New Jewellery for the New Year

Continuing the blue topaz and diamond and with a ring in the same gems arriving in the next few weeks I feel like I have something precious to wear.

It probably isn't important in the grand scheme me things but it does matter to me aswell as having some meaning in the choice of gems.

I start the New Year with something even more precious and that is a fabulous and amazing son and the most wonderful and supportive friends. Happy New Year to you all xxx

Premier Inn

Thought it might be worth a mini review given that I just had a quick stop-over in the Trafford Centre West Premier Inn and thought it was actually pretty nice. I should say that I've also stayed at a nice Ibis hotel recently, the Docklands Ibis, which I would also highly recommend!

Anyway, the Trafford Centre West (there are two others in the vicinity as well) Premier Inn is basically a budget hotel but does look quite impressive from the outside and I actually didn't realise what brand it was until I looked more closely at the weekend (now I write this I wonder if it didn't use to be a Thistle hotel or something like that). Since it's not been around *that* many years it is very new, clean, tidy, and all the decore is pretty much modern and up-to-date albeit rather character-less I guess (not that that bothers me per se).

The room (double) was surprisingly big and the bed seemed huge, comfy and most importantly rather high! Plenty of plugs, deskspace and other bits and pieces around the room, though don't remember seeing a wardrobe now I come to think about it. The TV has Freeview! Now why can't all hotels do that? Just makes so much more sense!

Overall I was VERY impressed, the only slight criticism I have is that the water pressure and temperature in the, very spacious shower, is quite low which slowed down the rather long process of washing my hair. I did even tut a little at the "Danger Hot Water" sticker next to the shower as I had it turned up full!

Given that this hotel is, quite literally, within staggering distance of the Trafford Centre I think it's a really excellent place to stay if you fancy a weekend away shopping :)

Better Christmas

I will start by saying a GINORMOUS THANK YOU to Lucy, Heidi, and their families and friends for their kindness, support, and generosity in sharing their Christmas with me and for helping me deal with the recent upheaval in my life. I really am never going to have the words to say how much this means to me and the help that it has been in getting me through this (or at least to start that process).

I did have a very good Christmas considering the circumstances and spending time with the Brummies has been VERY entertaining (c.f. the previous post showing Heidi in her new) and really did take my mind of things (there were times when my mind was completely distracted but the comments/stories that caused that are definitely not suitable for the blog! lol).

All my friends have also been fantastic, I have been inundated with texts and calls and offers of help and support and, again, I just can't find the words to express how grateful I am.

I'm currently being a little indulgent and staying near Manchester so that I can do more shopping at the Trafford Centre again, only managed a brief (no pun intented) foray into M&S lingerie sale today so want to hit other shops tomorrow and take in more of the atmosphere around the place (which was rather cramped and intense today with the place being absolutely packed to the rafters).

What happens after that? Well, I guess we have to be practical and just get on with things as best we can. Given that we are still in the same house that of course could be challenging for both of us. I think the one thing that really comes out of this is that things do happen, feelings can change, but that doesn't mean there is a right and wrong or any sides involved. It really is just that there are differences or opinion, feeling, and behaviour.

It is going to be hard for both of us, and I am truly sorry for that.

Fab jumper!

This is Heidi looking very festive! Just had to share this with everyone :-) Merry Christmas!

Not a happy Christmas

I'm not sure what to say and I am just too upset for words really and on the edge of crying constantly but I guess if I at least try and write down what has happened it will explain, maybe make things worse, maybe make me feel bad as I think of the consequences. Sometimes things just hurt those involved so badly but there isn't anything you can do, it is just that way, no matter how much you wish it wasn't.

I have split up with Rachel.

The timing couldn't have been worse. As I write this I can see the mess I have made of Christmas and New Year for both of us. This season is just wrecked, completely and totally. It's a hideous, horrible, time now, all plans are out of the window, everything we might have done to have fun will not happen - the people we were going to see, the things we were going to do.

All ruined because of me, I was the one who ended the relationship.

I really don't have words to describe how I feel, sad, lonely, alone, isolated probably don't even come close. Confused as well, not sure what to do, and where to turn.

The finality and impact of the decision really hit home when I saw how fast the news appeared on the various social networking sites ... not only have we split up we have now had that made 'official' by Tweets, change in FaceBook status, and now this blog entry.

I really don't know what else to say. I need to try and get some sleep I guess before I can face the reality of this tomorrow. I'm not sure I want to face it, not sure I can deal with this Christmas anymore.

Christmas Party

It was the works Christmas party last night, held in the York Railway Museum! It was fantastic, really amazing setting, great food, drink (though didn't have much of this as I was driving), good fun and most importantly wonderful people. As I said to Rachel last night, this is the best place I have ever worked, I love it!

Rachel an I took quite a few pictures, I'm being shamelessly vain in just showing (mainly) the ones of her and me (mainly me) here on my website. Rachel did get some pictures of other people which look fab but I'll leave them in her more capable hands for processing.

We had a fantastic time, sadly all too brief as we needed to get home and to bed, which first required us to walk through the freezing night to the snow covered car and then for me to negotiate roads already starting to slush/ice/freeze over. This morning arrived rather too quickly (must catch up sleep over the weekend) but with fantastic wintery scenes for a trip to work.

Snow!

Lots and lots and lots ... And plenty traffic and queues to get stuck in. Least York looks so nice and seasonal :-D

Christmas Tree

Finally got the tree and decorations up. Not gone too over the top, though got lots of shiney lights (LEDs)! Feeling more festive now :-D

Silver (black actually) lining

My posts have been a bit doom-and-gloom of late so I thought I'd try and even things up a bit with a little positive news.

Wandering around Canary Wharf on Sunday and we came to the shops under 1 Canada Square and happened to look in the Window of Hobbs, there I saw the most fabulous black, velvet, full-length coat (ably modeled by the headless plastic mannequin to the left).

Didn't think it would fit, it did (beautifully), didn't think I could afford it, I can't ... but got it anyway!

Not wearing it until the Christmas party and treating it with a certain degree of reverence because it was expensive, and I do think it is something special and I want to be VERY careful about looking after it properly so I can have the same fabulous and perfect feeling I had, when I tried it on in the shop, time and time again. I'll try and get some pictures of myself modeling the coat a the rest of my Christmas outfit after the party tomorrow.

The Marrog

I was thinking about a few things this morning and a line or two from a poem I remembered from childhood came to mind. The particular line was "and nobody, nobody knows" which is really where my thoughts had led me after a conversation with my Mum where it was stated that not a single person in my extended family knows about my transition.

Before I explain about the situation and eleborate on reality, here is the poem that I was thinking off, found after much searching of the internet and copied from here and available in The Random House Book of Poetry for Children:

My desk's at the back of the class
And nobody, nobody knows
I'm a Marrog from Mars
With a body of brass
And seventeen fingers and toes.

Wouldn't they shriek if they knew
I've three eyes at the back of my head
And my hair is bright purple
My nose is deep blue
And my teeth are half-yellow, half-red?

My five arms are silver and spiked
With knives on them sharper than spears.
I could go back right now, if I liked-
And return in a million light years.
I could gobble them all

For I am seven foot tall
And I'm breathing green flames from my ears.
Wouldn't they yell if they knew,
If they guessed a Marrog was here?
Ha ha they haven't a clue-
Or wouldn't they tremble with fear!

'Look, look, A Marrog'
They'd all scream - and SMACK
The blackboard would fall and the ceiling would crack
And the teacher would faint, I suppose.
But I grin to myself, sitting right at the back
And nobody, nobody knows

I think it sums up my feelings pretty accurately and I wonder if looking like the Marrog I'd actually be happier with my appearance! But the main thing is the line "And nobody, nobody knows"; the only family that do are my parents and my sister and of those only my Mum talks to me and tacitly acknowledges my transition.

I got a Christmas present from my sister yesterday, which was nice, addressed using my 'old' name, which wasn't so nice. It almost made me feel like the last couple of years haven't happened, as if they can somehow not have my transition be a reality by using my old name. My sister has seen me as me and should be well aware of my name change - if I hadn't told her directly my Mum certainly does know and would have passed that information on.

I can't see my last remaining grandparent, in fact haven't for probably over two years now. She is getting old and will likely go to her grave blissfully unaware of my transition and likely wondering why I haven't visited and whether I really care about her anymore, I do obviously. It seems now like my Dad has absolutely no intention of ever seeing me or even talking to me now.

Really, I might as well be the Marrog from Mars

Abused, Angry and Upset

Have you ever been so angry or upset that you really wanted to hurt someone, wanting to make see them experience as much pain as they have made you feel? I have had only very few comments from idiotic and stupid people concerning my being trans and certainly never come across any such vile, base, and chauvinistic men as I encountered last night. I was left so upset and angry that I stated that such men should be dead.

We had decided to go for one last drink after a really fabulous afternoon and evening out to celebrate a friends birthday. We went to a fairly trendy-looking bar in London's China Town and managed to get a seat right at the back of the place, there were a group of guys there who seemed to be rather loud and probably drunk but I didn't think much of it and went to the toilet.

When I returned, Rachel had got the drinks and was carrying them back to the table and the the gang or guys seemed to be rather excitable and were making quite alot of comments along the lines of "get 'em out!" and other puerile chants. I should probably say that Rachel was wearing a very clingy dress, and a fedora hat and looked very glam, stylish, and frankly quite sexy. I'd gone for a shortish silver dress (more like a tunic), black tights and red shoes. Yes, we were quite 'over-dressed' but that was the theme of the day out.

Anyway, I guess, looking back on this, that the guys must have been chanting/whooping and maybe passing comments about Rachel while I was away so when she turned to me and said "Kiss me" I assumed it was to point out, in no uncertain terms, that we were a couple and not interested in the guys. Looking back that doesn't seem like it was such a good idea now as that just made them more excitable while we had a rather passionate kiss. It really didn't register as a problem at the time and we just smiled and sat down to have our drinks.

At this point one of the group sat down right next to me, uncomfortably close. I could see him in the mirror opposite and he was looking away from us but something in his body language told me that he'd sat there purposefully, it wasn't just because of lack of seating. I think a few of my friends noticed this and moved round so I could shift along. The guy then shifted along even closer.

I felt very uncomfortable, and was worried what he was going to do or say. I tightened the grip on my purse and pulled by coat closer on my lap, I felt like I was being bullied and harassed and it made me really angry to be made to feel like that. I'm not sure I can describe how horrible that is, though I'm pretty sure most women have experienced that at some point in their lives; a man who thinks he has the right to invade personal space, to show no respect, and to assume that what they intend to do, whether it's to talk, touch, or kiss (or worse) it is something they are entitled to do.

I really should have felt scared I guess but I was just really angry at being bullied and harassed in this way and it got to the point pretty quickly where I just felt so annoyed that I turned round to this guy and basically threatened to "knee him so hard, that he wouldn't be able to have children, if he didn't go away". The term "rash" doesn't really cover it in hindsight, I really should have either being more polite or just moved away.

Worse was to come, the guy just turned back to me and said "You're a guy!", to which I obviously responded that I was a woman and might have even mumbled "trans" in there somewhere but the damage was already done and he seemed to take great delight in going round his mates and telling them this. There were shouts of "hit him" and I'm not sure whether they were directed at me or him but at that point we decided to move so as not to find out. I was still really angry, in fact maybe more so and I tried to tell one of the bar staff who was just collecting glasses that the guys were harassing us and he said he'd sort out out but we just moved away instead.

We sat nearer the door where it was quite light and spacious and at one point Rachel got up to dance and I really would have loved to have got up with her; I did try but I had just had such a huge hole blown in my confidence that I had to sit down again. I felt horrible; angry at the way I was treated, wanting to inflict the same hurt or worse on the guy concerned, and upset at myself for how badly I'd handled things and for the comments I'd made. I'm sure any woman in the same position would have felt bad at resorting to saying such things, it's not how you want to behave, but it made me feel doubly worse I guess as I'd almost descended to a 'male' level.

I managed to hold the tears back until we got into our room at the hotel but eventually ended up crying my eyes out as Rachel hugged and tried to console me. Went to bed after that and thankfully fell asleep pretty quickly even with all of this going through my head. Having updated twitter last night I wanted to get everything written in the blog this morning so it was out of my head. I think the strangeness of how social-networking helps I deal with my problems is worthy of it's own post later on!

How do I feel now? Well, better for writing it all down, it does seem like I can forget about it now, secure in the knowledge that the experience is captured here. It's a nice day outside and hopefully we're all going to have a nice time exploring parts of London and I can push all of this to the back of my mind and not think about it.

Out on the town

Out in London for Sue's birthday, if i knew how to send pics to twitter i would be updating that instead of the blog, as i could end up with a proliferation of lots of entries here!

GIC

As well as seeing a private specialist I also got a referral from my G.P. in Chorley to the NHS Gender Identity Clinic in Leeds. Contrary to alot of the reports I read on various forums, it is quite possible and acceptable to go for the shared-care approach rather than having to be limited to only private or only NHS treatment.

So I had my first appointment on Thursday, not actually too far from where I live and not in the middle of Leeds or anything (as I feared) so easy to get to as well. Of course it was a nightmare to park as seems to be the case with all hospitals I've been to (Gordon Brown, here's an idea for all those Banker's bonuses, pay for more parking and let the Nurses and staff park for free).

The appointment was very informal, just the start of the process and really a chance to talk about my history which I did at great speed with many tangents and diversions - I really must learn to slow down and stick to a point! Anyway all seemed to go well and I have another appointment in January to look forward to.

It may not seem like a particularly fast process but I guess the point about alot of the treatment is that there has to be checks to make sure it really is the right thing and also you have to allow time to adjust both physically and mentally to the various changes you go through. Of course it never does seem fast enough, but as long as you get there in the end.

OMG, why?!

It's terrible, almost too horrible to describe, totally inexplicable, a shock, words really do fail me. I wish I had been more prepared for this, if I could have got some help, maybe even professional advice or a support group or something. I really just don't know where to start or what to do, I'm completely at a loss.

Why, oh, why, oh, why ... have I got a Twitter account!!

Yes, I have finally succumbed to the latest in social-networking time-sinks for the very flimsiest of reasons:

1. There is a work-related Twitter account I wanted to follow#
2. I didn't want anyone else to get the "fionasboots" ID!
3. Erm, no, that's it, no other reason at all!

So, you will notice that I now have short, bite-sized, drivel fed from Twitter on the front page of the blog (look to your left), which I might even manage to keep up to date! Since my account is rather devoid of followers at the moment, please head over to http://twitter.com/fionasboots (or is that @fionasboots in Twitter speak?) and add/follow/whatever me.

Hurt, Acceptance and Hurt

I've said this before but it is worth repeating: being transsexual really messes up your life. It hurts those around you, your family, friends and ultimately you. Really and seriously, this is not something to do unless you are really, really, really sure it is the only way. One of the things that causes hurt all round is lack of acceptance.

In some ways the word "acceptance" in the context of transsexuality seems to imply quite alot, usually everything to one person and too much to everyone else. What a trans person ultimately wants is to be accepted totally and completely for who, and what, they are. But there is a more subtle and possibly more important part of acceptance and that is simply about dealing with reality. And maybe, to go one step further, to be objective about this rather than being swayed by prejudice, rumour, hearsay and downright myth.

I can't imagine what it is like for those close to me to have seen how I have changed from what they were use to into what appears to be a different person. I obviously feel I desperately need and want this transformation but they must feel equally strongly that they want me to be as I was. Not being able to at least acknowledge that this is what has and is happening just leads to hurt for everyone; for them because they will always be feeling the sense of loss and frustration and never moving on, and for me I just get treated like an outcast, and blamed for everything no matter what.

Being treated as if you are evil, wrong, purely selfish, inconsiderate, thoughtless, uncaring and unfeeling is horrible. Being ignored and your transition/gender disregarded with no hint that the issues you have are real is equally frustrating and upsetting. Being treated as if you are not a responsible, caring, and loving parent is also cruel and unwarranted.

All of the above sounds extreme and almost like life is a constant battle ground and that these issues are constantly apparent but that isn't the case, the problems are more subtle and insidious. All sorts of justifications can be used by those who don't accept what is happening and this can spiral out of control to the point that everyone involved is hurt, worst of all those who are vulnerable and ultimately will be upset and scarred the most.

I don't know how else to explain any of this without just ranting and getting more upset and frustrated. I know my transition has not been a pleasant thing for some but I never, ever, ever meant any of this to hurt anyone nor have I done this out of malice or even from some secret and devious plan. It has just happened, it's just how I am, it really and truly can't be helped and I am utterly sorry that people have been hurt because of it.

Acceptance, just a small amount of acceptance of what this is and what I am going through. Please.