Chinese New Year

Sunday was spent in Manchester with my son seeing the Chinese New Year celebrations. On the plus side we had a good time, managed to see some of the performances (the Dragon for example), took a few pictures and ate some nice food. Ultimately though it was rather over-crowded and we didn't stay into the evening to see the fireworks.

It was lovely to see my son again and I must mention what really made the day extra special. For a start I was able to pick him up from his house rather than meeting somewhere else. This in itself is an amazingly huge step and I am thankful enough for that alone. But I also got to stay for a while when I dropped him off and got to see the wonderful home in which he lives and also his bedroom.

I know that sounds a bit silly, it's just a room after all, but it had changed so much since I was last there and ... I really don't know how to explain it. It was just something I wanted to be able to share in and be able to picture in my head when I talked to him on the phone.

When I left I was close to tears I was so grateful and happy, I really can't describe how much it meant to me. All I can say is Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, Thank you.

The Sky's the Limit

While alot of the house is still no longer visible I do remember that there are quite a few phone and television points so of course I wanted to get the PVR and TV plugged in and running so as not to miss all that wonderful winter programming (or probably more entertaining would be the Christmas adverts).

But something was wrong. Couldn't seem to get a signal at all from the main connection. Hmmm, I thought about this for a while and then happened to be in the back garden where I could see wires tacked to the wall - I assumed these were for the satellite dish ... and some were, but others were for the TV sockets ... and they were just connected together, no aerial in sight! It seems this house is limited to receiving programming from Sky!

So I need to look into the options: there is obviously Sky which is ridiculously over-priced, there is now FreeSat which seems better in that you simply need a receiver (though I's need to replace my PVR and some channels aren't available), I could also get an aerial fitted and stick to FreeView. All of these require money and complexity that probably aren't justified given the amount of TV I watch.

There is one other possibility on the horizon and that is SeeSaw. From the news report in the Guardian it seems that project Kangaroo has been resurrected and this could, if it aims to have the same content, offer an alternative to watching programmes over-the-air. It may also have the knock-on affect of increasing competition and driving down the costs of the likes of Sky and could maybe even lead to interesting home entertainment systems in the future.

For now, I think I'll just have to stick to iPlayer or my collection of DVDs for viewing entertainment, until I can save up to implement an alternative plan after some extensive research into the available gadgetry.

Moving on up ...

Well, it's been a very hectic time recently, hence the lack of posts, and this weekend in particular has been so busy and frenetic that, while it would have been good to get my thoughts down, I simply haven't had a spare second.

It's meant to be a commonly accepted fact that moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do but I think I have either been lucky or oblivious with the previous experiences so I suspect things caught up with me this time.

There was so much stuff to move and I think the trip I did this weekend was really just the bits and pieces that are possibly only a few steps away from junk. I don't know what it is, but I'm feeling the need to rid myself of all but things I consider essential. I got rid of a whole load of old computers and parts that I was simply never going to use. I'm seriously considering dumping all of my old university notes as well; yes there is some nostalgia there but I'm never going to refer to them every again so why keep them.

In fact keeping all this junk and having to move it was really getting to me. I think there are a few reasons for this, like the one above, but also I suspect that it reminds me too much of how I was; I use to hide behind all the gadgetry and fake nostalgia and geekiness and I don't want to be like that anymore. Yes, I am a geek/nerd, but I'm not that sad that I need to horde junk.

I also think the whole moving away and lack of familiar surroundings, proximity to family, and just general huge change in my life was also building up inside me. It really has been a massive impact and the emotion and confusion was totally unexpected. I was in tears twice over the weekend, snapped at Rachel, and was generally unhappy, unstable, and not myself at all. It was horrible really.

Having a house that is still full of unpacked boxes piled in the sitting room hasn't helped but this morning I've started to see some light at the end of the tunnel and I think we're both less stressed and feeling happier.

I guess this is a very rambling post but what I'm trying to convey is the fact that such a large upheaval in my life is something that, given who and what I am now, is something that was hard to cope with and it will take me a while to get back to feeling 'normal' and 100% happy.

Bike Delivery!

I guess I've always been a little odd and unconventional, maybe not in an extreme dye-your-hair-bright-orange but in maybe more subtle ways I've always stood out a bit and seemed a little different.

A minor example of this was when I use to take my son to school on the bike (him in a trailer behind) which kind of made me (and him) stand out a little!

Anyway, I just had another one of those little moments this morning as I had to return my son's bike which he'd been on over the weekend but had left it to be picked up later in the week. Since it's nice weather at the moment B thought he could do with it now. Since I was cycling into work I therefore had to tow the bike (with the Trail Gator I've mentioned before) over to the house.

I must have looked a bit of a strange site with a bright red childs bike behind me, without a child sat in the seat. I kept expecting someone to shout and tell me I'd lost my passenger ... but it was 6am in the morning so not many people around to notice!

It was very strange seeing the house again. And quite emotional. Wish I could have popped in to say hello to my son really, or just spent some time there.

One thing that I was worried about was seeing any of the neighbours since I thought that might be a little awkward. I thought I'd got away with it until I cycled off the estate and spotted one the next-door neighbours walking his dogs along the cycle path towards me - I quickly got off the pavement and passed him on the opposite side of the road. I think he did see me and I probably gave a weak smile back.

So, an interesting morning!

Not a home

I'm sure my friends have been telling me this for ages that, despite my feeling that things have been split fairly, I have given up quite alot and should not feel as guilty as I might do and also should not expect or accept losing more.

One aspect of this hit me on Sunday when I realised that where I live now is simply a flat, which contains little, if anything to make it a home. My son was over for the weekend and we went out on Saturday (to cold and rainy Liverpool) which was okay but pretty tiring for both of us. When we got back my son was a little upset (his legs were hurting, he was tired) and I ended up having to call B because he kept asking to go home and sleep in his own bed. We convinced him to stay, B was going out on Sunday morning, but she had to bring round some DVDs and things for him.

Then on Sunday we had a lazy day, played on the Wii, watched some DVDs and generally slobbed around. Only when it got to the afternoon when we'd kind of run out of things to do did it hit me that there was nothing much in the flat for my son to play with and none of the things you kind of acquire in a house to make it a home.

It also struck me that this must be a problem for any partner who moves out from the family home, it's really hard to, for want of a better word, compete, with the parent that remains. Equally it must be difficult for anyone who is not the primary carer to not be able to provide the kind of environment that their children would want to live in, it seems there will always be some sort of inequality.

In my case I think I have put myself in the position where I elected to leave and restrict my accommodation and living expenses so that B and my son could maintain the same level of comfort that they have had before. I felt quite low about all of this yesterday when I realised that my son may not want to be staying with me and that I'd be the 'poor' parent in a sense. I still feel low but maybe a little angry as well that B still blames me for everything and keeps insisting that I got "what I wanted" ... I'm not really sure I wanted all of this or deserved it.

"I want you to stay with me, Daddy"

My son is very clever. He's maybe too clever given all the problems that my wife and myself are going through as he's obviously picking up on it and he has the uncanny knack of, at the very least appearing, to understand some of the consequences of the arguing that is going on around him.

So while he was brushing his teeth he said the following:

"I want you to stay with me, Daddy"
"What, for ever and ever?"
"Yes, don't go to Canada"

I had to try and explain that the computers needed fixing in Canada because they kept getting broken, which was met with the pretty obvious question:

"Who is breaking them?"

Hmmm, that one took a little bit of explaining!

So, more things to think about; what is for the best, staying and us all having to suffer the arguments and pain or spent a long time in Canada and maybe allow some level of 'normal' life for my son.