Single Again

While it was an obvious shock for alot of our friends, Rachel and I were heading for yesterdays 'serious' talk for quite a while, the conclusion of which was that we have decided to split. We'd had a few discussions about things that we each wanted out of life, love and relationships, and it become more and more obvious that we were very different in many respects. So, in the end, there was little we could offer each other than simply friendship.

It all sounds very organised and clinical and, while there was alot of holding back tears from both of us last night, it was quite surreal at how quickly we decided things and then went about updating FaceBook to remove our relationship from there. That does make it official these days, once all the social networking sites have been updated then it's the truth, final, indisputable.

We slept apart last night and just started a fairly normal day this morning. I don't know how Rachel is dealing with this or what she feels at the moment. For my part I'm burying this among many other feelings and thoughts I have cluttering up my head. If I think too much about this, like any of the other things on my mind at the moment, tears pool in my eyes and I have to fight to get everything under control. I know that I will have a 'good' cry at some point soon, it's just a matter or time.

It is the right decision and I don't think either of us had been completely happy being in a relationship which we could probably see wasn't right for us. But it's still sad and it's still a shock to have life change so quickly. It's odd to now be single again, feeling a little direction-less and empty. Maybe that is why some people stay together because, even if things aren't perfect, it's better than the hollow feeling of loneliness.

Anyway, I best not ramble on too much, I need to focus on all the other plans in my life, the weekends away, seeing friends, holiday with my son, photo shoots, work and a myriad of other things I can keep busy with. Busy is better than thinking after all.

A Place In My Heart

The title refers to a song by T'Pau which is pertinent to how I've been feeling recently given the move so far away from the place and people that I called home.

I heard something on Radio 4, can't remember the programme, but they were discussing break-ups and in particular adultery I think. They read out a letter from a man who had had an affair with his wife's friend with whom he is still in a relationship with. Obviously this resulted in his wife divorcing him and, I suspect, a rather hellish time for all concerned.

One thing this person wanted to point out though was that, while he is happy with his new partner, he still does feel the loss of his wife, home, family, and life. It's obviously very easy to see any situation as black and white, good and bad, but the reality is that things are rarely that clear-cut. You can't help feeling some emotion over any split and I don't think it really is just a simple matter of stopping caring about an ex-partner.

In some ways I do think that how things seem to have to be is not how anyone would really want them. I don't think losing someone from your life almost completely is what they would choose even if it is the only way to avoid being hurt. In the long-run I'm not sure that the practical option really feels like the right choice in the end. It is frankly horrible to have to lose a relationship and friendship so utterly, I wish things didn't have to be this way.

"I wish you all you could want for yourself,

May the road rise up to meet you as you go your way,

If you ever need a friend,

You just call me up and then, I will run to help you, come what may"

"... You see the love I had, it never went away.

It's such a shame when people change,

Someone has to pay"

Blood Test Results

I got my results from the blood test I had last week which are important given that it's the first check of my levels since starting hormones and will be used by Dr Curtis on Friday to figure out if I need more/less/different medication.

I can't say that I really understand all of the numbers but there is one thing worth bearing in mind; when I had my original tests done it was in my old name and gender and everything was 'normal', now it's the new me and everything is still 'normal' but that obviously means something completely different!

Obviously I need Dr Curtis to explain what all the numbers mean and whether there needs to be any changing in the hormones I'm taking (I am quite a high dose now anyway), but it does look like my levels have adjusted properly and this would explain what I have been going through over the past weeks/months. In some ways I hope I don't need any adjustments to what I'm taking as it's not entirely pleasant as it is!

I do feel quite good about the results and it's making me feel like this is more real - which is pretty scary and encouraging at the same time. I'm starting to feel that my body is (slowly) becoming more feminine, even if it is just small changes at the moment and there is still a long way to go. I think the more noticeable the change the better, in some ways, that I will feel.

It is beginning to dawn on me that this is really happening and that in itself is a strange feeling. I have done everything that I needed to to get to this point but I don't think I ever really believed it would happen. I guess I just thought that nothing much would change and that the tiny bits of sellotape I've been sticking to myself would have no affect.

Thinking about this I feel that I'm slowly changing what I do, how I dress, act, etc from something that is an act in a way, an imitation, to the real me. I guess I feel more justified to dress and be how I am now that there are actual physical/mental changes. I still worry about how I come across (so need to work on my voice, etc) but am now more relaxed in some ways because I feel less like I have to try to be something than I am that thing anyway ... just very new at it.

Hmmm, rambling now! More when I have something interesting/useful to say!

Here we go ....

Well, I think the hormones really are starting to kick in now! I've discussed my 'symptoms' with a close friend and it seems that things may be beginning to develop as expected/hoped for.

Now, I didn't think I would be doing this so soon, but for anyone I work with or any family that might have stumbled onto this blog by accident, now is the time you should STOP READING! The rest of this is more for the benefit of other TG people who may have started/be thinking of starting hormones. I'm going to try and start describing the changes I go through and it's maybe not work-time reading. Yeah, okay, for now it's not too bad but best get in some practice of avoiding reading what I write!

So the changes so far: My skin is definitely getting softer. This is noticeable on the back of my hands but I think the skin on my legs is thining slightly and a little softer. I say that because I use an epilator (yes, I know "ow!") and have usually had a problem with in-growing hairs. Now it doesn't seem as bad and the exfoliating regime seems to make a real difference.

And now, any work colleagues, this is your final warning (yeah, like you're going to listen)!

Breast development does seem to have started. My nipples have started to become slightly painful and they feel like there is something hard behind them. I can't think of a better word than 'lump' but it's not a lump in the scarey sense. The pain isn't bad at all and feels a little like I've bruised my chest. Also the sensation is asymmetrical though I've heard/read that breast development is often biased to one side at first.

I haven't seen much change in terms of body hair as yet doesn't seem to have slowed or thinned as yet, I would expect this to take a little longer also it might be hard to pin down any real alteration in growth since the epilator is pretty effective when I use it!

I think my moods have changed a little and that I am alternating a bit between happy and less happy during the day. Again this is hard to pin down as I've been working longer hours and also still haven't got back into my cycling routine so regular sleep and early nights aren't happening.

In terms of mental ability I think it's fair to say I've actually been extra geeky recently due to the workload and nature of the tasks. So it could either be viewed as "business as usual" or even a slight increase in nerdiness maybe as a kind of rebellion against the other changes!