In a galaxy far far away ... (chapter IV)

Okay, about time I explained a bit about how I got into the complicated life I have today! And it seems apt that I do it with a Star Wars theme as the prequels aren't really that relevant and I'll have to knock up some special effects to make them exciting.

So, it's 2006, I'd been going through the whole purging cycle for the past few months and still very much in the depths of denial, in fact January sees me acting completely normal with plenty of work things to keep me occupied, in fact was over in NZ for 2 weeks busily working away and I find out I'm going to be back in the UK for 1 week and then away in Utah for 3 and I need to sort out my passport (had less than 6months to run) when I get back.

I don't know why but when I got back to the UK something in my head went ping and all of a sudden I had the most desperate urge to go buy a load of clothes and just get dressed up! So I did - on my way over to Liverpool to get the passport sorted! I also made the concious decision that, this time, no purging, I was going to see this out until the bitter end and figure it out once and for all!

I really don't know why I suddenly snapped like that, and I'm not sure what made me decide to move forward with the whole crossdressing (since that's all it was at that point) thing, but that is the point where life changed I guess.

I also probably did was of the stupidest and, at the time embarassing, things in my life; I'd just bought, among other things, a pair of boots and for some reason I decided it would be a fun idea to drive to Liverpool in these, walk to the passport office, then walk all the way into Liverpool city centre, still wearing boots with a 2" heel which I wasn't at all practised in walking in!

I also believe these boots were magical: they had a special curse on them which amplified the walking sound to almost deafening levels! I even got wolf-whistles and a few rowdy comments from some builders along the way (bear in mind that I'm in bob-mode here, apart from the boots under my jeans).

Okay, finally got to the city centre and got the boots off - too embarassing and uncomfortable (though I have to say they fit perfectly now, having had the intensive wearing-in session). I bought a load more clothes (fairly randomly) as well as a pair of maroon boots and then it was back home to surreptitiously park all this into my suitcase without anyone noticing. Then off to Utah.

While there I bought more clothes and started reading, and posting on various forums and even started posting pictures of myself (alot of these are still on Flickr, right at the beginning, and are pretty hideous).

I was still pretty much in the closet and very naive and inexperienced with everything about the transgender issues and had no real idea yet what was going on, though, as I continued to have trips away and the opportunity to experiment with clothes, make-up and got more feedback from my pictures*, I was beginning to realise that this wasn't going to go away and it was something that couldn't stay hidden either!

So, around about the middle of the year I decided that I had to confess all to my wife of 5years in the naive expectation that this was the right thing to do and, in the long run would all be fine and we'd all live happily ever after; though I can see now that even in this rose-tinted world I hadn't really thought what would happen.

And it was nothing like I imagined at all, in fact the complete opposite!

So I'll save all the gory details to the next chapter, it's kinda like Empire Strikes back in many ways; more pain and suffering though I don't believe anyone actually got frozen in carbonite, well, maybe metaphorically!