Beginning to wonder ...

... whether my naive view that people would consider me on my skills and experience rather than the fact that I'm transgendered and look like some weird, ugly, freak, was just too optimistic.

I've had several rejections after face-to-face interviews now and, while there was only one incident where someone clearly could not hide their shock at seeing me, the lack of any feedback at all, or fairly lack-lustre reasoning, is making me think that I'm at a disadvantage because of my appearance and gender (well the trans nature of it).

While I can understand that companies are sifting through lots of CVs and conducting many interviews, I do think it is extremely rude and unhelpful to not provide any feedback at all, particularly as, in my case, I have travelled a great distance to get to some of the locations (and done it several times). I personally would obviously benefit a great deal from feedback as it has been a long time since I interviewed and my situation then was alot different.

As I said, I do recognise that the bad manners approach of not providing feedback, or even giving someone a definitive "no" and simple reason why they haven't been successful, is something that seems to apply in alot of cases, but I really can't help thinking that there may be that extra reason for me; "Frankly we think you're a weirdo and you'd upset/confuse/frighten too many people here so we don't want to hire you". Sounds extreme but given the number of looks I get from the general populace it's hardly an unsurprising view to suspect.

I'm not asking for special treatment or any amount of positive discrimination here, I'm very much against that as it's simply patronising and self-defeating. But some consideration for what I've gone through over the past few years would be appreciated, as well as allowances made for that fact that my self-confidence has taken a hammering would also be most helpful.

Being trans does not affect my ability to do my job, in some ways quite the contrary. However, I'm beginning to suspect that it does quite significantly affect my ability to get a job in the first place.

[ Update: Two points to make here. The comments above in no way apply to my current employer, and I should also state that one of the companies that I was indirectly criticising were not being rude but simply slow, they have actually returned with feedback. One final point as well; I don't name companies I've had dealings with here, that would be unfair, and I certainly don't publish who I work for! Also see the disclaimer at the top - my opinions here remember ]

Magical place

Now, if I had been more organised there would be a fantastic picture of Canary Wharf at night to illustrate this blog post (update: I've added it now!). I did take some pictures and I might be lucky and have got some good ones (Rachel would definitely have done a good job and I wish she had have been here) but what I don't have is the cable to transfer them from camera to computer! D'OH! Will update this when I do!

As you may have guessed, I was down in London (again), for another interview and this time I decided to make the most of the trip and stay the night so as not to have to rush back and also to enjoy a day out afterwards.

The interviewing started at around 5:30pm and I didn't get out until going on 8pm, by which time it was already dark and everything was lit up and looked just amazing (I was searching for a suitable simile but none came to me). I stood in one of the squares and just looked around at all the lights and really was quite taken with it. I know by day is maybe doesn't look as attractive (particularly when working away busily in one of the offices), but really, at night you should stop and just look at how magical it looks.

I actually ended up standing there for about an hour talking on the phone to friends about how the interview had gone and telling them all how wonderful it looked here and what a dream come true it would be to actually manage to get a job here (in case you are curious, the interview seemed to go okay and I certainly tried my best so can only wait and see now).

I finally got back to the hotel, did a quick change out of the interview suit and into comfy trainers and set off armed with camera and tripod for a walk. I hope the pictures I took do look good when finally processed, they seem okay from the viewing of them on the tiny screen on the camera but I know that can be misleading. There are one or two that will, if processed correctly look fantastic I think (hope).

I actually lost track of time and spent about 2hrs wandering around and snapping and it was thoroughly enjoyable. I did get stopped twice, first but a guy in a suit who warned me that I might need permission to take pictures and the second time by a policeman who said that using a tripod required a permit "because they think you are a professional". I explained that I was far from professional and he, very kindly, said "I haven't seen you".

[ I'm going to look into this issue, I've read and been told before that standing on public highways/paths means you can take any pictures you like and no-one can stop you. The permit for a tripod thing kind of makes sense but really seems unenforceable, particularly with the number of tourists from far flung countries, laden with high tech camera equipment. ]

I finally started to head back around 11:30pm and felt a bit hungry and in need of, I'm ashamed to admit, a McDonalds. This was probably helped by the large subliminal message on the place stating that it was open until 2am. However, what I hadn't absorbed from this subtle signage was that it was the drive through open until that point. I kind of wondered what to do when I saw a guy walk up to the drive-through and place his order. So I did the same. It was a very surreal experience queuing with a few cars to collect our food!

Overall a very fun, and hopefully productive day. Looking outside now the weather seems fantastic so I'm hoping to have a nice day exploring bits of London and maybe getting some nice pictures. Again, would be better if Rachel was here for many reasons.

Note to self ...

... don't do interviews in London and Edinburgh back to back, it's insane and you just end up very tired and running on adrenaline! I have certainly covered some miles over the past few days and I'm looking forward to having maybe a day or so to relax!

Things have been kind of manic since the weekend in actual fact and I have crammed so much into this time that I really do need to catch my breath!

I guess the mania started on Friday when I spent about 5hrs chatting online to someone I'd met briefly at Manchester Pride. I asked her to come along to a birthday party I was going to in Manchester but since she lives in York it makes the logistics a little complicated and costly particularly coming so soon after Pride weekend - in fact I was considering not going for the same reasons. Anyway, we got on so well and had so much in common that it got to the point where 'no' was not an acceptable response, she HAD to come along.

So she did. And we did get on really well and just, as we both agreed, 'clicked'.

It's early days so I'm not going to go into vast amounts of detail about her and our relationship, I personally think intimate information is best kept private and not something I ever want to publish to the world at large (I've put more details on FaceBook for friends but even there a line must be drawn). I think some the recent experiences might be worth discussion though.

For example we walked into Manchester city centre to see a film (a suitably sedentary activity with which to sober up) and we were walking along holding hands. Strangely this didn't seem in any way odd or 'wrong' too me and I was really rather too hung-over and tried to notice peoples reactions. It did occur to me that it might generate some stares though. In Vancouver I saw many gay men and women holding hands and being affectionate in public but it's not something I've seen alot in the UK, even for straight couples I think there is a distinctly more reserved attitude than in other parts of the world.

One of the things that I did struggle with in my head was how I would feel when dating someone female. I've always said that I am now technically a lesbian, I don't have any attraction to men at all. But the problem is how I would feel about my gender and sexuality when all my previous memories would put me in a very 'male' role in a relationship with someone female. This doesn't seem to be what I feel now, if anything I feel more feminine, not less, and definitely see this as what it is, a lesbian relationship.

So my tour of the UK also included a trip from Edinburgh to York to see the new woman in my life for one brief evening before she had to go to work and I had to return home to sort out the piles of washing and mess in the flat that accumulated due to all the rushing around! The train journey from York back to Preston was quite long but very beautiful. The slightly less beautiful picture to the left is me looking tired and the one below was of one of the many pretty train stations on the way back.

Edinburgh

I had a nice day out in Edinburgh yesterday as I had to go up there for an interview. I've been to the city a few times before but too be honest I'd forgotten just how beautiful it was.

I guess, too be fair, I did catch it on a good day, the sun was shining, there was blue sky and I had a lovely journey up there. Add to that I think I did my best in the interview and felt relatively relaxed and calm about it all. Of course that is no indication of success but it's better to try your hardest and fail than feel you let yourself down.

There was plenty of time to wander around a little bit of Edinburgh before and after the interview, though I was constrained somewhat by the choice of interview footwear, smart heels are hardly conducive to extensive exploration over rough (cobbled) terrain so I think most of the serious admiring of architecture, scenery and life was done in a sedentary fashion.

[ I seem to have got lots of long and convoluted words into that sentence - I'm not sure how, they just came to me, maybe I was hit by some 'inspiration particles' - cf the Discworld books by Terry Pratchett ]

On interesting experience was going to get some food from M&S (I'm sorry, I'm a snob, I can't help it - it's just I always head for M&S because they have nice clean toilets, friendly staff and lovely food - at a reasonable price). I expected the usual selection of sandwiches in the café but the Edinburgh store is different; it serves hot food only and looks smilar to a McDonalds in some ways (though more up-market of course).

So in the end I had singapore noodles and they came in a little cardboard box similar to those I've seen used for Chinese fast food in the US. It was quite cute!

I also had such a lovely train ride back as well, talking non-stop between Edinburgh and Carlisle to a totally fascinating woman and her sister about all sorts of things like mountain biking, camping, Bavaria, furniture making, Canal St, and many other topics. There are some people you meet who are just so wonderfully nice and interesting that they can't help but brighten your day!

So, overall a very fun, interesting, hopefully productive, but definitely tiring day - went to bed early and had a really good long sleep last night!

This was the very first interview I've done as 'me' and while I am never going to be happy with how I look or sound I at least can try to gain a small amount of confidence from the experience since I went out and did it and tried the best that I could. I would say that, for any other trans people out there who are, understandably, scared of doing such a thing; if I can do it anyone can, just be yourself.

Which only leaves one final question: just what on earth is going on with my hair! Seriously it's a curly nightmare! I think I'm going to attack it with the straightners this weekend and see if I can get it to behave any better!