Beginning to wonder ...

... whether my naive view that people would consider me on my skills and experience rather than the fact that I'm transgendered and look like some weird, ugly, freak, was just too optimistic.

I've had several rejections after face-to-face interviews now and, while there was only one incident where someone clearly could not hide their shock at seeing me, the lack of any feedback at all, or fairly lack-lustre reasoning, is making me think that I'm at a disadvantage because of my appearance and gender (well the trans nature of it).

While I can understand that companies are sifting through lots of CVs and conducting many interviews, I do think it is extremely rude and unhelpful to not provide any feedback at all, particularly as, in my case, I have travelled a great distance to get to some of the locations (and done it several times). I personally would obviously benefit a great deal from feedback as it has been a long time since I interviewed and my situation then was alot different.

As I said, I do recognise that the bad manners approach of not providing feedback, or even giving someone a definitive "no" and simple reason why they haven't been successful, is something that seems to apply in alot of cases, but I really can't help thinking that there may be that extra reason for me; "Frankly we think you're a weirdo and you'd upset/confuse/frighten too many people here so we don't want to hire you". Sounds extreme but given the number of looks I get from the general populace it's hardly an unsurprising view to suspect.

I'm not asking for special treatment or any amount of positive discrimination here, I'm very much against that as it's simply patronising and self-defeating. But some consideration for what I've gone through over the past few years would be appreciated, as well as allowances made for that fact that my self-confidence has taken a hammering would also be most helpful.

Being trans does not affect my ability to do my job, in some ways quite the contrary. However, I'm beginning to suspect that it does quite significantly affect my ability to get a job in the first place.

[ Update: Two points to make here. The comments above in no way apply to my current employer, and I should also state that one of the companies that I was indirectly criticising were not being rude but simply slow, they have actually returned with feedback. One final point as well; I don't name companies I've had dealings with here, that would be unfair, and I certainly don't publish who I work for! Also see the disclaimer at the top - my opinions here remember ]

Staring and not looking

For a combination of reasons I have recently been noticing more how people look at me or, in fact, stare in many cases. I'm not sure that anyone can really appreciate how this feels if you haven't experienced it yourself. It's constant as well, not something that can be turned off. People will stare. I can almost guarantee that at least one person will gawp at me when I go out.

Sometimes people whisper, or laugh, or even pass comment out of ear-shot. I guess later they also gossip and tell stories of their encounter with the 'tranny' or 'weirdo' or maybe they feign sympathy and talk to their friends how terrible it must be and how sorry for me they feel. Maybe some will look it up on the internet and, search-engine-willing, find something informative that at least tries to help them understand.

On the other extreme there is my Dad. He refuses to look at all. I haven't seen him face-to-face in over a year. I guess that isn't too unusual given modern life, people can easily be separated by great distance such that they may not meet for years. In those cases people exchange calls, messages, e-mails, videos even, and of course photos. My Dad refused point blank to look at photos of his grandson because there were also one or two that contained me.

I don't think I can ever understand how my parents, family, or others really feel about me, I can barely express how this affects me, let alone them. The word "hurt" doesn't really cover it. Sometimes it feels like I'm completely surrounded by the pressure of disappointment, hurt, upset, fear, and confusion. I wish sometimes that those staring at me could have that explained to them, and maybe even shown what it feels like briefly so they would at least know how their actions contribute to my pain and suffering.

Snapped

I shouldn't have done it and I feel terribly guilty now but I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later and in particular now when I am feeling a bit (understatement) self-concious and not happy with how I look/feel/am/etc.

I may have mentioned that my usual approach for dealing with people looking at me is to just let them look. Most only glance and then don't bother to look again, others do seem to need a longer look but, on the whole, don't seem to be doing this in a malicious way so I try not to make them feel uncomfortable and I look away so they have a chance to see that I am perfectly harmless and 'normal'.

There are some people that do stare too long and sometimes I will look back to kinda make a point or I'll mumble something to myself after they have passed - usually something derogatory; I reason that anyway who has to be rude and stare that long is either not a very nice person or stupid.

Anyway, I was feeling a bit self-concious today and also was doing things which have lots of 'old' memories associated with them; going to Ikea and the Chinese super-market (yeah I know, I have a bizarre memory for things). I had a few incidences of whispering and pointing in Ikea, and I stared back quite pointedly at one young guy since he seemed to be staring way too long. He did look away and Idid think that if he looked back I was going to pout or blow him a kiss or something but thankfully the occasion never arose.

Also noticed a bit of staring in the Chinese supermarket but also there was a guy there who acted in a very polite and well-mannered way so I guess that balanced out - and I wasn't in there long so didn't really let anything bother me. Oh I should say as well that there was a girl in Ikea who I asked for help to find something and she was really nice and helpful and even told me how to go against the direction of the arrows on the floor (I think the bizarre Ikea shopping experience deserves it's own blog post, if I go again I'll come up with more words on the subject).

Anyway, got to the Trafford Centre and felt a little on edge as the place seemed to be full of kids - and not the nice cute kind, the annoying teenage variety that seem to wander around in groups and act all tough/cocky/stupid. Actually there were some groups of kids who seemed to be quite young, maybe some were not even teenagers yet. I may be an over-protective parent but I wouldn't let my son wander around the Trafford Centre on his own, unsupervised like that!

Anyway, didn't get that much attention but to spot a few people staring and did try desperately to ignore it until finally a group of girls whispered, pointed, and then doubled-back to have another look and, as I turned to walk away from the window I was looking at I ran straight into a full on stare from this young girl. And I snapped.

"You shouldn't stare, it's not nice"

Not exactly witty and not really how I wanted to handle the situation. Also I think, of the group of three, she seemed to be the youngest (maybe 12 if that) and least childish. I think I probably scared her a bit by even saying something to her.

And it was wrong to snap. I know being trans means you have to deal with an awful lot and sometimes it does get too much and there are plenty of times when you really just want to turn round and make a comment, or shout, scream, or do something! But, I still think, if at all possible, you need to just try and be a good example. Screaming, shouting, and making a fuss isn't going to make any difference or if it does then it might be negative rather than doing some good.

Trying to carry on as normal is, I believe, the only way to go. Unfortunately that is an incredibly hard thing to do, though really it's just another piece of hell to throw into the whole trans life and relatively no different to everything else.

And I guess that is the lesson from today, even someone like me who is, as my friends will atest, infruiatingly understanding and calm about everything and everyone, even I can snap because really there is so much, for want of a better word, shit that you have to deal with. It's also worth bearing in mind that there isn't an 'easy' or 'lucky' way to go through this, it's hell no matter what, the only difference is how well you can hide all that from everyone else.