I need a Date

With the onset of autumn this week (yes, I know it seems early but it certainly feels, smells, and looks like we're heading into that season given the recent weather) I've been feeling a little tired and thoughtful - this is of course partially down to having to cycle through the aforementioned weather and also having lots to do at work and at home. So I've been thinking about what can get me out of this slightly lower patch.

Life at the moment is quite busy; lots to do at work, plenty of things to occupy me at the weekend, friends to chat to, trips away to plan. Rachel and I seem to be getting on fine as friends and house-mates so no awkwardness there. In short, there isn't much that should be holding me back.

We just received the e-mail about our works Christmas party which of course has now got me thinking about who I would take along. Also I'm heading to Manchester Pride this weekend and, while I'm meeting up with Lucy on Saturday (which is fantastic, so need to catch up) I've no-one to wander round with on Friday. I know it sounds terribly practical and unromantic but it's just these kind of occasions when having a partner just makes life that little be easier and more fun.

It's nice to have someone to look forward to seeing aswell, someone who makes you happy when you think about them and who's there for a cuddle when that's just what you need to make the problems of life disappear for a few brief moments. And it's nice to be that for someone else as well, to be the person they really want to be with.

I guess this is one of those times when you realise what you had only when it's gone. I waited a long time to start a new relationship and it actually happened when I least expected it. It really did give so much more confidence in myself at the time, and while that hasn't all just vanished, being alone again has had an impact.

I hope I'm not behaving as whiney as the above sounds, I really do think I'm lucky and I've got alot to be very, very, very thankful for, I just need a big kick to get be back to feeling as confident and happy as I should be!

Rushing

One of the things that makes transition so much of a shock for a trans-persons friends and family is the speed at which things can happen. While the transformation is never fast, nor complete, enough for the one going through it the change can be striking and dramatic for outside observers.

There are some very obvious reasons for this. For a start there are the practical aspects; starting RLE (Real Life Experience) means that you can get the treatment you require (hormones not being allowed until you have lived full-time for 3 months in your 'new' gender). Legal requirements also go hand-in-hand with RLE, it's horrible to have to have ID and bank cards in the wrong name and to get those changed means you need a deed poll and appropriate letters from specialists.

Obviously there is also the affects of the floodgates being opened in terms of realising your true self/gender. Having spent so long in denial it is to be expected that there is a degree of catching-up-for-lost-time and moving as fast as is possible to change your image to match as closely as possible to the identity that you are beginning to realise.

All of these reasons are pretty easy to understand and appreciate, but there is something else that occurred to me yesterday as another day with my son came to an end and I had to say goodbye and watch him walk off with his mum. It's simply that you have to do things in a rush so that you don't stop and think about what you have lost or realise how much it hurts.

I think this must be how alot of parents, separated from their family, must feel and I suspect they deal with it in the same way; just try and get on with life. It may seem from the outside that it is a little uncaring to be trying to fill your life with so much else but it really is the only way to deal with things.

".. I'm alright, got a good ole friend here with me tonight, so I guess I'm doing alright"

I've had a fantastic weekend away (more on this later when I'm less tried and more up to rambling) in Birmingham at Lucy's welcome home party and then spending time shopping and chatting and the usual stuff. Quite tired when I was driving home and that might have been one of the reasons why I couldn't keep the tears back while listening to the song that the above quote is taken from, "I'm alright" by Jo Dee Messina.

Hmmm, I did think of really good ways to express what I felt but I've forgotten and can't think of an eloquent way to put it now. So, this will have to suffice:

Thanks for being an amazing friend Lucy!

xxx

P.S. I bet you'll hate this (it's sooo NOT your taste in music): Jo Dee Messina, I'm alright