought tears to my eyes.

This is the longest time that B and I have spent together since splitting up last year, and I know that seeing me and having me around wasn't easy. I did thank her for allowing me to be there, though I'm not sure I can put into words how grateful I am.

And ...

... she's back!

Had a brief IM chat to Lucy this morning! Pretty impressive to be back online so quickly ... though I guess it would be hard to keep me away from the internet after missing so many hours of online time!

She's reasonable comfortable (expecting the numb bum - sorry Lucy had to mention that) and in no real pain which sounds good (well amazing really!). Obviously still tired and didn't seem to the jump at the chance to update her own blog (bah!, no dedication lol) so a few more days before back to full strength and online presence.

Also apparently has to stay in the hospital bed for 5 days before being able to finally get up and move about. I suspect she will be going insane with boredom by then :D

Wish you a speedy recovery hun!