Need to Cry

It would be wrong to say that being cheerful, happy, content, is something that requires effort, it doesn't really, given that I generally feel I am very lucky it only makes sense that I view life in a positive way. What does take at least a force of will is not to think about all the things that can upset me. The problem is that sooner or later they do build up and it all just gets a bit too much.

I've hopefully conveyed sufficient warning to anyone considering a similar path to me and what you should expect to lose. There's been mention of the regret about that loss and of the hurt that's caused on all sides (just a phrase, there really shouldn't be such a concept of a 'side' to be on as that only leads to trying to put things in boxes marked "right" or "wrong" and that doesn't help, things just are for such complicated reasons that labels don't apply). What I struggle to do is describe how much it really hurts and maybe why I *try* and be cheerful and happy.

There have been a few phone conversations this week that have been upsetting and brought me to tears, the one I will mention was with my Mum. Nothing really bad or upsetting was said it was just the tone of her voice, maybe the note of concern in it or that she sounds a little older and more strained talking to me, as if she is trying not be be upset.

I was thinking about it this morning on the bus in to work and I suspect that my move to York and the fact that I now live with my girlfriend in a relationship and situation that is likely so far from 'normal' for my parents, means that it just makes things even harder for my Dad to accept and for my Mum to deal with. Of course this must weigh doubly on my Mum as she is in the middle of this and tries to chat to me and keep in touch and at the same time filter everything to my Dad. This kind of 'lying' (even just by omission) must really be taking a toll on her.

I wanted to write a letter to them this morning to try and explain what and why my life has taken the route that it has. To plead with them to at least *try* and move towards making more contact and ultimately actually meeting. It's just feeling like we're slipping further and further apart and this is making the strain and hurt even worse.

I've also been feeling a little lacking in confidence this week as well, in terms of everything about my appearance and self; imagine a bad hair day that affects your whole body (no, I don't mean like cousin Itt from the Addams Family). Being critical of my appearance is almost a habit now but it takes on a more upsetting tone when I really start to doubt myself and my eyes are drawn to everything that is 'wrong', it makes me doubt everything about the 'choice' I have made.

So I found myself this morning looking intently in the mirror and contemplating what it would be like to go back to how I was many years ago. The sad thing is that I can still see traces (understatement) in my face and that is upsetting, what is slightly comforting is that I don't think I could bear it to, for example, cut my hair short, it really do want to be like this. There is alot that is "wrong" about me but at least I really am more comfortable like this. That is something that is difficult to explain and I'm not entirely sure I fully understand it myself.

With all of this going on and other chores and minor bits of life piling up on-top of me it is only a matter of time before I crack completely and just break down and cry. For convenience sake I hope to pre-empt this just happening at a rather embarassing point in the day and, instead, watch some chick flicks or listen to emotion-ladden music tonight and get this all out of the way.