It probably looks like I just spend my life moaning and whinging about how unfair everything is and that I'm hard done by, and that my entire life revolves around my gender and everything related to that.
Really, it's not like that at all. I don't think about it, I really don't want to talk about it, there are far more important things to be doing with my time than obsessing about who I am. That is now a done deal, it's been figured out, and, short of ongoing treatment and everything related to that, it's a minor consideration now compared to so many more interesting aspects to my life.
Showing posts with label gender. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gender. Show all posts
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
"Are you a he or a she?"
This was the question posed to me by a child, probably around about 10yrs old, who happened to be scooting past my house. There are quite a few kids on those collapsible metal scooters whizzing around the estate where I live, they generally don't do any harm and seem quite absorbed in what they are doing.
But I think sometimes they do look at what's going on around them and I had a feeling that a few of them were looking at me when I arrived back after cycling home. Only this one kid seemed brave or curious enough to ask anything, while stood there on his own.
I wasn't annoyed or upset by the question, quite honestly I looked a mess after cycling over 5miles at some speed, I also had my hair completely tied back so it's quite possible that there are many women that wouldn't look entirely feminine in such a state.
"I'm a she", I answered simply and he looked for a few seconds longer then scooted off as I turned away to go into the house.
I saw him glancing at me a few more times as he went past the house but no other comments or show of interest from the friends he was with, so I'm assuming this really was just the curiosity of one kid and nothing to do with a group wanting to poke fun or anything. In that respect, I'm quite impressed to be asked such a sensible and non-offensive question.
But I think sometimes they do look at what's going on around them and I had a feeling that a few of them were looking at me when I arrived back after cycling home. Only this one kid seemed brave or curious enough to ask anything, while stood there on his own.
I wasn't annoyed or upset by the question, quite honestly I looked a mess after cycling over 5miles at some speed, I also had my hair completely tied back so it's quite possible that there are many women that wouldn't look entirely feminine in such a state.
"I'm a she", I answered simply and he looked for a few seconds longer then scooted off as I turned away to go into the house.
I saw him glancing at me a few more times as he went past the house but no other comments or show of interest from the friends he was with, so I'm assuming this really was just the curiosity of one kid and nothing to do with a group wanting to poke fun or anything. In that respect, I'm quite impressed to be asked such a sensible and non-offensive question.
Thursday, 3 February 2011
Stop and Think
With one thing and another recently I've had quite alot going on and much to think about. While alot of the thinking has either been preoccupation with something that has been bothering me, or distraction to avoid such reality, I've also had a few moments of relative clarity.
Looking back I never could have imagined that my life would be as it is now. So much has changed in the past two and a bit years and it is hard to really see the huge changes completely objectively, for a start there are many things that I regret and that upset me; the distance from my son being the most obvious one.
I generally try to keep everything under control and avoid dwelling too much on the past, I guess the distractions, good and bad, of recent times have helped in that respect and I generally like to keep busy. Things do get past my defences though. A few weeks ago I received by decree absolute, something that I knew was on it's way and that really is only the final piece of paperwork to confirm the end of my marriage. I thought I was prepared for it, but I wasn't, it was still incredibly upsetting.
My son has a busy social life; I always joke that it is much better than mine which may actually be completely accurate (and not entirely a bad thing for him). But this means that he's often got more interesting things to do then spend time with me, or is not available to talk. This really, really is fine and perfectly normal, I so want him to be getting on with things and enjoying himself, I don't want to stand in the way of that. I still can't help being a little upset by it sometimes. I guess this is a purely selfish reaction on my part but nevertheless it's something else I try not to think about.
There are many other aspects of my life and the journey I have taken to get here that I am reflecting on at the moment. One of the reasons for thinking a little deeper than my usual superficial silliness is that I have an appointment in a few weeks for a second opinion from a specialist. I'm likely to be going over all of the same questions that I have been asked before and explaining how I feel and who I am, so naturally this has made me cover the same mental ground as well. The second opinion will hopefully be what helps me move onto the next step in this process, for example, I'll be able to apply for my GRC (Gender Recognition Certificate).
So, lots to think about, not all bad, some of it is even interesting and also surprising but there are also those bits that really will always remain as regrets, albeit, tempered with recognition of how lucky I am and a degree of pragmatism that things can get better :)
Looking back I never could have imagined that my life would be as it is now. So much has changed in the past two and a bit years and it is hard to really see the huge changes completely objectively, for a start there are many things that I regret and that upset me; the distance from my son being the most obvious one.
I generally try to keep everything under control and avoid dwelling too much on the past, I guess the distractions, good and bad, of recent times have helped in that respect and I generally like to keep busy. Things do get past my defences though. A few weeks ago I received by decree absolute, something that I knew was on it's way and that really is only the final piece of paperwork to confirm the end of my marriage. I thought I was prepared for it, but I wasn't, it was still incredibly upsetting.
My son has a busy social life; I always joke that it is much better than mine which may actually be completely accurate (and not entirely a bad thing for him). But this means that he's often got more interesting things to do then spend time with me, or is not available to talk. This really, really is fine and perfectly normal, I so want him to be getting on with things and enjoying himself, I don't want to stand in the way of that. I still can't help being a little upset by it sometimes. I guess this is a purely selfish reaction on my part but nevertheless it's something else I try not to think about.
There are many other aspects of my life and the journey I have taken to get here that I am reflecting on at the moment. One of the reasons for thinking a little deeper than my usual superficial silliness is that I have an appointment in a few weeks for a second opinion from a specialist. I'm likely to be going over all of the same questions that I have been asked before and explaining how I feel and who I am, so naturally this has made me cover the same mental ground as well. The second opinion will hopefully be what helps me move onto the next step in this process, for example, I'll be able to apply for my GRC (Gender Recognition Certificate).
So, lots to think about, not all bad, some of it is even interesting and also surprising but there are also those bits that really will always remain as regrets, albeit, tempered with recognition of how lucky I am and a degree of pragmatism that things can get better :)
Saturday, 5 December 2009
GIC
As well as seeing a private specialist I also got a referral from my G.P. in Chorley to the NHS Gender Identity Clinic in Leeds. Contrary to alot of the reports I read on various forums, it is quite possible and acceptable to go for the shared-care approach rather than having to be limited to only private or only NHS treatment.
So I had my first appointment on Thursday, not actually too far from where I live and not in the middle of Leeds or anything (as I feared) so easy to get to as well. Of course it was a nightmare to park as seems to be the case with all hospitals I've been to (Gordon Brown, here's an idea for all those Banker's bonuses, pay for more parking and let the Nurses and staff park for free).
The appointment was very informal, just the start of the process and really a chance to talk about my history which I did at great speed with many tangents and diversions - I really must learn to slow down and stick to a point! Anyway all seemed to go well and I have another appointment in January to look forward to.
It may not seem like a particularly fast process but I guess the point about alot of the treatment is that there has to be checks to make sure it really is the right thing and also you have to allow time to adjust both physically and mentally to the various changes you go through. Of course it never does seem fast enough, but as long as you get there in the end.
So I had my first appointment on Thursday, not actually too far from where I live and not in the middle of Leeds or anything (as I feared) so easy to get to as well. Of course it was a nightmare to park as seems to be the case with all hospitals I've been to (Gordon Brown, here's an idea for all those Banker's bonuses, pay for more parking and let the Nurses and staff park for free).
The appointment was very informal, just the start of the process and really a chance to talk about my history which I did at great speed with many tangents and diversions - I really must learn to slow down and stick to a point! Anyway all seemed to go well and I have another appointment in January to look forward to.
It may not seem like a particularly fast process but I guess the point about alot of the treatment is that there has to be checks to make sure it really is the right thing and also you have to allow time to adjust both physically and mentally to the various changes you go through. Of course it never does seem fast enough, but as long as you get there in the end.
Thursday, 19 November 2009
Plastic Fantastic?
I read an article earlier this week regarding some research that showed that "Plastic Chemicals 'feminise' boys". This idea has been mentioned before and, according to the article, certain plasticisers are already banned or controlled in some cases because of some proven link to harmful affects. What concerns me about this research is the assumptions and methodology and even worse the stereotypes involved.
'Boys exposed to high levels of these in the womb were less likely than other boys to play with cars, trains and guns or engage in "rougher" games like playfighting.'
I would question the assumptions behind this statement and in particular the idea that 'boys' should be engaging in "playfighting" or even that girls do not, or maybe if you want to be completely P.C., should not but doing the same. This aspect in particular seems like something that could well be down to culture and society rather than any chemical feminisation. I would expect that alot of parents now, while happy to accept that boys might behave in a rougher manner, would be likely to want to dissuade the notion of fighting. Certainly media coverage of bullying and thugish behaviour would seem to make such things less acceptable.
There has been debate about whether toys are also biases towards certain genders as well, the whole nurture and nature argument that seems to flare up every now and then. What often gets missed from this is that both boys and girls can show interest in toys that don't fit the usual pattern at various points in their development and I would guess that the ages at which this occurs might be dependant on the child itself.
In short, while I don't really argue that these chemicals may pose a threat I don't think that relying on research that I believe to be using unscientific measure is a good idea. It also only serves to re-enforce stereotypes which may well be outdated, prejudicial, and ultimately that can be detrimental when they are applied in other circumstances in an overly rigid way: don't try and fit children into the conceptual boxes you have, treat them as the individuals they are.
Friday, 21 August 2009
Caster Semenya
I have very little interest in Sport but obviously the story about Caster Semenya is of interest from the point of view of gender and potentially, if the scandalous whisperings are true, also in a transgender light.
I was going to initially write about my reactions on seeing the story in the BBC news this morning as a subsequently did a little research and that made be consider some different aspects and keeping these different views apart made some sense.
So to start with my initial reaction on seeing the clip of her winning a race was "wow, doesn't she look masculine" and "her mannerisms seem a little male". That second thought I quickly justified and discarded on the grounds that how someone walks, holds themselves, and moves could be influenced by alot of things, for example simple social factors of wanting to fit into a 'male' environment.
The 'masculine' thing got me thinking though, the very word implies a stereotype that is totally wrong. This athlete, in common with others in her sport, looks 'muscular', not 'masculine' but you will find that in almost all cases women in sport will be described as the latter not the former.
This obviously makes the assumption that men have muscles and women don't, at least on average. But that can't be right, most of the men I have encountered would simple pass as average in terms of build, I would certainly not describe them as muscular. And I guess this is going to be true in general; while normal guys probably do have more actual muscle development than equally regular women (and there are hormonal reasons for this) it is not so obvious and certainly not enough to make a huge distinction.
It is certainly fine to point out average differences between men and women, the problem comes when the facts become used to support a stereotype which is then used as the basis of reasoning and further assumptions.
Regarding the gender test, it is interesting to read that athletes have failed and then subsequently been cleared, or that there are medical conditions which can result in failure but which are not actually considered by many experts to give any advantage to the women concerned nor reason enough for them to be disqualified.
It should serve as an example of the complexities of gender and the difficulty in applying the simple labels of 'male' or 'female' when you consider what is involved in this testing and that it's not just a matter of a cursory examination of the person concerned.
I was going to initially write about my reactions on seeing the story in the BBC news this morning as a subsequently did a little research and that made be consider some different aspects and keeping these different views apart made some sense.
So to start with my initial reaction on seeing the clip of her winning a race was "wow, doesn't she look masculine" and "her mannerisms seem a little male". That second thought I quickly justified and discarded on the grounds that how someone walks, holds themselves, and moves could be influenced by alot of things, for example simple social factors of wanting to fit into a 'male' environment.
The 'masculine' thing got me thinking though, the very word implies a stereotype that is totally wrong. This athlete, in common with others in her sport, looks 'muscular', not 'masculine' but you will find that in almost all cases women in sport will be described as the latter not the former.
This obviously makes the assumption that men have muscles and women don't, at least on average. But that can't be right, most of the men I have encountered would simple pass as average in terms of build, I would certainly not describe them as muscular. And I guess this is going to be true in general; while normal guys probably do have more actual muscle development than equally regular women (and there are hormonal reasons for this) it is not so obvious and certainly not enough to make a huge distinction.
It is certainly fine to point out average differences between men and women, the problem comes when the facts become used to support a stereotype which is then used as the basis of reasoning and further assumptions.
Regarding the gender test, it is interesting to read that athletes have failed and then subsequently been cleared, or that there are medical conditions which can result in failure but which are not actually considered by many experts to give any advantage to the women concerned nor reason enough for them to be disqualified.
It should serve as an example of the complexities of gender and the difficulty in applying the simple labels of 'male' or 'female' when you consider what is involved in this testing and that it's not just a matter of a cursory examination of the person concerned.
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
Get your pronouns here ... collective nouns for sale!
Enough is enough.
I know my new name/gender has been difficult to adjust to and I have to say everyone has generally been great about getting pronouns right or correcting themselves when they make a mistake. No big deal and I've been happy to not say anything since I figure that this just makes people more uncomfortable .
I've had two incidents in quick succession which have made me think it's time to start correcting people. The first was a BT call centre worker who had all of my details on screen (where it clearly says "Miss") and still referred to me as "sir" - bad move considering I was already pretty much annoyed with BT anyway (I'll post about that later). Yes, I know my voice isn't brilliant but since I had already identified who I was it was an unfortunate slip on his part.
The second I won't go into but was essentially written rather than verbal where there clearly is a chance to correct a mistake before making it in a sense! A slip of the tongue is one thing and can't be taken back, keyboards have delete keys that can be employed to erase text!
So, enough. I've been tolerant for far too long, no more Miss Nice Girl.
I know my new name/gender has been difficult to adjust to and I have to say everyone has generally been great about getting pronouns right or correcting themselves when they make a mistake. No big deal and I've been happy to not say anything since I figure that this just makes people more uncomfortable .
I've had two incidents in quick succession which have made me think it's time to start correcting people. The first was a BT call centre worker who had all of my details on screen (where it clearly says "Miss") and still referred to me as "sir" - bad move considering I was already pretty much annoyed with BT anyway (I'll post about that later). Yes, I know my voice isn't brilliant but since I had already identified who I was it was an unfortunate slip on his part.
The second I won't go into but was essentially written rather than verbal where there clearly is a chance to correct a mistake before making it in a sense! A slip of the tongue is one thing and can't be taken back, keyboards have delete keys that can be employed to erase text!
So, enough. I've been tolerant for far too long, no more Miss Nice Girl.
Tuesday, 16 December 2008
Drivers Licence
I should first say that the whole change of name with the 'important' organisations (Credit Card :D) has actually been very easy and very fast. I think it took my passport only 2 weeks to come back and my drivers license seems to have been done within a week! Nationwide were equally speedy (once I could show them originals for deed poll and letter from my specialist).
There hasn't been a problem with getting my gender changed either, up until now that is.
I got my drivers licence back and was over-joyed to see the new name and picture and was just about to put the photocard in my purse when I thought I should check the codes on the front. And it was wrong. For reference it's the driver number that contains the gender code, the 2nd digit is 0 or 1 for male and 5 or 6 for female.
I guess it was just a typo or minor clerical error but a little upsetting nonetheless. I've written a, hopefully, nice letter and sent everything back to the DVLA, hopefully there should be no problems and they'll be able to get the licence back to me without it going walk-abouts in the Christmas post.
There hasn't been a problem with getting my gender changed either, up until now that is.
I got my drivers licence back and was over-joyed to see the new name and picture and was just about to put the photocard in my purse when I thought I should check the codes on the front. And it was wrong. For reference it's the driver number that contains the gender code, the 2nd digit is 0 or 1 for male and 5 or 6 for female.
I guess it was just a typo or minor clerical error but a little upsetting nonetheless. I've written a, hopefully, nice letter and sent everything back to the DVLA, hopefully there should be no problems and they'll be able to get the licence back to me without it going walk-abouts in the Christmas post.
Wednesday, 19 November 2008
Stereotypes
It seems that innocent comments really can really cause problems and example being my latest Facebook status which read:
"Fiona is getting to be a stereotypical scatter-brained female already, psychiatrist appt is 19th DECEMBER!"
Also this kind of came up in discussion at work and lead to some talk about driving ability and the affect of gender. Seems that this is a touchy subject. So, to make it up to anyone who is offended or upset by this I thought I'd do a bit of research and put things straight.
First the driving:
"Women and Gay men are the 'Worst' Drivers" - According to the article from 18th April 2008. This only talks about navigational ability though, it's nothing to do with how safe you are just your ability in knowing where to go and getting there quickly.
"Men officially worse drivers than women" - Confused.com has this article from 8th March 2008 with some pretty large numbers to show that men are more often convicted of motoring offences than women.
"Why are men worse drivers than women?" - Trying to pick 'reputable' sources of information here so this article is from the Guardian and seems a little more balanced at the end. Based on the stats men have more accidents but apparently they drive further, correcting for this and things even out a bit.
"Women vs Men" - Not official in the slightest but seems to be based on a very interesting sounding presentation that at least illustrates some of the differences and their affects.
Just one thought on the driving thing: taking the eye-sight differences between men and women, the latter having better peripheral vision, and the navigational ability, it seems that a trans person *could* actually end up with the worse possible situation. I don't believe your eye-sight can be improved by hormones though I read that cognative ability may tend towards that of the hormones you take. So not so good eye-sight and no ability to find where to go!
Okay, onto the cognitive ability and the whole "scatter-brain" idea:
"Men and Women: No big difference" - Haven't read all of this but it seems to point to the idea that there isn't much difference between the genders on average.
"Thinking differently: Differences between men and women " - Haven't had a chance to read all this either (running out of lunchtime in which to write this), but seems to suggest the middle ground again but with some bias in findings for specific tasks.
I think there are differences in how male/female brains work and that does seem to be supported by things I've read. I also did once find an article about how brain volume and other attributes do change in transexuals and it looks like I'm heading for some interesting changes myself once I start on hormones - I'll try and do my own study and document it here.
Last word: things are different but everyone is ultimately an individual and even if they may conform to the sterotypes in some cases it doesn't mean this is a blanket thing that defines everything about them.
"Fiona is getting to be a stereotypical scatter-brained female already, psychiatrist appt is 19th DECEMBER!"
Also this kind of came up in discussion at work and lead to some talk about driving ability and the affect of gender. Seems that this is a touchy subject. So, to make it up to anyone who is offended or upset by this I thought I'd do a bit of research and put things straight.
First the driving:
"Women and Gay men are the 'Worst' Drivers" - According to the article from 18th April 2008. This only talks about navigational ability though, it's nothing to do with how safe you are just your ability in knowing where to go and getting there quickly.
"Men officially worse drivers than women" - Confused.com has this article from 8th March 2008 with some pretty large numbers to show that men are more often convicted of motoring offences than women.
"Why are men worse drivers than women?" - Trying to pick 'reputable' sources of information here so this article is from the Guardian and seems a little more balanced at the end. Based on the stats men have more accidents but apparently they drive further, correcting for this and things even out a bit.
"Women vs Men" - Not official in the slightest but seems to be based on a very interesting sounding presentation that at least illustrates some of the differences and their affects.
Just one thought on the driving thing: taking the eye-sight differences between men and women, the latter having better peripheral vision, and the navigational ability, it seems that a trans person *could* actually end up with the worse possible situation. I don't believe your eye-sight can be improved by hormones though I read that cognative ability may tend towards that of the hormones you take. So not so good eye-sight and no ability to find where to go!
Okay, onto the cognitive ability and the whole "scatter-brain" idea:
"Men and Women: No big difference" - Haven't read all of this but it seems to point to the idea that there isn't much difference between the genders on average.
"Thinking differently: Differences between men and women " - Haven't had a chance to read all this either (running out of lunchtime in which to write this), but seems to suggest the middle ground again but with some bias in findings for specific tasks.
I think there are differences in how male/female brains work and that does seem to be supported by things I've read. I also did once find an article about how brain volume and other attributes do change in transexuals and it looks like I'm heading for some interesting changes myself once I start on hormones - I'll try and do my own study and document it here.
Last word: things are different but everyone is ultimately an individual and even if they may conform to the sterotypes in some cases it doesn't mean this is a blanket thing that defines everything about them.
Saturday, 11 October 2008
Being a father
I love seeing my son because he is so happy, funny and full of energy and it does actually make me forget all of my worries. I spend alot of my time now being confused about what I am, what I was, and what I will become but with my son, no matter what, I will always be his father ... well, okay, that might change slightly in other peoples eyes, and even his, but I will definitely always be a 'parent' to him.
In some ways it's quite hard to get my head around this because being with my son brings out the instinct to be his parent/father; I think that is actually something that is just built in and is a stronger feeling than most any other. Objectively I don't think that I ever was, nor will ever be, the best father or parent to him.
I tried to do the fatherly things and act how I thought I should and some aspects I might have got right but that's probably by coincidence of interests, for example I pretty good on the whole Sci-Fi toys, films, games because I grew up with alot of those things and I would freely admit to being a bit of a geek. Not too hot on the football and similar stuff and definitely not a good 'manly' role model - I never was too be fair, I don't think anyone would ever have said that I made a good man not matter how hard I tried, looking back alot of the bravado was just an act.
Being with my son does bring back all the happy memories and feelings of my life before starting, conciously, on this journey to change my whole life. I can almost forget everything and just enjoy not worrying for a while until it all starts to creep back into my head.
I think part of the problem I've had over the past few weeks is that I have been over analysing everything and almost making myself feel constantly unhappy about how I appear, behave, sound, and act. It's as if I think that my transition is only justified if I can be in permanent mental torment. The slightest lapse sends me into a spiral of confusion and worry that I'm doing the wrong thing - certainly with the bigs steps I'm taking that is probably an understandable reaction.
Strangely, not thinking about all of this last night and just being myself with my son actually gave me a wonderfully calm but still certain feeling (helped in some ways by my relatively successful attempt at straightening my hair and that fact that my son said I looked like a girl!).
It was really quite odd that when I had very little to make me feel female that I felt quite sure that this change was something that I wanted and that it didn't actually depend on a whole load of confusion and complex feelings and rationalisations. It just rested on the fact that I was trying to change my hairstyle and my look and the clothes I wear, simple signs and indications. I didn't need to be completely there (female) yet because that would be impossible, it was just enough to be heading in that direction.
It doesn't sound alot but I think it is when you compare it to a 'normal' male - I don't believe alot of the things that cross my mind would ever be given serious consideration or even occur to someone happy with their gender. I've never been completely unhappy about anything and I don't feel that I really have got myself totally depressed about this either, but I've just got all the thoughts in my head and that's why I'm heading down this route.
I don't think my serene attitude will last for long as there are still plenty of things that confuse me and make me concerned about what I am thinking/doing, mainly because I'm a perfectionist, well actually more an idealist (a less successful version of the former), when it comes to this. I believe that ANY thoughts that don't fit what I think I should be thinking immediately get serious over-analysis. I'm not sure this will get any better once I'm further down this road or if some things will become less relevant or simply I might relax a bit more and accept these thoughts in a totally different context, i.e. a female one.
Anyway, I best get on and do some chores and enjoy an evening of being back to 'normal' as tomorrow it'll be the usual wrench to dress-down so I can see my son again and the added uneasiness of actually going out in public presenting in the wrong gender, sadly I'm still able to pull it off quite sucessfully. Still least we should have some fun anyway - which is the most important thing in life when it comes down to it.
In some ways it's quite hard to get my head around this because being with my son brings out the instinct to be his parent/father; I think that is actually something that is just built in and is a stronger feeling than most any other. Objectively I don't think that I ever was, nor will ever be, the best father or parent to him.
I tried to do the fatherly things and act how I thought I should and some aspects I might have got right but that's probably by coincidence of interests, for example I pretty good on the whole Sci-Fi toys, films, games because I grew up with alot of those things and I would freely admit to being a bit of a geek. Not too hot on the football and similar stuff and definitely not a good 'manly' role model - I never was too be fair, I don't think anyone would ever have said that I made a good man not matter how hard I tried, looking back alot of the bravado was just an act.
Being with my son does bring back all the happy memories and feelings of my life before starting, conciously, on this journey to change my whole life. I can almost forget everything and just enjoy not worrying for a while until it all starts to creep back into my head.
I think part of the problem I've had over the past few weeks is that I have been over analysing everything and almost making myself feel constantly unhappy about how I appear, behave, sound, and act. It's as if I think that my transition is only justified if I can be in permanent mental torment. The slightest lapse sends me into a spiral of confusion and worry that I'm doing the wrong thing - certainly with the bigs steps I'm taking that is probably an understandable reaction.
Strangely, not thinking about all of this last night and just being myself with my son actually gave me a wonderfully calm but still certain feeling (helped in some ways by my relatively successful attempt at straightening my hair and that fact that my son said I looked like a girl!).
It was really quite odd that when I had very little to make me feel female that I felt quite sure that this change was something that I wanted and that it didn't actually depend on a whole load of confusion and complex feelings and rationalisations. It just rested on the fact that I was trying to change my hairstyle and my look and the clothes I wear, simple signs and indications. I didn't need to be completely there (female) yet because that would be impossible, it was just enough to be heading in that direction.
It doesn't sound alot but I think it is when you compare it to a 'normal' male - I don't believe alot of the things that cross my mind would ever be given serious consideration or even occur to someone happy with their gender. I've never been completely unhappy about anything and I don't feel that I really have got myself totally depressed about this either, but I've just got all the thoughts in my head and that's why I'm heading down this route.
I don't think my serene attitude will last for long as there are still plenty of things that confuse me and make me concerned about what I am thinking/doing, mainly because I'm a perfectionist, well actually more an idealist (a less successful version of the former), when it comes to this. I believe that ANY thoughts that don't fit what I think I should be thinking immediately get serious over-analysis. I'm not sure this will get any better once I'm further down this road or if some things will become less relevant or simply I might relax a bit more and accept these thoughts in a totally different context, i.e. a female one.
Anyway, I best get on and do some chores and enjoy an evening of being back to 'normal' as tomorrow it'll be the usual wrench to dress-down so I can see my son again and the added uneasiness of actually going out in public presenting in the wrong gender, sadly I'm still able to pull it off quite sucessfully. Still least we should have some fun anyway - which is the most important thing in life when it comes down to it.
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