Counting and Caterpillars

This is slightly out of date now, but when I came up with the title for this blog post it was very relevant. And yes, it's been way too long since I updated this blog, particularly as I've had so much I could have written in it, both good and bad. Maybe I will get a chance to keep up the updates over the coming days, I certainly hope so.

To explain the title: I'm currently counting down the weeks, well now days, until I have surgery. I am not going to go into what I'm having done since I don't feel I want to disclose and discuss that. What is significant is that I've never had an operation before, well, not one where I have had a general anesthetic. Of all the times I have been in hospital before I have been pretty-much on edge and freaked out by the whole experience; I do not deal with medical stuff well at all.

I am pretty much completely petrified by the prospect of my operation, which is now, as I write this, less than a week away. I'm constantly going over it in my head and essentially worrying/fretting/thinking about it all the time to the point where it's making me dizzy sometimes. I suspect that this will only get worse the closer the actual date approaches. I'm normally fairly switched-on, quick-witted (well I like to think so), and vivacious, but I'm just so preoccupied that I'm none of those things at the moment. I can't concentrate on anything nor do I feel like doing that.

None of this is helped by the fact that, in preparation, I had to stop all medication which meant that I went slightly nuts for the first week or two until a temporary injection kicked in and restored the balance somewhat. Generally though I've not felt that good off my normal meds and while I'm sure it can be worse for others in a similar situation, I will be very glad to get back on track after my operation.

So, not a fun time, though certainly could have been worse and I'm equally definite that, if all goes well next week, this pain, and the discomfort ahead will be worth it in the end. I have to admit to some degree of excitment at getting things sorted out and the, hopefully, positive impact it will have on my life. I just have to get through the next few weeks and months and get myself back to normal, or, better than that in fact.

Oh, yes, the caterpillar thing: I spent a week or so not sleeping very well and constantly waking up feeling like I was wrapped in a pupa of bed sheet! Sadly I think there is no metaphor here; I'm not likely to emerge as a beautiful butterfly, but I'll be happy enough to be a more relaxed and together caterpillar :)

Apparently it *IS* all about gender

I've been on Plenty of Fish for about a month now and not really had much success, though I'm not going to whinge nor get upset about that in particular (I still like a friends assessment that a site like this is a good way to "kiss alot of frogs").

My profile didn't, until recently, mention the fact that I am trans, I honestly and totally believed that this was patently obvious from the pictures I'd uploaded. There are two very clear shots of my face with no editing or clever lighting, and I thought these should be enough for me to be read.

Apparently I was wrong (which is in many respects a good thing) and I've had two slightly upsetting reactions from people when they have realised, though really I shouldn't have been surprised as the old adage about "if something is too good to be true, it probably isn't" definitely applied in both cases.

In the first incident the woman concerned simply stopped chatting, no explanation, no "sorry, I'm not interested", just disconnected!

So, I added a paragraph to my profile explaining that I'm a trans-woman but that I don't make a big deal out of it.

When someone then started chatting/flirting with me after that point it didn't occur to me that they might not have read my profile so I just assumed they really did like me (well, okay I still had some doubts, I have never in my entire life had anyone just declare that they thought I was hot or attractive in any way). But, no, just another case of me not being read.

I can understand someone not liking how I look, or my hobbies, personality, in fact any number of things. Certainly for on-line dating you're pretty much just going on looks and I really don't think I'm stunning enough in any way to attract lots of people to read my profile. Again, I don't have a problem with this, I make exactly the same judgements on people I look it.

I think what is upsetting is when all of that seems fine; someone has looked at real pictures of me and decided they do like what they see. Then they chat a little and like what they hear (or read I guess). Everything can be fine right up until the point where you say "I'm trans" and then it's all different. That hurts. Nothing else matters from that point on, it's all completely over-shadowed and there's that awkward silence where I just know the other person is trying to get away as fast as possible.

What a horrible and insensitive way to treat someone.

Thankfully not everyone is like that so I have had some quite nice chats with people and I'm very grateful for that. I'm also immensely thankful for the wonderful and supportive friends I have - you're all fab!

Lots of Knocks

While I have done some really enjoyable things over the past month (photography at the Fashion City York catwalk show, my birthday party, Legoland with my son, more photoshoots, the Festival of Vintage) I seem to have had a few knocks as well which really have left me feeling a bit down.

I was prompted to write this post now after my son didn't want to speak to me on the phone. I hardly get to talk to him as it is and when I can call is so limited given everything he does and the times when he's 'busy'. I think what gets to me is that him not talking is so 'acceptable'. Not wanting to talk to me is 'understandable' and that is something I have to accept. Of course it's my fault after all.

It's much easier to justify certain behaviour when you can allocate blame: if I'm in the wrong that makes me bad and others actions are 'good' by default. This kind of reasoning is typified by the premise that I have 'done' something - I have made a concious decision to be 'bad' and therefore all consequences are to be expected and accepted.

None of this take into account my feelings and how upset I am. Nor does it really do anything to deal with the, quite complicated, reality of what has happened. There are only so many times I can apologise for the way I am, this really isn't my 'fault', it's something I ultimately had no control over.

My partner and I split last week as well, amicably and by mutual agreement but that kind of thing still upsets and hurts. Last week just seems to have been a horrible week with me feeling down about the split and lots of other things that are bothering me.

I guess everyone has ups and downs and there are lots of things I am very grateful for I could just do without my confidence and emotions being knocked about so much at the moment.

Question of Attraction

I've been thinking about attraction, particularly how this relates, or more than likely doesn't, to me. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of people who I know that have been actually attracted in any way shape or form and this isn't a very comforting thought. Recent events have made me ponder what it is that I'm doing wrong? There must be something either I'm missing or that I simply don't have!

My friends tell me I'm really nice and that I look good, I'd even concede that I'm reasonably stylish (or at least try to be) so I can't really see that I'm doing anything obviously wrong. But still, there must be something about me that, at best, says "friend", rather than "girlfriend". I just don't have it, whatever "it" is.

[ For reference, this is my profile on Gaydar Girls, I didn't think it looked *that* bad, and it is totally honest - maybe too honest? ]

I don't really want to whinge and complain, I'm lucky in lots of ways, and it seems a bit wrong to be whining about this, but, to be brutally honest, my self esteem has taken some rather vicious knocks recently so I desperately feel the need to vent a little. I won't go into the full gory details but here's the brief summary: was trying to 'date' someone, became apparent she was not attracted to me, obviously bit upset about that, never mind got a new friend at least, introduce to house-mate (also my ex*), flirting followed (right in front of me), arranging to meet but excluding me, and generally carrying on like they are dating.

* - and to add insult to injury, even though we'd split, and most definitely would not be getting back together, we still had a bit of a complicated "friends with benefits" relationship. Oh, and further salt rubbed into the wound by the fact that my ex stated that she "wasn't interested" in dating this person and that she "wouldn't want to do anything to hurt me" either. Okay, I know that you can't always control who you love/lust-after but in these kind of circumstances a degree of discretion is usual, the open flirting in front of me was probably a little unfair then!

I know going on about this isn't entirely attractive either but really and truly I do need to know what is wrong with me. If I'm destined to have this kind of crap happening to me all the time then I'd kind of like to know why and then at least there will be a reason and I won't have to feel as bad about myself as I do now.

In Two Minds

The past few weeks have been incredibly busy and have had lots of ups and downs. I've had so much to deal with and, at times have felt completely overwhelmed by what has been happening. I've been practical and sometimes not when dealing with everything that has been thrown at me. Some of it has been a huge disappointment and some just seems so unfair and cruel. There have been several occasions when I have simply broken down in tears and not felt I could cope.

But

On the other hand, I'm still here, I'm relatively fit and health, have a job I love, fantastic friends, and am, in the grand scheme of things, very, very, very lucky in my life. There is so much that I can be thankful for that others may not have. What right have I to get upset, to complain, to bitch and moan?

And that's normally how I think: I don't have a right to get upset, even with the things I have to deal with, they are nothing compared to what others go through, I really am thankful for what I have and I recognise that. I use to be able to hold this idea as a rock-hard certainly and didn't become emotional and confused and let go of that anchor, but recently it has slipped a little.

It really has been like being in two minds about everything: logical on one hand, completely emotional and distraught on the other; I've been pushed so much I couldn't control the second of these at times. I know this all sounds very vague but, rather unusually, what has been getting me down is not something I really want to share publicly unfortunately, I'll get back to my usual, open and honest style shortly on other topics.

Looking at things more philosophically, being pushed this hard has meant that I've really thought about alot of things and I've really found who is there to support me and who hasn't been willing to put up with me being an emotional wreck/powder-keg.

I'll end the rambling now and get on with more useful, and less emotive things; like the washing, ironing and tidying up which are amazingly comforting and therapeutic I've found!