I've been thinking about attraction, particularly how this relates, or more than likely doesn't, to me. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of people who I know that have been actually attracted in any way shape or form and this isn't a very comforting thought. Recent events have made me ponder what it is that I'm doing wrong? There must be something either I'm missing or that I simply don't have!
My friends tell me I'm really nice and that I look good, I'd even concede that I'm reasonably stylish (or at least try to be) so I can't really see that I'm doing anything obviously wrong. But still, there must be something about me that, at best, says "friend", rather than "girlfriend". I just don't have it, whatever "it" is.
[ For reference, this is my profile on Gaydar Girls, I didn't think it looked *that* bad, and it is totally honest - maybe too honest? ]
I don't really want to whinge and complain, I'm lucky in lots of ways, and it seems a bit wrong to be whining about this, but, to be brutally honest, my self esteem has taken some rather vicious knocks recently so I desperately feel the need to vent a little. I won't go into the full gory details but here's the brief summary: was trying to 'date' someone, became apparent she was not attracted to me, obviously bit upset about that, never mind got a new friend at least, introduce to house-mate (also my ex*), flirting followed (right in front of me), arranging to meet but excluding me, and generally carrying on like they are dating.
* - and to add insult to injury, even though we'd split, and most definitely would not be getting back together, we still had a bit of a complicated "friends with benefits" relationship. Oh, and further salt rubbed into the wound by the fact that my ex stated that she "wasn't interested" in dating this person and that she "wouldn't want to do anything to hurt me" either. Okay, I know that you can't always control who you love/lust-after but in these kind of circumstances a degree of discretion is usual, the open flirting in front of me was probably a little unfair then!
I know going on about this isn't entirely attractive either but really and truly I do need to know what is wrong with me. If I'm destined to have this kind of crap happening to me all the time then I'd kind of like to know why and then at least there will be a reason and I won't have to feel as bad about myself as I do now.
Showing posts with label girlfriend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label girlfriend. Show all posts
Monday, 18 October 2010
Friday, 11 September 2009
Picture
There have been plenty of picture of Rachel and myself on FaceBook but since she obviously is on a very public website, Random Acts, as well as many others in relation to photography, and I have this blog, there seems to be no reason why I can't post a picture of both of us.
I don't think I look that good in this picture, Rachel does however. There are some very good pictures of other people taken on the same night (by Rachel) and I think we managed to get individual photos of each other that are pretty good - I do need to practice more with everything to do with the camera and low-light conditions in particular.
I don't think I look that good in this picture, Rachel does however. There are some very good pictures of other people taken on the same night (by Rachel) and I think we managed to get individual photos of each other that are pretty good - I do need to practice more with everything to do with the camera and low-light conditions in particular.
Thursday, 10 September 2009
Model Behaviour
Rachel does alot of photo shoots and this afternoon she had one in Manchester which obviously gave us a chance to meet up as well as for me to see her 'at work' and get a tiny glimpse into this whole area.
There are lots of websites where models, photographers, make-up artists, and all sorts of creative people can get in touch and arrange to work together. And that's how Rachel had found the model she was photographing today. I have to say as well as looking stunning she was also absolutely lovely and happily chatted to us both.
Rachel had picked out outfits (two fab dresses), did some tweaking of make-up, as well as obviously suggesting the locations (inside a bar on Canal Street as well as outside) and the poses. The girl she worked with really just seemed to do all of this so naturally and the resulting photos were amazing; clear, colourful, detailed, striking, and very real and just different in style to what I expected. I'll try and remember to add a link here once the pictures are processed and on Rachel's website.
After that we had a few brief hours to have some food, talk, and just enjoying being together. Obviously we've not been going out for long so lots to cover I guess and the time did seem to fly by and only too quickly was it time to go our seperate ways home, thought not before making plans to meet up again soon.
So an interesting, educational, and above all fun evening out.
There are lots of websites where models, photographers, make-up artists, and all sorts of creative people can get in touch and arrange to work together. And that's how Rachel had found the model she was photographing today. I have to say as well as looking stunning she was also absolutely lovely and happily chatted to us both.
Rachel had picked out outfits (two fab dresses), did some tweaking of make-up, as well as obviously suggesting the locations (inside a bar on Canal Street as well as outside) and the poses. The girl she worked with really just seemed to do all of this so naturally and the resulting photos were amazing; clear, colourful, detailed, striking, and very real and just different in style to what I expected. I'll try and remember to add a link here once the pictures are processed and on Rachel's website.
After that we had a few brief hours to have some food, talk, and just enjoying being together. Obviously we've not been going out for long so lots to cover I guess and the time did seem to fly by and only too quickly was it time to go our seperate ways home, thought not before making plans to meet up again soon.
So an interesting, educational, and above all fun evening out.
Tuesday, 8 September 2009
Note to self ...
... don't do interviews in London and Edinburgh back to back, it's insane and you just end up very tired and running on adrenaline! I have certainly covered some miles over the past few days and I'm looking forward to having maybe a day or so to relax!
Things have been kind of manic since the weekend in actual fact and I have crammed so much into this time that I really do need to catch my breath!
I guess the mania started on Friday when I spent about 5hrs chatting online to someone I'd met briefly at Manchester Pride. I asked her to come along to a birthday party I was going to in Manchester but since she lives in York it makes the logistics a little complicated and costly particularly coming so soon after Pride weekend - in fact I was considering not going for the same reasons. Anyway, we got on so well and had so much in common that it got to the point where 'no' was not an acceptable response, she HAD to come along.
So she did. And we did get on really well and just, as we both agreed, 'clicked'.
It's early days so I'm not going to go into vast amounts of detail about her and our relationship, I personally think intimate information is best kept private and not something I ever want to publish to the world at large (I've put more details on FaceBook for friends but even there a line must be drawn). I think some the recent experiences might be worth discussion though.
For example we walked into Manchester city centre to see a film (a suitably sedentary activity with which to sober up) and we were walking along holding hands. Strangely this didn't seem in any way odd or 'wrong' too me and I was really rather too hung-over and tried to notice peoples reactions. It did occur to me that it might generate some stares though. In Vancouver I saw many gay men and women holding hands and being affectionate in public but it's not something I've seen alot in the UK, even for straight couples I think there is a distinctly more reserved attitude than in other parts of the world.
One of the things that I did struggle with in my head was how I would feel when dating someone female. I've always said that I am now technically a lesbian, I don't have any attraction to men at all. But the problem is how I would feel about my gender and sexuality when all my previous memories would put me in a very 'male' role in a relationship with someone female. This doesn't seem to be what I feel now, if anything I feel more feminine, not less, and definitely see this as what it is, a lesbian relationship.
So my tour of the UK also included a trip from Edinburgh to York to see the new woman in my life for one brief evening before she had to go to work and I had to return home to sort out the piles of washing and mess in the flat that accumulated due to all the rushing around! The train journey from York back to Preston was quite long but very beautiful. The slightly less beautiful picture to the left is me looking tired and the one below was of one of the many pretty train stations on the way back.
Things have been kind of manic since the weekend in actual fact and I have crammed so much into this time that I really do need to catch my breath!
I guess the mania started on Friday when I spent about 5hrs chatting online to someone I'd met briefly at Manchester Pride. I asked her to come along to a birthday party I was going to in Manchester but since she lives in York it makes the logistics a little complicated and costly particularly coming so soon after Pride weekend - in fact I was considering not going for the same reasons. Anyway, we got on so well and had so much in common that it got to the point where 'no' was not an acceptable response, she HAD to come along.
So she did. And we did get on really well and just, as we both agreed, 'clicked'.
It's early days so I'm not going to go into vast amounts of detail about her and our relationship, I personally think intimate information is best kept private and not something I ever want to publish to the world at large (I've put more details on FaceBook for friends but even there a line must be drawn). I think some the recent experiences might be worth discussion though.
For example we walked into Manchester city centre to see a film (a suitably sedentary activity with which to sober up) and we were walking along holding hands. Strangely this didn't seem in any way odd or 'wrong' too me and I was really rather too hung-over and tried to notice peoples reactions. It did occur to me that it might generate some stares though. In Vancouver I saw many gay men and women holding hands and being affectionate in public but it's not something I've seen alot in the UK, even for straight couples I think there is a distinctly more reserved attitude than in other parts of the world.
One of the things that I did struggle with in my head was how I would feel when dating someone female. I've always said that I am now technically a lesbian, I don't have any attraction to men at all. But the problem is how I would feel about my gender and sexuality when all my previous memories would put me in a very 'male' role in a relationship with someone female. This doesn't seem to be what I feel now, if anything I feel more feminine, not less, and definitely see this as what it is, a lesbian relationship.
So my tour of the UK also included a trip from Edinburgh to York to see the new woman in my life for one brief evening before she had to go to work and I had to return home to sort out the piles of washing and mess in the flat that accumulated due to all the rushing around! The train journey from York back to Preston was quite long but very beautiful. The slightly less beautiful picture to the left is me looking tired and the one below was of one of the many pretty train stations on the way back.
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