The affect on my son

My son has always been quite awkward about getting up and getting ready for school - well mainly it's the eating breakfast bit, he is, with prompting okay about putting on his clothes and brushing his teeth etc.

This morning he was terribly slow and I was getting quite annoyed with him, though I didn't shout. In the end my wife and I decided that he'd stay at home and have a sleep. When she put him in bed he admitted that he'd been "tricking" us so we had a frantic dash to get ready for school.

In the mad rush I decided I wanted to know what was really going on so I sat him down to talk to him and ask what was bothering him. He eventually admitted that "Mummy and Daddy arguing" made him sad. I tried to explain to him that none of this was his fault and that both of us still loved him very much and we always would but that we had some things to sort out.

This is obviously not good and I'm not really sure how to help him through this and make him understand at least some of what is happening (the split, me going to work away, etc) so that he is not too upset.

Anyway, we got to school late (only a few mins) and, as my son entered the room he spotted his teacher and said:

"Miss *****, you've forgotten ME!"

I looked at his teacher and said what both of us were thinking: "No-one could forget you, son".

The end: it's official

I thought I'd have this as a separate post for dramatic impact and clarity.

My wife said tonight that, we were officially separated 2 weeks ago so that I no longer have to wear my wedding ring.

Tonight at around 23:15 I removed my wedding ring and put it on my right hand because I'm not entirely sure what to do with it. I use to think I needed to get a chain for it as it has always been pretty lose and I didn't want to lose it. I may still do this or just find somewhere to keep it safe. I won't be throwing it away or destroying it or anything like that.

I updated Facebook to say "Single" ... strangely this was a harder and more telling thing to do than removing my wedding ring.

My fault

Well, it probably is my fault. My wife certainly sees it that way.

We talked about some practical things and seem to be agreed on those. The finances still need some working on and I guess we need to consider different scenarios about the house and such but there doesn't seem to be anything in the short term that should be a big problem while I am away in Vancouver (assuming I'm going there).

However, I am (and I've always wanted to use this phrase but didn't expect it would apply to me or these circumstance): persona non gratia and am not 'allowed' back in this house once I fly out at the end of April - and even that is too far away apparently. My wife wanted the keys back as well but I said that I would keep one set of keys, make no copies, and agree to only enter the house if I have my wife's 'permission'.

I really need to think about all of this and maybe get some legal advice to see where I really do stand.

My wife is also adamant that my son must not be "influenced" or "groomed" for some TG lifestyle and non of my "friends" (of the TG persuasion - though I did point out that TS would probably be fine as they are not likely to be obvious "weirdos") should be around when he is with me. Also I need to "cut my nails" and not show any signs of TGism. Maybe I need to seek legal advice on this as well, though I have no intention of giving any bias to my son's upbringing, I have made my choices and he should be free to make his as well.

I did try and point out that I wouldn't want to outright lie to my son if he asked my views on a topic (my wife started getting more upset at this point) but I would not be encouraging him and certainly wouldn't even be covering any of this until he was much older - my limit on age is a bit lower that my wife's; I'm thinking early teens (when these questions come up) and she stated 18 which is probably a little late.

We seemed to finish the discussion relatively amicably though my wife is still not happy about the keys situation.

Back home, not sure for how long

Well, having spent two nights with my parents I really needed to get out and have some space - I really did feel quite awkward there and my Mum was clearly upset (though holding it together very well) and my Dad seemed to be annoyed with me.

I should correct the "annoyed" feeling as, when I returned home, I had a very moving e-mail from my Dad saying, in essence that he was finding this hard to talk about but that, I was his son and he and my Mum would always be there for me.

This means an awful lot (I had tears in my eye's reading what he wrote and I'm sure he was equally moved when writing it) and just goes to show that, generally, we can all be useless at communicating and understanding what everyone else around us is really feeling or thinking ... and how did we manage before we could use computers to get our inner-most thoughts out?!

Anyway, I left my parents place this morning and went to the Trafford Centre to meet up with a friend, nothing really of consequence happened before then, I was just killing time really - I did obviously look at the clothes in the shop windows and what everyone was wearing to get ideas and inspiration. I did see a (rather tall) woman in a shortish skirt (can't remember her top), and wearing tights with cats on! I thought it was such a fab look - she was also in some pretty high platform shoes and dwarfed her partner.

I've just been looking for the tights and found these links

Not the ones but funky nonetheless
Lots of prints here, not the ones I was looking for though

Nope, can't find them! If anyone knows where to get black tights that have pictures of cats on (covering the entire area of the tights) then let me know!

Anyway, met up with a friend and had a REALLY good chat for over 3hours! Explained all about me and the problems my wife is having coping with everything and the imminent split. Was really lovely to just talk. I had to use the "Eddie Izzard" analogy to explain about me at first (we need more famous TG people ... or I need to know about more that are already out there).

My friend was also going though a rough time with relationships at the moment but I don't think her problems got a fair share of the time ... must try and even things up a little in future! Anyway nice to talk to someone face to face and it did help me get alot of things in perspective and to stop me feeling so angry with everyone else and sorry for myself.

Now, I'm back home and my wife and son will be back soon - apparently my wife and I need to have some more talking to "tweak" the financial arrangements that I e-mailed her about over the weekend. And we need to talk about other stuff I guess as well.

They are back.

A few more thougths

From yesterdays "fun":

• My father-in-law said that I have a "problem".
• I'm a risk to my son because his friends could pick up on the signs (longer nails, hair, etc) and start taking the mickey out of him
• What I do is not "normal" apparently
• Nobody trusts me on *anything* - not just the TGirl stuff, apparently I'm likely to fly out of the country and stop paying the bills and other nasty things

So really, it looks like the eating worms thing is the only option left to me, clearly, everyone else would be happy if my "problem" went away which, by extension, means that I would have to go also.

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me ...

... I think I'll go and eat worms ... That's how the song goes anyway. What will I do? I'm not entirely sure but at the moment I just want to be away from everyone. I was rather stupid in that I left some clothes in a bag under my bed and my wife found them. My fault, I had promised not to but I couldn't resist. So I got kicked out of the house and have had to come up to my parents. My Dad is not happy with me, hardly said anything to me. I think me Mum is pretty much not happy and upset by all this ... So there we go, another master-stroke on my part: I've managed to be selfish, stupid, naive and all in allbad person all because I'm a TGirl, or at the very least be a bit different. I really want to run away at the moment.

Really must get back into a sleeping pattern

Well I'm posting this to check that the mobile blogging still works as well as to keep me awake. I obviously haven't been sleeping too well this week and I'm amazed I'm actually still awake now. Although I am quite pleased that I've managed to cycle to/from work all this week even though it's been terrible weather!

Vanouver bound?

It's looking likely that I'm going to get a load more work over in Vancouver this year. This is a good thing for several reasons, most of which are practical and logical:

• I'll be out of the house and this will help my wife
  
• I'll be able to save some money up for finding a place to move into when I'm back
• I'll be billable at work which is important at a time after we had redundancies

Of course all these practical reasons might not outweigh the fact that I'll be away from my son and I feel bad about that (see previous post "I want you stay with me Daddy") and do wonder how being apart (with the current atmosphere) will affect him.

Also, is it really a good idea to be running away like this?

I do have mixed feelings about it all now when it may be happening, I guess the best I can do is reason that there isn't much choice given the projects available where I work, and make the best of keeping in touch with him and spending serious quality time when I get back.

The Sky's the limit

Over the Easter weekend Sky was showing a two part adaptation of Terry Pratchett's "The Colour
of Magic" (for the picky among you I believe this also merged in the second book "The light fantastic"). I presume at some point in the not too distance future this will, as with the Hogfather, be available on DVD as well.

I don't really want to wait that long, I'd really like to see this now! As I'm sure will a great many Pratchett fans. However, I'm not willing to pay £16/month for a Sky subscription as my TV viewing is minimal at best so it would be rather a waste.

Of course the internet comes to the rescue, about 24hours after part 1 was shown the AVI files appears on The Pirate Bay and after the same delay part 2 was available for download as well!

So what should I do? Should I download these copies? Is this *really* illegal as I could, potentially, be watching the same content at a friends house if they had recorded it on Sky+ or similar device. It almost certainly *is* illegal I would guess since it's an unauthorised copy, Sky didn't approve it in any way and they hold the copyright.

You can argue about the moral and legal arguments all day but when it comes down to it, one important fact remains: I want to see this show NOW. The advertising/marketing/promotion of this has been successful, I want to see it. As do a great many other people and there can be no argument about this fact.

So I think there are two possibilities in this case:
1) People use illegal means to access a copy of the show - Sky (or whoever else) could track these people down and prosecute them or copyright infringement.

2) Sky could, instead, provide a way for me to access this content legally and in a way that was easy to use and comparable to the illegal process.

Why would Sky do this? Well, here's a few ideas:
1) Could be a source of revenue - charge a reasonable fee for the service, say something as low as £1 to stream and maybe £3 for an AVI file with no restrictions but at a low resolution.
2) Advertising - obvious really
3) Demographic information and more potential advertising opportunities
4) Brand loyalty - if they provide such a useful and fair service wouldn't you want to buy other things off them as well?

I'm sure there are many possibilities all of which would bring in revenue where currently people simply take the free alternative.

Grooming

I am stupid.

There, I've said it. People have hinted at it, maybe other words have been used, a good friend of mine in school once said that I "say a lot of rubbish but every now and then say something really important" which was actually pretty sweet but sadly 100% accurate and therefore tantamount (always wanted to write that in a sentence) to "stupid" anyway.

Why am I stupid I don't hear you ask? (Is this really rhetorical with a negative in it?) Well teh current reason is that I have attempted to talk too much about things. I've never really got to grips with keeping surprises (secrets I'm 100% water-tight on, since 1. I like to see people happy so don't go blabbing things that upset them and 2. I often forget secrets, or at least put them to the back of my mind).

Where was I, oh yes, surprises and things about me and things I'm interested in or find amusing, or quirky. I just LOVE to talk/chat/gossip and I don't mind setting myself up to be the butt of a joke or, what I see as a humourous scenario. What's worse is this extends pretty much to ANYTHING I've done or do and I have no concept of filtering things.

So, when I felt that I was being interesting in telling my wife that one of my friends at work had some alternative extra-curricula activities (I know this person may read this blog; don't worry, nothing 'important' was divulged, all secrets are still safe, you were just being used as an example of how naive I am) this was not filed in the same way I view this sort of information.

It was then linked to the next piece of prime stupidity which was to tell my wife that this friend and I had been to dinner; all perfectly innocent, we've had dinner before (and I've made no secret of that ... I love food and drink, and I love to have these with friends). The only difference this time was I was in Fiona mode (sorry, geekisms unfortunately creep in, "mode" indeed!).

Link that to the first piece of information and we arrive at the following two words:

Grooming
Encouraging

Apparently this friend of mine is "encouraging" me to do more Fiona things. No she is not. Absolutely not ... other Friends *are* (but only in the sense that they are interested in the same things; clothes, shopping, shoes, etc) but this particular friend isn't, she just has a very broad range of life experience and my little 'hobby' is minor by comparison.

The "grooming" bit, which I particularly disliked due to the sexual-deviant overtones (given the frequent usage of this word in the context of sex offenders), is due to what was perceived as my constant discussions on topics related to gender, sexuality, and related areas. Apparently I was "grooming" my wife to accept my lifestyle and behaviours.

I won't deny that, over the past 2years I've wanted acceptance and understanding and even involvement, and I can certainly see that I've gone on about things quite alot, too much by the sounds of it. But I see "grooming" as a rather offensive term, one which sounds like it came from either spontaneous angry or from a more lengthy discussion over the weekend between my wife and her family. Or it could be part of the general paranoia about me that I twist things and try and put my wife down.

For the record I'm not that clever. I can't twist things as I generally don't remember enough details! I'm also not smart enough for anything too convoluted or dastardly and generally judt trundle through life trying to enjoy myself!

"I want you to stay with me, Daddy"

My son is very clever. He's maybe too clever given all the problems that my wife and myself are going through as he's obviously picking up on it and he has the uncanny knack of, at the very least appearing, to understand some of the consequences of the arguing that is going on around him.

So while he was brushing his teeth he said the following:

"I want you to stay with me, Daddy"
"What, for ever and ever?"
"Yes, don't go to Canada"

I had to try and explain that the computers needed fixing in Canada because they kept getting broken, which was met with the pretty obvious question:

"Who is breaking them?"

Hmmm, that one took a little bit of explaining!

So, more things to think about; what is for the best, staying and us all having to suffer the arguments and pain or spent a long time in Canada and maybe allow some level of 'normal' life for my son.

Credit card test

Well, I had intended to go for an eye-test as it has been many, many years since my last one and I'm pretty sure that my eyes are getting a little strained these days with the amount of time I spend on computers and the ridiculously high resolution that I use (if there's pixels available, I'm going to use them!).

No appointments available yesterday (well it was Good Friday and the Trafford Centre was absolutely heaving!) so I'm going this afternoon instead.

Of course, the eye test, I suppose, was a bit of an excuse to get me to the Trafford Centre so I could look at nice things to buy. My wardrobe had been reduced to a bare minimum (yes, I know, that isn't strictly true, but everything is relative :D ) and I also wanted to look at some make-up, specifically non-powder eye-shadows, lip liners and the Max Factor mascara.

Since my wife had gone down to her parents this was effectively a 'free' weekend and time for doing some tidying up around the house as well as thinking time. Since I was pretty confused about the whole Fiona thing (not having done it for a while) I ... hmmm, look, I'm just making up more execuses here aren't I? Really, I am a shopaholic and just wanted to buy "things" ... I also was feeling a bit low from a sexy point of view and wanted some nice sexy undies!

Anyway, I found a dress, a nice sexy babyboll from La Senza as well as the make-up I was looking for (Max Factor is 3for2 in Superdrug at the moment). There are, as ever, many more pics of the dress and me on Flickr.

I was actually quite pleased with the make-up results that I got so much so that I decided to do something stupid and go to bed still fully made-up (Note: this is a bad bad thing and my skin will likely pay the price today). Surprisingly when I woke up the results weren't too hideous! I think that is partly as I buy "good" (well I hope so) make-up and also the fact that I don't seem to fidget in bed that much, once I'm asleep that's me for the night.

I best get on with some tidying up now.

What you lose

Support. Understanding. Choice. Freedom.

(If only the last one could have begun with 'K' then it would have been S.U.C.K)

My wife is travelling down to her parents with our son, I'm remaining up here at home (correction, "house", this is no longer my "home" I'm told). Traffic permitting she will be there in a few hours at which point my in-laws will know that the marriage is over. They'll probably also know that I have continued with the Fiona activities even though they were, to the best of my knowledge, blissfully unaware of this.

I just talked to my parents (well my Mum) and it seems that the unquestioning support is not really to be found there either. They were shocked at the amount of clothes that I had left with them (having moved them out of here for "safety" reasons) and my Dad was apparently questioning how I could spend so much when the money could have been used on the house or other things for my wife and son.

I guess I'm selfish.

So, lets have a look at the scores here shall we:

Against:

1. Wife
2. In-laws
3. My parents (this may seem a tad unfair, they are at least still talking to me and trying to help in anyway they can ... but really, they don't agree with what I've done or am doing)
4. Not yet, but assorting friends I guess are going to be against me when they find out about all of this
   

For:

1. Two actual, real, flesh&blood friends (Thank you)
2. Several online friends/acquaintances (Also thank you though, in fairness without meeting me face-to-face you probably have no real idea what I'm like so you might find me to be the selfish and greedy idiot the "Against" people think I am)

There are also plenty of people online and real (more online to be fair) that are probably floating voters in all of this so not counted here.

So, not looking good really. Not sure where I fall either; for, against, or somewhere in between. Maybe not enough time for self-pity, must get some painting done.

Inner and outer image

I just wanted to try and capture this though as, like so many of the things that flit through my head it'll probably be gone shortly.

I'm wondering what my view is of how I look. I have noticed that I don't really like to look at myself in the mirror unless I'm appropriately made-up and looking fab. This, in the cold light of day still isn't fantastic but it can be better that what I see (sadly) most of the time.

But it occurred to me that maybe what I think is the image of me, isn't. That I have an internal view of myself that really doesn't match the external appearance and that I'm actually talking and acting through my own inside person which might be a little confusing for everyone else.

Oh yes, while I remember, I'm pretty sure I'm getting more camp in my manerisms and affectations, even at work, maybe I'm trying to just break out ... or maybe I *really* do desperately want to go to the works social night in FULL Fiona mode ... OMG that would be SOOOOOO funny! LOL

If at first you don't succeed ...

... you clearly haven't drunk enough.

Well, okay, I'm not feeling completely and totally down, but low enough to hit the alcohol - while watching Sex Change Soldier ... not exactly the right programme for a balanced frame of mind at the moment ... will hopefully comment on this in another blog post if a) I remember what I was going to say and b) I can read the notes I made (yes, terrible when you take notes so you can blog about something later!)

Sadly (or maybe fortunately) my liver appears to be functioning perfectly well OR the 20% proof liqueur that I was consuming really didn't have the desired affect! Question for anyone knowledgeable in biological chemistry: does the sugar in sweet drinks in any way reduce the affect of the alcohol? Equally does having food with drink simply 'dilute' the alcohol or are there other chemical reactions going on that effectively mop up any of the nasty compounds created by the digestion of ethanol?

So, currently tired, confused, and nowhere near as drunk as I'd like to be ... must try harder next time (preferably after applying make-up etc).

You know, sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it anymore ...

I generally try to be happy and cheery and I always thought that I was amazingly lucky not to have had anything in my life that caused me too much trouble. I later began to suspect that the reason for so few problems was simply that I did so little to actually get myself in situations where problems could occur, basically that I lived such an uneventful life that there wasn't much scope for bad things to happen.

Now I wonder if I was being lulled into a false sense of security. Now everything is going wrong and it's going wrong in the most spectacular way possible.

[ Okay, even as I write this I'm thinking: "Well, it could be worse", "there are other people with much more serious problems", "stop wallowing in self-pity, there really *are* people who are *much* worse off" ]

My wife had been doing so well and had not really gone ballistic about everything that has been happening and I, naively, thought that this may continue. It didn't. Tonight was time for shouting, throwing things and being as nasty as possible. She did eventually calm down and we both explained to our son (who was quite upset by all this) that it wasn't *his* fault at all.

I don't like shouting and screaming, or the throwing of things, or just the sheer malice that can accompany these. I have *never* been a violent person, the only times I've thrown things where out of frustration/disappointment at myself and on all occasions it's when I've been alone and just feeling down.

I think I've tried to say that my wife's sometimes unstable behaviour is something I've had to put up with and she obviously has my TG issues to handle (these often being the cause of her angry reactions). Her retort is simply that *I* knew about how she was before we got married whereas the TG thing only came to light later on. I'm not sure this is entirely a reasonable argument.

What else, oh yes, after all of that I get an e-mail from one of the guys on-site saying I did something wrong. He's right I did, I didn't follow his procedure and, though I'd like to come up with excuses, I can't, I made a mistake. I didn't think, I should be paying more attention to work at the moment and I'm not.

Frankly, I'd love to shout at him and tell him I f***ing don't care about his f***ing process as my life is falling apart and my wife (who claims she still loves me) is now wanting me to sort out the legal position for council tax, child tax credits, and a whole host of things (which make practical sense) OH and this is going to be "her" house and I'm not allowed here at all nor am I allowed to contribute to the improvements. No, I just have to get out as it's HER house.

Oh f*** this is going to get messy.

This may not be such a good thing ...

A really quick post about what happened on Tuesday:

• Annual review - apparently I'm a "nice" and approachable person but need to try harder on the leadership skills (fair point). Thankfully "nice" is enough to get me a good pay-rise so I have, until inflation and my spending kicks in, extra money per month which may help with moving out
• It is now possible that I could have another 6-9months in Vancouver. This is good from a financial point of view (if I can control my spending), it also gets me out of the house and gives my wife space, and of course it means Fiona has free reign and will be getting out and about even more (hopefully)

More money is undeniably a good thing ... not sure about more travel

Chapter V: The Empire Strikes Back

I'm sure I can twist this in some way to make it kind of like the Star Wars story but I'll not even attempt the full on parody - for a start, what happens is just not funny in the slightest.

So, I had been exploring the inner Fiona and had managed through cunning, charm, and amazing ability - no, actually just sheer dumb luck - to not get caught with a suitcase (make that several) full of clothes. So my wife had no idea, she was blissfully unaware of what I was doing and what I was beginning to realise I was.

For those of you with a cruel streak have a look at the very early pictures on Flickr and you'll see what I looked like then - terrible! But certainly not just someone wearing a few bits of underwear for kicks or with just a bit of a fetish for the odd girlie thing. I have to admit that certainly some of the things I bought were because I thought they looked or felt sexy, and yes, making yourself into (in your deluded eyes) an attractive female form is a turn on ... in a bizarre way it's also alot easier (and safer) than alternative methods of sexual satisfaction that errant husbands away on business often indulge in.

It got to the point after a few trips, and after talking alot on one of the forums that I realised that this was not going to go away and that it was not longer a case of turning it off again and throwing everything away. So this is when I started asking about how to go about telling my wife. I asked first of all if I should and of course people said that yes, this is the right thing to do, you shouldn't have secrets, it's the person you love.

I thought about this quite alot and decided that it would be quite nice to have everything out in the open, in fact I convinced myself that telling my wife about Fiona would be a wonderful thing as it would mean absolutely no secrets at all, she would know everything about me completely. She already knew about the past girlfriends (not many so that topic didn't take long to cover when we were going out) and pretty much everything else.

I actually felt quite thrilled at the idea of telling everything. I also thought that being completely honest would mean that my wife would know and understand me more and that she would be able almost reconstruct all of my thoughts and feelings by knowing so much about me and, without this missing piece alot of who I am would affectively be lost.

I have to admit that some of the whole "missing piece" thoughts also had a geeky twist to them; picture the scenario; in the year 4000 they are trying to create a hologram of me and reconstruct my consciousness but they have no record of the Fiona bit ... disaster, what they get isn't me! Yeah, I know, I should really cut down on the sci-fi books/films :D

Anyway, my wife and I were also getting on well after all my travelling and a few glitches related to this (and maybe to my keeping this secret and the affects it still had on me to some extent). So I thought even more that this would be something that she could deal with, that by telling we would become better together. We'd have a better life, we'd have a better sex life, in general we'd be closer and more intimate.

So I tried to prepare to tell her. This is hard. Really it is, and too be honest I made a complete and utter mess of it all!

I won't drone on about it too much, in short this is what happened.

About one week after our anniversary (my wife tells me this is when it was and this in particular hurt her) we were lying in our bed and I was trying to get my wife to put on some sexy lingerie (or maybe she was just taking some off and complaining about it, I forget) and the conversation went like this:

Wife: "I hate wearing this stuff"
Me: "Well, it's my turn to wear it next!" (hopeful sound in voice I suspect)
Wife: "Are you some sort of transvestite"
Me: "Actually yes I am"

At this point decent into hellish scene of confusion, tears, and disbelief.

I ended up in the spare room and my wife cried her heart out most of the night. I was stunned, I didn't know what to do.

I can't remember much about the morning I think we talked and I tried to explain. My wife didn't really understand it all and it obviously didn't sink in though she seemed to calm down - I think this was just the shock.

We had to take our son to meet up with his Grandma (my wife's mother) and I said I'd drive ... again calm going down. Nothing was said until we got back ... and then more hell, more questions, more tears, more hurt.

In the end my wife couldn't take it and had to tell someone so she phoned her mother and poured her heart out. Her mother was angry, hurt, confused and then some more angry ... she said (and I still think this is somewhat 'funny') that she was going to phone my parents (never have figured out exactly why she felt the need to do this) ... so this means I had to phone them first ... by which time I was in a complete state.

My wife wanted me out of the house but she had reached another calm point whereas I was in no fit state to drive or even move, I have only cried more in my life a few times since, and one of them was shortly after all of this happened, I'll come to that in a little while.

So I spent some time at my parents house, again alot of which I can't remember now, certainly we talked and I tried to explain as best I could. Eventually though I had to go back home because I was flying out to India for two weeks with work and needed to get some things. Yes, I should really have stayed to sort things out, but at the time my wife really didn't want me there and we were heading for divorce. So, I thought it would be better to be away for 2 weeks to give us both space.

So now we come to one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever gone through. I went back to the house, my mother-in-law was there, the place had been turned upside down and any evidence of me had been removed (photos, books, etc). I had to try and pack some things but before I did I wanted to see my son ... I remember carrying him to the dining room and hugging him and trying to talk to him. I remember him pointing out of the window at something and talking away as if nothing was happening. When I went upstairs to pack I just broke down, I have never felt so utterly drained and in pain than I did at that point.

I flew out and, as will not be surprising to anyone of a similar persuasion I still had Fiona clothes and things with me even then! (If I do the prequels to this story it might explain why, in in the depths of such sadness I would even consider doing this when my activities had caused so much pain). My wife and I talked more when I was out in India and I even had to phone my in-laws; they were "disappointed" in me and didn't want to see me - both are fairly understandable reactions.

When I got back (in time for my sons birthday) my wife and I talked some more and she had decided that, given that I abide by certain rules, that she would take me back and we would not divorce. The "rules" were pretty fair I have to say and allowed me to carry on with the Fiona things while away from the house but strictly not while at home.

So, it seemed like we could move forward, albeit with some comprimise and still with a long, long way to go with understanding and acceptance but it was a start at building our relationship back up for the sake of our son, our marriage and ourselves.

Sadly, as you'll have seen from the latest posts, this hasn't been at all easy and it looks like we're far from a happy ending at the moment. I'll post the next bit of the story later, and try and explain what happened in the following 2 years leading up to the problems that we have now and why things really just haven't got better, and if anything are now much worse.

Counselling ...

... or not?

Just to catch up a little since I haven't posted anything over the past few days I'll say a little about Sunday evening, this being my father-in-laws birthday meal with kids and grand-kids etc. It went okay in the end, in fact it seemed that everyone had a good time (though the food was pretty much below the standard I get use to when travelling so much - sorry, I'm a snob about alot of things now!).

The atmosphere was quite relaxed and 'normal' though I still did have time to look at what the waitresses were wearing (not that impressive, black and comfy being the main theme) and the make-up they had on (much more impressive). So, still thinking like a TG person rather than a guy!

Monday was meant to be annual review time and, from a financial point of view this was something that could have alot of bearing on how well this split could go, if at all! Unfortunately it got postponed until Tuesday!

Monday night we talked some more and got a bit upset and I tried to suggest counselling as a way to try and deal with what was happening to maybe help us both understand what the other was thinking and why; I wasn't trying to say that this would solve our problems, just that it might help us through them with less pain. This was, after some more tears, agreed on and I booked the appointment - I have to admit feeling quite scared about this and the reality of what I was doing did hit quite hard.

Anyway, my wife decided that I wasn't really understanding how she felt about everything and also didn't think that Relate would help - I have to admit I was sceptical about it all as well so I can't blame her there. So she must have talked to C who then came round and all three of us sat down to try and go over everything.

We talked for a while and C was quite objective about everything and also positive in some ways saying that, while we clearly couldn't continue to live together like this that we would all remain friends and that we were both young enough to have the chance to have a new life apart and that it was probably all for the best. We all seemed to agree and certainly we both said to each other after C left and the following morning that we felt some relief.

But, really it's not that easy since there is no clean break. I can't afford to move out now, so I'm sleeping in another room. There are lots of practical things to work out and it's all going to take time but the longer it takes the harder it is and also the more chance there is that it'll feel like we're getting along and I may slip back into the comfortable feeling of 'normality' .... all of which may be followed by an almighty argument!

Anyway, lots of things happened on Tuesday which has meant more confusion! I'll post about that in a while but I think it's about time for the next instalment of "Star Wars" ...

Normality is restored ...

... anything you can't deal with is therefore your own problem.

I could have quoted the Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy slightly incorrectly there but you get the idea.

Today has been very strange, and it's certainly been a much calmer and, in some ways a better day and in some ways worse. I'll come onto the bad points at the end but first explain what has happened since around about 2am on Saturday morning.

Obviously after the discussion and pain of Friday night sleep was a little out of the question so I spent alot of time trying to write my thoughts down (as you can see from previous posts), a bit of surfing to distract myself and eventually finished watching "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium" which I really enjoyed, and again helped to keep my mind away from unpleasant thoughts.

In the morning I had to go and pick up my son from my sister-in-laws and drive up to my parents house - this was so I got sort out my fathers computer and was not planned before all of this happened. My C&C were fine with me, I was a little worried that I was in for serious trouble but there was none; I asked if C she was going to see my wife in the afternoon so that she could talk to her and she said she would and reassured me that she'd look after her.

It took a while to get round to the subject of impending separation with may parents and in the end I explained most of it to my Dad. I can't remember the details of what I or he said now but we did cover most of the practical aspects with him being totally unconvinced that my approach for moving forward would work for many reasons, not least of which was financial (in summary, I planned to move out into a new place yet still pay for everything that I do now, i.e. house, bills, etc ... yes, I know it's going to be difficult ranging to impossible!).

My wife phoned my parents phone and spoke to my Mum (who I hadn't had a talk to) and ask for my son and myself to stay up there to give her time to get her self sorted out. At this point I obviously had to explain everything to my Mum. After my son went to bed, lots more discussions.

I won't go into all the details of the rest of the night/morning except to say that one thing was bothering me and that was the prospect that my wife may wreak some terrible revenge and destory and/or throw-out all of my clothes and other items that were still back home. This seems like a selfish thing to worry about, and to be fair, it probably is, but there is a lot of "me" tied up in those things and it would be a greater loss that just the financial and material aspect.

Anyway, we set off back earlyish in the morning and arrived to find my wife in a relatively calm mood. We talked some more and both cried a little but we both were quite calm and stable and talked about the meal in the evening for my wife's father; all concerned had decided that this should not be spoiled by any of our troubles so we would put on a brave face and just try and get through it.

I said to my wife that I'd cut my nails (otherwise my mother-in-law may have commented, my son already has!) and also move all of the clothes and stuff up to my parents. This seemed to help lighten things even more so, while my wife took our son to church (must remember to write about my thoughts on this later) I set to packing everything up - this took an hour! You would not believe the amount of shoes and clothes I have!

Before I started this task I was feeling the normality creeping back and almost a non-Fiona state of mind and I really wanted to resist this. It felt like I really didn't mind about the lack of Fiona things and that normality would be easier. Of course then I realised two things; 1) I had tried on a pair of boots (wasn't sure whether to pack them or leave them to be thrown away, they are a bit tight) and had continued to wear them and felt very comfortable, 2) I started to pack a hand-luggage bag of 'essentials', which then turned into a full suitcase - both equally cramped! So, yes, clearly I was having no trouble letting go of the things!

Well, to cut a long story short (I always wanted to say that), took things back, returned, went to the evening meal and no real problems. My wife and I got on okay and I think we all succeeded in keeping the recent troubles from my wife's parents. Again, my wife and I even got on quite well and chatted and joked a bit when we got back, even about the prospect of my moving out.

So what's bad about this then? Well, in practical terms my wife still can't handle "me" - as she puts it, it's the "physical changes", e.g. longer nails, eye-brows, body hair etc. So yes, we seem to have a truce at the moment but really the difference is still there and is not going to go away.

The more insidious unpleasant aspect of all this is the "normality" itself and the problem I have with that is that it is so easy to just take the path of least resistance and fall back into normality and accept that life. But I don't want to, I want to feel that I am moving forwards, that I am changing, that I am being more Fiona-like.

I really don't like what I am, I want to be what I want, I constantly want to feel like this and be moving in that direction. I know this is again, selfish, but I don't want to deny what I think I may be, what I enjoy experiencing and expressing ... I want to see, feel, and experience the world through Fiona's eyes and her thoughts, not the other me. Then again all of me is "me" and in even the most normal experience I should be able to be the whole of myself - this is actually harder than you think!

I'll finish this rather long essay by mentioning something else that happened - I talked to a friend of mine who I've only recently told me, something that I regret for both friendship and practical reasons! Anyway, I got to have a long chat to her about various things in both our lives and obviously my current issues.

We then got talking about clothes and things and she suggested that, at some point (when the dust has settled a little) I might like to come down to London for a shopping trip with her and a mutual friend (who she told about me as well). This would be the most AMAZING, and FABULOUSLY FUN thing to do and I can't describe how much I'm looking foward this this!

I know my friend reads this blog so all I can say is: THANKS! You really can't imagine what this means to me :D

On that note, time for bed I think.

Banal advice

I'm sorry, I don't mean to offend anyone, and I am always thankful for any advice from anyone and I try not to turn people away from offering opinion and hope I at least give due consideration.

But, I am tired, confused, exhausted mentally, I'm likely f***ing up my life big time and I've no idea what is happening and I post a total out pouring of my feelings and stream of conciousness (probably utter garbage and proof positive that I'm just a pathetic person) and the first answer to come back suggests thing may be okay since we're still talking and that maybe everything will be better if my wife realise she might actually have been attracted to this part of me, oh and maybe if she joined the forum that would help.

How f***ing useless is that?! My life is going down the toilet and that's the best you can come up with?! That's not advice that's a waste of f***ing electrons!

Sigh

I repeat again, I don't mean to cause offence, and, to anyone from the forum who reads this and thinks I'm talking about them; I'm really sorry, I feel terrible at the moment and I wanted to lash out at something and just rant. I felt it better to do it here than launch a personal and unjustified personal attack.

Yes, this is a crap blog entry, but I wasn't writing it to be read, I was writing it to be written.

Beginning of the end

I don't know if I have the energy to write this and all the things I thought to both discuss with my wife and others seem to have left my head - I'm going to try and write as much down in my blog as I can as all the "great" ideas and points to make pop into my head and then vanish when I come to actually say them. I'll try and explain what happened tonight and maybe some of it will come back to me.

I got back and we (as a family) were going to have takeout and then I was planning to see my parents tomorrow with my son (not related to any of this) and my wife was going to go shopping with her sister-in-law (C - married to my wifes brother, also C - here on in referred to as C&C) and would be discussing everything that has happened.

I went to have a shower and when I got back, things had changed; my son was going to stay up at C&C's so that we could talk - C has obviously suggested some ideas to my wife, the main one being that we should go for counselling.

Before leaving to take my son to C&Cs my wife asked whether *I* was willing to seek counselling to help me control what I was doing. I'm not sure what I said but at some point my wife took it as no and stormed off. I explained that I didn't say no and she seemed to calm a little.

When she got back we talked more about counselling and what this would achieve, again we went over the same ground about the things I do like leaving bits and pieces lying around and talking about going out more and she said she thought this was a cry for help; this sounds now, when I write it like something that C&C might have suggested.

We talked more and both got very upset. We seemed to decide to split because I didn't feel it was possible for her to accept/be happy with my level of TGism now, e.g. shaved legs, arms, under-arms. She thought it would get worse as well, which may be true, and I also said I couldn't cope with feeling so constricted in what I do.

We also talked about the fact that we would not now have the 2nd baby we both wanted (and our son wanted), and again at that point I really couldn't take it - I said I would happily come to any arrangement to have a 2nd baby and then leave; yes, I know that sounds stupid but I know how much my wife wants another child and I feel terrible and guilty that this won't happen.

Obviously my wife didn't think this was workable and we talked through other things and eventually got to the point of needing to eat something.

When I walked out the door to go and get takeout food I really felt terrible and didn't want to lose my relationship, my family, everything. Again, I felt like the TG bit of me wasn't such a big deal and it wasn't worth the cost and that I could get by without thinking about it.

2minutes down the road and I'm thinking about whether I drive in a femme enough way ... at the local shop I saw a woman come in and wanted instantly to have her hair style and wear similar outfit and thinking how terrible and 'male' I look.

But when I got back I tried to say that I didn't want to lose everything and that maybe we should got for counselling to see if my wife can cope more with who I am. I asked her if she thought it would help her understand and accept me, she wasn't sure.

She asked me if I could limit it to once a month, and I asked whether she could still cope with, what she's called the "physical changes", i.e. hair free body, longer nails. She was not happy with that.

More talking along the lines of us moving in opposite directions and after that I'm finding it hard to remember what we talked about and what we really decided ... I think counselling with someone who is proficient in TGism. I think we decided that this would be good anyway, I'm thinking maybe as a way to work through even a split rather than an expectation of getting back together.

As I cleared away the dishes I realised that I am likely to lose my home, my family life, and everything that has been my life for so long. I don't know if that's what I want to do and I don't know if I could ever get that back or have it again. I wondered if I only got those things because that's what I was expected to do or I just wanted to fit in and be normal. Did I get married because that's what I thought I should do. Do and did I act like a 'guy' because that's what I thought I should do. What am I? I know I feel sometimes that I play a role ...

... in fact I was trying to talk about that with my wife, when I was trying to explain about not really being a typical man; I remember trying to be all confident/blockee with my first girlfriend (at the age of 24 - yes, slow developer) and feeling totally paranoid about sex for the first time when I had been cross dressing a month or so before this date - and had gone through the purging thinking that it was not normal and I should not need to do that or even think about it when had a girlfriend.

If only I knew what I was then, and if only I felt it was normal then as well. I don't really know what *I* should be, I know I feel like certain people when I do things I associate with them, e.g. (and this is an Eddie Izzard'ism) I feel like my Dad when I'm sawing wood and doing DIY things and that feels like a man thing to do. I actually don't want to think about or do DIY at the moment as I don't want to shatter the girlie facade. Maybe I just put things into too many seperate boxes - maybe it should all be me; I'm a DIYing, cycling, geeky, TV/TS/TG/whatever.

But that all still brings me back to the question of whether I should be trying to be me without restriction, where-ever that may take me, or if I should be trying to limit what I do to keep hold of things I don't want to lose. Or is this just delaying the inevitable? By staying is that just going to cause more pain all round?

At 35 (34 and 11months to be exact) what should I be doing with my life - should I be doing what I feel I want to do before it is too late or should I be settling for stability and family and maybe the prospect of looking back with regret - I already do this now, I look at myself and think how old and ugly I look, I feel better when I see Fiona looking back but I still look old and my skin is terrible and I'm fat.

I know that no-one else knows all the answers and I know that most of the above is unintelligible garbage which very few people (probably not even me) will read through again. But maybe I just had to write it (think I'll copy it to the blog as well since I can't think of anything else to say).

I know I was warned that this whole TG thing (at whatever level) can f*** up your life and make you lose everything ... I never thought it would happen to me and I never thought it would hurt so much.

While everything turns to s*** ... BT keeps going

My life has taken a turn for the worst at the moment and things are not going well at home and will either stay bad, get slowly worse, then maybe better or will spiral out of control rapidly and create a total mess.

I'll have to post more about that later because it's too confusing and painful at the moment.

But, among all this misery there was one brief spot of irony which gave me a few seconds to be justifiably malicious: A sales call from BT!

They phoned my TalkTalk phone, asking for me, declared that they are from BT and then asked "Why did you leave BT?". I then quite calmly, though menacingly pointed out that I am on the telephone preferences service and that sales calls to anyone on there are, in fact, illegal (actually I suspect it's a voluntary code/policy rather than a law).

What are we teaching our kids?

I was reading Fireman Sam to my son last night and this particular book is starting to annoy me. The page in the pic is the penultimate one and the last page reads 'oh, Sam, you've saved the day again - our hero!' and show Sam putting the fire out from the relative safety of the platform on the fire engine. But who was it that saved Mandy by climbing up a later against a burning building? That would be Penny! So, surely *she* saved the day, or at the very least it was a team effort! How sexist can you get! I mean Penny did all the dangerous work and doesn't even get a mention! All Sam did was point his hose at the fire and then take all the credit! Grrr - makes me mad anyway! :D

Quick test

See if this is still working properly!

Fantastic, I've got the mobile blogging thing working again :D

In a galaxy far far away ... (chapter IV)

Okay, about time I explained a bit about how I got into the complicated life I have today! And it seems apt that I do it with a Star Wars theme as the prequels aren't really that relevant and I'll have to knock up some special effects to make them exciting.

So, it's 2006, I'd been going through the whole purging cycle for the past few months and still very much in the depths of denial, in fact January sees me acting completely normal with plenty of work things to keep me occupied, in fact was over in NZ for 2 weeks busily working away and I find out I'm going to be back in the UK for 1 week and then away in Utah for 3 and I need to sort out my passport (had less than 6months to run) when I get back.

I don't know why but when I got back to the UK something in my head went ping and all of a sudden I had the most desperate urge to go buy a load of clothes and just get dressed up! So I did - on my way over to Liverpool to get the passport sorted! I also made the concious decision that, this time, no purging, I was going to see this out until the bitter end and figure it out once and for all!

I really don't know why I suddenly snapped like that, and I'm not sure what made me decide to move forward with the whole crossdressing (since that's all it was at that point) thing, but that is the point where life changed I guess.

I also probably did was of the stupidest and, at the time embarassing, things in my life; I'd just bought, among other things, a pair of boots and for some reason I decided it would be a fun idea to drive to Liverpool in these, walk to the passport office, then walk all the way into Liverpool city centre, still wearing boots with a 2" heel which I wasn't at all practised in walking in!

I also believe these boots were magical: they had a special curse on them which amplified the walking sound to almost deafening levels! I even got wolf-whistles and a few rowdy comments from some builders along the way (bear in mind that I'm in bob-mode here, apart from the boots under my jeans).

Okay, finally got to the city centre and got the boots off - too embarassing and uncomfortable (though I have to say they fit perfectly now, having had the intensive wearing-in session). I bought a load more clothes (fairly randomly) as well as a pair of maroon boots and then it was back home to surreptitiously park all this into my suitcase without anyone noticing. Then off to Utah.

While there I bought more clothes and started reading, and posting on various forums and even started posting pictures of myself (alot of these are still on Flickr, right at the beginning, and are pretty hideous).

I was still pretty much in the closet and very naive and inexperienced with everything about the transgender issues and had no real idea yet what was going on, though, as I continued to have trips away and the opportunity to experiment with clothes, make-up and got more feedback from my pictures*, I was beginning to realise that this wasn't going to go away and it was something that couldn't stay hidden either!

So, around about the middle of the year I decided that I had to confess all to my wife of 5years in the naive expectation that this was the right thing to do and, in the long run would all be fine and we'd all live happily ever after; though I can see now that even in this rose-tinted world I hadn't really thought what would happen.

And it was nothing like I imagined at all, in fact the complete opposite!

So I'll save all the gory details to the next chapter, it's kinda like Empire Strikes back in many ways; more pain and suffering though I don't believe anyone actually got frozen in carbonite, well, maybe metaphorically!

Problems/things I want to do

Well, here's a first attempt at getting down some of the things that are currently causing friction at home, it's also coincidentally almost a mini-list of things I want to try and do and achieve:

• Growing my nails - having tried the glue-on variety I decided it would be better (and less messy) to just grow mine and then get them done (probably when I go to Sparkle)
• Eyebrows - really I don't think anyone looks good looking like Hairy McScarey no matter whether they are male/female/other!
  
• Hair - I once tried to grow my hair long as a student with disastrous results! However now I am familiar with the concept of conditioner and hair stylists I'd like to have another stab at it!
• Sparkle - I *AM* going this year! About time I met up with everyone I chat to online and had a fun time!
• "Me" - I want to be me more, I don't like the person I have to be and would much prefer being the me I want to be more and more! Think it's maybe time I went to talk to someone about this!

Okay, some of the above is a bit vague I guess. I think I'll have to rewind a bit and post about what has been happening over the last few years - I'll do that later, I really should get on with some work now!

Hi Honey, I'm Home!

Well, after the rather drunken post I didn't really get a chance to write any blog entries as I was busy packing and sorting everything out for flying back to the UK. FYI: didn't have a bad head in the morning after trying (and apparently failing) to drink myself into oblivion!

Packing took Friday night and a little bit of Saturday morning and resulted in one very heavy suitcase (with almost zero bob-mode clothes in it) and a suit-bag that almost wouldn't fold in half it had so much stuff in it!

Saturday I went for a wander around to kill time before going to the airport, managed to get a few shots of myself; looking both a bit winds-swept (and interesting?) and puzzled - this later look being down to the fact that it was quite bright and sunny and I forgot to take my sunglasses out. Anyway, you can see the pics on my Flickr page, here's one I really like:
So, had to finish my wanderings eventually and get to the airport where I found that the luggage was 27kg over weight (and that's even after stuffing some things into the box my mountain bike was going back in!). Just to put this into perspective, the allowance on Zoom for cattle-class is only 20kg so I had 47kg in actual fact which isn't *that* bad (considering the number of clothes and shoes in there).

Flight wasn't too bad but I can never get comfy and sleep properly on planes. Watched a good film on the flight, Juno, which was quite amusing and moving. Think I dozed through the rest of the flight so didn't get to see any other films.

Finally got back home on Sunday quite tired, jet-lagged and hungry (you don't get much to eat on these flights). And at that point I think I'll leave it there and post again when I've collected my thoughts on being back home!

Red wine 1, cookies and liver 0

I'm going to have such a bad head in the morning!

So far it seems that red wine is beating my usually fairly efficient liver, even though it's getting some help from the sultana and oat cookies and spaghetti I had for tea! All quite sureal really ..., I've got "My Fair Lady" on the TV in the background - I love the quote from this film: "I'm a good girl, oi am" ... I say this all the time because that's what I think I am!

How strange, I'm really not with it but I can still type reasonably well and fast even though I'm writing absolute garbage!

You know, I'd be washing down the hormone tablets with the red wine if I had any to hand!

Oh ****

Okay, maybe not such a big deal but it's just something to add to the pile of things to be upset about. Tried to get some more shoes and couldn't because they don't do size 11US in Canada! So there is no chance that I can get myself some new shoes.

And I can't find any clothes to match the skirts that I bought and I feel (and am) fat, and I don't look right how I want and everything is just wrong! Not happy bunny at the moment and not drunk enough by half!

Shoes, shoes, and ... oh damn!

So, I went for another very quick shopping trip after work yesterday ... this was to get a few bits and pieces and presents for family from my Vancouver trip. I also wanted to get some more tops in an attempt to get something to match with the skirts I got over the weekend.

But the most important thing I wanted to get was SHOES!

I LOVE shoes - preferably the high-heeled variety! I love boots even more (no, really? I hear you ask).

This time I wanted to go for something more sensible, slightly less on the height and also a blocky heel as I'm trying more for a casual look rather than completely dressy.

I'd set my heart on two pairs of shoes in Nine West which I was going to end up paying around $100 each for (much more than I've ever paid before) ... I worried that they may not have my size in stock ... there was no need for worry ... THEY DON'T DO MY SIZE AT ALL!

On the US website you can see size 11 for almost all of their shoes. In Canada the most they go up to is a size 10! I was shocked and not a happy bunny!

I left the mall with only a few purchases (the denim shorts being the highlight and I quite like those having tried them on now) and decided I needed to re-group for another offensive! So tonight I'm off shoe shopping again to another store that does claim to have US 11 sizes but it says these are like Euro 41 - which doesn't sound right at all; so I've still got my fingers crossed!

Annoying music downloads

I'm really quite annoyed.

I've been subscribed to eMusic for nearly 6months now and I've found quite alot of stuff on there that I like. I'm quite pleased that it's not the usual mainstream pop that you find in high street or on iTunes (not that I look on there) or Amazon. Reasonably pricing aswell, I pay £14.99 for 75 tracks per month (20p per track or about £2.60 per album).

But there is a catch: if you don't use your monthly allowance you lose it!

This annoyed me so much the last time I signed up to eMusic that I cancelled after only a few months - I didn't lose out at any point it just made it really awkward to use, having to keep track of albums that I'd half downloaded etc.

This time I have been caught out - I thought I had 1 day left so I logged on to use up available credit only to see my account had already been refreshed. Damn, I was sure that I had 1day left, mainly because the audiobook subscription I have with eMusic started on the same day and it hadn't refreshed yet!

Even more annoying is that I filled in the online form to question this and the standard automated reply actually gives several fairly useless pieces of advice and then states that you need to REPLY to this e-mail to actually get some real response - not what you expect! So having replied and got a reference number I STILL haven't had anything back from customer services and no sign of my account been credited!

So with me on the verge of cancelling my accounts or good (which may be worth it as in a few months they'll likely offer me 50 free downloads to come back again) I thought I'd look around for alternatives.

I did really like Allofmp3 as they were cheap, easy to use, had a good catalog of music but they were effectively closed down by the RIAA and related parasitic organisations last year and haven't really re-surfaced, there's more info on Wikipedia's Allofmp3 page.

There is mp3fiesta which I may give a go at some point but it doesn't look like it's carrying the same useful information that you could find on Allofmp3, namely related artists and other links that allowed you to find my music you might like.

It occurs to me at a time when the likes of Phorm can harvest your browsing habits and sell this to advertisers that the music industry has shot itself in the foot somewhat by not trying to make a deal with the supposed 'illegal' download sites in Russia.

So instead of actually trying to come up with novel ways to make money they just try and stomp on the 'competition' and limit the choice for the consumer to completely over-priced options such as iTunes and the new Amazon service.

Hopefully more artists will realise that they can cut out the middle man and do what the likes of Radiohead, Trent Reznor and even Tasmin Little have done and provide a product to consumers that is reasonably priced and accessible ... at which point we'll likely see a resurgence of sites like Allofmp3 and even the original mp3.com where artists can market and sell their music without losing out.

From WOW, WOW, WOW to OW, OW, OW

High heels hurt! If you go wandering round for a whole afternoon in 3" heels your feet will hurt like goodness knows what! I speak from experience!

So, my plan for today was to go shopping and spend as much of the day in TGirl heaven as is possible! Well to be honest it takes me a while to get everything sorted out for a trip out so I had to do the following first:

• Bath, wash hair, etc
• Run the epilator over my legs (the first burst of pain for today)
• Make-up
  

I was actually quite happy with the make-up in the end, I had some sparkly eye-shadow from The Body Shop in a dark purple and also a bright silver. I also managed to get reasonably straight lines with liquid eye-liner (this is *really* hard to put on!) and I've got some nice Clinique mascara to finish it off properly. See what you think:
Then it was time to pick an outfit - that took a while as well! Settled on purple silk top, black skirt, brown boots. I'm still not sure about the skirt too be honest, not sure it looks that good really but it was the only decent skirt I had (the others were a little short).

Anyway, I wandered through the mall here, bought phone credit (silly phones over here actually time-out credit after 1month!), and then took the SkyTrain over to Metropolis (the big mall in Vancouver) and had a good look round there. The place was packed though and eventually had to try and get some food (yummy sushi).

Even by then I was getting tired - hard floors, lots walking around! Hadn't really found much to buy either - I think it really wasn't a good shopping day OR I needed a girl friend along to help! Anyway, finally found some things I liked and tried them on with 50% success rate.

Was going to try and find shoes to go with the outfits but couldn't see anything I liked in Nine West so decided enough was enough! Feet really tired by this point ... then I had to go to the grocery store on the way back to get more fruit juice (I don't drink anything else) and that was sooo much weight to carry back.

Finally got back to the hotel and just dropped!

Anyway, sucessful shop and now I need to get to bed (after removing the beautifully painted make-up) and prepare for a long bike ride tomorrow that will hopefully help keep the figure in trim!

Night, night all.