I will start by saying a GINORMOUS THANK YOU to Lucy, Heidi, and their families and friends for their kindness, support, and generosity in sharing their Christmas with me and for helping me deal with the recent upheaval in my life. I really am never going to have the words to say how much this means to me and the help that it has been in getting me through this (or at least to start that process).
I did have a very good Christmas considering the circumstances and spending time with the Brummies has been VERY entertaining (c.f. the previous post showing Heidi in her new) and really did take my mind of things (there were times when my mind was completely distracted but the comments/stories that caused that are definitely not suitable for the blog! lol).
All my friends have also been fantastic, I have been inundated with texts and calls and offers of help and support and, again, I just can't find the words to express how grateful I am.
I'm currently being a little indulgent and staying near Manchester so that I can do more shopping at the Trafford Centre again, only managed a brief (no pun intented) foray into M&S lingerie sale today so want to hit other shops tomorrow and take in more of the atmosphere around the place (which was rather cramped and intense today with the place being absolutely packed to the rafters).
What happens after that? Well, I guess we have to be practical and just get on with things as best we can. Given that we are still in the same house that of course could be challenging for both of us. I think the one thing that really comes out of this is that things do happen, feelings can change, but that doesn't mean there is a right and wrong or any sides involved. It really is just that there are differences or opinion, feeling, and behaviour.
It is going to be hard for both of us, and I am truly sorry for that.
Showing posts with label help. Show all posts
Showing posts with label help. Show all posts
Sunday, 27 December 2009
Monday, 6 July 2009
One of those "awkward" moments
I have been quite lucky regarding my ID, credit cards, and similar official or financial items, in the past I had a credit card in my 'new' name and didn't have to reveal anything else. Now almost everything is changed over, certainly covered all the really important documents (passport, drivers license, bank accounts) and anything else I'm either going to be getting rid of (old credit cards, previous utilities providers, etc).
There is one thing that I didn't get round to changing and that was my Costco card because I thought, first of all that people might just assume that it's 'me' dressed up and not ask, or alternatively that it was someone else's card and that would be fine, e.g. I was doing the shopping for that person.
Never had any problems until Sunday:
Assistant: "Is <insert my old name> with you?"
Me: "Erm, no"
Assistant: "I'm afraid you can't shop without the named card-holder"
Me: "Oh"
Me (leaning in conspiratorially): "Erm, well, actually it is me, erm ... I just haven't got round to changing the card yet, erm"
Assistant (being very nice and understanding: "Oh, don't worry, say no more, completely understand"
There then followed lots of hasty comments, hand-waving and general bustling of all concerned to mask the rather embarassing situation (sure I was glowing red at that point) as people do when they want to quickly move on and not make others feel bad. Another assistant was equally sweet and took my card and said she'd get it changed there and then. Only took a few minutes and now have a new card (yes, not much to see but the picture wasn't too bad!)
It's really nice when people are understanding and helpful like this, it really can leave you happy for days afterwards and make you pass on the same kindness and consideration to others. It's equally nice when someone is at least a little suspicious that the person in the old photo just simply isn't the one stood in front of them.
P.S. I just remembered another fairly recent occasion when I was overcome by how generous and thoughtful people can be. I was queuing for a space in a local car park and too be honest was resigned to the fact that I might have to wait or go elsewhere when an oldish gentleman waved at me through the window and, having opened it to see what he wanted, offered me his space and a parking ticket with 3hrs remaining on it!
I was very grateful, he didn't have to tell me he was going, nor give the ticket to me, he could have passed it to someone on the way out and still left with a clear conscience, but instead he was simply being thoughtful and considerate. I was sure to pass the ticket on to someone when I left as well (only seemed right) and it still had 2hrs left on it. One persons kindness at least doubled that day.
There is one thing that I didn't get round to changing and that was my Costco card because I thought, first of all that people might just assume that it's 'me' dressed up and not ask, or alternatively that it was someone else's card and that would be fine, e.g. I was doing the shopping for that person.
Never had any problems until Sunday:
Assistant: "Is <insert my old name>
Assistant: "I'm afraid you can't shop without the named card-holder"
Me: "Oh"
Me (leaning in conspiratorially): "Erm, well, actually it is me, erm ... I just haven't got round to changing the card yet, erm"
It's really nice when people are understanding and helpful like this, it really can leave you happy for days afterwards and make you pass on the same kindness and consideration to others. It's equally nice when someone is at least a little suspicious that the person in the old photo just simply isn't the one stood in front of them.
P.S. I just remembered another fairly recent occasion when I was overcome by how generous and thoughtful people can be. I was queuing for a space in a local car park and too be honest was resigned to the fact that I might have to wait or go elsewhere when an oldish gentleman waved at me through the window and, having opened it to see what he wanted, offered me his space and a parking ticket with 3hrs remaining on it!
I was very grateful, he didn't have to tell me he was going, nor give the ticket to me, he could have passed it to someone on the way out and still left with a clear conscience, but instead he was simply being thoughtful and considerate. I was sure to pass the ticket on to someone when I left as well (only seemed right) and it still had 2hrs left on it. One persons kindness at least doubled that day.
Thursday, 11 June 2009
Sometimes, you just need your Mum
I've had one of those weeks where everything has just been so overwhelming and confusing and upsetting that I reached a point where I just felt completely out of it and totally unsure and scared and confused (yes, I know I've already used "confusing" in this sentence).
I had a long soak in the bath, ate a Fry's Chocolate Cream bar, and watched the film, Almost Famous, while switching off almost completely and just not thinking. At the end of the film, when I got out of the bath I just wanted a hug. I wanted to be back with my family in my own home and be able to have the person I married give me a hug, or my son distract me, or just have familiar surroundings.
The phone had gone and I guessed it would have been my Mum who called and I suddenly just wanted to talk to her and tell her all the things that had happened this week, just to get it out of my head and have someone listen. My Mum is a good listener, she always has been. I must make a point of telling her that one day.
So that's what I did, I told my Mum everything (which I've always done really) and the fact that she listened and the advice that she gave made me feel better.
Thanks Mum x
I had a long soak in the bath, ate a Fry's Chocolate Cream bar, and watched the film, Almost Famous, while switching off almost completely and just not thinking. At the end of the film, when I got out of the bath I just wanted a hug. I wanted to be back with my family in my own home and be able to have the person I married give me a hug, or my son distract me, or just have familiar surroundings.
The phone had gone and I guessed it would have been my Mum who called and I suddenly just wanted to talk to her and tell her all the things that had happened this week, just to get it out of my head and have someone listen. My Mum is a good listener, she always has been. I must make a point of telling her that one day.
So that's what I did, I told my Mum everything (which I've always done really) and the fact that she listened and the advice that she gave made me feel better.
Thanks Mum x
Friday, 13 March 2009
Sometimes you just want to cry ...
... because of someone doing or saying something that may be small but means so much!
I guess this is an example of me being a little over-emotional due to the hormones. I should mention as an aside that anyone contemplating transition really, really, should be prepared for a bumpy ride. I know when I started out I thought it would just be "me" but looking a bit different. It's not that simple, there are lots of ups and downs and it really does change who you are and it's quite scary.
Anyway, I won't go into the details of today but it was just so nice when someone helped me out and was just so genuinely nice about it. I'm not really expressing this properly as I'm tired and not that eloquent at the moment.
Just wanted to say "thanks" I guess but the person concerned probably doesn't even read this! (I did say thanks at the time but I don't think it conveyed what I really felt).
Rambling now, time for tea and then bed!
I guess this is an example of me being a little over-emotional due to the hormones. I should mention as an aside that anyone contemplating transition really, really, should be prepared for a bumpy ride. I know when I started out I thought it would just be "me" but looking a bit different. It's not that simple, there are lots of ups and downs and it really does change who you are and it's quite scary.
Anyway, I won't go into the details of today but it was just so nice when someone helped me out and was just so genuinely nice about it. I'm not really expressing this properly as I'm tired and not that eloquent at the moment.
Just wanted to say "thanks" I guess but the person concerned probably doesn't even read this! (I did say thanks at the time but I don't think it conveyed what I really felt).
Rambling now, time for tea and then bed!
Sunday, 11 May 2008
Bit disappointed in myself
On the positive side I did manage to cycle over 20miles today which has hopefully helped with my fitness, weight loss, and general well-being (not least of which as I seemed to have skipped lunch so that'll mean the ice cream I have tonight won't be such a big deal).
When I got back I tried to sort myself out and made an attempt to look good - I was really struggling to find anything summery to wear, particularly shoes - I haven't many that are suitable and the few (literally one or two) that could be considered to fit the bill aren't comfy. The weather then intervened and we've had thunder and lightening so foot-wear is no longer a problem; boots will do :D
I really can't get my make-up right but the main bit that's wrong is where I have to use concealer to cover the dark shading on my chin and the mess I've made of my upper lip trying to almost shave the hairs out of existence. I just know it looks horrible and I feel terribly self-concious about it. Oh, and I stupidly tried to put on liquid eye-liner; I have made this work before but frankly it was a dumb thing to try when I'm not feeling confident, and the results predictably needed to be removed.
So I spent ages getting sorted and then thought I should go out and at least try and have my first real out and about experience in the UK. I only had 30mins to get over to the shops (I wanted to go into Boots or M&S - places where there are things I can look at without feeling everyone is looking at me). Sadly I didn't get there in time, everything was starting to close and I basically chickened out.
I suppose at least I did walk out of the flat, and to/from the car and drove around but it still feels disappointing and I really need to make more of an effort to over-come things that are holding me back. I think I will look into the laser hair removal clinic in Manchester, they provide free consultations and appear to be open on Saturdays. If I can zap all the hair on my face then I'll hopefully not have to worry about caking on the concealer etc and can concentrate on make-up to accentuate things such as my eyes which even I'll admit to liking when suitably adorned with liner and mascara.
So a long way to go I think, what I need right now is lots of compliments and attention - male or female, I'm not choosy at the moment, just people to say nice things about how I look! And I'd like to start stomping on all the male behaviour and things I much prefer feeling female so I need to make more of an effort to achieve that.
Update: Here's a scarey close-up:
When I got back I tried to sort myself out and made an attempt to look good - I was really struggling to find anything summery to wear, particularly shoes - I haven't many that are suitable and the few (literally one or two) that could be considered to fit the bill aren't comfy. The weather then intervened and we've had thunder and lightening so foot-wear is no longer a problem; boots will do :D
I really can't get my make-up right but the main bit that's wrong is where I have to use concealer to cover the dark shading on my chin and the mess I've made of my upper lip trying to almost shave the hairs out of existence. I just know it looks horrible and I feel terribly self-concious about it. Oh, and I stupidly tried to put on liquid eye-liner; I have made this work before but frankly it was a dumb thing to try when I'm not feeling confident, and the results predictably needed to be removed.
So I spent ages getting sorted and then thought I should go out and at least try and have my first real out and about experience in the UK. I only had 30mins to get over to the shops (I wanted to go into Boots or M&S - places where there are things I can look at without feeling everyone is looking at me). Sadly I didn't get there in time, everything was starting to close and I basically chickened out.
I suppose at least I did walk out of the flat, and to/from the car and drove around but it still feels disappointing and I really need to make more of an effort to over-come things that are holding me back. I think I will look into the laser hair removal clinic in Manchester, they provide free consultations and appear to be open on Saturdays. If I can zap all the hair on my face then I'll hopefully not have to worry about caking on the concealer etc and can concentrate on make-up to accentuate things such as my eyes which even I'll admit to liking when suitably adorned with liner and mascara.
So a long way to go I think, what I need right now is lots of compliments and attention - male or female, I'm not choosy at the moment, just people to say nice things about how I look! And I'd like to start stomping on all the male behaviour and things I much prefer feeling female so I need to make more of an effort to achieve that.
Update: Here's a scarey close-up:
Tuesday, 15 April 2008
Monday, 11 February 2008
Really MUST get an early night
Ended up staying awake 'till late again last night.
Feeling very tired and lethargic now. Really, really need to get an early night and a good nights sleep tonight. Planning on leaving work at a reasonable hour so I can get my chores done (ironing and such), have some food and get an early night.
Hopefully then everything will seem brighter and clearer in the morning.
Feeling very tired and lethargic now. Really, really need to get an early night and a good nights sleep tonight. Planning on leaving work at a reasonable hour so I can get my chores done (ironing and such), have some food and get an early night.
Hopefully then everything will seem brighter and clearer in the morning.
Chickened out
Just to add to my confusion and general blue feelings at the moment, I totally chickened out about going out and about in Vancouver this afternoon. I got myself all dressed up (eventually) and even managed to get enough nerve to go down and collect my washing from the hotel laundry (but I did get spooked when someone followed me in and I just quickly threw everything into a bag and get out quick).
But I couldn't get up the nerve to go out, I just lost my confidence completely. In a mad moment I did wonder if it would be a good idea to go down Davie Street and see if I could meet some nice people to have a drink with but I'm just to shy and scared to go out alone like that.
So, I'm annoyed and disappointed with myself and I need to get my head straight and see if I can figure out how to get some confidence back, enough to ask some of my friends in the UK to help me get out and about!
Arrrghh! Annoyed and .... oh just ... f***, f***, f***ety, f***!
Time for bed I think!
But I couldn't get up the nerve to go out, I just lost my confidence completely. In a mad moment I did wonder if it would be a good idea to go down Davie Street and see if I could meet some nice people to have a drink with but I'm just to shy and scared to go out alone like that.
So, I'm annoyed and disappointed with myself and I need to get my head straight and see if I can figure out how to get some confidence back, enough to ask some of my friends in the UK to help me get out and about!
Arrrghh! Annoyed and .... oh just ... f***, f***, f***ety, f***!
Time for bed I think!
Jealous, unhappy, tired, confused
Where do I start?
Well I think the late nights have finally caught up with me. I need to have a good routine and I need to have things to keep my mind occupied so that it doesn't go wandering off and start worrying about everything under the sun. So if I don't get the right amount of sleep, irregular meals and not enough things to keep me busy I start to get, for want of a better word, confused.
Add to that the general confusion that I'm feeling because I'm away from home and can think freely about the girlie stuff. Almost as soon as I got here I was thinking about what I should do in my life and seriously considering heading further down the TG path. Actually "thinking" may be too strong as it implies planning, maybe "wishing hard" might be more accurate.
So what about the unhappy bit? Well, I'm getting much more critical about myself, for example, a friend of mine mentioned that my skin wasn't ideal, this is true, but it's bothering me more and more that I can't look how I want to look.
Jealous - well that's obvious, I see other TG people who are so much better looking and confident than me, and I see GG (Genetic Girls) who I just wish I could be like - I just want that to be me!
The thing is, when I'm at home or when I'm busy in the middle of interested and distracting work I don't think these things as much, I'm more content, but I still wonder whether I really should start seriously looking at moving forward before it's too late and I end up regretting not doing something, anything to sort myself out.
Lots of thinking needed.
Well I think the late nights have finally caught up with me. I need to have a good routine and I need to have things to keep my mind occupied so that it doesn't go wandering off and start worrying about everything under the sun. So if I don't get the right amount of sleep, irregular meals and not enough things to keep me busy I start to get, for want of a better word, confused.
Add to that the general confusion that I'm feeling because I'm away from home and can think freely about the girlie stuff. Almost as soon as I got here I was thinking about what I should do in my life and seriously considering heading further down the TG path. Actually "thinking" may be too strong as it implies planning, maybe "wishing hard" might be more accurate.
So what about the unhappy bit? Well, I'm getting much more critical about myself, for example, a friend of mine mentioned that my skin wasn't ideal, this is true, but it's bothering me more and more that I can't look how I want to look.
Jealous - well that's obvious, I see other TG people who are so much better looking and confident than me, and I see GG (Genetic Girls) who I just wish I could be like - I just want that to be me!
The thing is, when I'm at home or when I'm busy in the middle of interested and distracting work I don't think these things as much, I'm more content, but I still wonder whether I really should start seriously looking at moving forward before it's too late and I end up regretting not doing something, anything to sort myself out.
Lots of thinking needed.
Thursday, 7 February 2008
00:39
I can't actually post anything at the moment as the hotel network seems to be down :(
However, I've been out for some food with friends and I've managed to consume a fair few glasses of red wine so I'm nicely drunk and tired at the moment so I thought I'd take the opportunity to type out a few thoughts that I hope I'll have the courage to post about in the morning.
First off; I really don't like how I look any more. Not that I ever really bothered about what I look like in non-me mode but I was never distressed about it. Now I kind of get disappointed/annoyed that the face looking back at me from the mirror isn't more girlie. Or I catch sight of all of me when I get out of the shower (are mirrors cheaper in hotel bathrooms or something? There is usually a whole wall covered in mirrored glass!) and I'm not really impressed with what I see and would certainly like the idea if sorting a few things out given half a chance and a suitable surgeon!
I'm more and more getting close to the point of wanted to just come completely out of the closet - it feels like there is a real me that is holding back and just wants to burst out and say "THIS IS ME!". Even tonight, with something simple as briefly wondering what shoes to wear (the only 'other' me choice being trainers) I really just wanted to put on some boots instead.
I guess I'm also frustrated with myself generally; I hold myself back, I'm scared, I feel insecure and really I should just get out there but I don't!
Right, I really must go to bed now as I'm falling asleep at the keyboard here.
I think I'll try and post this tomorrow and then make a start on a little background about me so anyone that cares to know will have some sort of explanation for my current life.
Hugs
Fiona xxx
Update: Managed to post this eventually after dragging myself out of bed and into work for 8:30 - not bad considering the quantity of (rather nice) red wine and (rather hot) curry consumed last night!
However, I've been out for some food with friends and I've managed to consume a fair few glasses of red wine so I'm nicely drunk and tired at the moment so I thought I'd take the opportunity to type out a few thoughts that I hope I'll have the courage to post about in the morning.
First off; I really don't like how I look any more. Not that I ever really bothered about what I look like in non-me mode but I was never distressed about it. Now I kind of get disappointed/annoyed that the face looking back at me from the mirror isn't more girlie. Or I catch sight of all of me when I get out of the shower (are mirrors cheaper in hotel bathrooms or something? There is usually a whole wall covered in mirrored glass!) and I'm not really impressed with what I see and would certainly like the idea if sorting a few things out given half a chance and a suitable surgeon!
I'm more and more getting close to the point of wanted to just come completely out of the closet - it feels like there is a real me that is holding back and just wants to burst out and say "THIS IS ME!". Even tonight, with something simple as briefly wondering what shoes to wear (the only 'other' me choice being trainers) I really just wanted to put on some boots instead.
I guess I'm also frustrated with myself generally; I hold myself back, I'm scared, I feel insecure and really I should just get out there but I don't!
Right, I really must go to bed now as I'm falling asleep at the keyboard here.
I think I'll try and post this tomorrow and then make a start on a little background about me so anyone that cares to know will have some sort of explanation for my current life.
Hugs
Fiona xxx
Update: Managed to post this eventually after dragging myself out of bed and into work for 8:30 - not bad considering the quantity of (rather nice) red wine and (rather hot) curry consumed last night!
Monday, 4 February 2008
Hope it's just the tiredness
I'm confused.
I should be elated as I got a chance to do my make-up and hair, put on some lovely perfume, try on some clothes, and generally have a nice girly time. I even managed to get some liquid eye-liner on (if you've never tried doing this, trust me, it's not as easy as it looks unless the *want* it all over your eye-lids) and even managed to get some green eye-shadow that I think looks pretty good.
Still not happy though.
I keep finding things that aren't right, my weight, my figure (or lack of), the fact that it takes so much effort to look even half decent and I only get to do that every so often and I don't want it to stop ... but then again I don't think I'm getting it right enough to bother carrying on.
What I want is some miracle pill that will help me look and feel like the me I want to be, which isn't the me I have to be alot of the time.
Of course, all of the above could just be the fact that I'm tired and did more than the usual amount of exercise today (looooonnnnnggg right cycle ride) so that's making me feel low. I hope so anyway.
I should be elated as I got a chance to do my make-up and hair, put on some lovely perfume, try on some clothes, and generally have a nice girly time. I even managed to get some liquid eye-liner on (if you've never tried doing this, trust me, it's not as easy as it looks unless the *want* it all over your eye-lids) and even managed to get some green eye-shadow that I think looks pretty good.
Still not happy though.
I keep finding things that aren't right, my weight, my figure (or lack of), the fact that it takes so much effort to look even half decent and I only get to do that every so often and I don't want it to stop ... but then again I don't think I'm getting it right enough to bother carrying on.
What I want is some miracle pill that will help me look and feel like the me I want to be, which isn't the me I have to be alot of the time.
Of course, all of the above could just be the fact that I'm tired and did more than the usual amount of exercise today (looooonnnnnggg right cycle ride) so that's making me feel low. I hope so anyway.
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