Running before you can walk

I've thought a few times that I've kind of done things in a rather odd way regarding my transition and this may have made things easier or harder for me and everyone else. In some ways it makes me feel worse and in others better.

The facts are that I don't look passable, not by a long, long way. Nor do I look particularly 'nice' or pretty or any adjective that you would care to choose. Also there are alot of things I hate about my body that are a dead give-away if you looked at them alone (excepting the obvious bits here), for example my hands, arms, legs, face, etc - you get the idea.

I best I look like an odd guy with long hair and too much make-up on. I know friends will argue against this quite strenuously and sometimes I do believe what they say (I think because there is that part inside me that wants to believe it, is secretly thrilled to see even the tiniest bit right, and ultimately drives the self-delusion that I can look right), but really, you can't argue with the facts: this is not the body of a woman (yet - I thought I would inject at least some optimism).

I think alot of transexuals would have, quite sensibly, maintained a dual-life during this period until they got on hormones and felt more confident about how they looked. I didn't for various reasons, the main one being that it wasn't too difficult to go this route - I work in a very understanding and accepting environment.

That does leave me with the difficulty of being fulltime and increasingly being unhappy with how I look/sound etc but not really wanting to go backwards as that would feel like failure and almost a reason for me not being destined for this life.

I know others that have done this already and reached a turning point as important as this have got really emotional and depressed and generally gone through hell. It bothers me quite alot that I'm not reacting like that at all. I am definitely nervous and, as I said last night, everything is going round in my head but I'm not acting too extreme by any standard.

I guess, in defence of this, I have NEVER been an extreme person, I've always tried to appear happy and cheery to everyone and essentially do hide a little behind that image. But even though that may be a public mask, how I am inside isn't *that* far from the facade - it really does take alot to get me upset and with most things in life I've just kind of accepted them and got on with it (count your blessings and all that).

I think Friday is going to be done in somewhat of a blur and it's only going to hit me afterwards. I'm not really afraid of that day, though I am very concerned that I either will have failed to 'qualify' for treatment or that, several years down the line it won't have had the desired affect.

I'm also not sure how strong I really am to deal with everything that this could involve - I have in some ways not been running at all, I've been taking the easy walk doing all the things that really don't make an awful lot of difference to who I am, what is it going to be like when I have to face up to the really difficult and unpleasant stuff?

All over the place

Since the weekend my emotions and thoughts have been running at a ridiculous rate. I've had feelings that remind me of when I started this journey (I really need to find some better metaphors), when I was part of a real family, also when I was convinced that I did look quite good (they don't last long).

I can't slow down my thoughts; I can go from totally lacking in confidence to almost feeling arrogant and self-assured. The slightest thing can make me feel good or feel bad. All the while I'm kind of watching this inner turmoil and just trying to stop myself from getting carried away. I'm almost trying to think so much so that I don't think at all.

I read the comment to my previous post and was very moved by what Alex said about her experience, so much so that I started to get tears in my eyes but then my brain just whizzed onto something else; I'm trying to fill my head with so much to avoid facing reality I guess.

I don't feel depressed or anything like that, just kind of manic I guess and I know I will not be happy about that at some point soon. I also know that I'm going to seem very insensitive and selfish and totally self-absorbed and I'm sorry to everyone because of that.

Friday could be one gigantic anti-climax, or it may even be a complete and total disaster - I might not be doing the right thing; over the past few days I have certainly thought that. Maybe I am going to end up really becoming a woman - when I say it like that it seems unbelievable ... when I caught my reflection in the window at work this evening I realised how far I had come and how much I had changed already.

I suspect this and subsequent blog posts aren't going to be particularly coherent and interesting and will essentially be me just rambling randomly, sorry about that also! Please bear with me, normal, and possibly ever so slightly different and new, service will be resumed shortly.

[ Yep, pretty much self-indulgent gibberish all this is as well ... even mentioning that is probably just making it worse! ]

Last days of battle or just the beginning of the war?

Everything is wrong. I don't look, sound, act, or feel right. I guess this was to be expected I'm now approaching what is probably going to be one of the most 'real' experiences in my life and even my usually good level of denial simply can't cope with that. I am seeing everything in sharp, frightening, clarity and it's not pretty at all.

The fact is that the minor achievements pale into insignificance next to the overwhelming truth; I am not female (yet) in body or mind (well that bit may be closer but there's still an awful lot of junk in the way). I really do look horrible and this is not just an expression of self-doubt it's a simple fact. To even venture out means that I have to expend a great deal of effort to even start to hide some of the more obvious signs and to adorn myself with things that make me feel a little closer to what I want to be; make-up jewelery, and obviously clothes.

But it is a constant fight and one that doesn't seem to ever get completely won, the best I can hope for is a truce most days. I desperately need to have my next session of laser treatment (and probably lots more next year - no idea how I'm going to afford them) as that part of my appearance is upsetting me at the moment as my current body makes a desperate (and hopefully) futile attempt to re-assert itself.

I'm happiest when I'm not thinking and I managed that, briefly, while watching Mamma Mia on DVD last night. Of course I can't STOP thinking completely so I was trying to figure out which characters I identified with, or was attracted to, or would like to be. Can't say I came to a complete conclusion though the fact that I was crying at bits, jigging around on the sofa and singing like a lunatic is probably a pretty firm indication that I'm quite well away from 'male' in my reaction to the film!

I think the hardest thing is that, as I said above, I don't have the body or appropriate chemicals in my bloodstream to really help me feel the way I want to without as much doubt. I've always thought (and I think I have mentioned this before) that someones personality is not just down to their brain/mind/whatever but is a result of all of them. I guess for a trans person this means that, initially there is something of a fight going on (I appologise now for this blog post and the ones to come where I am probably going to be stating the blindingly obvious quite alot).

So where does that leave me? Well I have 7 days to go until my appointment so plenty of time to get myself even more confused. Will it make me doubt what I'm going to do? Almost certainly! Will it stop me? No. Will I stop asking rhetorical questions? Wow, I think I actually spelt "rhetorical" right!

I don't know how I'm going to turn out and what the future holds but I guess I'm just going to have to deal with it. I guess now would be the time when I could do with having someone special to share my life with, as Lucy noted, this time of year is best shared and that goes double when your Christmas 'present' is somewhat unconventional and life changing. But I have some amazing friends who have been and continue to be so supportive, with their help I have the best chance possible of getting through this.

[ I really would feel better to be able to indulge in a bit of self-pity and have a bit of a cry ... however I'm just so insanely naive and stupid that I often fail to see the full gravity of the situation and generally revert to being ridiculously cheerful or silly - I'm sure it's just a coping mechanism but it can be rather annoying! ]