Envy and Pride

Last week I had an appointment with the GIC in Leeds. Technically most of my treatment and progress so far has been due to taking the 'private' route but I do get medication on prescription and, as my whole transition is a fairly big deal, I've always thought it's worth getting any help that is available, hence why I'm also progressing down the NHS care pathway as well.

This appointment with the specialist forms one of the six sessions I must attend before I can be referred to an endocrinologist, yes, I know it is rather late for that given I've been on hormones for over a year now but that is the process that has to be followed. In fairness the specialist did acknowledge that, while steps can't be skipped, they can be shortened. It was quite nice being told that I was somewhat ahead in terms of progress, which is one of the reasons to mention pride.

Before going into pride a little more I think I should cover envy. There was another TS woman there, in the waiting room, just before I went into see the specialist, and I also saw her when I left, she was outside smoking. We didn't talk so I've no idea what her situation was or what she thought of me but I did notice that she looked me up and down when we passed on my way out. I thought at the time that is was a rather jealous look, I was further ahead on my transition that she was, I was wandering around without any apparent problem in my 'new' gender.

I guess the problem with me assuming someone is envious of me, particularly for trans reasons is that, not only am I judging them to be, in ways in need of being jealous of me, but that I'm in some way so much better. And I think that's the scary thing, if you are too proud you're at risk of a big fall ("pride goeth before a fall") but you almost have to be to believe that you are making progress.

I think it's a fine line between confidence and self-assurance and simply being too proud and looking down on others. I can't say that I've got the balance right myself and I suspect that it down to my own lack of confidence and lingering insecurities. There is maybe less for me to be proud of, but also less for anyone else to be jealous of as well.

GIC

As well as seeing a private specialist I also got a referral from my G.P. in Chorley to the NHS Gender Identity Clinic in Leeds. Contrary to alot of the reports I read on various forums, it is quite possible and acceptable to go for the shared-care approach rather than having to be limited to only private or only NHS treatment.

So I had my first appointment on Thursday, not actually too far from where I live and not in the middle of Leeds or anything (as I feared) so easy to get to as well. Of course it was a nightmare to park as seems to be the case with all hospitals I've been to (Gordon Brown, here's an idea for all those Banker's bonuses, pay for more parking and let the Nurses and staff park for free).

The appointment was very informal, just the start of the process and really a chance to talk about my history which I did at great speed with many tangents and diversions - I really must learn to slow down and stick to a point! Anyway all seemed to go well and I have another appointment in January to look forward to.

It may not seem like a particularly fast process but I guess the point about alot of the treatment is that there has to be checks to make sure it really is the right thing and also you have to allow time to adjust both physically and mentally to the various changes you go through. Of course it never does seem fast enough, but as long as you get there in the end.

One pill too many

I'm posting this mainly as a reminder to myself that it happened and when (really must get a diary for this kind of thing instead).

I was counting the number of spiro pills that I have left today (need to pick up prescription today for more) and I've realised I've taken one too many this week. OR I've lost one, possibly on the other strip of 14 that I threw away a few weeks ago.

I'm racking my brain to try and remember when I might have taken an extra pill. Certainly not Monday or Tuesday as I took them at work after eating breakfast there and that is pretty much my routine time - take certirazine (for hayfever) first thing when I get up, then get to work, have breakfast and take spiro.

I've worked at home the rest of the week so my routine has been mixed up a bit - it's very easy to start doing things on the laptop before getting the basics like breakfast out of the way on the grounds that this is more efficient as long-running tasks can be set off.

I think Wednesday I took certirazine & spiro together ... hmmm, but I also remember taking spiro late in the morning, maybe that was when I took two. Thursday (yesterday) I think I was a little more organised, also changed patches as well so think I had pills under control also. Then again, I was really hungry and thirsty yesterday and a bit light-headed as well as being late to bed the night before.

I'm not going to take spiro today, just in case, I'll let what is in my system level off.

I think I'm more freaked out that I could accidentally take too much and that I can't remember doing it. I hate feeling that I don't know what I'm doing or that I could make such a mistake. That's more worrying to me than the possible side-affects of taking too much. Although, rather annoyingly, the side-affects of the drug include "mental confusion" so it could be contributing to me not keeping track!

Hormone update

Just a quick post to mention about the treatment I'm on just in case anyone is curious.

After seeing Dr Curtis on Monday my medication is changing a little; my estrogen level was a little low and I did mention my concern that the patches might not be as effective in this heat and with me cycling and therefore perspiring (yeah I know, "sweating" really) a bit.

The suggestion was to stick the patches on my lower back below the waistline which I'm going to start trying next week though do still prefer them stuck at the front where I feel they probably get more blood-flow - will experiement.

Also I'm not to change the patches every 3 days so as to keep the dosage up at a higher level (hopefully). My tests in February had a level of 25o or so for estrogen, 2 days after applying a patch. This last time it was 173 but that was 1 day before I was due to change the patches.

I'm also going to start on 100mg of spironolactone which is an anti-androgen. Given my levels so far there may not be a need for this (my testosterone count was low anyway) but I felt that I wasn't getting the development/changes I would have expected so thought I would like to try this. It's possible that this drug will make no difference, any change may have been likely to happen with the hormones alone.

Just a note about self-medicating. I guess anyone reading this blog could take the information on dosage I have given and apply it to themselves (I actually found it really difficult to find suggested treatments when I did a search to compare what I am on to what others take).

I would strongly suggest that you DON'T do this! Everyone is different and while this dosage may be fine for me and even others (it's comparable to what my friends have taken) it's not guarenteed. If you get this wrong you could be risking your health and life. Much better to at least have your GP on-board so that you can have the relevant blood-tests (which is what I do) to check everything is okay.