With one thing and another recently I've had quite alot going on and much to think about. While alot of the thinking has either been preoccupation with something that has been bothering me, or distraction to avoid such reality, I've also had a few moments of relative clarity.
Looking back I never could have imagined that my life would be as it is now. So much has changed in the past two and a bit years and it is hard to really see the huge changes completely objectively, for a start there are many things that I regret and that upset me; the distance from my son being the most obvious one.
I generally try to keep everything under control and avoid dwelling too much on the past, I guess the distractions, good and bad, of recent times have helped in that respect and I generally like to keep busy. Things do get past my defences though. A few weeks ago I received by decree absolute, something that I knew was on it's way and that really is only the final piece of paperwork to confirm the end of my marriage. I thought I was prepared for it, but I wasn't, it was still incredibly upsetting.
My son has a busy social life; I always joke that it is much better than mine which may actually be completely accurate (and not entirely a bad thing for him). But this means that he's often got more interesting things to do then spend time with me, or is not available to talk. This really, really is fine and perfectly normal, I so want him to be getting on with things and enjoying himself, I don't want to stand in the way of that. I still can't help being a little upset by it sometimes. I guess this is a purely selfish reaction on my part but nevertheless it's something else I try not to think about.
There are many other aspects of my life and the journey I have taken to get here that I am reflecting on at the moment. One of the reasons for thinking a little deeper than my usual superficial silliness is that I have an appointment in a few weeks for a second opinion from a specialist. I'm likely to be going over all of the same questions that I have been asked before and explaining how I feel and who I am, so naturally this has made me cover the same mental ground as well. The second opinion will hopefully be what helps me move onto the next step in this process, for example, I'll be able to apply for my GRC (Gender Recognition Certificate).
So, lots to think about, not all bad, some of it is even interesting and also surprising but there are also those bits that really will always remain as regrets, albeit, tempered with recognition of how lucky I am and a degree of pragmatism that things can get better :)
Showing posts with label doctors. Show all posts
Showing posts with label doctors. Show all posts
Thursday, 3 February 2011
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
Squeak Squeak!
First of all I should say I'm fine, all clear and nothing to worry about. Now, to explain what I have actually been worrying about over the past month: I found a lump in my breast.
I am terrible with anything medical-related, I am a total hypochondriac and am also pretty much nervous/scared of hospitals and lots of things associated with them, e.g. I *hate* needles. So when I found a lump I obviously thought the worst and got quite worried (understatement) about it, enough to get me to book an appointment with my GP.
My the GP was fab (I should say all GPs I have ever had/seen have been fab, I'm sure it's part of the job description) and after my burbled explanation had a bit of a prod around and declared that it was likely that I had a "breast mouse"! I believe that the more formal, medical description is fibroid adanoma (excuse spelling or medical inaccuracy here).
[ I would provide a link to some information about this but I'm not going to searching Google as I'll only likely find something else that might freak me out - if anyone has any good links (Jen, you had one :) ) please post them in the comments for others to find/use ]
Anyway, I was assured that this is perfectly benign and nothing to worry about but, as a precaution my GP referred me to the breast screening clinic to get it checked out. I was obviously quite pleased to know it was nothing bad and promptly forgot about it until I got the letter asking me to book an appointment - the NHS now have this choose and book service; not the worlds most swish website but it works really well and is a fantastic system (Note to NHS IT department: honestly the website is fine, please don't try and modernise it and put swishy AJAX and things in it'll just complicate matters :) )
I finally sat down to book the appointment on Sunday and got it for 10:10 this morning - and there were plenty of other alternatives as well. I guess this may not be the same for busier hospitals but it's still fantastic being able to choose days and times.
Very nervous and distracted this morning, in fact have been since I booked the appointment - obviously thinking about things too much (ignorance really is bliss sometimes, for some of us anyway). Got there in time and parked (that's a miracle for most hospitals! Wish they wouldn't charge for parking or at least make it easier to pay - "No Change Given" pay and display is a bit cumbersome).
I got seen by the consultant within, what seemed like only 10mins of getting there. Explained everything about the lump, the hormones I take, other pills (spironolactone in my case), and how far I am with transition. He then had a bit of a prod around (as did the medical student with him: really does anyone ever say "no" when asked if a student can be present, I always say yes immediately and dismiss the question) and confirmed that it felt like a "mouse" or possibly a cyst. Said I'd have to have an ultrasound to check and then they may have to stick a big needle in my breast (he phrased this alot better/kinder than I just did!).
Waited again for a very short period of time before getting the ultrasound, the doctor doing that said almost immediately that it was instead a cyst, nothing to worry about, probably didn't need the needle and was all fine. Phew!
Had to wait again for her to write a report on this and then for me to see the consultant again. Really not long waiting at all, or didn't feel it anyway :)
Consultant said that they *could* use the needle, then quickly said there was no need to, remembering my earlier comments about that procedure! He suggested that given my age (he did actually get it wrong and knocked 5yrs off me - that really cheered me up) cysts were normal and that also, because my hormones were all over the place at the end of last year (I was trying out gel then panicing and going back to patches) that this would also explain their development. Apparently menopausal women can develop cysts due to their hormones fluctuating. So, no need to go back, unless I want the cyst removed (I don't, have plenty of other lumps/bumps and blemishes and in no rush to have anything removed that isn't going to hurt me) so all clear.
Every single doctor/nurse there was fantastic; they were so lovely and reassuring and chatty and the whole visit took only an hour and a half in total, and as I said, it felt quicker and they really went through the packed waiting room very quickly (only two people there when I left).
Really, the NHS is fantastic! I know people complain about it and I'm sure there are cases where things are less than perfect but I am more than happy with the service I've got on the, thankfully, relatively rare, occasions I've needed to see anyone.
Anyway, I learnt a few things today: 1) even though you are desperate to get out of the hospital it might have been a good idea to nip into the toilets and put your bra back on (bouncy boobs not ideal on half-sprint back to car lol) 2) don't muck around with your hormones! Will be sticking to prescribed patches and regime from now on, nice and stable is best.
Me and the mouse are going to get some lunch now, "squeak" :)
I am terrible with anything medical-related, I am a total hypochondriac and am also pretty much nervous/scared of hospitals and lots of things associated with them, e.g. I *hate* needles. So when I found a lump I obviously thought the worst and got quite worried (understatement) about it, enough to get me to book an appointment with my GP.
My the GP was fab (I should say all GPs I have ever had/seen have been fab, I'm sure it's part of the job description) and after my burbled explanation had a bit of a prod around and declared that it was likely that I had a "breast mouse"! I believe that the more formal, medical description is fibroid adanoma (excuse spelling or medical inaccuracy here).
[ I would provide a link to some information about this but I'm not going to searching Google as I'll only likely find something else that might freak me out - if anyone has any good links (Jen, you had one :) ) please post them in the comments for others to find/use ]
Anyway, I was assured that this is perfectly benign and nothing to worry about but, as a precaution my GP referred me to the breast screening clinic to get it checked out. I was obviously quite pleased to know it was nothing bad and promptly forgot about it until I got the letter asking me to book an appointment - the NHS now have this choose and book service; not the worlds most swish website but it works really well and is a fantastic system (Note to NHS IT department: honestly the website is fine, please don't try and modernise it and put swishy AJAX and things in it'll just complicate matters :) )
I finally sat down to book the appointment on Sunday and got it for 10:10 this morning - and there were plenty of other alternatives as well. I guess this may not be the same for busier hospitals but it's still fantastic being able to choose days and times.
Very nervous and distracted this morning, in fact have been since I booked the appointment - obviously thinking about things too much (ignorance really is bliss sometimes, for some of us anyway). Got there in time and parked (that's a miracle for most hospitals! Wish they wouldn't charge for parking or at least make it easier to pay - "No Change Given" pay and display is a bit cumbersome).
I got seen by the consultant within, what seemed like only 10mins of getting there. Explained everything about the lump, the hormones I take, other pills (spironolactone in my case), and how far I am with transition. He then had a bit of a prod around (as did the medical student with him: really does anyone ever say "no" when asked if a student can be present, I always say yes immediately and dismiss the question) and confirmed that it felt like a "mouse" or possibly a cyst. Said I'd have to have an ultrasound to check and then they may have to stick a big needle in my breast (he phrased this alot better/kinder than I just did!).
Waited again for a very short period of time before getting the ultrasound, the doctor doing that said almost immediately that it was instead a cyst, nothing to worry about, probably didn't need the needle and was all fine. Phew!
Had to wait again for her to write a report on this and then for me to see the consultant again. Really not long waiting at all, or didn't feel it anyway :)
Consultant said that they *could* use the needle, then quickly said there was no need to, remembering my earlier comments about that procedure! He suggested that given my age (he did actually get it wrong and knocked 5yrs off me - that really cheered me up) cysts were normal and that also, because my hormones were all over the place at the end of last year (I was trying out gel then panicing and going back to patches) that this would also explain their development. Apparently menopausal women can develop cysts due to their hormones fluctuating. So, no need to go back, unless I want the cyst removed (I don't, have plenty of other lumps/bumps and blemishes and in no rush to have anything removed that isn't going to hurt me) so all clear.
Every single doctor/nurse there was fantastic; they were so lovely and reassuring and chatty and the whole visit took only an hour and a half in total, and as I said, it felt quicker and they really went through the packed waiting room very quickly (only two people there when I left).
Really, the NHS is fantastic! I know people complain about it and I'm sure there are cases where things are less than perfect but I am more than happy with the service I've got on the, thankfully, relatively rare, occasions I've needed to see anyone.
Anyway, I learnt a few things today: 1) even though you are desperate to get out of the hospital it might have been a good idea to nip into the toilets and put your bra back on (bouncy boobs not ideal on half-sprint back to car lol) 2) don't muck around with your hormones! Will be sticking to prescribed patches and regime from now on, nice and stable is best.
Me and the mouse are going to get some lunch now, "squeak" :)
Tuesday, 23 March 2010
Envy and Pride
Last week I had an appointment with the GIC in Leeds. Technically most of my treatment and progress so far has been due to taking the 'private' route but I do get medication on prescription and, as my whole transition is a fairly big deal, I've always thought it's worth getting any help that is available, hence why I'm also progressing down the NHS care pathway as well.
This appointment with the specialist forms one of the six sessions I must attend before I can be referred to an endocrinologist, yes, I know it is rather late for that given I've been on hormones for over a year now but that is the process that has to be followed. In fairness the specialist did acknowledge that, while steps can't be skipped, they can be shortened. It was quite nice being told that I was somewhat ahead in terms of progress, which is one of the reasons to mention pride.
Before going into pride a little more I think I should cover envy. There was another TS woman there, in the waiting room, just before I went into see the specialist, and I also saw her when I left, she was outside smoking. We didn't talk so I've no idea what her situation was or what she thought of me but I did notice that she looked me up and down when we passed on my way out. I thought at the time that is was a rather jealous look, I was further ahead on my transition that she was, I was wandering around without any apparent problem in my 'new' gender.
I guess the problem with me assuming someone is envious of me, particularly for trans reasons is that, not only am I judging them to be, in ways in need of being jealous of me, but that I'm in some way so much better. And I think that's the scary thing, if you are too proud you're at risk of a big fall ("pride goeth before a fall") but you almost have to be to believe that you are making progress.
I think it's a fine line between confidence and self-assurance and simply being too proud and looking down on others. I can't say that I've got the balance right myself and I suspect that it down to my own lack of confidence and lingering insecurities. There is maybe less for me to be proud of, but also less for anyone else to be jealous of as well.
This appointment with the specialist forms one of the six sessions I must attend before I can be referred to an endocrinologist, yes, I know it is rather late for that given I've been on hormones for over a year now but that is the process that has to be followed. In fairness the specialist did acknowledge that, while steps can't be skipped, they can be shortened. It was quite nice being told that I was somewhat ahead in terms of progress, which is one of the reasons to mention pride.
Before going into pride a little more I think I should cover envy. There was another TS woman there, in the waiting room, just before I went into see the specialist, and I also saw her when I left, she was outside smoking. We didn't talk so I've no idea what her situation was or what she thought of me but I did notice that she looked me up and down when we passed on my way out. I thought at the time that is was a rather jealous look, I was further ahead on my transition that she was, I was wandering around without any apparent problem in my 'new' gender.
I guess the problem with me assuming someone is envious of me, particularly for trans reasons is that, not only am I judging them to be, in ways in need of being jealous of me, but that I'm in some way so much better. And I think that's the scary thing, if you are too proud you're at risk of a big fall ("pride goeth before a fall") but you almost have to be to believe that you are making progress.
I think it's a fine line between confidence and self-assurance and simply being too proud and looking down on others. I can't say that I've got the balance right myself and I suspect that it down to my own lack of confidence and lingering insecurities. There is maybe less for me to be proud of, but also less for anyone else to be jealous of as well.
Saturday, 5 December 2009
GIC
As well as seeing a private specialist I also got a referral from my G.P. in Chorley to the NHS Gender Identity Clinic in Leeds. Contrary to alot of the reports I read on various forums, it is quite possible and acceptable to go for the shared-care approach rather than having to be limited to only private or only NHS treatment.
So I had my first appointment on Thursday, not actually too far from where I live and not in the middle of Leeds or anything (as I feared) so easy to get to as well. Of course it was a nightmare to park as seems to be the case with all hospitals I've been to (Gordon Brown, here's an idea for all those Banker's bonuses, pay for more parking and let the Nurses and staff park for free).
The appointment was very informal, just the start of the process and really a chance to talk about my history which I did at great speed with many tangents and diversions - I really must learn to slow down and stick to a point! Anyway all seemed to go well and I have another appointment in January to look forward to.
It may not seem like a particularly fast process but I guess the point about alot of the treatment is that there has to be checks to make sure it really is the right thing and also you have to allow time to adjust both physically and mentally to the various changes you go through. Of course it never does seem fast enough, but as long as you get there in the end.
So I had my first appointment on Thursday, not actually too far from where I live and not in the middle of Leeds or anything (as I feared) so easy to get to as well. Of course it was a nightmare to park as seems to be the case with all hospitals I've been to (Gordon Brown, here's an idea for all those Banker's bonuses, pay for more parking and let the Nurses and staff park for free).
The appointment was very informal, just the start of the process and really a chance to talk about my history which I did at great speed with many tangents and diversions - I really must learn to slow down and stick to a point! Anyway all seemed to go well and I have another appointment in January to look forward to.
It may not seem like a particularly fast process but I guess the point about alot of the treatment is that there has to be checks to make sure it really is the right thing and also you have to allow time to adjust both physically and mentally to the various changes you go through. Of course it never does seem fast enough, but as long as you get there in the end.
Friday, 28 August 2009
Six hundred and twenty seven!
Doesn't really have the same ring as "One hundred and eighty!" but this number has much more significance to me: this was the oestrogen level in my latest blood test results!
Strangely the testosterone level is sticking resolutely around 2.0, it's only been as far down as 1.7 so I'm assuming that it's not really going to budge much now which is fine as it's in the middle of the acceptable female range.
One thing to bear in mind with the oestrogen level is that this is just over 24hrs after applying new patches so I would guess the average level is going to be a bit lower. It does help explain why, over the past few days I've felt a little discombobulated - I'd forgotten to change my patches (left it nearly 5 days!) so my levels would have been very low compared to this peak value.
Anyway, it seems that all other levels are normal so I should be fine to continue on with the medication I've got and let the hormones do their work.
Strangely the testosterone level is sticking resolutely around 2.0, it's only been as far down as 1.7 so I'm assuming that it's not really going to budge much now which is fine as it's in the middle of the acceptable female range.
One thing to bear in mind with the oestrogen level is that this is just over 24hrs after applying new patches so I would guess the average level is going to be a bit lower. It does help explain why, over the past few days I've felt a little discombobulated - I'd forgotten to change my patches (left it nearly 5 days!) so my levels would have been very low compared to this peak value.
Anyway, it seems that all other levels are normal so I should be fine to continue on with the medication I've got and let the hormones do their work.
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
The Drug Weather Report
(the title of the post is inspired by, i.e. plagarised from, a sketch of the same name by the comedy group Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie - also on Wikipedia)
I won't even attempt to be as funny as the aforementioned sketch as this is simply an update on what I'm taking at the moment.
A week or so ago I went to see my GP to update her on my latest trip to Dr Curtis (I'm essentially acting as a post-woman in delivering the letter from him to her) and also to get prescriptions for more hormones and the spironolactone as well. No problems in getting these though my GP suggested a blood test after a week rather than the month that Dr Curtis had mentioned just as a precaution since this drug can increase potassium levels quite alot and that is a risk factor (anyone considering self-medication take note!).
Anyway I've been on the spironolactone for over a week now and haven't really noticed any significant affects, good or bad, though obviously the positive changes do take some time to happen. From what I read the drug can take over two weeks to actually start to act so it's early days yet. Should get my blood results next week which should hopefully provide some reassurance that it's not having any negative affect.
Oh, I should also mention that one of the affects of this drug is to lower blood pressure, mine is actually quite low anyway (my Dad has actually suffered some problems because of this) so that obviously something to keep an eye on.
I won't even attempt to be as funny as the aforementioned sketch as this is simply an update on what I'm taking at the moment.
A week or so ago I went to see my GP to update her on my latest trip to Dr Curtis (I'm essentially acting as a post-woman in delivering the letter from him to her) and also to get prescriptions for more hormones and the spironolactone as well. No problems in getting these though my GP suggested a blood test after a week rather than the month that Dr Curtis had mentioned just as a precaution since this drug can increase potassium levels quite alot and that is a risk factor (anyone considering self-medication take note!).
Anyway I've been on the spironolactone for over a week now and haven't really noticed any significant affects, good or bad, though obviously the positive changes do take some time to happen. From what I read the drug can take over two weeks to actually start to act so it's early days yet. Should get my blood results next week which should hopefully provide some reassurance that it's not having any negative affect.
Oh, I should also mention that one of the affects of this drug is to lower blood pressure, mine is actually quite low anyway (my Dad has actually suffered some problems because of this) so that obviously something to keep an eye on.
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Hormone update
Just a quick post to mention about the treatment I'm on just in case anyone is curious.
After seeing Dr Curtis on Monday my medication is changing a little; my estrogen level was a little low and I did mention my concern that the patches might not be as effective in this heat and with me cycling and therefore perspiring (yeah I know, "sweating" really) a bit.
The suggestion was to stick the patches on my lower back below the waistline which I'm going to start trying next week though do still prefer them stuck at the front where I feel they probably get more blood-flow - will experiement.
Also I'm not to change the patches every 3 days so as to keep the dosage up at a higher level (hopefully). My tests in February had a level of 25o or so for estrogen, 2 days after applying a patch. This last time it was 173 but that was 1 day before I was due to change the patches.
I'm also going to start on 100mg of spironolactone which is an anti-androgen. Given my levels so far there may not be a need for this (my testosterone count was low anyway) but I felt that I wasn't getting the development/changes I would have expected so thought I would like to try this. It's possible that this drug will make no difference, any change may have been likely to happen with the hormones alone.
Just a note about self-medicating. I guess anyone reading this blog could take the information on dosage I have given and apply it to themselves (I actually found it really difficult to find suggested treatments when I did a search to compare what I am on to what others take).
I would strongly suggest that you DON'T do this! Everyone is different and while this dosage may be fine for me and even others (it's comparable to what my friends have taken) it's not guarenteed. If you get this wrong you could be risking your health and life. Much better to at least have your GP on-board so that you can have the relevant blood-tests (which is what I do) to check everything is okay.
After seeing Dr Curtis on Monday my medication is changing a little; my estrogen level was a little low and I did mention my concern that the patches might not be as effective in this heat and with me cycling and therefore perspiring (yeah I know, "sweating" really) a bit.
The suggestion was to stick the patches on my lower back below the waistline which I'm going to start trying next week though do still prefer them stuck at the front where I feel they probably get more blood-flow - will experiement.
Also I'm not to change the patches every 3 days so as to keep the dosage up at a higher level (hopefully). My tests in February had a level of 25o or so for estrogen, 2 days after applying a patch. This last time it was 173 but that was 1 day before I was due to change the patches.
I'm also going to start on 100mg of spironolactone which is an anti-androgen. Given my levels so far there may not be a need for this (my testosterone count was low anyway) but I felt that I wasn't getting the development/changes I would have expected so thought I would like to try this. It's possible that this drug will make no difference, any change may have been likely to happen with the hormones alone.
Just a note about self-medicating. I guess anyone reading this blog could take the information on dosage I have given and apply it to themselves (I actually found it really difficult to find suggested treatments when I did a search to compare what I am on to what others take).
I would strongly suggest that you DON'T do this! Everyone is different and while this dosage may be fine for me and even others (it's comparable to what my friends have taken) it's not guarenteed. If you get this wrong you could be risking your health and life. Much better to at least have your GP on-board so that you can have the relevant blood-tests (which is what I do) to check everything is okay.
Wednesday, 3 September 2008
Yesterday
Here's a quick summary of the journey there are back, just for completeness:
I was quite nervous going into see Dr Curtis, I'd thought of all sorts of things to say but when it came to it I just burbled incoherently (as usual). I was a bit thrown by the initial open question which was "What can I do to help you?". Anyway, we discussed a bit about my history, both basic things like family and obviously my gender issues.
I won't go into the nitty-gritty of all the questions and things that we went through but at the end of it all there is no real conclusion or fixed diagnosis which I didn't expect but still it felt like a bit of an anti-climax when it didn't appear. However, looking at it another way, GID is self-diagnosed, my thoughts, feelings and actions and more importantly my decisions will dictate what treatment I need, which in some ways is better as it gives me a degree of control and time to think things through.
A few things were discussed such as counselling and voice coaching and I need to look into these soon. Also I need to talk to my GP about what is going on.
Most importantly I need to decide what I want to do and how to progress. Following the means that there are essentially two options, 3months of counselling or the same period of real life experience (RLE), the latter including change of name etc. After successful completion of either of these then treatment (if necessary) can proceed.
So, I'm left with lots of big decisions and lots of possibilities and I think I'll leave it until I've got my thoughts in order a little more before I say anything else about that!
Overall a good day though and another step along the way I guess.
- Train delayed from Chorley to Manchester because of "cable theft"!!
- Missed my 9:15am train so had to get the 9:45am instead (not too bad really).
- Nice comfy trip down on one of those Pendalino trains (we passed one named "Penny the Pendalino")
- London Underground was busy, noisy and smelly as ever but worked fine
- On the trip back I managed to get on an earlier train ...
- ... which was then delayed because of "Youths placing things on the track near Coventry" (if any of said "Youths" are reading this: Thanks you inconsiderate morons!
- Missed my connection to Chorley so had to wait at Manchester for 20mins followed by a further 40mins at Bolton (on freezing cold platforms, me with no coat and with all waiting rooms closed!).
- Finally got back to Chorley to be greeted with howling winds and lashing rain!
- Got into bed around 11:40 in the end - rather tired today!
I was quite nervous going into see Dr Curtis, I'd thought of all sorts of things to say but when it came to it I just burbled incoherently (as usual). I was a bit thrown by the initial open question which was "What can I do to help you?". Anyway, we discussed a bit about my history, both basic things like family and obviously my gender issues.
I won't go into the nitty-gritty of all the questions and things that we went through but at the end of it all there is no real conclusion or fixed diagnosis which I didn't expect but still it felt like a bit of an anti-climax when it didn't appear. However, looking at it another way, GID is self-diagnosed, my thoughts, feelings and actions and more importantly my decisions will dictate what treatment I need, which in some ways is better as it gives me a degree of control and time to think things through.
A few things were discussed such as counselling and voice coaching and I need to look into these soon. Also I need to talk to my GP about what is going on.
Most importantly I need to decide what I want to do and how to progress. Following the means that there are essentially two options, 3months of counselling or the same period of real life experience (RLE), the latter including change of name etc. After successful completion of either of these then treatment (if necessary) can proceed.
So, I'm left with lots of big decisions and lots of possibilities and I think I'll leave it until I've got my thoughts in order a little more before I say anything else about that!
Overall a good day though and another step along the way I guess.
Tuesday, 1 July 2008
Doctor calls
Just a little bit of news on the referral front, my doctor was very considerate today and gave me a quick call just to let me know that he was waiting to talk to someone over in Cheshire about me as she (I was happy to hear it was a she, a male doctor would have been fine but I'm better talking to women) was apparently an expert in this area and should know who I should be talking to.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
