Snow Fair!

I love snow and I've been saying it would be great to have more so that everything feels all Christmassy and magical. Well, as they say, be careful what you wish for: York, like alot of the country, is now blessed with an over-abundance of snow and as well as the mayhem it's causing for everyone else it could also wreck my plans for the coming weekend which was meant to be one of the most important in my life.

I mentioned previously that I'd been talking more openly with my Dad and that there was a distinct possibility that we may meet up soon, well, that was (is?) this weekend! Both my parents were planning on coming over and also bringing my son for a visit also! I do get to see my son regularly but he's never stayed over at my house before so this weekend was going to be important and fun for that as well!

I haven't actually seen my Dad since June 2008 (fathers day in fact) and he has never laid eyes on me since I started my transition. It's going to be a bit of a shock to see what I look like now, compared to then, I have changed quite a bit! Also the last time I saw my Mum was over a year ago, when I moved to York, and I'm told by friends that my face has altered in that time as well.

I've been quite busy of the past few days so haven't had a chance to sit down and really think about how the visit would go. It has been on my mind though and I've gone through many scenarios in my head. It's also caused me to revisit feelings and experiences from my past and has almost transported me back to the last few times I saw may parents and how I felt then. That's quite disorientating as it reminds me of how I was before my transition and the way I looked and acted - both of which I have tried hard to forget.

My Dad has said that he is ready to meet me now, so it really is just a matter of timing and opportunities for this to happen. While I may pretend, even to myself, that I can deal with this and that it's something I shouldn't be too worried about, I know that the closer it gets to happening the more nervous and anxious I'll get. It is a huge deal and something that it going to be difficult for all concerned. That said, hopefully things will get easier after that and we can all start trying to rebuild some sort of normal family life.

Now, if only the weather would ease a little on Friday, and the roads clear ...

Question of Attraction

I've been thinking about attraction, particularly how this relates, or more than likely doesn't, to me. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of people who I know that have been actually attracted in any way shape or form and this isn't a very comforting thought. Recent events have made me ponder what it is that I'm doing wrong? There must be something either I'm missing or that I simply don't have!

My friends tell me I'm really nice and that I look good, I'd even concede that I'm reasonably stylish (or at least try to be) so I can't really see that I'm doing anything obviously wrong. But still, there must be something about me that, at best, says "friend", rather than "girlfriend". I just don't have it, whatever "it" is.

[ For reference, this is my profile on Gaydar Girls, I didn't think it looked *that* bad, and it is totally honest - maybe too honest? ]

I don't really want to whinge and complain, I'm lucky in lots of ways, and it seems a bit wrong to be whining about this, but, to be brutally honest, my self esteem has taken some rather vicious knocks recently so I desperately feel the need to vent a little. I won't go into the full gory details but here's the brief summary: was trying to 'date' someone, became apparent she was not attracted to me, obviously bit upset about that, never mind got a new friend at least, introduce to house-mate (also my ex*), flirting followed (right in front of me), arranging to meet but excluding me, and generally carrying on like they are dating.

* - and to add insult to injury, even though we'd split, and most definitely would not be getting back together, we still had a bit of a complicated "friends with benefits" relationship. Oh, and further salt rubbed into the wound by the fact that my ex stated that she "wasn't interested" in dating this person and that she "wouldn't want to do anything to hurt me" either. Okay, I know that you can't always control who you love/lust-after but in these kind of circumstances a degree of discretion is usual, the open flirting in front of me was probably a little unfair then!

I know going on about this isn't entirely attractive either but really and truly I do need to know what is wrong with me. If I'm destined to have this kind of crap happening to me all the time then I'd kind of like to know why and then at least there will be a reason and I won't have to feel as bad about myself as I do now.

In Two Minds

The past few weeks have been incredibly busy and have had lots of ups and downs. I've had so much to deal with and, at times have felt completely overwhelmed by what has been happening. I've been practical and sometimes not when dealing with everything that has been thrown at me. Some of it has been a huge disappointment and some just seems so unfair and cruel. There have been several occasions when I have simply broken down in tears and not felt I could cope.

But

On the other hand, I'm still here, I'm relatively fit and health, have a job I love, fantastic friends, and am, in the grand scheme of things, very, very, very lucky in my life. There is so much that I can be thankful for that others may not have. What right have I to get upset, to complain, to bitch and moan?

And that's normally how I think: I don't have a right to get upset, even with the things I have to deal with, they are nothing compared to what others go through, I really am thankful for what I have and I recognise that. I use to be able to hold this idea as a rock-hard certainly and didn't become emotional and confused and let go of that anchor, but recently it has slipped a little.

It really has been like being in two minds about everything: logical on one hand, completely emotional and distraught on the other; I've been pushed so much I couldn't control the second of these at times. I know this all sounds very vague but, rather unusually, what has been getting me down is not something I really want to share publicly unfortunately, I'll get back to my usual, open and honest style shortly on other topics.

Looking at things more philosophically, being pushed this hard has meant that I've really thought about alot of things and I've really found who is there to support me and who hasn't been willing to put up with me being an emotional wreck/powder-keg.

I'll end the rambling now and get on with more useful, and less emotive things; like the washing, ironing and tidying up which are amazingly comforting and therapeutic I've found!

Choice

The catch-all come-back for any hardship I've had to endure as a result of transitioning is that it was my "choice". This has been thrown at me a few times, sometimes directly or maybe just implied in explanations of someone's upset, confusion, or recalcitrance at accepting my 'new' persona.

I usually give the pretty standard response about the facts of gender, sexuality, biology, chemistry, etc, the "science bit" as it where. Few people fully grasp or appreciate that approach, probably including me, as it's all very interesting, if ultimately quite complicated, but doesn't really get away from what happened in my life seeming like I took a choice. It's also very hard to convince someone that there is no aspect of free-will in it because there is nothing to compare it too; no-one has the frame of reference to deal with transition unless you go through it yourself (or are one of the few partners that stick it out when their other half flips).

So "your choice" gets applied to everything, and extended to the point of incredulity; what has followed has all been foreseeable and was part of the original "decision" that I made, every possible consequence was deemed to be included in my plan.

The reality is that I took a small degree of control in my life, I took a certain path based on what I knew, how I felt, and what seemed, to me at least to be the most sensible and practical thing to do. I put things off for a long long time and buried feelings (I'm *really* good at that now, what a wonderful skill to have) but eventually life had to change.

At no point did I have even an inkling of what really lay ahead, I just felt so strongly that I must proceed a certain way; we're talking beyond addiction or desire or something that one may be cured of or control, it's even getting past obsession and reaching the point where it's not fully understandable "why" but simply that by becoming what I was fixated on was the only way to have some peace. That seems rather dramatic and slightly exaggerated now but it's unimaginable to me to go back to how I was before; while I can't claim to be completely happy with me I certainly don't obsess in the same way with trying to achieve a result, rather about improving it instead.

I know there will be those people who will not accept the above; I will be the person who has chosen to break up families and destroy lives with my selfish choices, I deserve what I get. Dismissing the fact that I had previously been thought of as a kind, caring parent and partner makes it all the easier to condemn me; I obviously have no feelings any more so I deserve what I get. Really? Who actually made a choice about that?

???

I can't think of a title, there is too much whizzing around in my head that I could write about that I really don't know where to start. In fact I feel like I don't know where to start with anything at all. Today hasn't really helped either as I've just got nothing done and the things I've tried just have taken ages and not worked (sometimes computers are damn annoying).

I had a nice night out with a friend last night, lots of talking until the early hours of the morning, the upshot of which is that I didn't get home and into bed until 5am so I've felt pretty much wiped out all day. That said, I felt much the same on Friday given the split and just everything else in my head as well. I just feel drained and unmotivated.

I also feel fat, a mess, and totally unattractive. While the end of the relationship itself was upsetting the most scary thing is that I can't see me ever finding anyone else. I know that it's not the right time to start mad dating but I thought the idea of trying to come to terms with a split was that your friends can say "plenty more fish in the sea" and you should have some glimmer of hope that this is indeed the case. The fact is that the number of potential partners out there for me is pretty limited; really I have little to offer anyone except an awful lot of complications.

The above isn't me just being down, it's pretty much a fact. What also is a fact is that I do need some help with my confidence (that ability to overcome facts like that horrible one) as it's become clear than I really haven't got any at all. Staying with the theme of dating, I was discussing the whole thing about "pulling" people with the friend I saw last night. I have never been "out on the pull", I've never chatted someone up in a bar/club/anywhere, I just never could bring myself to try. I think the way all of my previous relationships started was by me being nice, chatty, mostly harmless and rambling quite alot. I did have a little bit of, misplaced, confidence then and more than enough naivety to compensate but now I have neither of these.

I think ... well, thinking is interrupted by watching "Up in the Air" ... hopefully give me a distraction or feel better.

Decree Nisi

I just received this in the post today. It makes fairly stark reading:

"On 19th April 2010

The Judge help that

the respondent behaved in such a way that the petitioner cannot reasonably be expected to live with the respondent,

that the marriage solemnised on 21st July 2001

at <...>

between <...> the petitioner

and Fiona Andrea (f.k.a <...>) Bianchi the respondent

has broken down irretrievably and decreed that the said marriage be dissolved unless sufficient cause be shown to the court within six weeks from the making of this decree why such decree should not be made absolute"

It's boiler-plate text, impersonal, functional and without emotion, yet it's talking about something that is so different from those adjectives and which, in 6 weeks time will be decreed to be at an end. I think it's only now that I see it in black and white that I can begin to fully realise what a horrible shame it all is.

Did I really want this to happen? No. Did I really think that there would be such finality to a relationship, no, I didn't expect that at all. I guess I just never thought it would come to this. I don't think I expected some miraculous change where everything went back to "happy families" but I probably still had that hope in the back of my mind.

I feel oddly calm at the moment, I can actually feel myself just thinking about other things, trying to fill my head with something else to concentrate on to suppress what I really feel and just not think about it. When I consider everything we had and all the memories from my past it really does just hurt so much.

So, do I regret the path I've taken? At the moment it seems really odd to try and think about that question, I'm not really thinking about who I am, I'm just getting on with things; upgrading to the next Ubuntu version for example, thinking about plans, what to do at the weekend, etc. I would say that I don't regret my transition, but I can't really grasp that idea and explain how I feel about it.

As for the loss of a marriage that lasted 6 years and 8months and included, among the usual ups and downs so many good times and happy memories, not to mention a son who is the most fabulous little boy in the world ... yes, I regret the loss of that more than I think I will ever regret anything in my life.

I can't write any more.

Holding it together

I'm very tired at the moment. No reason in particular apart from just having lots to do and not getting to bed on time and waking up early (the latter will be compounded by the fact that I'm going to start cycling in to work on Monday as well so expect more fatigue.

Because I feel so tired I'm not sure I can put this across as eloquently as I'd like since everything seems to be buzzing around in the back of my head and I'm not really thinking about it. It's weird that I can poke at these ideas in a dispassionate and almost objective way but as soon as I really get some time to think about them properly I get upset.

A few things are upsetting me. Often I dismiss a minor problem or complexity in my life as "just one of those things" because really and truly there is often nothing I can do, nor anyone else can, and no point in getting upset about them. If there are lots of minor things like that they can start to get too much and it's much harder to brush them off.

As I've mentioned before, one of the things that has and still is bothering me is that I will not get to see any of my family at all for Christmas. No visits from my Mum or sister and certainly not my Dad. I've not been invited over there and in fact I get the distinct impression that presents and cards are not wanted this year for other reasons other than just the general sincere wish not to be a burden in terms of spending money no things that aren't really necessary.

Really it feels like I'm being excluded more and more from my family and it appears that pushing me away is how I am best dealt with. I haven't been back to my home town in nearly two years now and I haven't seen my Dad in about the same amount of time.

I really don't know what to do about this. I thought the other day of writing a letter to him trying to just get across what I am doing and why. I get glimpses of my reasons behind all this when I either see something about me that either pleases or upsets me; a kind of little pointer to indicate that I am on the right track. As ever I really do feel my lack of clinical depression, suicidal tendencies, or any obvious sign that I have serious mental issues does work against me in terms of credibility. I guess if I had tried to remove my self from this mortal coil at some point they might have at least taken that as a wake-up call or something.

I don't know what I'd say to my Dad, I don't know how I can explain without him just ignoring me. I don't know what he thinks or feels about this (nothing apparently, he won't acknowledge it apparently). Is he angry, sad, disappointed, confused, or what, I don't really know. I guess I don't think about this myself or just accept the way things are. I should get annoyed that he is thinking my motivations are other than they are, if I'm going to be disowned/ignored I want it to be for justified reasons, not for something he may imagine of me.

Really it's just very sad that, at Christmas of all times, I can't be with my family at all.

Need to Cry

It would be wrong to say that being cheerful, happy, content, is something that requires effort, it doesn't really, given that I generally feel I am very lucky it only makes sense that I view life in a positive way. What does take at least a force of will is not to think about all the things that can upset me. The problem is that sooner or later they do build up and it all just gets a bit too much.

I've hopefully conveyed sufficient warning to anyone considering a similar path to me and what you should expect to lose. There's been mention of the regret about that loss and of the hurt that's caused on all sides (just a phrase, there really shouldn't be such a concept of a 'side' to be on as that only leads to trying to put things in boxes marked "right" or "wrong" and that doesn't help, things just are for such complicated reasons that labels don't apply). What I struggle to do is describe how much it really hurts and maybe why I *try* and be cheerful and happy.

There have been a few phone conversations this week that have been upsetting and brought me to tears, the one I will mention was with my Mum. Nothing really bad or upsetting was said it was just the tone of her voice, maybe the note of concern in it or that she sounds a little older and more strained talking to me, as if she is trying not be be upset.

I was thinking about it this morning on the bus in to work and I suspect that my move to York and the fact that I now live with my girlfriend in a relationship and situation that is likely so far from 'normal' for my parents, means that it just makes things even harder for my Dad to accept and for my Mum to deal with. Of course this must weigh doubly on my Mum as she is in the middle of this and tries to chat to me and keep in touch and at the same time filter everything to my Dad. This kind of 'lying' (even just by omission) must really be taking a toll on her.

I wanted to write a letter to them this morning to try and explain what and why my life has taken the route that it has. To plead with them to at least *try* and move towards making more contact and ultimately actually meeting. It's just feeling like we're slipping further and further apart and this is making the strain and hurt even worse.

I've also been feeling a little lacking in confidence this week as well, in terms of everything about my appearance and self; imagine a bad hair day that affects your whole body (no, I don't mean like cousin Itt from the Addams Family). Being critical of my appearance is almost a habit now but it takes on a more upsetting tone when I really start to doubt myself and my eyes are drawn to everything that is 'wrong', it makes me doubt everything about the 'choice' I have made.

So I found myself this morning looking intently in the mirror and contemplating what it would be like to go back to how I was many years ago. The sad thing is that I can still see traces (understatement) in my face and that is upsetting, what is slightly comforting is that I don't think I could bear it to, for example, cut my hair short, it really do want to be like this. There is alot that is "wrong" about me but at least I really am more comfortable like this. That is something that is difficult to explain and I'm not entirely sure I fully understand it myself.

With all of this going on and other chores and minor bits of life piling up on-top of me it is only a matter of time before I crack completely and just break down and cry. For convenience sake I hope to pre-empt this just happening at a rather embarassing point in the day and, instead, watch some chick flicks or listen to emotion-ladden music tonight and get this all out of the way.

Moving on up ...

Well, it's been a very hectic time recently, hence the lack of posts, and this weekend in particular has been so busy and frenetic that, while it would have been good to get my thoughts down, I simply haven't had a spare second.

It's meant to be a commonly accepted fact that moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do but I think I have either been lucky or oblivious with the previous experiences so I suspect things caught up with me this time.

There was so much stuff to move and I think the trip I did this weekend was really just the bits and pieces that are possibly only a few steps away from junk. I don't know what it is, but I'm feeling the need to rid myself of all but things I consider essential. I got rid of a whole load of old computers and parts that I was simply never going to use. I'm seriously considering dumping all of my old university notes as well; yes there is some nostalgia there but I'm never going to refer to them every again so why keep them.

In fact keeping all this junk and having to move it was really getting to me. I think there are a few reasons for this, like the one above, but also I suspect that it reminds me too much of how I was; I use to hide behind all the gadgetry and fake nostalgia and geekiness and I don't want to be like that anymore. Yes, I am a geek/nerd, but I'm not that sad that I need to horde junk.

I also think the whole moving away and lack of familiar surroundings, proximity to family, and just general huge change in my life was also building up inside me. It really has been a massive impact and the emotion and confusion was totally unexpected. I was in tears twice over the weekend, snapped at Rachel, and was generally unhappy, unstable, and not myself at all. It was horrible really.

Having a house that is still full of unpacked boxes piled in the sitting room hasn't helped but this morning I've started to see some light at the end of the tunnel and I think we're both less stressed and feeling happier.

I guess this is a very rambling post but what I'm trying to convey is the fact that such a large upheaval in my life is something that, given who and what I am now, is something that was hard to cope with and it will take me a while to get back to feeling 'normal' and 100% happy.

Get over it

A friend of mine posted on her blog about been dazed and confused following the fact that her wife of many years has moved out of the family home. This was the arrangement they agreed on because of the tension caused by my friend's trans issues and was meant to be an occasion for relief, maybe even joy, at the freedom it bestowed. Instead my friend feels sad and lonely and the impact seems to have been nothing like she expected.

There is a very valuable lesson here: while logic and pragmatism may dictate changes in your life it is impossible to use any reasoning to prevent what you may feel. You can't walk away from a long term relationship without being upset about it, nor can you just turn off caring about someone who you loved and have many happy memories with.

I guess this is something that everyone learns in life sooner or later but it is worth bearing in mind in the case of those thinking of transitioning and the people around them. Someone's need to transition is compelling and may seem to exclude all other thoughts and feelings but that is not the case. Everyone concerned will go through so many emotions and, while there is nothing you can do to prepare for that, you can't dismiss it and claim that "it won't happen to me", it will.

Catching up

Just a quick post before I go to bed and hopefully the ones tomorrow will be a little more positive after a good nights sleep and some quiet reflection.

A lot has obviously happened over the past few weeks and months and I think, given everything, I've done remarkably well to stay unbelievably cheerful and positive and sooner or later everything was bound to get on top of me.

It is easy to fool others, and yourself, that everything is fine and there is nothing you need or are worrying about. But it's not easy to do that constantly, it eventually catches up with you and just needs something to push you over the metaphorical edge and things get too much.

I do have a few things lurking around in the back of my mind that I'm worried or confused about and have just not been facing up to. The thing that has added to my worries is the realisation the fact that today, after visiting my son (to give him his birthday presents), my parents would not be travelling the 2miles from his home to mine to pop in and see me.

I know it only sounds like a minor thing but imagine how you would feel if you were actually shunned by your closest family, the people who you thought would love and care about you no matter what.

I think I am probably too tired now to even consider my feelings, let alone describe them. I hope sleep will help bring some peace and order to my thoughts.

Modesty

I've always said that I don't look good, nor am I attractive in any way in relation to how I look (though I think, given hormones and selection of nice perfume I at least smell nice). But this, I maintained was a completely objective assessment and based entirely on a sensible and rational list of faults.

Now I'm beginning to realise, after lots of friends constantly telling me I look fine, that it's not just a rational thought it's that I don't, in any way, believe that I am attractive, nor will I ever be able to accept that notion. And it's not something that can be argued to shown to be an incorrect belief. I do know what things make be look better/worse, I actually do have some sense of style, coordination, and possibly even a degree of fashion sense (all of these even in small quantities representing a huge and worthy achievement). No matter how good I may be able to say that I look I don't really believe it though.

Something related to this occurred to me on my road journeys this weekend; the clothes I wore to travel in showed off my figure and, given that other vehicles on the motorway, e.g. vans, trucks, and such, have a higher viewpoint the occupants could actually be looking at me without, at least at first glance, seeing anything to make them think I was other than a genetic female.

The same could be true for anyone passing me in the street and not really looking at my face, or seeing me from behind. I do have definite curves now (particularly in tight jeans), and a chest and some cleavage (not the worlds best but still visible). So it seems logical at least that I might at least draw some attention because of that.

However, this is just something I'd never considered before. It never crossed my mind that anything about me would draw any gaze apart from for negative reasons! I think I'm reaching a point where I really need to think more about my outward appearance to at least try and come to terms with it.

Crying making it hard to cry

I've always been fairly happy-go-lucky in my outlook; I don't let things upset me, I don't bear grudges, think the best of people, try not to bitch and generally attempt to just take what comes in life and be thankful and cheerful.

I guess to be fair I've never had much to complain about anyway; good job, nice house, nice family, fabulous friends, good marriage, in short I was doing everything how it should be done. Of course that all changed last year but I still tried to remain philosophical and pragmatic about it all and still firmly believed that I was lucky and things could be much worse. I guess I had a pretty good grip on the things that should have upset me and I just dealt with it.

Last night it all caught up with me and I felt the lowest that I ever have in my life.

Obviously losing your job is upsetting but it unleashed so much more pent-up emotion that I really didn't know how to cope. I think the thing that really did it was what my Dad said when I phoned up for advice. I got the usual stuff about being careful with money and dire warnings that the bank of Mum and Dad could not bail me out if I messed up. All justified and, even if said a little harshly, not that upsetting.

It was what wasn't said that hurt infinitely more. No mention of help if I have to relocation, no offer of just popping down to say hello or for me to go up there. No warmth, no concern, no recognition that I may be upset by everything that has happened or that now, might just possibly be a good time to be thinking about trying to deal with my trans life because I could potentially be moving further away and that would make even seeing my Mum much more difficult.

All I could think of last night as I cried into my pillow (yes, this sort of thing really does happen, it's not just the stuff of novels or films) was writing letters to say goodbye to them and that they didn't need to come and visit as it was obviously too difficult for them to deal with. I have never cried that much in my life, trying to cry more and not be able to.

This morning, I feel better. True to form, I bounce back, things are the way they are, they could be alto worse, I should be thankful, and I am. I only post this as a way to try to explain how much this can hurt, even when someone seems to be coping so well, when they can even convince themselves of that fact, there can be so much that is just being kept under control.

I wish I could be more eloquent in conveying how I feel and what happens in my life - I hope that it's some use to others going through the same thing, or thinking about this path. Be prepared and all that.

Oh well, onwards and upwards!

Holding back the tears

I saw my son on Friday night (went to the cinema to see Ice Age 3 and then onto McDonalds as a treat for him swimming 70m earlier in the week - so proud of him), then for a few hours on Saturday morning after which he had a party to go to so the plan was for him to come over again today.

Yesterday evening B phoned and said my son wanted to speak to me, he came on the phone and said he wouldn't be coming over today. I asked him if he was tired because I didn't want him to feel that I was upset or put undue pressure on him. I said it was fine and that if he changed his mind he could come over anyway.

Seems he had been a little upset after seeing me and was a bit tearful. Some of it could just be tiredness, getting to the end of term, excitement at things he's going to be doing soon and simply the fact that his house and the friends round it are way more interesting than what I can offer him here, my flat is never going to come close in that respect.

There is another reason and that is that he was upset by me. B had already told me that he'd said to her that he preferred seeing me in less feminine clothes and appearance, for example he liked it when we did the cycling as I obviously had no make-up on and looked like I always did before when I use to take him to school or go out on the bikes.

Yesterday he said the same thing to me directly as well. He was also staring at my chest at one point, obviously trying to work out why it looked the way it does (was particularly noticeable given the top I was wearing). We also had a brief conversation about 'moobs' and 'boobs' - I said I had the latter, he said that the former were what boys got when they had muscles.

Overall he's obviously been doing some thinking about this and it is upsetting him. So because of all this I said it was fine, I didn't mind not seeing him. I said the same to my friends, that it wasn't unexpected, it wasn't anyone's fault (he'd definitely NOT been pushed into this by his Mum or affected by her, this was his decision) and I just resigned myself to the fact and didn't think it had greatly upset me, obviously disappointed but it's one of those things.

Got back this morning around 3am and sat and watched a bit of a film while I had supper, it got to a sad bit and my eyes started to fill with tears, so I turned the film of, but I still kept crying and sobbing and it was obvious it wasn't about what I was watching. I thought I'd done so well keeping my feelings under control but clearly it couldn't last forever and I must have just snapped all the emotion came flooding out. Looking back I think I was dwelling on my son all night, thinking about him in the back of my mind.

So it seems my son isn't dealing with things as well as I'd (naively) hoped and in fact my transition is upsetting him a great deal. I really and truly never wanted to hurt him or anyone else because of this, but it looks like I must add him to the list of those that I have.

One pill too many

I'm posting this mainly as a reminder to myself that it happened and when (really must get a diary for this kind of thing instead).

I was counting the number of spiro pills that I have left today (need to pick up prescription today for more) and I've realised I've taken one too many this week. OR I've lost one, possibly on the other strip of 14 that I threw away a few weeks ago.

I'm racking my brain to try and remember when I might have taken an extra pill. Certainly not Monday or Tuesday as I took them at work after eating breakfast there and that is pretty much my routine time - take certirazine (for hayfever) first thing when I get up, then get to work, have breakfast and take spiro.

I've worked at home the rest of the week so my routine has been mixed up a bit - it's very easy to start doing things on the laptop before getting the basics like breakfast out of the way on the grounds that this is more efficient as long-running tasks can be set off.

I think Wednesday I took certirazine & spiro together ... hmmm, but I also remember taking spiro late in the morning, maybe that was when I took two. Thursday (yesterday) I think I was a little more organised, also changed patches as well so think I had pills under control also. Then again, I was really hungry and thirsty yesterday and a bit light-headed as well as being late to bed the night before.

I'm not going to take spiro today, just in case, I'll let what is in my system level off.

I think I'm more freaked out that I could accidentally take too much and that I can't remember doing it. I hate feeling that I don't know what I'm doing or that I could make such a mistake. That's more worrying to me than the possible side-affects of taking too much. Although, rather annoyingly, the side-affects of the drug include "mental confusion" so it could be contributing to me not keeping track!

Still in denial

I can come up with lots of logical reasons why I've taken the recent choices that have led me to transition. I can describe the confusion and upset and even that I worried that neither were sufficient. With the exception of those that have been really hurt by all of this everyone is convinced of my intention and need to transition.

But I still don't think I've convinced myself.

I have followed all the correct processes and behaviour and different stages in the journey and fully understand what is going on and why and can get, rightly, very wrapped up in trying to get things done right, or faster to speed the whole transition along.

I even have, as described in this blog, the odd bout of reality where I realise that there is still alot for me to change, develop and deal with. And sometimes I have real, genuine moments when I can speak with absolute sincerity and feeling about what is happening to me, when it's not just me saying things that I think sound good, or are well-worded and pithy. Even now, I suspect the words I'm using are more important than what they are saying.

But the truth, as far as I've been able to grasp it tonight, is that I really haven't admitted to myself what is happening, I still think I'm the old me but just with the trans thing thrown on the top. It is easier to think that I am dealing with this that to actually be so. It really is to big to handle or get my head round, I don't have any frame of reference, I can't control this or argue it or even describe the feelings.

I'm finding it hard to admit to myself that it really isn't just a differently packaged me, it's a me that has been totally supressed, a me that I don't really know and that I'm maybe still not comfortable with. I'm not saying this me is totally different in every respect but just that the small changes are actually so impossibly large to deal with.

I'm dealing with all of this by trying to approach it logically and do the right thing as best I can without letting any feelings out and by denying that I have any to some extent. I guess a tag line I've seen on a few peoples posts/e-mails is, glibly, appropriate: "If you're not confused, you didn't understand the question".

Sometimes, you just need your Mum

I've had one of those weeks where everything has just been so overwhelming and confusing and upsetting that I reached a point where I just felt completely out of it and totally unsure and scared and confused (yes, I know I've already used "confusing" in this sentence).

I had a long soak in the bath, ate a Fry's Chocolate Cream bar, and watched the film, Almost Famous, while switching off almost completely and just not thinking. At the end of the film, when I got out of the bath I just wanted a hug. I wanted to be back with my family in my own home and be able to have the person I married give me a hug, or my son distract me, or just have familiar surroundings.

The phone had gone and I guessed it would have been my Mum who called and I suddenly just wanted to talk to her and tell her all the things that had happened this week, just to get it out of my head and have someone listen. My Mum is a good listener, she always has been. I must make a point of telling her that one day.

So that's what I did, I told my Mum everything (which I've always done really) and the fact that she listened and the advice that she gave made me feel better.

Thanks Mum x

Is it really worth it?

I think I am having a nasty bout of reality at the moment which I guess is the euphemism I employ when I am thinking about things rather too lucidly for my own liking.

I've had a few minor aches and pains recently, bad back (due, I think, to all the walking on Monday, sleeping funny, or just lifting heavy objects - my son!), and the, to quote the adverts, misery of hayfever symptoms. Also I'm not sticking to my diet, not been cycling into work last week and generally just meandering at the moment.

I've spent the weekend being fairly productive however, seeing my son yesterday and getting some chores done today. Because I've not been out either day I've not bothered with make-up, partly because the hay-fever really was making my eyes stream and anything on my eyes would either make them itch even more or eventually end up smeared all over my face. So I've really been looking at my face, and also the rest of me, without the usual benefit of even the thinnest veneer of artificial femininity.

And it's not really a pleasant sight. It's also not really a very convincing sight either. The reality is that I've only been on hormones for 6months and they don't make significant changes within that time (and given that my dosage has been increased it's arguable that nothing big is going to happen until all the drugs are at the right level).

When it comes down to it there is little real difference between me a year ago and how my body, and to some degree mind, is today. In fact the mind thing is maybe the bit that really has changed the least; there are some changes in my body, obviously, as I've noted before, but really if I sit down and think seriously there isn't any real mental change.

This is something that I once read (paraphrasing): hormones don't make you into a woman, they only deal with the physical changes to make you look more like the one you feel you are. I think what they do help though in giving you something to pin your belief in your real gender identity on. It's hard to feel like a given gender if you don't really feel you look the part.

Being a given gender for so long it is really hard to suddenly become another overnight. While hormones can't undo the changes made during puberty the longer you have been exposed to the "testosterone poisoning" (can't remember where I read that but it sounded apt) the harder it is for them to at least make the best of a bad job and try and smooth (pun intended) out your body. I think the same is true of your mental state, the longer as the wrong gender makes it much harder to become the new (correct) one.

I am finding it difficult to, in some ways, recapture my belief in myself and who and what I am at the moment. Probably not helped by me taking refuge in the distractions I use to indulge in to block everything out, i.e. gadgets, technology, tinkering with computers. I know there should be nothing exclusively 'male' about being totally geeky and nerdy but in my experience it does seem to be so and I also can't help but associate those feelings with the old me.

I'm beginning to see why alot of transsexuals would have facial surgery, it's not only to feminize their appearance more, but to also make it just different so that there isn't the constant reminder of who/what they were.

As ever I take a fairly pragmatic view of everything. Things do upset me, sometimes without me fully acknowledging how much, even to myself, and I do still want to make progress. But I never have been, nor probably ever will be, so upset, angry, distressed, or disturbed about what I am going through to really go to extremes. I always really do just think that things could be worse and that I'm lucky with how my life is even if it could be better. Some would say that, being able to think like that is a good thing, there are times, like now, when I suspect they are wrong.

Feeling wrong

I've mentioned before about how certain memories can trigger feelings that I had when I was the 'old me' and also that it is quite easy to see more of the things that are 'wrong' about how I look, sound or act which can be equally disturbing. I think I've also talked about feeling insecure about what I'm going through and wondering if it's really what I want or should do and all of the constant doubt that comes with everything in my life now.

When I have to try and explain why I've done this, why I've chosen this route it always makes me feel as if I'm making excuses and that it's not something I really have to do. I know all the stories about transexuals that have been close or even attempted suicide or at the very least become unbearably depressed. It always seems that they have much more justification for seeking help and treatment than I have. I feel a fraud in some ways and doubt what I am and what I want to become.

I have just been lying on the sofa watching a DVD thinking about all of this and how there is so much that I still see of myself that I feel is 'wrong'. Also that my attempts at being female are sometimes over-the-top or are mere gestures towards an ideal that I can never, ever reach.

Then I began to think about how I feel in those moments where I'm wrapped up in, what I'm sure some people see as (and what I fear is), a pretence of people a normal female person. And I realised that being lost in that feeling is what I need, I am really happy feeling like that, it's just right, and something want to happen all of the time. I can't keep myself in denial that I'm succeeding in becoming who I want to be, but I have to keep trying there really is something deep inside of me that will only be satisfied by me continuing to transition.

Maybe for some it's harder to hide or control that part of themselves and that's why they have definite outward signs of distress and upset. For me I've never had much reason to be upset with my life as a whole, I've always thought that what I've had to go through hasn't been anywhere near as bad as what others suffer so I've always kept my really feelings carefully under control. This probably means I've not been completely honest and open with myself and could go some way to explaining why it has taken me so long to follow this path.

Bits and pieces

I've been very busy with work this week and, while I have had a myriad of ideas for blog posts I've never really got round to writing anything down so now all I have is some rather incoherent ideas and snippets to ramble on about.

One of the things that I have been thinking about recently is how much I miss the life I had before. I know I have gone on about this before and in some ways I sound like a broken record, but I don't think it's possible to appreciate the enormity of the loss.

In fact that brings me, maybe too rapidly, to something else that I've been considering. Essentially I believe I'm holding back an awful lot inside my head and really not letting any of it show. I know that sounds glib and I can't really find the words to unlock how I feel because I'm just not letting myself feel. I actually wanted to add the song "Happy Go Lucky" by Steps (stop laughing about my musical taste) to my blog because, listening to it today, it seemed to strike a chord.

Blah, blah, misery, pain, anguish ... sorry to be trite but I've had a bit to drink and only had 3hrs sleep (was working late last night) and 3 glasses of wine so not with it ... just found something way more fun to blog about!