I just received this in the post today. It makes fairly stark reading:
"On 19th April 2010
The Judge help that
the respondent behaved in such a way that the petitioner cannot reasonably be expected to live with the respondent,
that the marriage solemnised on 21st July 2001
at <...>
between <...> the petitioner
and Fiona Andrea (f.k.a <...>) Bianchi the respondent
has broken down irretrievably and decreed that the said marriage be dissolved unless sufficient cause be shown to the court within six weeks from the making of this decree why such decree should not be made absolute"
It's boiler-plate text, impersonal, functional and without emotion, yet it's talking about something that is so different from those adjectives and which, in 6 weeks time will be decreed to be at an end. I think it's only now that I see it in black and white that I can begin to fully realise what a horrible shame it all is.
Did I really want this to happen? No. Did I really think that there would be such finality to a relationship, no, I didn't expect that at all. I guess I just never thought it would come to this. I don't think I expected some miraculous change where everything went back to "happy families" but I probably still had that hope in the back of my mind.
I feel oddly calm at the moment, I can actually feel myself just thinking about other things, trying to fill my head with something else to concentrate on to suppress what I really feel and just not think about it. When I consider everything we had and all the memories from my past it really does just hurt so much.
So, do I regret the path I've taken? At the moment it seems really odd to try and think about that question, I'm not really thinking about who I am, I'm just getting on with things; upgrading to the next Ubuntu version for example, thinking about plans, what to do at the weekend, etc. I would say that I don't regret my transition, but I can't really grasp that idea and explain how I feel about it.
As for the loss of a marriage that lasted 6 years and 8months and included, among the usual ups and downs so many good times and happy memories, not to mention a son who is the most fabulous little boy in the world ... yes, I regret the loss of that more than I think I will ever regret anything in my life.
I can't write any more.
Showing posts with label wife. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wife. Show all posts
Thursday, 29 April 2010
Friday, 28 November 2008
Be careful what you wish for
I guess most people would view starting treatment and making a transition as essentially getting everything you want/need and that it is as simple and clear-cut as that. As if that was the obvious thing that you knew would always happen. Like it would be the total solution to every and all of your problems. I can't really speak for other trans people but for me this isn't the case.
I'm actually finding this a little difficult to explain and to old onto the ideas to write about them.
For me it just isn't that glaringly obvious - maybe it is to outside observers but for my own internal struggle it is somewhat elusive. But it is constant. I've changed lots and I continue to want to change and make the bits of me I don't like look better/different. It's easy for me to ignore things as I can concentrate on something and almost forget but it always comes back eventually. And it's the constant nagging feeling that I need to be different that has now taken over and, because I recognise what it is I'm heading down this path. Don't for aa minute think that this is going to be heading for some sort of nirvana though.
My son is staying with me tonight and tomorrow and I just read him a story before and, as usual he asked me to sit with him for a while so we snuggled into bed and, as he curled up to go to sleep he found my hand and held onto it while he dozed off.
Tears were rolling down my face when he did that and they are as I write about it now. I remembered how I've helped look after my (our) son since he was born, how I rocked him to sleep, how I was there when he wa ill. His Mum has been the one to do the most to be fair (particularly while I travelled alot) but I've still been there at important points in his life and I love him dearly and so much that it hurts sometimes.
How can I go ahead with such a radical change in my life when I have such a wonderful son and had such a good, and 'normal' life? The honest answer is that I really don't know, part of me can't believe what has happened, but the desire to change has, I think always been inside me, it won't go away and has leaked out in many ways over the years.
I don't know how this transition is going to affect me or my son, his Mum and everyone else. I don't know what it is going to be like to hug my son or hold his hand when my hands, and skin, and body are going to change. I don't know whether how I look, smell, feel, act an sound is going to stop my son recognising me as a parent who cared and still cares for him. I guess all my thoughts and talking about losing importsnt things in my life are nothing when you're actually faced with the very real prospect that that might happen.
All I can say to my son is: I love you dearly and I'm sorry if what I do hurts you in any way. And to his mum: I am truly sorry to have not been what you wanted and needed in a partner.
I'm actually finding this a little difficult to explain and to old onto the ideas to write about them.
For me it just isn't that glaringly obvious - maybe it is to outside observers but for my own internal struggle it is somewhat elusive. But it is constant. I've changed lots and I continue to want to change and make the bits of me I don't like look better/different. It's easy for me to ignore things as I can concentrate on something and almost forget but it always comes back eventually. And it's the constant nagging feeling that I need to be different that has now taken over and, because I recognise what it is I'm heading down this path. Don't for aa minute think that this is going to be heading for some sort of nirvana though.
My son is staying with me tonight and tomorrow and I just read him a story before and, as usual he asked me to sit with him for a while so we snuggled into bed and, as he curled up to go to sleep he found my hand and held onto it while he dozed off.
Tears were rolling down my face when he did that and they are as I write about it now. I remembered how I've helped look after my (our) son since he was born, how I rocked him to sleep, how I was there when he wa ill. His Mum has been the one to do the most to be fair (particularly while I travelled alot) but I've still been there at important points in his life and I love him dearly and so much that it hurts sometimes.
How can I go ahead with such a radical change in my life when I have such a wonderful son and had such a good, and 'normal' life? The honest answer is that I really don't know, part of me can't believe what has happened, but the desire to change has, I think always been inside me, it won't go away and has leaked out in many ways over the years.
I don't know how this transition is going to affect me or my son, his Mum and everyone else. I don't know what it is going to be like to hug my son or hold his hand when my hands, and skin, and body are going to change. I don't know whether how I look, smell, feel, act an sound is going to stop my son recognising me as a parent who cared and still cares for him. I guess all my thoughts and talking about losing importsnt things in my life are nothing when you're actually faced with the very real prospect that that might happen.
All I can say to my son is: I love you dearly and I'm sorry if what I do hurts you in any way. And to his mum: I am truly sorry to have not been what you wanted and needed in a partner.
Thursday, 2 October 2008
How to make the hurt go away?
I don't know how to start writing this or to explain what I feel; it's like frustration and sadness and confusion all together. I have hurt B so much with what I have done, what I am, and what I'm heading for and there is no way that I can make this better, nothing I can do will ever make-up for that.
In fact I guess what I am doing is only going to make things worse and worse and there really isn't any justice in that at all. I think we did have problems in our marriage and maybe we weren't going to be able to stay together and I'm sure we could each make a list of reasons for this (apart from the obvious) but when it comes down to it B is a good person, she is a caring, considerate, thoughtful and the most amazing mother to our son.
She has said lots of times that she doesn't know what she has done to deserve all this and I would have to agree with that sentiment, no-one deserves to go through all of this pain. But I can't be someone different this is me, it's who I am and this is what I feel I must do. In fact I think I have no choice left but to continue on this path. I can't say I feel happy about that at the moment (even after the 'achievements' of this week, I'll post about those later) it's just something that is becoming more and more a reality.
I use to think I had very little impact in the world and generally didn't upset anyone, I think now my life has become so much more complicated and the decisions I have made are having a knock-on affect on so many people as well as causing a great deal of hurt and confusion.
I can't think of any other way to explain how f***ed up everything is.
In fact I guess what I am doing is only going to make things worse and worse and there really isn't any justice in that at all. I think we did have problems in our marriage and maybe we weren't going to be able to stay together and I'm sure we could each make a list of reasons for this (apart from the obvious) but when it comes down to it B is a good person, she is a caring, considerate, thoughtful and the most amazing mother to our son.
She has said lots of times that she doesn't know what she has done to deserve all this and I would have to agree with that sentiment, no-one deserves to go through all of this pain. But I can't be someone different this is me, it's who I am and this is what I feel I must do. In fact I think I have no choice left but to continue on this path. I can't say I feel happy about that at the moment (even after the 'achievements' of this week, I'll post about those later) it's just something that is becoming more and more a reality.
I use to think I had very little impact in the world and generally didn't upset anyone, I think now my life has become so much more complicated and the decisions I have made are having a knock-on affect on so many people as well as causing a great deal of hurt and confusion.
I can't think of any other way to explain how f***ed up everything is.
Monday, 7 July 2008
Downs and Ups for B
I thought I'd post a bit about how B seems to be doing to try and give some balance and also show that I'm not entirely self-centred about what is happening, I still care about her and am happy when I hear and see that she is doing well.
The down part first; when B dropped off my son she was annoyed/upset about the length of my finger nails, apparently she and C (sister-in-law) had noticed these at the sports day on Tuesday and were not happy about this, saying that it was unfair and selfish of me. Their main concern is what my son's friends will say to him, or what their parents may be thinking/saying.
I can understand this and I don't want to have my son confused or picked on, then again I think there has to be some acceptance that this is what I am and others should either ignore or deal with this. Not simple and something I need to think more about and find a way to help my son, B and everyone else deal with.
It's also very clear that B is only getting upset about this because she cares so much about our son, obviously.
When B came to pick my son up on Sunday she was quite happy, sounds like she had been out over the weekend with friends, was happy with her new hairstyle (she did look good), was impressed she'd managed to sort out a replacement blub for the car and had uploaded pictures from a memory key to an online service to get prints.
She even commented that she was impressed with herself and said it was amazing what you could do when you were on your own and had to (this sounds like a dig when written like this but it wasn't said in that spirit at all).
The down part first; when B dropped off my son she was annoyed/upset about the length of my finger nails, apparently she and C (sister-in-law) had noticed these at the sports day on Tuesday and were not happy about this, saying that it was unfair and selfish of me. Their main concern is what my son's friends will say to him, or what their parents may be thinking/saying.
I can understand this and I don't want to have my son confused or picked on, then again I think there has to be some acceptance that this is what I am and others should either ignore or deal with this. Not simple and something I need to think more about and find a way to help my son, B and everyone else deal with.
It's also very clear that B is only getting upset about this because she cares so much about our son, obviously.
When B came to pick my son up on Sunday she was quite happy, sounds like she had been out over the weekend with friends, was happy with her new hairstyle (she did look good), was impressed she'd managed to sort out a replacement blub for the car and had uploaded pictures from a memory key to an online service to get prints.
She even commented that she was impressed with herself and said it was amazing what you could do when you were on your own and had to (this sounds like a dig when written like this but it wasn't said in that spirit at all).
Thursday, 10 April 2008
Moving house part two
I had intended to write an update earlier in the week but with one thing and another I didn't get round to it, apologies to anyone that cares :D
So here is a quick catch up and what has been happening regarding the moving house. On Monday evening I went to look again at the flat I was thinking of buying and took some pictures and tried to figure out how much space there is (or isn't in this case) and whether I could fit everything in. It would be VERY tight is the conclusion I came to, there really isn't alot of space in these flats, though to be fair, for a normal first time buyer with no accumulation of furniture and personal possessions they are probably ideal.
The other thing that was worrying me about these flats was the "Easi-buy" option (which I'd likely have to take) where they give you a 10year interest free loan for a portion of the total purchase price. I didn't like the idea of having this hanging over me, particularly with the way the house market is at the moment and the fact that the finances would be really stretched.
On top of all that they have a maintenance fee that covers lease, outside up-keep, repairs as well as all of your utility bills. The rather patronizing sales lady said that she thought that this amount was "competitive" and would not be likely to rise as soon as I moved in when asked about the possibility of changes due to fuel cost increases. She said all of those details were in the contract - hmmm, not liking the sound of this at all!
Anyway, within about 24hours I'd convinced myself (after comments from an online friend and lots of thinking) that buying was NOT the way to go and renting would be a much safer option for now AND from a little bit of searching it seemed that there are some nice places available within the sort of price I could afford.
My wife was NOT happy with this change of direction and accused me of being "selfish" and only going this route because it suited me. I did try and point out that the advice from C and H was to rent in the first place and that I only really went down the buying route because I didn't think I could afford to rent. Looks like I might be able to after all.
In the end things calmed down a little and my wife simply said I just had to make a decision about what I was doing an sort myself out. Hopefully I can do this next week when I'm on holiday and should have the time to go look at flats and sort out all the details.
So here is a quick catch up and what has been happening regarding the moving house. On Monday evening I went to look again at the flat I was thinking of buying and took some pictures and tried to figure out how much space there is (or isn't in this case) and whether I could fit everything in. It would be VERY tight is the conclusion I came to, there really isn't alot of space in these flats, though to be fair, for a normal first time buyer with no accumulation of furniture and personal possessions they are probably ideal.
The other thing that was worrying me about these flats was the "Easi-buy" option (which I'd likely have to take) where they give you a 10year interest free loan for a portion of the total purchase price. I didn't like the idea of having this hanging over me, particularly with the way the house market is at the moment and the fact that the finances would be really stretched.
On top of all that they have a maintenance fee that covers lease, outside up-keep, repairs as well as all of your utility bills. The rather patronizing sales lady said that she thought that this amount was "competitive" and would not be likely to rise as soon as I moved in when asked about the possibility of changes due to fuel cost increases. She said all of those details were in the contract - hmmm, not liking the sound of this at all!
Anyway, within about 24hours I'd convinced myself (after comments from an online friend and lots of thinking) that buying was NOT the way to go and renting would be a much safer option for now AND from a little bit of searching it seemed that there are some nice places available within the sort of price I could afford.
My wife was NOT happy with this change of direction and accused me of being "selfish" and only going this route because it suited me. I did try and point out that the advice from C and H was to rent in the first place and that I only really went down the buying route because I didn't think I could afford to rent. Looks like I might be able to after all.
In the end things calmed down a little and my wife simply said I just had to make a decision about what I was doing an sort myself out. Hopefully I can do this next week when I'm on holiday and should have the time to go look at flats and sort out all the details.
Monday, 7 April 2008
Moving house?
Saturday was, in the end a pretty reasonable day and the house got a little tidier and more organised and I made a start on trying to eBay a few items to bring in a bit of money ... I didn't actually get as far as putting anything on eBay but at least a made a start :D
Sunday was a little more rocky with arguments over the prospect of having to extend our current mortgage to use the equity in the house to afford a place for me to move to - renting really isn't feasible given the debts we have. My wife didn't understand any of this and had a go at me for not explaining to her about the 10 year fixed mortgage on the current house, she believed it was 5 years.
Anyway, things calmed down a little so we went to have a look at some new flats that you can get on this "Easi-buy" (why are people obsessed with spelling things wrong?) which makes them much more affordable given our tight finances (basically I'll be paying two mortgages and sets of bills). There are a few conditions on buying this way and also, for these flats, the service charge is quite alot (£130/month) but this is meant to include gas, electric, water, insurance (buildings only) and maintenance - the management company still likely make a tidy profit, but at least the costs are fixed.
The flats (there were still 3 available when we looked, all identical but different views of the surrounding building sites) are quite funky; only one bedroom but that, along with the bathroom, is on the bottom floor (and in this case, that's already on 1 level of a 3 storey building - there is a flat below) then there are stairs up to the living area which is open plan. It's not big but it would fit some cupboards, a small table, sofa and a TV along with maybe a book shelf without too much trouble.
The sales woman also pointed out a few stylish, but essentially useless points, the first being what he called a "Juiliet Balcony" - full length french doors with a metal frame outside. Of course this did get me thinking about what outfit would be suitable for wearing while standing in a suitably shakepearian pose and pleading to the world (other flats and remaining building site) to know where my true love was (I hate to think what answers I'd get back, "shut up" would be the nicest I could hope for I guess).
The other style item actually may prove useful with a little modification; there is a wide (maybe 60cm) beam over the top of the kitchen area and running the full width of the room. At this point the ceiling of the room is at it's highest point - probably a good 4ft (sorry to mix measuring systems there) higher then the lowest point. Essentially this gives about a 10ft long shelf at the back of the room and it would be feasible (given a ladder) to reach this shelf and even mount cupboards/shelves on this beam to increase the storage quite considerably. It would be kind of like a visible loft in many respects.
I did even wonder about a nice wooden ladder similar to those in libraries with wheels that could run along the full length of the beam! At the very least so some sort of access to this otherwise wasted space might help out. Certainly I did start to wonder about the possible wardrobe space in the adequate, but tight, bedroom! Need to go back and figure out the layout!
One more point - we looked in all three of these flats and at one point had two opposite each other unlocked; my son thought this was fab and was running between them and upstairs and was really taken with the idea of a bedroom downstairs! Sadly he did voice his desire to live with Daddy instead of Mummy but, we did both agree that this was entirely down to the fun he thought he could have running up and downstairs! Probably wouldn't be the same when the bedroom has a double bed and a whole wall full of wardrobes stuff with dresses, shoes etc!
Sunday was a little more rocky with arguments over the prospect of having to extend our current mortgage to use the equity in the house to afford a place for me to move to - renting really isn't feasible given the debts we have. My wife didn't understand any of this and had a go at me for not explaining to her about the 10 year fixed mortgage on the current house, she believed it was 5 years.
Anyway, things calmed down a little so we went to have a look at some new flats that you can get on this "Easi-buy" (why are people obsessed with spelling things wrong?) which makes them much more affordable given our tight finances (basically I'll be paying two mortgages and sets of bills). There are a few conditions on buying this way and also, for these flats, the service charge is quite alot (£130/month) but this is meant to include gas, electric, water, insurance (buildings only) and maintenance - the management company still likely make a tidy profit, but at least the costs are fixed.
The flats (there were still 3 available when we looked, all identical but different views of the surrounding building sites) are quite funky; only one bedroom but that, along with the bathroom, is on the bottom floor (and in this case, that's already on 1 level of a 3 storey building - there is a flat below) then there are stairs up to the living area which is open plan. It's not big but it would fit some cupboards, a small table, sofa and a TV along with maybe a book shelf without too much trouble.
The sales woman also pointed out a few stylish, but essentially useless points, the first being what he called a "Juiliet Balcony" - full length french doors with a metal frame outside. Of course this did get me thinking about what outfit would be suitable for wearing while standing in a suitably shakepearian pose and pleading to the world (other flats and remaining building site) to know where my true love was (I hate to think what answers I'd get back, "shut up" would be the nicest I could hope for I guess).
The other style item actually may prove useful with a little modification; there is a wide (maybe 60cm) beam over the top of the kitchen area and running the full width of the room. At this point the ceiling of the room is at it's highest point - probably a good 4ft (sorry to mix measuring systems there) higher then the lowest point. Essentially this gives about a 10ft long shelf at the back of the room and it would be feasible (given a ladder) to reach this shelf and even mount cupboards/shelves on this beam to increase the storage quite considerably. It would be kind of like a visible loft in many respects.
I did even wonder about a nice wooden ladder similar to those in libraries with wheels that could run along the full length of the beam! At the very least so some sort of access to this otherwise wasted space might help out. Certainly I did start to wonder about the possible wardrobe space in the adequate, but tight, bedroom! Need to go back and figure out the layout!
One more point - we looked in all three of these flats and at one point had two opposite each other unlocked; my son thought this was fab and was running between them and upstairs and was really taken with the idea of a bedroom downstairs! Sadly he did voice his desire to live with Daddy instead of Mummy but, we did both agree that this was entirely down to the fun he thought he could have running up and downstairs! Probably wouldn't be the same when the bedroom has a double bed and a whole wall full of wardrobes stuff with dresses, shoes etc!
Saturday, 5 April 2008
OUCH!
Well, first off an update on the continuing saga: things have calmed down alot and we've had a relatively stress-free, enjoyable and productive day. We seem to have agreed that I can stay here a little longer (as it is financially almost impossible for me to rent) and my wife seems to be at least considering the possibility of extending the mortgage etc.
There are alot of big issues with me buying a place, not least of which is the fact that I'll be tied into a 5yr fixed (based on the deal I've seen) mortgage on a house with the worry that the economy and things could get worse and then I'll struggle to pay it off! Need to put some SERIOUS thought and research into this to figure out what to do. Maybe being able to stay here until July will give work the time to find me something long term in the US/Canada.
Anyway, onto the "OUCH!".
It threw it down! And "it" in this case where fairly hard and fast bits of ice from the sky which hurt quite a bit!
My son and I had gone on a little bike ride to the local corner shop - a few km away - and he did really well to pedal all of the way there with very little help from me (I was on the new bike I got in Vancouver on the last trip, I'd left it in the box in the hope that I was going back out but finally admitted defeat and assembled it). We sat and ate our sweets outside the shop when I realised that there were a few flakes of snow falling!
I said we had to get back REALLY quickly and my son did well not to whinge about this and, instead, got on his bike and we set off back. Only we didn't quite get there before the hail hit and we could even see it moving down the street towards us! We tried to keep going but my son said "Ow! That hurt my ear" at one point to I thought it best to stop and wait.
We kind of tried to get to the side of the path where there were trees and I stood over him so I could sheild him from the hail that was bouncing off my back - thankfully I was wearing a pack-a-mac type thing (yeah, not stylish or anything but that wasn't the major concern at the time) that was waterproof but did nothing to keep me warm!
The hail subsided a little and we managed to get to a nearby bus shelter until things had really calmed down enough to set off back home with me pulling my son's bike and wheeling mine along with my fingers gradually turning to ice!
Too be honest I think we both quite enjoyed the novelty of being out in the hail ... I just wish they could make the stuff a bit warmer!
There are alot of big issues with me buying a place, not least of which is the fact that I'll be tied into a 5yr fixed (based on the deal I've seen) mortgage on a house with the worry that the economy and things could get worse and then I'll struggle to pay it off! Need to put some SERIOUS thought and research into this to figure out what to do. Maybe being able to stay here until July will give work the time to find me something long term in the US/Canada.
Anyway, onto the "OUCH!".
It threw it down! And "it" in this case where fairly hard and fast bits of ice from the sky which hurt quite a bit!
My son and I had gone on a little bike ride to the local corner shop - a few km away - and he did really well to pedal all of the way there with very little help from me (I was on the new bike I got in Vancouver on the last trip, I'd left it in the box in the hope that I was going back out but finally admitted defeat and assembled it). We sat and ate our sweets outside the shop when I realised that there were a few flakes of snow falling!
I said we had to get back REALLY quickly and my son did well not to whinge about this and, instead, got on his bike and we set off back. Only we didn't quite get there before the hail hit and we could even see it moving down the street towards us! We tried to keep going but my son said "Ow! That hurt my ear" at one point to I thought it best to stop and wait.
We kind of tried to get to the side of the path where there were trees and I stood over him so I could sheild him from the hail that was bouncing off my back - thankfully I was wearing a pack-a-mac type thing (yeah, not stylish or anything but that wasn't the major concern at the time) that was waterproof but did nothing to keep me warm!
The hail subsided a little and we managed to get to a nearby bus shelter until things had really calmed down enough to set off back home with me pulling my son's bike and wheeling mine along with my fingers gradually turning to ice!
Too be honest I think we both quite enjoyed the novelty of being out in the hail ... I just wish they could make the stuff a bit warmer!
Friday, 4 April 2008
A horrible way to sober up
Well, actually I did sober up over the course of the day anyway though I still feel very tired (no, I don't want sympathy, it was self-inflicted drunkeness!)
I had to tell my wife that I will not be going to Vancouver now, the project is cutting back and there is essentially no budget for myself and several other people. This, in a work sense, isn't too surprising or worrying, given the point in the project lifecycle it's understandable that they would do this.
However, my wife was not happy about this at all and essentially she still wants me out of the house by the 26th April (when I was meant to be flying out to Canada) and it's entirely my problem where I stay etc. She suggested the friend C had mentioned who had a house she was trying to sell but I don't think I would get in there given the very small amount of money I can afford for rent.
My wife suggested that we sell the house then which I said was a crazy idea as the market is terrible at the moment and things just aren't moving so we would likely get nowhere near the value of the house in the event that it did actually go. This would ultimately mean we'd all suffer as we wouldn't be able to buy new accommodation!
So, I think I'll stay in the office for a while until my wife has had chance to calm down.
I had to tell my wife that I will not be going to Vancouver now, the project is cutting back and there is essentially no budget for myself and several other people. This, in a work sense, isn't too surprising or worrying, given the point in the project lifecycle it's understandable that they would do this.
However, my wife was not happy about this at all and essentially she still wants me out of the house by the 26th April (when I was meant to be flying out to Canada) and it's entirely my problem where I stay etc. She suggested the friend C had mentioned who had a house she was trying to sell but I don't think I would get in there given the very small amount of money I can afford for rent.
My wife suggested that we sell the house then which I said was a crazy idea as the market is terrible at the moment and things just aren't moving so we would likely get nowhere near the value of the house in the event that it did actually go. This would ultimately mean we'd all suffer as we wouldn't be able to buy new accommodation!
So, I think I'll stay in the office for a while until my wife has had chance to calm down.
Wednesday, 2 April 2008
I'm getting a bit seasick!
Everything is constantly going up and down, there is little consistency in how well/badly things are going at the moment!
I thought we had things sorted out last night, we had a plan and we had some agreement about what was going on and we were even being civil to each other. This morning seemed to be much of the same though my wife was a little testy about the fact that I didn't help as much as I could get our son ready for school.
I'm torn as to whether this was a fair point; on one hand I had stayed away
as my son is struggling to eat breakfast and I generally want him to manage it all himself and I offer no help - and he whinges and whines and I don't really help matters. On the other hand I did sit or 30mins writing a blog entry (didn't want to wait 'till I got to work) when I could have been getting myself dressed and sorted out.
I got back late tonight (around 7pm) as I'd ended up trying to finish off some work (did get distracted with talking to S as well though) and I didn't txt/phone till just before I left. Anyway my wife didn't seem too bothered by this.
She asked me about the trip to Vancouver and was suspicious of the response; that I still didn't know yet, she thought I was just "stringing her along". I said they are still deciding and it is a bit up in the air over there at the moment (projects, budgets, people, etc), but I'd let her know as soon as I know.
She then started saying that I needed to redirect my mail once I knew that I was going - it could be sent to my parents place she said and they could forward it. I misunderstood and thought that she wanted me to do that straight-away or when I moved out. Anyway I said that all of it would likely be bills anyway so they were probably better coming here - she started to get upset and said that we were meant to be separated and something about the tax credits.
[ Oh, at some point in the conversation above she mentioned that I should cut my nails - they are certainly getting long now so difficult NOT to notice, on the other hand - pun not intended - we are separated, why should I cut my nails! ]
I said that I thought "separated" could apply if we simply slept in different beds so there should be no problems as far as the tax man was concerned. At which point she said she had a headache and was tired and didn't want to talk about this.
I'm a little annoyed that, from what I thought yesterday (see this mornings post), my wife has reverted so quickly to wanting to push me out and away and to rub out all trace of my existence and link to the house.
My wife would likely say that she is getting annoyed/upset because she is tired, has had a hard day at work, and that it's her time of the month (this apparently gives her the right to be psychotic - yes, I know it isn't pleasant and does make you feel like crap but after so many years of this you'd think a trip to the doctor to try and get something to make it less traumatic might be in order?).
Sorry, I'm just a bit miffed to now be facing "nasty" wife again when I thought we were trying to be civil to each other.
I thought we had things sorted out last night, we had a plan and we had some agreement about what was going on and we were even being civil to each other. This morning seemed to be much of the same though my wife was a little testy about the fact that I didn't help as much as I could get our son ready for school.
I'm torn as to whether this was a fair point; on one hand I had stayed away
as my son is struggling to eat breakfast and I generally want him to manage it all himself and I offer no help - and he whinges and whines and I don't really help matters. On the other hand I did sit or 30mins writing a blog entry (didn't want to wait 'till I got to work) when I could have been getting myself dressed and sorted out.
I got back late tonight (around 7pm) as I'd ended up trying to finish off some work (did get distracted with talking to S as well though) and I didn't txt/phone till just before I left. Anyway my wife didn't seem too bothered by this.
She asked me about the trip to Vancouver and was suspicious of the response; that I still didn't know yet, she thought I was just "stringing her along". I said they are still deciding and it is a bit up in the air over there at the moment (projects, budgets, people, etc), but I'd let her know as soon as I know.
She then started saying that I needed to redirect my mail once I knew that I was going - it could be sent to my parents place she said and they could forward it. I misunderstood and thought that she wanted me to do that straight-away or when I moved out. Anyway I said that all of it would likely be bills anyway so they were probably better coming here - she started to get upset and said that we were meant to be separated and something about the tax credits.
[ Oh, at some point in the conversation above she mentioned that I should cut my nails - they are certainly getting long now so difficult NOT to notice, on the other hand - pun not intended - we are separated, why should I cut my nails! ]
I said that I thought "separated" could apply if we simply slept in different beds so there should be no problems as far as the tax man was concerned. At which point she said she had a headache and was tired and didn't want to talk about this.
I'm a little annoyed that, from what I thought yesterday (see this mornings post), my wife has reverted so quickly to wanting to push me out and away and to rub out all trace of my existence and link to the house.
My wife would likely say that she is getting annoyed/upset because she is tired, has had a hard day at work, and that it's her time of the month (this apparently gives her the right to be psychotic - yes, I know it isn't pleasant and does make you feel like crap but after so many years of this you'd think a trip to the doctor to try and get something to make it less traumatic might be in order?).
Sorry, I'm just a bit miffed to now be facing "nasty" wife again when I thought we were trying to be civil to each other.
My wife's view
I can't really know or fully understand what my wife thinks about me, what has happened, what could happen or what her feelings really are and the reasons behind everything. I think it's pretty safe to say that we are both bad at communication and that neither of us has fully listened or understood what the other has had to say.
Yesterday was a pretty horrible day and it involved shouting, screaming, sobbing and crying from my wife and me feeling confused, hurt, and frankly scared about what she or her family would do. I wrote a whole explanation in my private diary and even went as far as sharing this with a close friend "just in case" I was that concerned.
But C and her sister (legally trained) came down in the evening to talk to us both and mediate as well as provide my wife with much needed moral support. And as we were talking everything through it occurred to me that what may wife had said and done earlier in the day was in complete contrast to what she felt.
She had wanted me out, she didn't want me in the house or anywhere near her. I'd been trying to explain that that was what I was trying to do; I had looked into a 2nd mortgage, I'd looked at houses, I was going to look at some more. She still hated me for what I had done and just wanted nothing to do with me.
That's not it though. She didn't want me to be moving out, even though she wanted me to go away. She was hurt, angry, and confused that I was leaving and that, I guess, I was so ready to leave and was being practical about it all. She didn't want to lose me, or the family that we had, and more importantly the husband that she feels she once had but has now faded to be replaced by "the other woman" as she puts it.
So it seems, on reflection, that everything she said was "go away" but everything she felt was "please stay" (hmm, that rhymes, it could be lyrics from a song :D ).
Having C and her sister helped my wife understand a little better what I had been saying all along and gave me a chance to explain the bits that had been missing. What we discussed as a way forward also was less drastic and final that moving out into a 2nd property and also calmed things down quite a bit. We had a relatively civil time for the rest of the evening and my wife even made some 'jokes' about hormones and GRS (okay, neither topic is particularly funny, you had to be there at the time).
This goes back to something S said: Communication. If you've got it sorted then lots of problems can be avoided or discussed, when it breaks down on either side the nightmare scenarios begin.
C has been fantastic and hopefully can help my wife stay as calm as possible and understand what is going on in a way I can't put across. She has been completely even-handed about everything.
One interesting point before I go: clearly her sister is aware of the details since C said that I would have to stop spending money and my wife piped up that I needed to stop spending on dresses and shoes!
Yesterday was a pretty horrible day and it involved shouting, screaming, sobbing and crying from my wife and me feeling confused, hurt, and frankly scared about what she or her family would do. I wrote a whole explanation in my private diary and even went as far as sharing this with a close friend "just in case" I was that concerned.
But C and her sister (legally trained) came down in the evening to talk to us both and mediate as well as provide my wife with much needed moral support. And as we were talking everything through it occurred to me that what may wife had said and done earlier in the day was in complete contrast to what she felt.
She had wanted me out, she didn't want me in the house or anywhere near her. I'd been trying to explain that that was what I was trying to do; I had looked into a 2nd mortgage, I'd looked at houses, I was going to look at some more. She still hated me for what I had done and just wanted nothing to do with me.
That's not it though. She didn't want me to be moving out, even though she wanted me to go away. She was hurt, angry, and confused that I was leaving and that, I guess, I was so ready to leave and was being practical about it all. She didn't want to lose me, or the family that we had, and more importantly the husband that she feels she once had but has now faded to be replaced by "the other woman" as she puts it.
So it seems, on reflection, that everything she said was "go away" but everything she felt was "please stay" (hmm, that rhymes, it could be lyrics from a song :D ).
Having C and her sister helped my wife understand a little better what I had been saying all along and gave me a chance to explain the bits that had been missing. What we discussed as a way forward also was less drastic and final that moving out into a 2nd property and also calmed things down quite a bit. We had a relatively civil time for the rest of the evening and my wife even made some 'jokes' about hormones and GRS (okay, neither topic is particularly funny, you had to be there at the time).
This goes back to something S said: Communication. If you've got it sorted then lots of problems can be avoided or discussed, when it breaks down on either side the nightmare scenarios begin.
C has been fantastic and hopefully can help my wife stay as calm as possible and understand what is going on in a way I can't put across. She has been completely even-handed about everything.
One interesting point before I go: clearly her sister is aware of the details since C said that I would have to stop spending money and my wife piped up that I needed to stop spending on dresses and shoes!
Monday, 24 March 2008
Grooming
I am stupid.
There, I've said it. People have hinted at it, maybe other words have been used, a good friend of mine in school once said that I "say a lot of rubbish but every now and then say something really important" which was actually pretty sweet but sadly 100% accurate and therefore tantamount (always wanted to write that in a sentence) to "stupid" anyway.
Why am I stupid I don't hear you ask? (Is this really rhetorical with a negative in it?) Well teh current reason is that I have attempted to talk too much about things. I've never really got to grips with keeping surprises (secrets I'm 100% water-tight on, since 1. I like to see people happy so don't go blabbing things that upset them and 2. I often forget secrets, or at least put them to the back of my mind).
Where was I, oh yes, surprises and things about me and things I'm interested in or find amusing, or quirky. I just LOVE to talk/chat/gossip and I don't mind setting myself up to be the butt of a joke or, what I see as a humourous scenario. What's worse is this extends pretty much to ANYTHING I've done or do and I have no concept of filtering things.
So, when I felt that I was being interesting in telling my wife that one of my friends at work had some alternative extra-curricula activities (I know this person may read this blog; don't worry, nothing 'important' was divulged, all secrets are still safe, you were just being used as an example of how naive I am) this was not filed in the same way I view this sort of information.
It was then linked to the next piece of prime stupidity which was to tell my wife that this friend and I had been to dinner; all perfectly innocent, we've had dinner before (and I've made no secret of that ... I love food and drink, and I love to have these with friends). The only difference this time was I was in Fiona mode (sorry, geekisms unfortunately creep in, "mode" indeed!).
Link that to the first piece of information and we arrive at the following two words:
Grooming
Encouraging
Apparently this friend of mine is "encouraging" me to do more Fiona things. No she is not. Absolutely not ... other Friends *are* (but only in the sense that they are interested in the same things; clothes, shopping, shoes, etc) but this particular friend isn't, she just has a very broad range of life experience and my little 'hobby' is minor by comparison.
The "grooming" bit, which I particularly disliked due to the sexual-deviant overtones (given the frequent usage of this word in the context of sex offenders), is due to what was perceived as my constant discussions on topics related to gender, sexuality, and related areas. Apparently I was "grooming" my wife to accept my lifestyle and behaviours.
I won't deny that, over the past 2years I've wanted acceptance and understanding and even involvement, and I can certainly see that I've gone on about things quite alot, too much by the sounds of it. But I see "grooming" as a rather offensive term, one which sounds like it came from either spontaneous angry or from a more lengthy discussion over the weekend between my wife and her family. Or it could be part of the general paranoia about me that I twist things and try and put my wife down.
For the record I'm not that clever. I can't twist things as I generally don't remember enough details! I'm also not smart enough for anything too convoluted or dastardly and generally judt trundle through life trying to enjoy myself!
There, I've said it. People have hinted at it, maybe other words have been used, a good friend of mine in school once said that I "say a lot of rubbish but every now and then say something really important" which was actually pretty sweet but sadly 100% accurate and therefore tantamount (always wanted to write that in a sentence) to "stupid" anyway.
Why am I stupid I don't hear you ask? (Is this really rhetorical with a negative in it?) Well teh current reason is that I have attempted to talk too much about things. I've never really got to grips with keeping surprises (secrets I'm 100% water-tight on, since 1. I like to see people happy so don't go blabbing things that upset them and 2. I often forget secrets, or at least put them to the back of my mind).
Where was I, oh yes, surprises and things about me and things I'm interested in or find amusing, or quirky. I just LOVE to talk/chat/gossip and I don't mind setting myself up to be the butt of a joke or, what I see as a humourous scenario. What's worse is this extends pretty much to ANYTHING I've done or do and I have no concept of filtering things.
So, when I felt that I was being interesting in telling my wife that one of my friends at work had some alternative extra-curricula activities (I know this person may read this blog; don't worry, nothing 'important' was divulged, all secrets are still safe, you were just being used as an example of how naive I am) this was not filed in the same way I view this sort of information.
It was then linked to the next piece of prime stupidity which was to tell my wife that this friend and I had been to dinner; all perfectly innocent, we've had dinner before (and I've made no secret of that ... I love food and drink, and I love to have these with friends). The only difference this time was I was in Fiona mode (sorry, geekisms unfortunately creep in, "mode" indeed!).
Link that to the first piece of information and we arrive at the following two words:
Grooming
Encouraging
Apparently this friend of mine is "encouraging" me to do more Fiona things. No she is not. Absolutely not ... other Friends *are* (but only in the sense that they are interested in the same things; clothes, shopping, shoes, etc) but this particular friend isn't, she just has a very broad range of life experience and my little 'hobby' is minor by comparison.
The "grooming" bit, which I particularly disliked due to the sexual-deviant overtones (given the frequent usage of this word in the context of sex offenders), is due to what was perceived as my constant discussions on topics related to gender, sexuality, and related areas. Apparently I was "grooming" my wife to accept my lifestyle and behaviours.
I won't deny that, over the past 2years I've wanted acceptance and understanding and even involvement, and I can certainly see that I've gone on about things quite alot, too much by the sounds of it. But I see "grooming" as a rather offensive term, one which sounds like it came from either spontaneous angry or from a more lengthy discussion over the weekend between my wife and her family. Or it could be part of the general paranoia about me that I twist things and try and put my wife down.
For the record I'm not that clever. I can't twist things as I generally don't remember enough details! I'm also not smart enough for anything too convoluted or dastardly and generally judt trundle through life trying to enjoy myself!
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