I need a Date

With the onset of autumn this week (yes, I know it seems early but it certainly feels, smells, and looks like we're heading into that season given the recent weather) I've been feeling a little tired and thoughtful - this is of course partially down to having to cycle through the aforementioned weather and also having lots to do at work and at home. So I've been thinking about what can get me out of this slightly lower patch.

Life at the moment is quite busy; lots to do at work, plenty of things to occupy me at the weekend, friends to chat to, trips away to plan. Rachel and I seem to be getting on fine as friends and house-mates so no awkwardness there. In short, there isn't much that should be holding me back.

We just received the e-mail about our works Christmas party which of course has now got me thinking about who I would take along. Also I'm heading to Manchester Pride this weekend and, while I'm meeting up with Lucy on Saturday (which is fantastic, so need to catch up) I've no-one to wander round with on Friday. I know it sounds terribly practical and unromantic but it's just these kind of occasions when having a partner just makes life that little be easier and more fun.

It's nice to have someone to look forward to seeing aswell, someone who makes you happy when you think about them and who's there for a cuddle when that's just what you need to make the problems of life disappear for a few brief moments. And it's nice to be that for someone else as well, to be the person they really want to be with.

I guess this is one of those times when you realise what you had only when it's gone. I waited a long time to start a new relationship and it actually happened when I least expected it. It really did give so much more confidence in myself at the time, and while that hasn't all just vanished, being alone again has had an impact.

I hope I'm not behaving as whiney as the above sounds, I really do think I'm lucky and I've got alot to be very, very, very thankful for, I just need a big kick to get be back to feeling as confident and happy as I should be!

Single Again

While it was an obvious shock for alot of our friends, Rachel and I were heading for yesterdays 'serious' talk for quite a while, the conclusion of which was that we have decided to split. We'd had a few discussions about things that we each wanted out of life, love and relationships, and it become more and more obvious that we were very different in many respects. So, in the end, there was little we could offer each other than simply friendship.

It all sounds very organised and clinical and, while there was alot of holding back tears from both of us last night, it was quite surreal at how quickly we decided things and then went about updating FaceBook to remove our relationship from there. That does make it official these days, once all the social networking sites have been updated then it's the truth, final, indisputable.

We slept apart last night and just started a fairly normal day this morning. I don't know how Rachel is dealing with this or what she feels at the moment. For my part I'm burying this among many other feelings and thoughts I have cluttering up my head. If I think too much about this, like any of the other things on my mind at the moment, tears pool in my eyes and I have to fight to get everything under control. I know that I will have a 'good' cry at some point soon, it's just a matter or time.

It is the right decision and I don't think either of us had been completely happy being in a relationship which we could probably see wasn't right for us. But it's still sad and it's still a shock to have life change so quickly. It's odd to now be single again, feeling a little direction-less and empty. Maybe that is why some people stay together because, even if things aren't perfect, it's better than the hollow feeling of loneliness.

Anyway, I best not ramble on too much, I need to focus on all the other plans in my life, the weekends away, seeing friends, holiday with my son, photo shoots, work and a myriad of other things I can keep busy with. Busy is better than thinking after all.

Relationships

Are complicated.

That isn't obviously earth shattering news and I guess most people go through a fair few in their lives. Personally I don't think I have had that many and, so far there has only been one long-term relationship that I have been involved in so I'm not the worlds expert in this area and the pithy conclusion above is actually quite a step for me.

As it might have been apparent from Twitter and the recent blog posts, Rachel and I are back together. I'm not going to go into the full reasons why, suffice to say that, well, it's complicated! That does sound somewhat negative but again, to me, anything beyond the most simple union is a new thing for me.

From my own personal perspective the last month has involved a lot of learning on my part, I really haven't been able to just rely on my rather simplistic model of life to get me through. I'm not always right for example, and sometimes things are more involved than you expect.

I admit that this is all a big vague and cryptic but I think that the best thing I can learn from all of this is to just try and enjoy every moment you can, not stress out too much about myself or the other person I'm involved with and, most importantly, to TALK. I know this shouldn't be a problem for me but I guess it is. You live and learn :)

Not a happy Christmas

I'm not sure what to say and I am just too upset for words really and on the edge of crying constantly but I guess if I at least try and write down what has happened it will explain, maybe make things worse, maybe make me feel bad as I think of the consequences. Sometimes things just hurt those involved so badly but there isn't anything you can do, it is just that way, no matter how much you wish it wasn't.

I have split up with Rachel.

The timing couldn't have been worse. As I write this I can see the mess I have made of Christmas and New Year for both of us. This season is just wrecked, completely and totally. It's a hideous, horrible, time now, all plans are out of the window, everything we might have done to have fun will not happen - the people we were going to see, the things we were going to do.

All ruined because of me, I was the one who ended the relationship.

I really don't have words to describe how I feel, sad, lonely, alone, isolated probably don't even come close. Confused as well, not sure what to do, and where to turn.

The finality and impact of the decision really hit home when I saw how fast the news appeared on the various social networking sites ... not only have we split up we have now had that made 'official' by Tweets, change in FaceBook status, and now this blog entry.

I really don't know what else to say. I need to try and get some sleep I guess before I can face the reality of this tomorrow. I'm not sure I want to face it, not sure I can deal with this Christmas anymore.

Note to self ...

... don't do interviews in London and Edinburgh back to back, it's insane and you just end up very tired and running on adrenaline! I have certainly covered some miles over the past few days and I'm looking forward to having maybe a day or so to relax!

Things have been kind of manic since the weekend in actual fact and I have crammed so much into this time that I really do need to catch my breath!

I guess the mania started on Friday when I spent about 5hrs chatting online to someone I'd met briefly at Manchester Pride. I asked her to come along to a birthday party I was going to in Manchester but since she lives in York it makes the logistics a little complicated and costly particularly coming so soon after Pride weekend - in fact I was considering not going for the same reasons. Anyway, we got on so well and had so much in common that it got to the point where 'no' was not an acceptable response, she HAD to come along.

So she did. And we did get on really well and just, as we both agreed, 'clicked'.

It's early days so I'm not going to go into vast amounts of detail about her and our relationship, I personally think intimate information is best kept private and not something I ever want to publish to the world at large (I've put more details on FaceBook for friends but even there a line must be drawn). I think some the recent experiences might be worth discussion though.

For example we walked into Manchester city centre to see a film (a suitably sedentary activity with which to sober up) and we were walking along holding hands. Strangely this didn't seem in any way odd or 'wrong' too me and I was really rather too hung-over and tried to notice peoples reactions. It did occur to me that it might generate some stares though. In Vancouver I saw many gay men and women holding hands and being affectionate in public but it's not something I've seen alot in the UK, even for straight couples I think there is a distinctly more reserved attitude than in other parts of the world.

One of the things that I did struggle with in my head was how I would feel when dating someone female. I've always said that I am now technically a lesbian, I don't have any attraction to men at all. But the problem is how I would feel about my gender and sexuality when all my previous memories would put me in a very 'male' role in a relationship with someone female. This doesn't seem to be what I feel now, if anything I feel more feminine, not less, and definitely see this as what it is, a lesbian relationship.

So my tour of the UK also included a trip from Edinburgh to York to see the new woman in my life for one brief evening before she had to go to work and I had to return home to sort out the piles of washing and mess in the flat that accumulated due to all the rushing around! The train journey from York back to Preston was quite long but very beautiful. The slightly less beautiful picture to the left is me looking tired and the one below was of one of the many pretty train stations on the way back.

Getting a bit repetitive

I do go through similar feelings every weekend I see my son and so apologies if this has been covered before (several times).

I just wanted to explain (again) why I'm doing this. I guess it doesn't make much sense why I would take a perfectly good life and smash it to bits. And in particular it is rather nonsensical given that I'm generally not a depressed or in any way stressed person who is so desperate to change that I've lost all reason.

I guess the only way I can explain is to say that I'm doing this because I feel I have to now rather than wait until things do get worse. I'm not irrationally obsessed with everything yet but I feel it is something that would happen sooner or later. I did think constantly about the changes that I am now starting, it's something that I just couldn't get out of my head.

So when I see my son and we do the sort of things that we use to, as a family, and then I see his Mum and things are going well and we're talking, I do wonder why I had to go and spoil everything. I don't dislike B at all, quite the opposite in fact, she is managing to be a single Mum, have more responsibility at work, and also get out and enjoy herself and have a life. She looks fabulous, she really does.

I thought at the beginning of the year that everything would be okay and that we'd stay together and just deal with all of this. That was naive and probably a bit lazy on my part. I'd like to say that I didn't start on this transition because of my love for B and our son. I think the truth is that I was just rather pathetic and scared and was just letting my life meander. I think this is one of the reasons I do so intensely dislike reminders of my previous life because I don't think I was a very good person, I was just there, not important and not worth anything.

Now that I have made hard decisions in my life I can at least have some pride and the fact that I am taking some responsibility in who and what I am. It would be nice if I could have done this while still keeping a family together but I don't think that was possible so I have to deal with that.

I, and more importantly, B and our son, have alot of support and I'm hopeful that, given time we will be a family again, though still apart but at least being able to be there for each other. Really, things are probably easier than for others in similar situations, though still harder than they should be and more than B expected or deserved.

Not sure if I've mentioned this before but I realised a while ago that you really can't help your feelings. You can try and make logical decisions and even try and ease how you feel inside but ultimately you can't change this. So that means I really do have to go through this transition but I will still miss having a home, family, and partner just as they probably miss having me.

Looking for love

Well, I'm not really as I'm clearly too f***ed up to have a meaningful (or even meaningless) relationship at the moment and probably wouldn't even know where to start looking. But since I mentioned having a rather quiet and empty flat (well I said bed in the previous post actually) I thought I would mention what my ideal partner would be like in the alsmost certain knowledge that I'll never meet anyone like that (though I can still have a glimmer of hope in dreaming about it):

• Lesbian - and a very understanding one at that as I'm clearly not completely female yet (or ever if you want to get picky)
  
• Rich

Yep, that's about it. Really one of the characters out of The L Word would do nicely!

Okay, on a more serious point I guess someone who can be understanding, supportive, and just accept me for me (and associated emotional and psychological baggage) is the main and obvious requirements.

Anyway, back to reality.