I just received this in the post today. It makes fairly stark reading:
"On 19th April 2010
The Judge help that
the respondent behaved in such a way that the petitioner cannot reasonably be expected to live with the respondent,
that the marriage solemnised on 21st July 2001
at <...>
between <...> the petitioner
and Fiona Andrea (f.k.a <...>) Bianchi the respondent
has broken down irretrievably and decreed that the said marriage be dissolved unless sufficient cause be shown to the court within six weeks from the making of this decree why such decree should not be made absolute"
It's boiler-plate text, impersonal, functional and without emotion, yet it's talking about something that is so different from those adjectives and which, in 6 weeks time will be decreed to be at an end. I think it's only now that I see it in black and white that I can begin to fully realise what a horrible shame it all is.
Did I really want this to happen? No. Did I really think that there would be such finality to a relationship, no, I didn't expect that at all. I guess I just never thought it would come to this. I don't think I expected some miraculous change where everything went back to "happy families" but I probably still had that hope in the back of my mind.
I feel oddly calm at the moment, I can actually feel myself just thinking about other things, trying to fill my head with something else to concentrate on to suppress what I really feel and just not think about it. When I consider everything we had and all the memories from my past it really does just hurt so much.
So, do I regret the path I've taken? At the moment it seems really odd to try and think about that question, I'm not really thinking about who I am, I'm just getting on with things; upgrading to the next Ubuntu version for example, thinking about plans, what to do at the weekend, etc. I would say that I don't regret my transition, but I can't really grasp that idea and explain how I feel about it.
As for the loss of a marriage that lasted 6 years and 8months and included, among the usual ups and downs so many good times and happy memories, not to mention a son who is the most fabulous little boy in the world ... yes, I regret the loss of that more than I think I will ever regret anything in my life.
I can't write any more.
Showing posts with label hell. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hell. Show all posts
Thursday, 29 April 2010
Thursday, 19 November 2009
Need to Cry
It would be wrong to say that being cheerful, happy, content, is something that requires effort, it doesn't really, given that I generally feel I am very lucky it only makes sense that I view life in a positive way. What does take at least a force of will is not to think about all the things that can upset me. The problem is that sooner or later they do build up and it all just gets a bit too much.
I've hopefully conveyed sufficient warning to anyone considering a similar path to me and what you should expect to lose. There's been mention of the regret about that loss and of the hurt that's caused on all sides (just a phrase, there really shouldn't be such a concept of a 'side' to be on as that only leads to trying to put things in boxes marked "right" or "wrong" and that doesn't help, things just are for such complicated reasons that labels don't apply). What I struggle to do is describe how much it really hurts and maybe why I *try* and be cheerful and happy.
There have been a few phone conversations this week that have been upsetting and brought me to tears, the one I will mention was with my Mum. Nothing really bad or upsetting was said it was just the tone of her voice, maybe the note of concern in it or that she sounds a little older and more strained talking to me, as if she is trying not be be upset.
I was thinking about it this morning on the bus in to work and I suspect that my move to York and the fact that I now live with my girlfriend in a relationship and situation that is likely so far from 'normal' for my parents, means that it just makes things even harder for my Dad to accept and for my Mum to deal with. Of course this must weigh doubly on my Mum as she is in the middle of this and tries to chat to me and keep in touch and at the same time filter everything to my Dad. This kind of 'lying' (even just by omission) must really be taking a toll on her.
I wanted to write a letter to them this morning to try and explain what and why my life has taken the route that it has. To plead with them to at least *try* and move towards making more contact and ultimately actually meeting. It's just feeling like we're slipping further and further apart and this is making the strain and hurt even worse.
I've also been feeling a little lacking in confidence this week as well, in terms of everything about my appearance and self; imagine a bad hair day that affects your whole body (no, I don't mean like cousin Itt from the Addams Family). Being critical of my appearance is almost a habit now but it takes on a more upsetting tone when I really start to doubt myself and my eyes are drawn to everything that is 'wrong', it makes me doubt everything about the 'choice' I have made.
So I found myself this morning looking intently in the mirror and contemplating what it would be like to go back to how I was many years ago. The sad thing is that I can still see traces (understatement) in my face and that is upsetting, what is slightly comforting is that I don't think I could bear it to, for example, cut my hair short, it really do want to be like this. There is alot that is "wrong" about me but at least I really am more comfortable like this. That is something that is difficult to explain and I'm not entirely sure I fully understand it myself.
With all of this going on and other chores and minor bits of life piling up on-top of me it is only a matter of time before I crack completely and just break down and cry. For convenience sake I hope to pre-empt this just happening at a rather embarassing point in the day and, instead, watch some chick flicks or listen to emotion-ladden music tonight and get this all out of the way.
Tuesday, 28 July 2009
Staring and not looking
For a combination of reasons I have recently been noticing more how people look at me or, in fact, stare in many cases. I'm not sure that anyone can really appreciate how this feels if you haven't experienced it yourself. It's constant as well, not something that can be turned off. People will stare. I can almost guarantee that at least one person will gawp at me when I go out.
Sometimes people whisper, or laugh, or even pass comment out of ear-shot. I guess later they also gossip and tell stories of their encounter with the 'tranny' or 'weirdo' or maybe they feign sympathy and talk to their friends how terrible it must be and how sorry for me they feel. Maybe some will look it up on the internet and, search-engine-willing, find something informative that at least tries to help them understand.
On the other extreme there is my Dad. He refuses to look at all. I haven't seen him face-to-face in over a year. I guess that isn't too unusual given modern life, people can easily be separated by great distance such that they may not meet for years. In those cases people exchange calls, messages, e-mails, videos even, and of course photos. My Dad refused point blank to look at photos of his grandson because there were also one or two that contained me.
I don't think I can ever understand how my parents, family, or others really feel about me, I can barely express how this affects me, let alone them. The word "hurt" doesn't really cover it. Sometimes it feels like I'm completely surrounded by the pressure of disappointment, hurt, upset, fear, and confusion. I wish sometimes that those staring at me could have that explained to them, and maybe even shown what it feels like briefly so they would at least know how their actions contribute to my pain and suffering.
Sometimes people whisper, or laugh, or even pass comment out of ear-shot. I guess later they also gossip and tell stories of their encounter with the 'tranny' or 'weirdo' or maybe they feign sympathy and talk to their friends how terrible it must be and how sorry for me they feel. Maybe some will look it up on the internet and, search-engine-willing, find something informative that at least tries to help them understand.
On the other extreme there is my Dad. He refuses to look at all. I haven't seen him face-to-face in over a year. I guess that isn't too unusual given modern life, people can easily be separated by great distance such that they may not meet for years. In those cases people exchange calls, messages, e-mails, videos even, and of course photos. My Dad refused point blank to look at photos of his grandson because there were also one or two that contained me.
I don't think I can ever understand how my parents, family, or others really feel about me, I can barely express how this affects me, let alone them. The word "hurt" doesn't really cover it. Sometimes it feels like I'm completely surrounded by the pressure of disappointment, hurt, upset, fear, and confusion. I wish sometimes that those staring at me could have that explained to them, and maybe even shown what it feels like briefly so they would at least know how their actions contribute to my pain and suffering.
Thursday, 23 July 2009
Crying making it hard to cry
I've always been fairly happy-go-lucky in my outlook; I don't let things upset me, I don't bear grudges, think the best of people, try not to bitch and generally attempt to just take what comes in life and be thankful and cheerful.
I guess to be fair I've never had much to complain about anyway; good job, nice house, nice family, fabulous friends, good marriage, in short I was doing everything how it should be done. Of course that all changed last year but I still tried to remain philosophical and pragmatic about it all and still firmly believed that I was lucky and things could be much worse. I guess I had a pretty good grip on the things that should have upset me and I just dealt with it.
Last night it all caught up with me and I felt the lowest that I ever have in my life.
Obviously losing your job is upsetting but it unleashed so much more pent-up emotion that I really didn't know how to cope. I think the thing that really did it was what my Dad said when I phoned up for advice. I got the usual stuff about being careful with money and dire warnings that the bank of Mum and Dad could not bail me out if I messed up. All justified and, even if said a little harshly, not that upsetting.
It was what wasn't said that hurt infinitely more. No mention of help if I have to relocation, no offer of just popping down to say hello or for me to go up there. No warmth, no concern, no recognition that I may be upset by everything that has happened or that now, might just possibly be a good time to be thinking about trying to deal with my trans life because I could potentially be moving further away and that would make even seeing my Mum much more difficult.
All I could think of last night as I cried into my pillow (yes, this sort of thing really does happen, it's not just the stuff of novels or films) was writing letters to say goodbye to them and that they didn't need to come and visit as it was obviously too difficult for them to deal with. I have never cried that much in my life, trying to cry more and not be able to.
This morning, I feel better. True to form, I bounce back, things are the way they are, they could be alto worse, I should be thankful, and I am. I only post this as a way to try to explain how much this can hurt, even when someone seems to be coping so well, when they can even convince themselves of that fact, there can be so much that is just being kept under control.
I wish I could be more eloquent in conveying how I feel and what happens in my life - I hope that it's some use to others going through the same thing, or thinking about this path. Be prepared and all that.
Oh well, onwards and upwards!
I guess to be fair I've never had much to complain about anyway; good job, nice house, nice family, fabulous friends, good marriage, in short I was doing everything how it should be done. Of course that all changed last year but I still tried to remain philosophical and pragmatic about it all and still firmly believed that I was lucky and things could be much worse. I guess I had a pretty good grip on the things that should have upset me and I just dealt with it.
Last night it all caught up with me and I felt the lowest that I ever have in my life.
Obviously losing your job is upsetting but it unleashed so much more pent-up emotion that I really didn't know how to cope. I think the thing that really did it was what my Dad said when I phoned up for advice. I got the usual stuff about being careful with money and dire warnings that the bank of Mum and Dad could not bail me out if I messed up. All justified and, even if said a little harshly, not that upsetting.
It was what wasn't said that hurt infinitely more. No mention of help if I have to relocation, no offer of just popping down to say hello or for me to go up there. No warmth, no concern, no recognition that I may be upset by everything that has happened or that now, might just possibly be a good time to be thinking about trying to deal with my trans life because I could potentially be moving further away and that would make even seeing my Mum much more difficult.
All I could think of last night as I cried into my pillow (yes, this sort of thing really does happen, it's not just the stuff of novels or films) was writing letters to say goodbye to them and that they didn't need to come and visit as it was obviously too difficult for them to deal with. I have never cried that much in my life, trying to cry more and not be able to.
This morning, I feel better. True to form, I bounce back, things are the way they are, they could be alto worse, I should be thankful, and I am. I only post this as a way to try to explain how much this can hurt, even when someone seems to be coping so well, when they can even convince themselves of that fact, there can be so much that is just being kept under control.
I wish I could be more eloquent in conveying how I feel and what happens in my life - I hope that it's some use to others going through the same thing, or thinking about this path. Be prepared and all that.
Oh well, onwards and upwards!
Thursday, 11 June 2009
Sometimes, you just need your Mum
I've had one of those weeks where everything has just been so overwhelming and confusing and upsetting that I reached a point where I just felt completely out of it and totally unsure and scared and confused (yes, I know I've already used "confusing" in this sentence).
I had a long soak in the bath, ate a Fry's Chocolate Cream bar, and watched the film, Almost Famous, while switching off almost completely and just not thinking. At the end of the film, when I got out of the bath I just wanted a hug. I wanted to be back with my family in my own home and be able to have the person I married give me a hug, or my son distract me, or just have familiar surroundings.
The phone had gone and I guessed it would have been my Mum who called and I suddenly just wanted to talk to her and tell her all the things that had happened this week, just to get it out of my head and have someone listen. My Mum is a good listener, she always has been. I must make a point of telling her that one day.
So that's what I did, I told my Mum everything (which I've always done really) and the fact that she listened and the advice that she gave made me feel better.
Thanks Mum x
I had a long soak in the bath, ate a Fry's Chocolate Cream bar, and watched the film, Almost Famous, while switching off almost completely and just not thinking. At the end of the film, when I got out of the bath I just wanted a hug. I wanted to be back with my family in my own home and be able to have the person I married give me a hug, or my son distract me, or just have familiar surroundings.
The phone had gone and I guessed it would have been my Mum who called and I suddenly just wanted to talk to her and tell her all the things that had happened this week, just to get it out of my head and have someone listen. My Mum is a good listener, she always has been. I must make a point of telling her that one day.
So that's what I did, I told my Mum everything (which I've always done really) and the fact that she listened and the advice that she gave made me feel better.
Thanks Mum x
Tuesday, 31 March 2009
Excluded
During a fraught and difficult conversation with B yesterday she mentioned something that my Dad apparently said over the weekend, something along the lines of "I'll remember the of 2 years ago".
WTF?
I. AM. STILL. HERE!
Yes, I look different, I use a different name, wear different clothes, maybe have slightly altered mannerisms and speech, but IT IS STILL ME!
Aside from the obvious physical changes that the hormones are causing there is no significant difference between me 2 years ago and me now. Well, okay, that is stretching things a little (a lot) but essentially, most of the things I like, do, think about, enjoy, dislike, know, etc are all 100% identical. I'm still silly, immature, geek, techie, fat (damn hormones), enjoy food, wine, laughing, joking, crying, etc.
I am not a totally different person. I know that may be hard to appreciate and there is ALOT that someone who has known the 'old' me for so long would have to get use to, but the essence is still the same.
I am not going to be with my parents/family to celebrate when my Dad retires (which is today). I won't be there when we drag him out to the pub for a meal/drink. Or when my sister presents him with some silly gift and wacky card. I won't be there to talk about computers with my Dad or plan the super-duper machine he's going to get (eventually) with his pension. I won't be involved in telling silly jokes/stories about how my Dad is planning to be a house husband, or wondering who will buy his old scooter or whether he still needs it.
I can't be seen. I can't be talked about. I can't be acknowledged. I can't have the full support of my family to be who I am.
I can be excluded.
WTF?
I. AM. STILL. HERE!
Yes, I look different, I use a different name, wear different clothes, maybe have slightly altered mannerisms and speech, but IT IS STILL ME!
Aside from the obvious physical changes that the hormones are causing there is no significant difference between me 2 years ago and me now. Well, okay, that is stretching things a little (a lot) but essentially, most of the things I like, do, think about, enjoy, dislike, know, etc are all 100% identical. I'm still silly, immature, geek, techie, fat (damn hormones), enjoy food, wine, laughing, joking, crying, etc.
I am not a totally different person. I know that may be hard to appreciate and there is ALOT that someone who has known the 'old' me for so long would have to get use to, but the essence is still the same.
I am not going to be with my parents/family to celebrate when my Dad retires (which is today). I won't be there when we drag him out to the pub for a meal/drink. Or when my sister presents him with some silly gift and wacky card. I won't be there to talk about computers with my Dad or plan the super-duper machine he's going to get (eventually) with his pension. I won't be involved in telling silly jokes/stories about how my Dad is planning to be a house husband, or wondering who will buy his old scooter or whether he still needs it.
I can't be seen. I can't be talked about. I can't be acknowledged. I can't have the full support of my family to be who I am.
I can be excluded.
Saturday, 14 February 2009
"I'm going slighty mad" (sung to the Queen song of the same name)
I've never been really good at talking about in-depth things in an, erm, well, in-depth way. Careful analysis of the blog posts will reveal that they are essentially quite superficial and in some ways more of an escape than a reality.
In some ways I think this is ironic: I have spent alot of my life in denial and now that I'm living which should be my ideal reality I'm hiding from that as well. I think that really this is another one of those coping strategies: I really can't handle reality at all and need to have lots of things to distract me from the sheer horror of it all.
It's also difficult to tell what I'm going through because, as well as hiding as much of the 'crazy' from everyone else as is possible, I hide it from myself. It occurred to me tonight that in some ways the craziness in my head might have been an early clue as to the gender turmoil. I don't mean to imply that, as a rule, females should be in some way mentally unstable but that they 'think' more about things partly due to the fact that there are apparently more connections intra-hemisphere connections in a womans brain.
This may be psuedo-science (please someone correct me if it is) but my theory as to why I'm crazy is that I have an over-active imagination that is partly caused by simply having so much stuff being triggered in my head - I can't just take things as they I, I imagine to the nth degree and this just causes so much to deal with. The only thing I can do is distract myself (hence the obsession with computers and similar - I am a geek, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I *have* to be like that to stay sane).
I think the hormones and what I'm going through in my life and making this all worse. It's harder to keep a lid on the crazy stuff and I can no longer just carry on as if everything is normal and that I'm just happy go-lucky. I'm trying deperately to hold it together but I think the more I do that the harder it gets and the more the craziness leaks out.
It is even worse that I don't have someone special in my life to dump all this on. Though this is probably a very good thing for that person.
In some ways I think this is ironic: I have spent alot of my life in denial and now that I'm living which should be my ideal reality I'm hiding from that as well. I think that really this is another one of those coping strategies: I really can't handle reality at all and need to have lots of things to distract me from the sheer horror of it all.
It's also difficult to tell what I'm going through because, as well as hiding as much of the 'crazy' from everyone else as is possible, I hide it from myself. It occurred to me tonight that in some ways the craziness in my head might have been an early clue as to the gender turmoil. I don't mean to imply that, as a rule, females should be in some way mentally unstable but that they 'think' more about things partly due to the fact that there are apparently more connections intra-hemisphere connections in a womans brain.
This may be psuedo-science (please someone correct me if it is) but my theory as to why I'm crazy is that I have an over-active imagination that is partly caused by simply having so much stuff being triggered in my head - I can't just take things as they I, I imagine to the nth degree and this just causes so much to deal with. The only thing I can do is distract myself (hence the obsession with computers and similar - I am a geek, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I *have* to be like that to stay sane).
I think the hormones and what I'm going through in my life and making this all worse. It's harder to keep a lid on the crazy stuff and I can no longer just carry on as if everything is normal and that I'm just happy go-lucky. I'm trying deperately to hold it together but I think the more I do that the harder it gets and the more the craziness leaks out.
It is even worse that I don't have someone special in my life to dump all this on. Though this is probably a very good thing for that person.
Thursday, 12 February 2009
Rejection
Something else that was said tonight was that my new identity had 'killed' the old me. That I still sounded like the old me but didn't look the same and was no longer 'me'.
I've just been thinking about this and I think it's one of the things that hurts the most. I am still 'me', I still thing about the same things, still have the same personality, still care in the same way. My new identity hasn't killed off the old - I'm still here, it's still me inside!!!
I know this may seem at odds with the fact that I am obviously different in many ways but it's still also a 'me' that feels the same about alot of things inside and it hurts to not have that recognised or acknowledged and to be treated like something evil and destructive.
I've just been thinking about this and I think it's one of the things that hurts the most. I am still 'me', I still thing about the same things, still have the same personality, still care in the same way. My new identity hasn't killed off the old - I'm still here, it's still me inside!!!
I know this may seem at odds with the fact that I am obviously different in many ways but it's still also a 'me' that feels the same about alot of things inside and it hurts to not have that recognised or acknowledged and to be treated like something evil and destructive.
Coping strategies
I've probably mentioned innumerable times that I am stupid, but I don't think anyone really takes me seriously on this, or if they do, the understand it to mean something different, e.g. that I'm not very clever which isn't really true, I *am* quite clever. I'm just incredibly 'stupid' at the same time.
I just spoke to B and she is very upset. One reason for this should be patently obvious: Valentines. It's not likely to be a happy time for anyone going through a break-up or living with the aftermath of one. Sobbing on the phone has got to be one of the saddest sounds ever.
I should be distraught at the moment, I should be totally beside myself with sadness and the utter unfairness of not having a partner, family or any of those things I once had. I am all alone - which is a very sad thought - shouldn't I at least be a little bit angry with the world for this?
But I'm not like that. For the most part I just accept what is going on. I would dearly love to have everything back but I don't think about it since it just isn't that way. I'm really too stupid to see how hideously sad the whole situation is I'm just plodding on with my life because there is nothing that is going to fix any of this.
Someone may say that I'm being selfish and self-obsessed and that's why I don't feel sad or angry or anything like that. This would be a credible explanation if what I have was so much better than what I had. I got to lose so much and haven't replaced it with anything in return. I'm not living the life of Riley or anything like that and I've got no prospect of some magical happily ever after, completely the opposite.
But the bottom line is that I *AM* stupid. I am too stupid to fully understand the pain that I have caused others and myself and the full ramifications of the situation that I am in.
I just spoke to B and she is very upset. One reason for this should be patently obvious: Valentines. It's not likely to be a happy time for anyone going through a break-up or living with the aftermath of one. Sobbing on the phone has got to be one of the saddest sounds ever.
I should be distraught at the moment, I should be totally beside myself with sadness and the utter unfairness of not having a partner, family or any of those things I once had. I am all alone - which is a very sad thought - shouldn't I at least be a little bit angry with the world for this?
But I'm not like that. For the most part I just accept what is going on. I would dearly love to have everything back but I don't think about it since it just isn't that way. I'm really too stupid to see how hideously sad the whole situation is I'm just plodding on with my life because there is nothing that is going to fix any of this.
Someone may say that I'm being selfish and self-obsessed and that's why I don't feel sad or angry or anything like that. This would be a credible explanation if what I have was so much better than what I had. I got to lose so much and haven't replaced it with anything in return. I'm not living the life of Riley or anything like that and I've got no prospect of some magical happily ever after, completely the opposite.
But the bottom line is that I *AM* stupid. I am too stupid to fully understand the pain that I have caused others and myself and the full ramifications of the situation that I am in.
Friday, 6 February 2009
Transition tips
I was going to try and be smart and do numbered transition tips but frankly I'm not that organised (though I am much better with numbers than I am with names) and really my experiences and random useful (hopefully) information is scattered in a rather ad hoc fashion though-out this blog.
Anyway (I use that word alot), it's been a hectic week, work wise, and also from an emotional point of view as well I guess, and it's only with the clarity afforded by sitting down and relaxing with a few glasses of red wine that I can attempt to put something coherent down on, well, keyboard.
I think the lesson from this week is patience. I think I got myself feeling bad because I jumped from noticing some minor signs of development/progress to assuming that I should be completely there now and then seeing that I'm nowhere near! So that then made me feel bad and almost took me back to the beginning of how I felt.
Also at this point I started to have alot of doubts about what I am doing (I wasn't going to write about this but, red wine, feeling like writing lots to what the hell). It almost got to the point where I started considering just packing everything in. Some of these feelings are down to the fact that I am really begining to understand and feel what I have lost and am desperate to try and get it back.
I have said before that I had a home, a family, a partner, and essentially a life. I'm not sure that it is possible to convey in words how much it is possible to miss those things when they sound so simple; they are things that alot of people have. I think the only way that I deal with not having them is simply by not thinking about it. This is a bad approach. I say this from the comfort of my delusional (and wine enhanced) bubble, if I think about it just a fraction the pain is unbearable but might be something I should face rather than avoid.
I think doubts are to be expected and, as with everything I'm going through at the moment, patience and perspective are needed. I know that hormones won't make me into a woman, but I need the physical, and mental, changes to happen to help me see myself as I truly am (sorry, that sounds cliched). At the moment I'm seeing what is there at the moment and, objectively, that isn't anywhere near what I feel I should be.
The bottom line is that this is a long and diffcult process and nothing happens overnight. It's equally not as easy as it may look and there are lots of ups and downs. While everyone else may realise that sometimes it's easy to forget it yourself and end up feeling down, confused, and unsure how to go on.
Anyway (I use that word alot), it's been a hectic week, work wise, and also from an emotional point of view as well I guess, and it's only with the clarity afforded by sitting down and relaxing with a few glasses of red wine that I can attempt to put something coherent down on, well, keyboard.
I think the lesson from this week is patience. I think I got myself feeling bad because I jumped from noticing some minor signs of development/progress to assuming that I should be completely there now and then seeing that I'm nowhere near! So that then made me feel bad and almost took me back to the beginning of how I felt.
Also at this point I started to have alot of doubts about what I am doing (I wasn't going to write about this but, red wine, feeling like writing lots to what the hell). It almost got to the point where I started considering just packing everything in. Some of these feelings are down to the fact that I am really begining to understand and feel what I have lost and am desperate to try and get it back.
I have said before that I had a home, a family, a partner, and essentially a life. I'm not sure that it is possible to convey in words how much it is possible to miss those things when they sound so simple; they are things that alot of people have. I think the only way that I deal with not having them is simply by not thinking about it. This is a bad approach. I say this from the comfort of my delusional (and wine enhanced) bubble, if I think about it just a fraction the pain is unbearable but might be something I should face rather than avoid.
I think doubts are to be expected and, as with everything I'm going through at the moment, patience and perspective are needed. I know that hormones won't make me into a woman, but I need the physical, and mental, changes to happen to help me see myself as I truly am (sorry, that sounds cliched). At the moment I'm seeing what is there at the moment and, objectively, that isn't anywhere near what I feel I should be.
The bottom line is that this is a long and diffcult process and nothing happens overnight. It's equally not as easy as it may look and there are lots of ups and downs. While everyone else may realise that sometimes it's easy to forget it yourself and end up feeling down, confused, and unsure how to go on.
Sunday, 1 February 2009
Missing them terribly
Emotions seem to be sneaking up on me at the moment. It's all very well trying to put a brave face on things and carry on as normal but it still hurts.
I saw my son this weekend and he had to leave at 12 to go to a party, which was fine, not going to stand in the way of his social life. Didn't think anything of him leaving, it was just one of those things it's happened many weekends before. No real impact, just got on with things, until I opened the fridge and saw the cream cake that he was going to have but which we forgot about.
I know it sounds silly but something little and insignificant like that really did upset me and I suddenly missed him lots.
I'm missing my old life quite a bit at the moment. I miss having a home, partner, son, family and all those things that you're meant to have. I miss being there to look after B and my son. I guess the relationships between us all are getting better now but in some ways that just makes it worse as it's easier to see the good things without there being tension in the way.
I don't feel too well at the moment either, nothing serious but kind of dull headache and cold-like symptoms. I feel quite tired too - certainly this weekend I've had irregular sleep and have dozed off after reading a bedtime book with my son and then woken up about an hour later feeling quite disorientated. It's kind of a similar feeling to when I use to travel and would come back jet-lagged and fall asleep in my sons room.
The flat is cold also and that doesn't help, neither does the fact that I haven't got any proper exercise in ages. I just want some warmer weather or a warmer house (well a home is what I really want) just so I feel a bit more comfortable.
I best get to bed now, I'm up late tonight when I really just feel like falling into bed and sleeping ... but gotta get up early tomorrow.
I saw my son this weekend and he had to leave at 12 to go to a party, which was fine, not going to stand in the way of his social life. Didn't think anything of him leaving, it was just one of those things it's happened many weekends before. No real impact, just got on with things, until I opened the fridge and saw the cream cake that he was going to have but which we forgot about.
I know it sounds silly but something little and insignificant like that really did upset me and I suddenly missed him lots.
I'm missing my old life quite a bit at the moment. I miss having a home, partner, son, family and all those things that you're meant to have. I miss being there to look after B and my son. I guess the relationships between us all are getting better now but in some ways that just makes it worse as it's easier to see the good things without there being tension in the way.
I don't feel too well at the moment either, nothing serious but kind of dull headache and cold-like symptoms. I feel quite tired too - certainly this weekend I've had irregular sleep and have dozed off after reading a bedtime book with my son and then woken up about an hour later feeling quite disorientated. It's kind of a similar feeling to when I use to travel and would come back jet-lagged and fall asleep in my sons room.
The flat is cold also and that doesn't help, neither does the fact that I haven't got any proper exercise in ages. I just want some warmer weather or a warmer house (well a home is what I really want) just so I feel a bit more comfortable.
I best get to bed now, I'm up late tonight when I really just feel like falling into bed and sleeping ... but gotta get up early tomorrow.
Sunday, 21 December 2008
Drunk again
Well, it is gone 3am and I'm back for the work Christmas party and I talked to some wonderful people and ate some nice food and drank alot of wine. So all in all a really good Christmas party.
But, I am back in my hotel room with tears streaming down my face - why? Well partly alcohol-induced I guess I just feel lonely. I have no-one to come back to, no-one to share Christmas with, no-one to who fancies me or who thinks I am special.
Hmm, I could go on but it's self-indulgent self-pity really and I'm sure no-one really wants to read that.
I think the only think worth mentioning is that, while I can generally can keep things together on a day-to-day basis there comes a point when everything just gets too much - I've reached and past that point. This year can't end soon enough, it has been too painful and it seems to be coming to a close with more thing going adly wrong than I had expected,
F***, sh** ,,, I really don't have the energy for more comment.
But, I am back in my hotel room with tears streaming down my face - why? Well partly alcohol-induced I guess I just feel lonely. I have no-one to come back to, no-one to share Christmas with, no-one to who fancies me or who thinks I am special.
Hmm, I could go on but it's self-indulgent self-pity really and I'm sure no-one really wants to read that.
I think the only think worth mentioning is that, while I can generally can keep things together on a day-to-day basis there comes a point when everything just gets too much - I've reached and past that point. This year can't end soon enough, it has been too painful and it seems to be coming to a close with more thing going adly wrong than I had expected,
F***, sh** ,,, I really don't have the energy for more comment.
Friday, 28 November 2008
Be careful what you wish for
I guess most people would view starting treatment and making a transition as essentially getting everything you want/need and that it is as simple and clear-cut as that. As if that was the obvious thing that you knew would always happen. Like it would be the total solution to every and all of your problems. I can't really speak for other trans people but for me this isn't the case.
I'm actually finding this a little difficult to explain and to old onto the ideas to write about them.
For me it just isn't that glaringly obvious - maybe it is to outside observers but for my own internal struggle it is somewhat elusive. But it is constant. I've changed lots and I continue to want to change and make the bits of me I don't like look better/different. It's easy for me to ignore things as I can concentrate on something and almost forget but it always comes back eventually. And it's the constant nagging feeling that I need to be different that has now taken over and, because I recognise what it is I'm heading down this path. Don't for aa minute think that this is going to be heading for some sort of nirvana though.
My son is staying with me tonight and tomorrow and I just read him a story before and, as usual he asked me to sit with him for a while so we snuggled into bed and, as he curled up to go to sleep he found my hand and held onto it while he dozed off.
Tears were rolling down my face when he did that and they are as I write about it now. I remembered how I've helped look after my (our) son since he was born, how I rocked him to sleep, how I was there when he wa ill. His Mum has been the one to do the most to be fair (particularly while I travelled alot) but I've still been there at important points in his life and I love him dearly and so much that it hurts sometimes.
How can I go ahead with such a radical change in my life when I have such a wonderful son and had such a good, and 'normal' life? The honest answer is that I really don't know, part of me can't believe what has happened, but the desire to change has, I think always been inside me, it won't go away and has leaked out in many ways over the years.
I don't know how this transition is going to affect me or my son, his Mum and everyone else. I don't know what it is going to be like to hug my son or hold his hand when my hands, and skin, and body are going to change. I don't know whether how I look, smell, feel, act an sound is going to stop my son recognising me as a parent who cared and still cares for him. I guess all my thoughts and talking about losing importsnt things in my life are nothing when you're actually faced with the very real prospect that that might happen.
All I can say to my son is: I love you dearly and I'm sorry if what I do hurts you in any way. And to his mum: I am truly sorry to have not been what you wanted and needed in a partner.
I'm actually finding this a little difficult to explain and to old onto the ideas to write about them.
For me it just isn't that glaringly obvious - maybe it is to outside observers but for my own internal struggle it is somewhat elusive. But it is constant. I've changed lots and I continue to want to change and make the bits of me I don't like look better/different. It's easy for me to ignore things as I can concentrate on something and almost forget but it always comes back eventually. And it's the constant nagging feeling that I need to be different that has now taken over and, because I recognise what it is I'm heading down this path. Don't for aa minute think that this is going to be heading for some sort of nirvana though.
My son is staying with me tonight and tomorrow and I just read him a story before and, as usual he asked me to sit with him for a while so we snuggled into bed and, as he curled up to go to sleep he found my hand and held onto it while he dozed off.
Tears were rolling down my face when he did that and they are as I write about it now. I remembered how I've helped look after my (our) son since he was born, how I rocked him to sleep, how I was there when he wa ill. His Mum has been the one to do the most to be fair (particularly while I travelled alot) but I've still been there at important points in his life and I love him dearly and so much that it hurts sometimes.
How can I go ahead with such a radical change in my life when I have such a wonderful son and had such a good, and 'normal' life? The honest answer is that I really don't know, part of me can't believe what has happened, but the desire to change has, I think always been inside me, it won't go away and has leaked out in many ways over the years.
I don't know how this transition is going to affect me or my son, his Mum and everyone else. I don't know what it is going to be like to hug my son or hold his hand when my hands, and skin, and body are going to change. I don't know whether how I look, smell, feel, act an sound is going to stop my son recognising me as a parent who cared and still cares for him. I guess all my thoughts and talking about losing importsnt things in my life are nothing when you're actually faced with the very real prospect that that might happen.
All I can say to my son is: I love you dearly and I'm sorry if what I do hurts you in any way. And to his mum: I am truly sorry to have not been what you wanted and needed in a partner.
"Wishing That"
"Wishing That" is the title of a song by Jann Arden and the lyrics are, in some ways pertinent and poignant at this point in time.
I've just been reminded that it's not just me going through extreme emotions and confusion at this time, B is suffereing a great deal as I guess are the rest of my family and maybe even some of my friends.
I guess it's nice to view my appointment in 7 days time as a "start" but equally, and more importantly for the others unfortunate to be tied up in this mess of a life, it would be seen as a bitter "end".
I can't think of the words to describe how unfair it is that B has to suffer like this. I'm not even sure if I can comprehend it to be able to write about it to be honest, I think alot of this really is just beyond rational thought and certainly something that my selfish mind probably doesn't want to consider.
I am sorry.
I've just been reminded that it's not just me going through extreme emotions and confusion at this time, B is suffereing a great deal as I guess are the rest of my family and maybe even some of my friends.
I guess it's nice to view my appointment in 7 days time as a "start" but equally, and more importantly for the others unfortunate to be tied up in this mess of a life, it would be seen as a bitter "end".
I can't think of the words to describe how unfair it is that B has to suffer like this. I'm not even sure if I can comprehend it to be able to write about it to be honest, I think alot of this really is just beyond rational thought and certainly something that my selfish mind probably doesn't want to consider.
I am sorry.
Last days of battle or just the beginning of the war?
Everything is wrong. I don't look, sound, act, or feel right. I guess this was to be expected I'm now approaching what is probably going to be one of the most 'real' experiences in my life and even my usually good level of denial simply can't cope with that. I am seeing everything in sharp, frightening, clarity and it's not pretty at all.
The fact is that the minor achievements pale into insignificance next to the overwhelming truth; I am not female (yet) in body or mind (well that bit may be closer but there's still an awful lot of junk in the way). I really do look horrible and this is not just an expression of self-doubt it's a simple fact. To even venture out means that I have to expend a great deal of effort to even start to hide some of the more obvious signs and to adorn myself with things that make me feel a little closer to what I want to be; make-up jewelery, and obviously clothes.
But it is a constant fight and one that doesn't seem to ever get completely won, the best I can hope for is a truce most days. I desperately need to have my next session of laser treatment (and probably lots more next year - no idea how I'm going to afford them) as that part of my appearance is upsetting me at the moment as my current body makes a desperate (and hopefully) futile attempt to re-assert itself.
I'm happiest when I'm not thinking and I managed that, briefly, while watching Mamma Mia on DVD last night. Of course I can't STOP thinking completely so I was trying to figure out which characters I identified with, or was attracted to, or would like to be. Can't say I came to a complete conclusion though the fact that I was crying at bits, jigging around on the sofa and singing like a lunatic is probably a pretty firm indication that I'm quite well away from 'male' in my reaction to the film!
I think the hardest thing is that, as I said above, I don't have the body or appropriate chemicals in my bloodstream to really help me feel the way I want to without as much doubt. I've always thought (and I think I have mentioned this before) that someones personality is not just down to their brain/mind/whatever but is a result of all of them. I guess for a trans person this means that, initially there is something of a fight going on (I appologise now for this blog post and the ones to come where I am probably going to be stating the blindingly obvious quite alot).
So where does that leave me? Well I have 7 days to go until my appointment so plenty of time to get myself even more confused. Will it make me doubt what I'm going to do? Almost certainly! Will it stop me? No. Will I stop asking rhetorical questions? Wow, I think I actually spelt "rhetorical" right!
I don't know how I'm going to turn out and what the future holds but I guess I'm just going to have to deal with it. I guess now would be the time when I could do with having someone special to share my life with, as Lucy noted, this time of year is best shared and that goes double when your Christmas 'present' is somewhat unconventional and life changing. But I have some amazing friends who have been and continue to be so supportive, with their help I have the best chance possible of getting through this.
[ I really would feel better to be able to indulge in a bit of self-pity and have a bit of a cry ... however I'm just so insanely naive and stupid that I often fail to see the full gravity of the situation and generally revert to being ridiculously cheerful or silly - I'm sure it's just a coping mechanism but it can be rather annoying! ]
The fact is that the minor achievements pale into insignificance next to the overwhelming truth; I am not female (yet) in body or mind (well that bit may be closer but there's still an awful lot of junk in the way). I really do look horrible and this is not just an expression of self-doubt it's a simple fact. To even venture out means that I have to expend a great deal of effort to even start to hide some of the more obvious signs and to adorn myself with things that make me feel a little closer to what I want to be; make-up jewelery, and obviously clothes.
But it is a constant fight and one that doesn't seem to ever get completely won, the best I can hope for is a truce most days. I desperately need to have my next session of laser treatment (and probably lots more next year - no idea how I'm going to afford them) as that part of my appearance is upsetting me at the moment as my current body makes a desperate (and hopefully) futile attempt to re-assert itself.
I'm happiest when I'm not thinking and I managed that, briefly, while watching Mamma Mia on DVD last night. Of course I can't STOP thinking completely so I was trying to figure out which characters I identified with, or was attracted to, or would like to be. Can't say I came to a complete conclusion though the fact that I was crying at bits, jigging around on the sofa and singing like a lunatic is probably a pretty firm indication that I'm quite well away from 'male' in my reaction to the film!
I think the hardest thing is that, as I said above, I don't have the body or appropriate chemicals in my bloodstream to really help me feel the way I want to without as much doubt. I've always thought (and I think I have mentioned this before) that someones personality is not just down to their brain/mind/whatever but is a result of all of them. I guess for a trans person this means that, initially there is something of a fight going on (I appologise now for this blog post and the ones to come where I am probably going to be stating the blindingly obvious quite alot).
So where does that leave me? Well I have 7 days to go until my appointment so plenty of time to get myself even more confused. Will it make me doubt what I'm going to do? Almost certainly! Will it stop me? No. Will I stop asking rhetorical questions? Wow, I think I actually spelt "rhetorical" right!
I don't know how I'm going to turn out and what the future holds but I guess I'm just going to have to deal with it. I guess now would be the time when I could do with having someone special to share my life with, as Lucy noted, this time of year is best shared and that goes double when your Christmas 'present' is somewhat unconventional and life changing. But I have some amazing friends who have been and continue to be so supportive, with their help I have the best chance possible of getting through this.
[ I really would feel better to be able to indulge in a bit of self-pity and have a bit of a cry ... however I'm just so insanely naive and stupid that I often fail to see the full gravity of the situation and generally revert to being ridiculously cheerful or silly - I'm sure it's just a coping mechanism but it can be rather annoying! ]
Wednesday, 12 November 2008
23 days and counting
I guess it seems a long time since I started on this path (I really need to fine better metaphors for this - everyone uses paths, road, journeys, adventures, etc) but in reality it hasn't been long since I went for my first appointment and decided on taking the RLE (Real Life Experience) route.
I thought this would be the easy option as I was already spending more and more time presenting as the female me. In fact at the time I remember thinking, and maybe even writing here (too lazy to check), that it was the obvious thing to do and meant that I would feel better being able to present how I felt I wanted to.
But it's not easy. It is fun at first and certainly I can't see me presenting/living any other way, but after the novelty wears off I am now left with the sad reality that I have a long list of 'faults' and a long long way to go to rectify them.
Alot of people also suggest that things are done using a clean sweep, for example changing job or starting with a complete new image with everything intact and sorted out, e.g. appearance, name, etc. I think other people in this situation have actually kept the final 'coming-out' until they are well on their way in terms of hormone treatment and even surgery.
I haven't done it that way.
I think I have probably done it the hard way in reality. Yes, I am getting to wear what I like and change my identity (gradually), but I also have to live with my appearance and everything about me being far from perfect or complete. This makes it hard to transition properly in many ways, for example the name change has been okay but people at work still make mistakes, somewhat understandably*, and that grates at best and at worst knocks a chunk out of my confidence each time it happens.
[ * - Yes, I get remembering a name change being hard, particularly given my appearance, but it's strange how some people insist on using a name in normal conversation. It's fine to attract attention, e.g. "Fiona, can you just ...", but when in a discussion why do you need to use anyone's name. Exercise for the reader: listen to when people do this and see if it is a) just silly, b) patronizing, c) complimentary, d) just a quirk of odd people ]
So, I potentially have only 23 days to go before I may be able to start hormone treatment. As this time ticks away and other things in life affect my thoughts and feelings I'm obviosuly beginning to think seriously about what I'm doing. I guess to over-use some more metaphors I'm "taking stock", or looking at the "state of play". Here's what I've come up with:
I was trying to make a point and really make myself feel down but guess I've just rambled again. I would probably also count this as a plus; so far I've not had to deal with anything really difficult or what I have gone through I've coped with - either way I hope this is how it continues.
I thought this would be the easy option as I was already spending more and more time presenting as the female me. In fact at the time I remember thinking, and maybe even writing here (too lazy to check), that it was the obvious thing to do and meant that I would feel better being able to present how I felt I wanted to.
But it's not easy. It is fun at first and certainly I can't see me presenting/living any other way, but after the novelty wears off I am now left with the sad reality that I have a long list of 'faults' and a long long way to go to rectify them.
Alot of people also suggest that things are done using a clean sweep, for example changing job or starting with a complete new image with everything intact and sorted out, e.g. appearance, name, etc. I think other people in this situation have actually kept the final 'coming-out' until they are well on their way in terms of hormone treatment and even surgery.
I haven't done it that way.
I think I have probably done it the hard way in reality. Yes, I am getting to wear what I like and change my identity (gradually), but I also have to live with my appearance and everything about me being far from perfect or complete. This makes it hard to transition properly in many ways, for example the name change has been okay but people at work still make mistakes, somewhat understandably*, and that grates at best and at worst knocks a chunk out of my confidence each time it happens.
[ * - Yes, I get remembering a name change being hard, particularly given my appearance, but it's strange how some people insist on using a name in normal conversation. It's fine to attract attention, e.g. "Fiona, can you just ...", but when in a discussion why do you need to use anyone's name. Exercise for the reader: listen to when people do this and see if it is a) just silly, b) patronizing, c) complimentary, d) just a quirk of odd people ]
So, I potentially have only 23 days to go before I may be able to start hormone treatment. As this time ticks away and other things in life affect my thoughts and feelings I'm obviosuly beginning to think seriously about what I'm doing. I guess to over-use some more metaphors I'm "taking stock", or looking at the "state of play". Here's what I've come up with:
- I have limited confidence
- I have limited finances (some of this is self-inflicted)
- I am under pressure now to maintain a job so that I can keep both myself and the family I once had in a flat and house respectively
- I have, what seems like, unlimited debt - okay maybe not the worst in the world but a big chunk (yes, self-inflicted I know)
- I have little prospect of any normal relationship or life anymore no matter what
- I have the propsect of losing touch with my son once the changes from hormones get noticeable
- I have to live with all of this for the rest of my life
I was trying to make a point and really make myself feel down but guess I've just rambled again. I would probably also count this as a plus; so far I've not had to deal with anything really difficult or what I have gone through I've coped with - either way I hope this is how it continues.
Thursday, 30 October 2008
Drunken rant time
Well, I've been good for so long and kept everything under control and not let anything get to me so it was bound to all explode sooner or later. I say "explode" but really I'm nowhere near as wound up as I can be so this is mainly fueled by the bottle of wine that my liver is, rather efficiently, disposing of at the moment - so it fact I'm not really that drunk anymore (which is a shame).
First of all I'm having nasty attacks of reality at the moment which is not good - it is very hard to maintain the self delusion that you are passable and that everything is going to be fine and you really will look and feel how you want to in the face of obvious and compelling evidence. This is a hard feeling to relate to unless you yourself have every doubted your own gender or identity. It can be like fighting against a whirlpool as you try to swim to the shore you know you need to reach but you are instead pulled round and round, and ever closer to sinking, into the identity that you have been use to for so long and that is expected of you. When you are trapped in the current and only get glimpses of the calm water and bountiful shore beyond, how can you see anything other than the black centre of the, seemingly, bottomless funnel that is dragging you in?
[ Note: yes, I'm aware that this is over-metaphorical drivel and totally self indulgent but it's my blog and I'm feeling down so I can write what I want! ]
[ Note on the note: I just thought it would be fun to do a note on the note I just wrote, I probably will find this cringingly embarassing in the morning so please ignore me ]
So, why did I even start to down a whole bottle of wine (yes, I can get to this level of verbal garbage on only one bottle of wine which is good and bad - I'm clearly nowhere near alcoholism but certainly not going to achieve literary excellence through drunken clarity either)? Well there were a few things; a general dip in self confidence and attack of reality where I can see things that make me doubt that I will ever look/feel right, but also some sense that things have been a little unfair on me recently.
The thing that is really getting me upset is that my parents are likely to be coming down to see my son next weekend. This in itself is a very good thing; it is always going to be hard on the family of the person "at fault" in a break--up where grand-children (or niece/nephews) are concerned. I really do want my parents to see their grandson and for him to see them.
What gets me is that I'm not going to get to see my parents even though they are going to be only a a few miles (literally) away when they come down to pick up my son so they can see him for a day. I mean, in the normal course of things if you were a few miles from a blood relative you'd pop in to see them wouldn't you?
But, no, I'm too weird, I've obviously done something so terrible that I can't be visited. Yes, I know it's tough on my family and friends that I'm a transgendered and that I look different to how I was before all of this. And yes, it's hard to deal with that I'm going to be taking hormones and doing all sorts of other things to change how I look and none of this is "normal" ... and of course, it's pretty bad that I've wrecked a marriage and possibly a childhood. I'm still their child and a human being though, why am I now so repulsive and repugnant that I don't deserve to even see my own parents?
It's almost sureal writing this - I live on my own, I don't have free access to my son and my family and I am, no matter how much I try and hold myself together, totally confused and adrift in my life. How did things get like this? Is it all really worth it? Is this some big joke or a ginormous mistake? I feel that I want to me something else but everything I know and have gotten use to is pulling me back. And I shouldn't be feeling like this when I'm so far along this path, I should be more certain and less consumed with doubt and confusion.
I had a good idea for a painting as well; not that I could ever paint it myself so I'll have to try and describe it: a figure ripping at her flesh and tearing away some outer skin to reveal, not a beautiful woman, but just a normal, plain, but most definitely female form. I'm sure this has already been done and I'm probably just remembering an image I've already seen. I think it would only be complete if there was some way to depict the act of pulling away some thoughts and, mainly, doubts, from inside this persons head.
Tired now, and sobering up so will post this before I realise what garbage it is.
First of all I'm having nasty attacks of reality at the moment which is not good - it is very hard to maintain the self delusion that you are passable and that everything is going to be fine and you really will look and feel how you want to in the face of obvious and compelling evidence. This is a hard feeling to relate to unless you yourself have every doubted your own gender or identity. It can be like fighting against a whirlpool as you try to swim to the shore you know you need to reach but you are instead pulled round and round, and ever closer to sinking, into the identity that you have been use to for so long and that is expected of you. When you are trapped in the current and only get glimpses of the calm water and bountiful shore beyond, how can you see anything other than the black centre of the, seemingly, bottomless funnel that is dragging you in?
[ Note: yes, I'm aware that this is over-metaphorical drivel and totally self indulgent but it's my blog and I'm feeling down so I can write what I want! ]
[ Note on the note: I just thought it would be fun to do a note on the note I just wrote, I probably will find this cringingly embarassing in the morning so please ignore me ]
So, why did I even start to down a whole bottle of wine (yes, I can get to this level of verbal garbage on only one bottle of wine which is good and bad - I'm clearly nowhere near alcoholism but certainly not going to achieve literary excellence through drunken clarity either)? Well there were a few things; a general dip in self confidence and attack of reality where I can see things that make me doubt that I will ever look/feel right, but also some sense that things have been a little unfair on me recently.
The thing that is really getting me upset is that my parents are likely to be coming down to see my son next weekend. This in itself is a very good thing; it is always going to be hard on the family of the person "at fault" in a break--up where grand-children (or niece/nephews) are concerned. I really do want my parents to see their grandson and for him to see them.
What gets me is that I'm not going to get to see my parents even though they are going to be only a a few miles (literally) away when they come down to pick up my son so they can see him for a day. I mean, in the normal course of things if you were a few miles from a blood relative you'd pop in to see them wouldn't you?
But, no, I'm too weird, I've obviously done something so terrible that I can't be visited. Yes, I know it's tough on my family and friends that I'm a transgendered and that I look different to how I was before all of this. And yes, it's hard to deal with that I'm going to be taking hormones and doing all sorts of other things to change how I look and none of this is "normal" ... and of course, it's pretty bad that I've wrecked a marriage and possibly a childhood. I'm still their child and a human being though, why am I now so repulsive and repugnant that I don't deserve to even see my own parents?
It's almost sureal writing this - I live on my own, I don't have free access to my son and my family and I am, no matter how much I try and hold myself together, totally confused and adrift in my life. How did things get like this? Is it all really worth it? Is this some big joke or a ginormous mistake? I feel that I want to me something else but everything I know and have gotten use to is pulling me back. And I shouldn't be feeling like this when I'm so far along this path, I should be more certain and less consumed with doubt and confusion.
I had a good idea for a painting as well; not that I could ever paint it myself so I'll have to try and describe it: a figure ripping at her flesh and tearing away some outer skin to reveal, not a beautiful woman, but just a normal, plain, but most definitely female form. I'm sure this has already been done and I'm probably just remembering an image I've already seen. I think it would only be complete if there was some way to depict the act of pulling away some thoughts and, mainly, doubts, from inside this persons head.
Tired now, and sobering up so will post this before I realise what garbage it is.
Sunday, 26 October 2008
Where do I start?
I come up with all sorts of cool titles and ideas for blog posts which then evaporate when I actually get time to sit down at the computer. Probably not helped by me posting this after 9pm (GMT so really feels like 10pm BST) on a Sunday night when I really should be getting ready for work tomorrow and snuggling into bed*.
[ * - Was going to say "a warm bed" but it isn't until I've got into it and warmed it up. This is an overly accurate description of the fact that I have no-one else to warm my bed up for me, something I just feel compelled to mention at this point; just another consequence of the choices I have made ]
I've had lots to think about over the weekend in some ways as my son was over from Friday until Sunday and this is the one 'blip' in my usual fulltime regime - I'm not allowed to be 'Fiona' when he is around.
Of course I still am me irrespective of what I wear though it's not easy to remember that as alot of my identity still comes from how I present myself in the clothes I wear along with make-up, hair, accessories, etc. It would be nice to think I'm completely secure in who/what I am but I'm not and it is hard to disconnect feelings from my 'old' life from the idea that they are in some way 'male'.
I've actually noticed a pattern in my feelings when approaching a weekend with my son:
One thing that does stick in my head is a picture from a few months ago (actually maybe 6months ago now) when I still had relatively short hair and was out with my son in Liverpool. I worry (and probably with good reason) that I don't look good or particularly female now (even with straightened hair) but I can try and bury those thoughts under the idea that the hormones will help.
However, looking at this picture I have to say I hate how I looked. Really and truely I look hideous, a joke, just ... I can't think of the adjectives I just never ever want to look like that again, I just hate everything about looking male and stupid and just wrong.
Which kind of brings me back to what I feel about my 'old' and 'new' lives. I am probably floundering somewhat when it comes to presenting as the 'new' me and I can go a bit OTT when it comes to buying new clothes and things. I think this is down to some degree of desperation and futile belief that "this will make me feel more girlie" as a reason for any new purchase.
I don't think 'things' will help in the end (well they do I little I guess) but I'm hoping that the further down along this journey I go the easier it will be to feel right.
I think I really should get to bed as I doubt this is actually a really clear view of what is in my head anymore - things will be clearer in the morning I think.
[ * - Was going to say "a warm bed" but it isn't until I've got into it and warmed it up. This is an overly accurate description of the fact that I have no-one else to warm my bed up for me, something I just feel compelled to mention at this point; just another consequence of the choices I have made ]
I've had lots to think about over the weekend in some ways as my son was over from Friday until Sunday and this is the one 'blip' in my usual fulltime regime - I'm not allowed to be 'Fiona' when he is around.
Of course I still am me irrespective of what I wear though it's not easy to remember that as alot of my identity still comes from how I present myself in the clothes I wear along with make-up, hair, accessories, etc. It would be nice to think I'm completely secure in who/what I am but I'm not and it is hard to disconnect feelings from my 'old' life from the idea that they are in some way 'male'.
I've actually noticed a pattern in my feelings when approaching a weekend with my son:
- First I feel excited to be seeing him and looking forward to doing fun things
- Next comes the wrench of realisation that I have to change from Fiona into someone (in appearance at least) that I no longer like being.
- Then it's the horrible feeling of actually being dressed in, what are now really and physically, ill-fitting clothes and the added emotions of dealing with the situation of seeing my former partner (can't be fun for her either ... she's said as much - which is perfectly understandable)
- Memories of how things were and how I was once a 'normal' father come flooding back and it feels like I've never been nor will be this 'Fiona' person anymore
- Something then re-asserts itself and I maybe over-compensate a bit and try to think female thoughts and behave as less of a man (in reality I don't think this is hard - never really being a really good man/father)
- I then start to dislike the slightest male thing and long to get back into the clothes and presentation in which I am comfortable though I do feel as if this is odd in someway
- After my son leaves it is perculiar that I don't crash into the bedroom and throw on the girliest thing I can find. I do eventually get there and just feel natural and comfortable and almost back to my 'normal' self.
One thing that does stick in my head is a picture from a few months ago (actually maybe 6months ago now) when I still had relatively short hair and was out with my son in Liverpool. I worry (and probably with good reason) that I don't look good or particularly female now (even with straightened hair) but I can try and bury those thoughts under the idea that the hormones will help.
However, looking at this picture I have to say I hate how I looked. Really and truely I look hideous, a joke, just ... I can't think of the adjectives I just never ever want to look like that again, I just hate everything about looking male and stupid and just wrong.
Which kind of brings me back to what I feel about my 'old' and 'new' lives. I am probably floundering somewhat when it comes to presenting as the 'new' me and I can go a bit OTT when it comes to buying new clothes and things. I think this is down to some degree of desperation and futile belief that "this will make me feel more girlie" as a reason for any new purchase.
I don't think 'things' will help in the end (well they do I little I guess) but I'm hoping that the further down along this journey I go the easier it will be to feel right.
I think I really should get to bed as I doubt this is actually a really clear view of what is in my head anymore - things will be clearer in the morning I think.
Wednesday, 15 October 2008
Still an idiot
A few things contributed to this title, the first being the stupid comment I made when someone at work said "See you tomorrow, Fiona" (the e-mail regarding name change was sent round the office yesterday) and I replied "Well done" - what an idiotic thing to say ... "Thank you" or saying nothing would have been more appropriate.
I talked to my sister in the evening and it was clear that she, and the rest of the family are not happy with any of this and this led me to think that, while I seem to be not suffering a great deal during my transition, I am handling it in such a bad way that I'm hurting other people around and likely just storing up pain for myself and everyone else later on.
So dear reader (pretentious but I just wanted to use that phrase 'cos I liked the sound of it) the lesson to learn from all of this is that gender change may make you look a bit different, maybe even sound and act in a way not like how you were ... but if you were an idiot before you'll pretty much still be one afterwards.
I talked to my sister in the evening and it was clear that she, and the rest of the family are not happy with any of this and this led me to think that, while I seem to be not suffering a great deal during my transition, I am handling it in such a bad way that I'm hurting other people around and likely just storing up pain for myself and everyone else later on.
So dear reader (pretentious but I just wanted to use that phrase 'cos I liked the sound of it) the lesson to learn from all of this is that gender change may make you look a bit different, maybe even sound and act in a way not like how you were ... but if you were an idiot before you'll pretty much still be one afterwards.
Thursday, 2 October 2008
How to make the hurt go away?
I don't know how to start writing this or to explain what I feel; it's like frustration and sadness and confusion all together. I have hurt B so much with what I have done, what I am, and what I'm heading for and there is no way that I can make this better, nothing I can do will ever make-up for that.
In fact I guess what I am doing is only going to make things worse and worse and there really isn't any justice in that at all. I think we did have problems in our marriage and maybe we weren't going to be able to stay together and I'm sure we could each make a list of reasons for this (apart from the obvious) but when it comes down to it B is a good person, she is a caring, considerate, thoughtful and the most amazing mother to our son.
She has said lots of times that she doesn't know what she has done to deserve all this and I would have to agree with that sentiment, no-one deserves to go through all of this pain. But I can't be someone different this is me, it's who I am and this is what I feel I must do. In fact I think I have no choice left but to continue on this path. I can't say I feel happy about that at the moment (even after the 'achievements' of this week, I'll post about those later) it's just something that is becoming more and more a reality.
I use to think I had very little impact in the world and generally didn't upset anyone, I think now my life has become so much more complicated and the decisions I have made are having a knock-on affect on so many people as well as causing a great deal of hurt and confusion.
I can't think of any other way to explain how f***ed up everything is.
In fact I guess what I am doing is only going to make things worse and worse and there really isn't any justice in that at all. I think we did have problems in our marriage and maybe we weren't going to be able to stay together and I'm sure we could each make a list of reasons for this (apart from the obvious) but when it comes down to it B is a good person, she is a caring, considerate, thoughtful and the most amazing mother to our son.
She has said lots of times that she doesn't know what she has done to deserve all this and I would have to agree with that sentiment, no-one deserves to go through all of this pain. But I can't be someone different this is me, it's who I am and this is what I feel I must do. In fact I think I have no choice left but to continue on this path. I can't say I feel happy about that at the moment (even after the 'achievements' of this week, I'll post about those later) it's just something that is becoming more and more a reality.
I use to think I had very little impact in the world and generally didn't upset anyone, I think now my life has become so much more complicated and the decisions I have made are having a knock-on affect on so many people as well as causing a great deal of hurt and confusion.
I can't think of any other way to explain how f***ed up everything is.
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