Not much to say about this, have a listen for yourselves:
Sarah McLachlan, Fallen
Showing posts with label end. Show all posts
Showing posts with label end. Show all posts
Tuesday, 15 April 2008
Saturday, 12 April 2008
How do you write a blog when ...
... you *KNOW* people are reading it?
I don't know how other people write blogs and who they think about when they do this but I suspect, like myself, they are essentially writing to themselves for the sake of it. Alot of blog content seems, and again I'm no exception here, to be self-indulgent and written in such a way that you can almost imagine the author is quite proud of the complex grammar, concepts, or content that they have so eloquently (I love that word) crafted.
It's very easy to just write garbage and describe fanciful ideas, feelings, or interpretations of the world with little thought for the consequences; the worst that can really happen is someone will leave a nasty comment, which can easily be ignored.
However, I now know that certain people have and are reading this blog and not only could they leave, quite justifiably, harsh criticism they could even phone me up or see me face to face to say what they think.
So how can I continue to write what I think, feel, or experience without even some consideration in the back of my mind about what affect this might have? Should I be immune to the consequences? Maybe, so far, I've just been lucky that no-one has really bothered to read this blog so the wider internet haven't really got stuck in with the nasty comments? Maybe what I write SHOULD be questioned by both the people that know me and the rest of the free world (I guess if I simply mention the word "Tibet" I'm pretty much certain to get myself on the Great Firewall of China blacklist).
I don't really have the answers on this one so I'm open to suggestions. I'm also open to criticism - if anyone, whether I know them or not, feels that I'm a complete idiot and I'm wrecking the lives of my family and myself then please post comments to that effect!
[ Sorry, it just struck me that there is a certain irony in asking for critical comments about my real life, from real people, in such an unreal way ]
I don't know how other people write blogs and who they think about when they do this but I suspect, like myself, they are essentially writing to themselves for the sake of it. Alot of blog content seems, and again I'm no exception here, to be self-indulgent and written in such a way that you can almost imagine the author is quite proud of the complex grammar, concepts, or content that they have so eloquently (I love that word) crafted.
It's very easy to just write garbage and describe fanciful ideas, feelings, or interpretations of the world with little thought for the consequences; the worst that can really happen is someone will leave a nasty comment, which can easily be ignored.
However, I now know that certain people have and are reading this blog and not only could they leave, quite justifiably, harsh criticism they could even phone me up or see me face to face to say what they think.
So how can I continue to write what I think, feel, or experience without even some consideration in the back of my mind about what affect this might have? Should I be immune to the consequences? Maybe, so far, I've just been lucky that no-one has really bothered to read this blog so the wider internet haven't really got stuck in with the nasty comments? Maybe what I write SHOULD be questioned by both the people that know me and the rest of the free world (I guess if I simply mention the word "Tibet" I'm pretty much certain to get myself on the Great Firewall of China blacklist).
I don't really have the answers on this one so I'm open to suggestions. I'm also open to criticism - if anyone, whether I know them or not, feels that I'm a complete idiot and I'm wrecking the lives of my family and myself then please post comments to that effect!
[ Sorry, it just struck me that there is a certain irony in asking for critical comments about my real life, from real people, in such an unreal way ]
Thursday, 10 April 2008
Moving house part two
I had intended to write an update earlier in the week but with one thing and another I didn't get round to it, apologies to anyone that cares :D
So here is a quick catch up and what has been happening regarding the moving house. On Monday evening I went to look again at the flat I was thinking of buying and took some pictures and tried to figure out how much space there is (or isn't in this case) and whether I could fit everything in. It would be VERY tight is the conclusion I came to, there really isn't alot of space in these flats, though to be fair, for a normal first time buyer with no accumulation of furniture and personal possessions they are probably ideal.
The other thing that was worrying me about these flats was the "Easi-buy" option (which I'd likely have to take) where they give you a 10year interest free loan for a portion of the total purchase price. I didn't like the idea of having this hanging over me, particularly with the way the house market is at the moment and the fact that the finances would be really stretched.
On top of all that they have a maintenance fee that covers lease, outside up-keep, repairs as well as all of your utility bills. The rather patronizing sales lady said that she thought that this amount was "competitive" and would not be likely to rise as soon as I moved in when asked about the possibility of changes due to fuel cost increases. She said all of those details were in the contract - hmmm, not liking the sound of this at all!
Anyway, within about 24hours I'd convinced myself (after comments from an online friend and lots of thinking) that buying was NOT the way to go and renting would be a much safer option for now AND from a little bit of searching it seemed that there are some nice places available within the sort of price I could afford.
My wife was NOT happy with this change of direction and accused me of being "selfish" and only going this route because it suited me. I did try and point out that the advice from C and H was to rent in the first place and that I only really went down the buying route because I didn't think I could afford to rent. Looks like I might be able to after all.
In the end things calmed down a little and my wife simply said I just had to make a decision about what I was doing an sort myself out. Hopefully I can do this next week when I'm on holiday and should have the time to go look at flats and sort out all the details.
So here is a quick catch up and what has been happening regarding the moving house. On Monday evening I went to look again at the flat I was thinking of buying and took some pictures and tried to figure out how much space there is (or isn't in this case) and whether I could fit everything in. It would be VERY tight is the conclusion I came to, there really isn't alot of space in these flats, though to be fair, for a normal first time buyer with no accumulation of furniture and personal possessions they are probably ideal.
The other thing that was worrying me about these flats was the "Easi-buy" option (which I'd likely have to take) where they give you a 10year interest free loan for a portion of the total purchase price. I didn't like the idea of having this hanging over me, particularly with the way the house market is at the moment and the fact that the finances would be really stretched.
On top of all that they have a maintenance fee that covers lease, outside up-keep, repairs as well as all of your utility bills. The rather patronizing sales lady said that she thought that this amount was "competitive" and would not be likely to rise as soon as I moved in when asked about the possibility of changes due to fuel cost increases. She said all of those details were in the contract - hmmm, not liking the sound of this at all!
Anyway, within about 24hours I'd convinced myself (after comments from an online friend and lots of thinking) that buying was NOT the way to go and renting would be a much safer option for now AND from a little bit of searching it seemed that there are some nice places available within the sort of price I could afford.
My wife was NOT happy with this change of direction and accused me of being "selfish" and only going this route because it suited me. I did try and point out that the advice from C and H was to rent in the first place and that I only really went down the buying route because I didn't think I could afford to rent. Looks like I might be able to after all.
In the end things calmed down a little and my wife simply said I just had to make a decision about what I was doing an sort myself out. Hopefully I can do this next week when I'm on holiday and should have the time to go look at flats and sort out all the details.
Monday, 7 April 2008
Moving house?
Saturday was, in the end a pretty reasonable day and the house got a little tidier and more organised and I made a start on trying to eBay a few items to bring in a bit of money ... I didn't actually get as far as putting anything on eBay but at least a made a start :D
Sunday was a little more rocky with arguments over the prospect of having to extend our current mortgage to use the equity in the house to afford a place for me to move to - renting really isn't feasible given the debts we have. My wife didn't understand any of this and had a go at me for not explaining to her about the 10 year fixed mortgage on the current house, she believed it was 5 years.
Anyway, things calmed down a little so we went to have a look at some new flats that you can get on this "Easi-buy" (why are people obsessed with spelling things wrong?) which makes them much more affordable given our tight finances (basically I'll be paying two mortgages and sets of bills). There are a few conditions on buying this way and also, for these flats, the service charge is quite alot (£130/month) but this is meant to include gas, electric, water, insurance (buildings only) and maintenance - the management company still likely make a tidy profit, but at least the costs are fixed.
The flats (there were still 3 available when we looked, all identical but different views of the surrounding building sites) are quite funky; only one bedroom but that, along with the bathroom, is on the bottom floor (and in this case, that's already on 1 level of a 3 storey building - there is a flat below) then there are stairs up to the living area which is open plan. It's not big but it would fit some cupboards, a small table, sofa and a TV along with maybe a book shelf without too much trouble.
The sales woman also pointed out a few stylish, but essentially useless points, the first being what he called a "Juiliet Balcony" - full length french doors with a metal frame outside. Of course this did get me thinking about what outfit would be suitable for wearing while standing in a suitably shakepearian pose and pleading to the world (other flats and remaining building site) to know where my true love was (I hate to think what answers I'd get back, "shut up" would be the nicest I could hope for I guess).
The other style item actually may prove useful with a little modification; there is a wide (maybe 60cm) beam over the top of the kitchen area and running the full width of the room. At this point the ceiling of the room is at it's highest point - probably a good 4ft (sorry to mix measuring systems there) higher then the lowest point. Essentially this gives about a 10ft long shelf at the back of the room and it would be feasible (given a ladder) to reach this shelf and even mount cupboards/shelves on this beam to increase the storage quite considerably. It would be kind of like a visible loft in many respects.
I did even wonder about a nice wooden ladder similar to those in libraries with wheels that could run along the full length of the beam! At the very least so some sort of access to this otherwise wasted space might help out. Certainly I did start to wonder about the possible wardrobe space in the adequate, but tight, bedroom! Need to go back and figure out the layout!
One more point - we looked in all three of these flats and at one point had two opposite each other unlocked; my son thought this was fab and was running between them and upstairs and was really taken with the idea of a bedroom downstairs! Sadly he did voice his desire to live with Daddy instead of Mummy but, we did both agree that this was entirely down to the fun he thought he could have running up and downstairs! Probably wouldn't be the same when the bedroom has a double bed and a whole wall full of wardrobes stuff with dresses, shoes etc!
Sunday was a little more rocky with arguments over the prospect of having to extend our current mortgage to use the equity in the house to afford a place for me to move to - renting really isn't feasible given the debts we have. My wife didn't understand any of this and had a go at me for not explaining to her about the 10 year fixed mortgage on the current house, she believed it was 5 years.
Anyway, things calmed down a little so we went to have a look at some new flats that you can get on this "Easi-buy" (why are people obsessed with spelling things wrong?) which makes them much more affordable given our tight finances (basically I'll be paying two mortgages and sets of bills). There are a few conditions on buying this way and also, for these flats, the service charge is quite alot (£130/month) but this is meant to include gas, electric, water, insurance (buildings only) and maintenance - the management company still likely make a tidy profit, but at least the costs are fixed.
The flats (there were still 3 available when we looked, all identical but different views of the surrounding building sites) are quite funky; only one bedroom but that, along with the bathroom, is on the bottom floor (and in this case, that's already on 1 level of a 3 storey building - there is a flat below) then there are stairs up to the living area which is open plan. It's not big but it would fit some cupboards, a small table, sofa and a TV along with maybe a book shelf without too much trouble.
The sales woman also pointed out a few stylish, but essentially useless points, the first being what he called a "Juiliet Balcony" - full length french doors with a metal frame outside. Of course this did get me thinking about what outfit would be suitable for wearing while standing in a suitably shakepearian pose and pleading to the world (other flats and remaining building site) to know where my true love was (I hate to think what answers I'd get back, "shut up" would be the nicest I could hope for I guess).
The other style item actually may prove useful with a little modification; there is a wide (maybe 60cm) beam over the top of the kitchen area and running the full width of the room. At this point the ceiling of the room is at it's highest point - probably a good 4ft (sorry to mix measuring systems there) higher then the lowest point. Essentially this gives about a 10ft long shelf at the back of the room and it would be feasible (given a ladder) to reach this shelf and even mount cupboards/shelves on this beam to increase the storage quite considerably. It would be kind of like a visible loft in many respects.
I did even wonder about a nice wooden ladder similar to those in libraries with wheels that could run along the full length of the beam! At the very least so some sort of access to this otherwise wasted space might help out. Certainly I did start to wonder about the possible wardrobe space in the adequate, but tight, bedroom! Need to go back and figure out the layout!
One more point - we looked in all three of these flats and at one point had two opposite each other unlocked; my son thought this was fab and was running between them and upstairs and was really taken with the idea of a bedroom downstairs! Sadly he did voice his desire to live with Daddy instead of Mummy but, we did both agree that this was entirely down to the fun he thought he could have running up and downstairs! Probably wouldn't be the same when the bedroom has a double bed and a whole wall full of wardrobes stuff with dresses, shoes etc!
Friday, 4 April 2008
A horrible way to sober up
Well, actually I did sober up over the course of the day anyway though I still feel very tired (no, I don't want sympathy, it was self-inflicted drunkeness!)
I had to tell my wife that I will not be going to Vancouver now, the project is cutting back and there is essentially no budget for myself and several other people. This, in a work sense, isn't too surprising or worrying, given the point in the project lifecycle it's understandable that they would do this.
However, my wife was not happy about this at all and essentially she still wants me out of the house by the 26th April (when I was meant to be flying out to Canada) and it's entirely my problem where I stay etc. She suggested the friend C had mentioned who had a house she was trying to sell but I don't think I would get in there given the very small amount of money I can afford for rent.
My wife suggested that we sell the house then which I said was a crazy idea as the market is terrible at the moment and things just aren't moving so we would likely get nowhere near the value of the house in the event that it did actually go. This would ultimately mean we'd all suffer as we wouldn't be able to buy new accommodation!
So, I think I'll stay in the office for a while until my wife has had chance to calm down.
I had to tell my wife that I will not be going to Vancouver now, the project is cutting back and there is essentially no budget for myself and several other people. This, in a work sense, isn't too surprising or worrying, given the point in the project lifecycle it's understandable that they would do this.
However, my wife was not happy about this at all and essentially she still wants me out of the house by the 26th April (when I was meant to be flying out to Canada) and it's entirely my problem where I stay etc. She suggested the friend C had mentioned who had a house she was trying to sell but I don't think I would get in there given the very small amount of money I can afford for rent.
My wife suggested that we sell the house then which I said was a crazy idea as the market is terrible at the moment and things just aren't moving so we would likely get nowhere near the value of the house in the event that it did actually go. This would ultimately mean we'd all suffer as we wouldn't be able to buy new accommodation!
So, I think I'll stay in the office for a while until my wife has had chance to calm down.
Wednesday, 2 April 2008
I'm getting a bit seasick!
Everything is constantly going up and down, there is little consistency in how well/badly things are going at the moment!
I thought we had things sorted out last night, we had a plan and we had some agreement about what was going on and we were even being civil to each other. This morning seemed to be much of the same though my wife was a little testy about the fact that I didn't help as much as I could get our son ready for school.
I'm torn as to whether this was a fair point; on one hand I had stayed away
as my son is struggling to eat breakfast and I generally want him to manage it all himself and I offer no help - and he whinges and whines and I don't really help matters. On the other hand I did sit or 30mins writing a blog entry (didn't want to wait 'till I got to work) when I could have been getting myself dressed and sorted out.
I got back late tonight (around 7pm) as I'd ended up trying to finish off some work (did get distracted with talking to S as well though) and I didn't txt/phone till just before I left. Anyway my wife didn't seem too bothered by this.
She asked me about the trip to Vancouver and was suspicious of the response; that I still didn't know yet, she thought I was just "stringing her along". I said they are still deciding and it is a bit up in the air over there at the moment (projects, budgets, people, etc), but I'd let her know as soon as I know.
She then started saying that I needed to redirect my mail once I knew that I was going - it could be sent to my parents place she said and they could forward it. I misunderstood and thought that she wanted me to do that straight-away or when I moved out. Anyway I said that all of it would likely be bills anyway so they were probably better coming here - she started to get upset and said that we were meant to be separated and something about the tax credits.
[ Oh, at some point in the conversation above she mentioned that I should cut my nails - they are certainly getting long now so difficult NOT to notice, on the other hand - pun not intended - we are separated, why should I cut my nails! ]
I said that I thought "separated" could apply if we simply slept in different beds so there should be no problems as far as the tax man was concerned. At which point she said she had a headache and was tired and didn't want to talk about this.
I'm a little annoyed that, from what I thought yesterday (see this mornings post), my wife has reverted so quickly to wanting to push me out and away and to rub out all trace of my existence and link to the house.
My wife would likely say that she is getting annoyed/upset because she is tired, has had a hard day at work, and that it's her time of the month (this apparently gives her the right to be psychotic - yes, I know it isn't pleasant and does make you feel like crap but after so many years of this you'd think a trip to the doctor to try and get something to make it less traumatic might be in order?).
Sorry, I'm just a bit miffed to now be facing "nasty" wife again when I thought we were trying to be civil to each other.
I thought we had things sorted out last night, we had a plan and we had some agreement about what was going on and we were even being civil to each other. This morning seemed to be much of the same though my wife was a little testy about the fact that I didn't help as much as I could get our son ready for school.
I'm torn as to whether this was a fair point; on one hand I had stayed away
as my son is struggling to eat breakfast and I generally want him to manage it all himself and I offer no help - and he whinges and whines and I don't really help matters. On the other hand I did sit or 30mins writing a blog entry (didn't want to wait 'till I got to work) when I could have been getting myself dressed and sorted out.
I got back late tonight (around 7pm) as I'd ended up trying to finish off some work (did get distracted with talking to S as well though) and I didn't txt/phone till just before I left. Anyway my wife didn't seem too bothered by this.
She asked me about the trip to Vancouver and was suspicious of the response; that I still didn't know yet, she thought I was just "stringing her along". I said they are still deciding and it is a bit up in the air over there at the moment (projects, budgets, people, etc), but I'd let her know as soon as I know.
She then started saying that I needed to redirect my mail once I knew that I was going - it could be sent to my parents place she said and they could forward it. I misunderstood and thought that she wanted me to do that straight-away or when I moved out. Anyway I said that all of it would likely be bills anyway so they were probably better coming here - she started to get upset and said that we were meant to be separated and something about the tax credits.
[ Oh, at some point in the conversation above she mentioned that I should cut my nails - they are certainly getting long now so difficult NOT to notice, on the other hand - pun not intended - we are separated, why should I cut my nails! ]
I said that I thought "separated" could apply if we simply slept in different beds so there should be no problems as far as the tax man was concerned. At which point she said she had a headache and was tired and didn't want to talk about this.
I'm a little annoyed that, from what I thought yesterday (see this mornings post), my wife has reverted so quickly to wanting to push me out and away and to rub out all trace of my existence and link to the house.
My wife would likely say that she is getting annoyed/upset because she is tired, has had a hard day at work, and that it's her time of the month (this apparently gives her the right to be psychotic - yes, I know it isn't pleasant and does make you feel like crap but after so many years of this you'd think a trip to the doctor to try and get something to make it less traumatic might be in order?).
Sorry, I'm just a bit miffed to now be facing "nasty" wife again when I thought we were trying to be civil to each other.
My wife's view
I can't really know or fully understand what my wife thinks about me, what has happened, what could happen or what her feelings really are and the reasons behind everything. I think it's pretty safe to say that we are both bad at communication and that neither of us has fully listened or understood what the other has had to say.
Yesterday was a pretty horrible day and it involved shouting, screaming, sobbing and crying from my wife and me feeling confused, hurt, and frankly scared about what she or her family would do. I wrote a whole explanation in my private diary and even went as far as sharing this with a close friend "just in case" I was that concerned.
But C and her sister (legally trained) came down in the evening to talk to us both and mediate as well as provide my wife with much needed moral support. And as we were talking everything through it occurred to me that what may wife had said and done earlier in the day was in complete contrast to what she felt.
She had wanted me out, she didn't want me in the house or anywhere near her. I'd been trying to explain that that was what I was trying to do; I had looked into a 2nd mortgage, I'd looked at houses, I was going to look at some more. She still hated me for what I had done and just wanted nothing to do with me.
That's not it though. She didn't want me to be moving out, even though she wanted me to go away. She was hurt, angry, and confused that I was leaving and that, I guess, I was so ready to leave and was being practical about it all. She didn't want to lose me, or the family that we had, and more importantly the husband that she feels she once had but has now faded to be replaced by "the other woman" as she puts it.
So it seems, on reflection, that everything she said was "go away" but everything she felt was "please stay" (hmm, that rhymes, it could be lyrics from a song :D ).
Having C and her sister helped my wife understand a little better what I had been saying all along and gave me a chance to explain the bits that had been missing. What we discussed as a way forward also was less drastic and final that moving out into a 2nd property and also calmed things down quite a bit. We had a relatively civil time for the rest of the evening and my wife even made some 'jokes' about hormones and GRS (okay, neither topic is particularly funny, you had to be there at the time).
This goes back to something S said: Communication. If you've got it sorted then lots of problems can be avoided or discussed, when it breaks down on either side the nightmare scenarios begin.
C has been fantastic and hopefully can help my wife stay as calm as possible and understand what is going on in a way I can't put across. She has been completely even-handed about everything.
One interesting point before I go: clearly her sister is aware of the details since C said that I would have to stop spending money and my wife piped up that I needed to stop spending on dresses and shoes!
Yesterday was a pretty horrible day and it involved shouting, screaming, sobbing and crying from my wife and me feeling confused, hurt, and frankly scared about what she or her family would do. I wrote a whole explanation in my private diary and even went as far as sharing this with a close friend "just in case" I was that concerned.
But C and her sister (legally trained) came down in the evening to talk to us both and mediate as well as provide my wife with much needed moral support. And as we were talking everything through it occurred to me that what may wife had said and done earlier in the day was in complete contrast to what she felt.
She had wanted me out, she didn't want me in the house or anywhere near her. I'd been trying to explain that that was what I was trying to do; I had looked into a 2nd mortgage, I'd looked at houses, I was going to look at some more. She still hated me for what I had done and just wanted nothing to do with me.
That's not it though. She didn't want me to be moving out, even though she wanted me to go away. She was hurt, angry, and confused that I was leaving and that, I guess, I was so ready to leave and was being practical about it all. She didn't want to lose me, or the family that we had, and more importantly the husband that she feels she once had but has now faded to be replaced by "the other woman" as she puts it.
So it seems, on reflection, that everything she said was "go away" but everything she felt was "please stay" (hmm, that rhymes, it could be lyrics from a song :D ).
Having C and her sister helped my wife understand a little better what I had been saying all along and gave me a chance to explain the bits that had been missing. What we discussed as a way forward also was less drastic and final that moving out into a 2nd property and also calmed things down quite a bit. We had a relatively civil time for the rest of the evening and my wife even made some 'jokes' about hormones and GRS (okay, neither topic is particularly funny, you had to be there at the time).
This goes back to something S said: Communication. If you've got it sorted then lots of problems can be avoided or discussed, when it breaks down on either side the nightmare scenarios begin.
C has been fantastic and hopefully can help my wife stay as calm as possible and understand what is going on in a way I can't put across. She has been completely even-handed about everything.
One interesting point before I go: clearly her sister is aware of the details since C said that I would have to stop spending money and my wife piped up that I needed to stop spending on dresses and shoes!
Monday, 31 March 2008
The affect on my son
My son has always been quite awkward about getting up and getting ready for school - well mainly it's the eating breakfast bit, he is, with prompting okay about putting on his clothes and brushing his teeth etc.
This morning he was terribly slow and I was getting quite annoyed with him, though I didn't shout. In the end my wife and I decided that he'd stay at home and have a sleep. When she put him in bed he admitted that he'd been "tricking" us so we had a frantic dash to get ready for school.
In the mad rush I decided I wanted to know what was really going on so I sat him down to talk to him and ask what was bothering him. He eventually admitted that "Mummy and Daddy arguing" made him sad. I tried to explain to him that none of this was his fault and that both of us still loved him very much and we always would but that we had some things to sort out.
This is obviously not good and I'm not really sure how to help him through this and make him understand at least some of what is happening (the split, me going to work away, etc) so that he is not too upset.
Anyway, we got to school late (only a few mins) and, as my son entered the room he spotted his teacher and said:
"Miss *****, you've forgotten ME!"
I looked at his teacher and said what both of us were thinking: "No-one could forget you, son".
This morning he was terribly slow and I was getting quite annoyed with him, though I didn't shout. In the end my wife and I decided that he'd stay at home and have a sleep. When she put him in bed he admitted that he'd been "tricking" us so we had a frantic dash to get ready for school.
In the mad rush I decided I wanted to know what was really going on so I sat him down to talk to him and ask what was bothering him. He eventually admitted that "Mummy and Daddy arguing" made him sad. I tried to explain to him that none of this was his fault and that both of us still loved him very much and we always would but that we had some things to sort out.
This is obviously not good and I'm not really sure how to help him through this and make him understand at least some of what is happening (the split, me going to work away, etc) so that he is not too upset.
Anyway, we got to school late (only a few mins) and, as my son entered the room he spotted his teacher and said:
"Miss *****, you've forgotten ME!"
I looked at his teacher and said what both of us were thinking: "No-one could forget you, son".
Sunday, 30 March 2008
The end: it's official
I thought I'd have this as a separate post for dramatic impact and clarity.
My wife said tonight that, we were officially separated 2 weeks ago so that I no longer have to wear my wedding ring.
Tonight at around 23:15 I removed my wedding ring and put it on my right hand because I'm not entirely sure what to do with it. I use to think I needed to get a chain for it as it has always been pretty lose and I didn't want to lose it. I may still do this or just find somewhere to keep it safe. I won't be throwing it away or destroying it or anything like that.
I updated Facebook to say "Single" ... strangely this was a harder and more telling thing to do than removing my wedding ring.
My wife said tonight that, we were officially separated 2 weeks ago so that I no longer have to wear my wedding ring.
Tonight at around 23:15 I removed my wedding ring and put it on my right hand because I'm not entirely sure what to do with it. I use to think I needed to get a chain for it as it has always been pretty lose and I didn't want to lose it. I may still do this or just find somewhere to keep it safe. I won't be throwing it away or destroying it or anything like that.
I updated Facebook to say "Single" ... strangely this was a harder and more telling thing to do than removing my wedding ring.
My fault
Well, it probably is my fault. My wife certainly sees it that way.
We talked about some practical things and seem to be agreed on those. The finances still need some working on and I guess we need to consider different scenarios about the house and such but there doesn't seem to be anything in the short term that should be a big problem while I am away in Vancouver (assuming I'm going there).
However, I am (and I've always wanted to use this phrase but didn't expect it would apply to me or these circumstance): persona non gratia and am not 'allowed' back in this house once I fly out at the end of April - and even that is too far away apparently. My wife wanted the keys back as well but I said that I would keep one set of keys, make no copies, and agree to only enter the house if I have my wife's 'permission'.
I really need to think about all of this and maybe get some legal advice to see where I really do stand.
My wife is also adamant that my son must not be "influenced" or "groomed" for some TG lifestyle and non of my "friends" (of the TG persuasion - though I did point out that TS would probably be fine as they are not likely to be obvious "weirdos") should be around when he is with me. Also I need to "cut my nails" and not show any signs of TGism. Maybe I need to seek legal advice on this as well, though I have no intention of giving any bias to my son's upbringing, I have made my choices and he should be free to make his as well.
I did try and point out that I wouldn't want to outright lie to my son if he asked my views on a topic (my wife started getting more upset at this point) but I would not be encouraging him and certainly wouldn't even be covering any of this until he was much older - my limit on age is a bit lower that my wife's; I'm thinking early teens (when these questions come up) and she stated 18 which is probably a little late.
We seemed to finish the discussion relatively amicably though my wife is still not happy about the keys situation.
We talked about some practical things and seem to be agreed on those. The finances still need some working on and I guess we need to consider different scenarios about the house and such but there doesn't seem to be anything in the short term that should be a big problem while I am away in Vancouver (assuming I'm going there).
However, I am (and I've always wanted to use this phrase but didn't expect it would apply to me or these circumstance): persona non gratia and am not 'allowed' back in this house once I fly out at the end of April - and even that is too far away apparently. My wife wanted the keys back as well but I said that I would keep one set of keys, make no copies, and agree to only enter the house if I have my wife's 'permission'.
I really need to think about all of this and maybe get some legal advice to see where I really do stand.
My wife is also adamant that my son must not be "influenced" or "groomed" for some TG lifestyle and non of my "friends" (of the TG persuasion - though I did point out that TS would probably be fine as they are not likely to be obvious "weirdos") should be around when he is with me. Also I need to "cut my nails" and not show any signs of TGism. Maybe I need to seek legal advice on this as well, though I have no intention of giving any bias to my son's upbringing, I have made my choices and he should be free to make his as well.
I did try and point out that I wouldn't want to outright lie to my son if he asked my views on a topic (my wife started getting more upset at this point) but I would not be encouraging him and certainly wouldn't even be covering any of this until he was much older - my limit on age is a bit lower that my wife's; I'm thinking early teens (when these questions come up) and she stated 18 which is probably a little late.
We seemed to finish the discussion relatively amicably though my wife is still not happy about the keys situation.
Monday, 24 March 2008
Grooming
I am stupid.
There, I've said it. People have hinted at it, maybe other words have been used, a good friend of mine in school once said that I "say a lot of rubbish but every now and then say something really important" which was actually pretty sweet but sadly 100% accurate and therefore tantamount (always wanted to write that in a sentence) to "stupid" anyway.
Why am I stupid I don't hear you ask? (Is this really rhetorical with a negative in it?) Well teh current reason is that I have attempted to talk too much about things. I've never really got to grips with keeping surprises (secrets I'm 100% water-tight on, since 1. I like to see people happy so don't go blabbing things that upset them and 2. I often forget secrets, or at least put them to the back of my mind).
Where was I, oh yes, surprises and things about me and things I'm interested in or find amusing, or quirky. I just LOVE to talk/chat/gossip and I don't mind setting myself up to be the butt of a joke or, what I see as a humourous scenario. What's worse is this extends pretty much to ANYTHING I've done or do and I have no concept of filtering things.
So, when I felt that I was being interesting in telling my wife that one of my friends at work had some alternative extra-curricula activities (I know this person may read this blog; don't worry, nothing 'important' was divulged, all secrets are still safe, you were just being used as an example of how naive I am) this was not filed in the same way I view this sort of information.
It was then linked to the next piece of prime stupidity which was to tell my wife that this friend and I had been to dinner; all perfectly innocent, we've had dinner before (and I've made no secret of that ... I love food and drink, and I love to have these with friends). The only difference this time was I was in Fiona mode (sorry, geekisms unfortunately creep in, "mode" indeed!).
Link that to the first piece of information and we arrive at the following two words:
Grooming
Encouraging
Apparently this friend of mine is "encouraging" me to do more Fiona things. No she is not. Absolutely not ... other Friends *are* (but only in the sense that they are interested in the same things; clothes, shopping, shoes, etc) but this particular friend isn't, she just has a very broad range of life experience and my little 'hobby' is minor by comparison.
The "grooming" bit, which I particularly disliked due to the sexual-deviant overtones (given the frequent usage of this word in the context of sex offenders), is due to what was perceived as my constant discussions on topics related to gender, sexuality, and related areas. Apparently I was "grooming" my wife to accept my lifestyle and behaviours.
I won't deny that, over the past 2years I've wanted acceptance and understanding and even involvement, and I can certainly see that I've gone on about things quite alot, too much by the sounds of it. But I see "grooming" as a rather offensive term, one which sounds like it came from either spontaneous angry or from a more lengthy discussion over the weekend between my wife and her family. Or it could be part of the general paranoia about me that I twist things and try and put my wife down.
For the record I'm not that clever. I can't twist things as I generally don't remember enough details! I'm also not smart enough for anything too convoluted or dastardly and generally judt trundle through life trying to enjoy myself!
There, I've said it. People have hinted at it, maybe other words have been used, a good friend of mine in school once said that I "say a lot of rubbish but every now and then say something really important" which was actually pretty sweet but sadly 100% accurate and therefore tantamount (always wanted to write that in a sentence) to "stupid" anyway.
Why am I stupid I don't hear you ask? (Is this really rhetorical with a negative in it?) Well teh current reason is that I have attempted to talk too much about things. I've never really got to grips with keeping surprises (secrets I'm 100% water-tight on, since 1. I like to see people happy so don't go blabbing things that upset them and 2. I often forget secrets, or at least put them to the back of my mind).
Where was I, oh yes, surprises and things about me and things I'm interested in or find amusing, or quirky. I just LOVE to talk/chat/gossip and I don't mind setting myself up to be the butt of a joke or, what I see as a humourous scenario. What's worse is this extends pretty much to ANYTHING I've done or do and I have no concept of filtering things.
So, when I felt that I was being interesting in telling my wife that one of my friends at work had some alternative extra-curricula activities (I know this person may read this blog; don't worry, nothing 'important' was divulged, all secrets are still safe, you were just being used as an example of how naive I am) this was not filed in the same way I view this sort of information.
It was then linked to the next piece of prime stupidity which was to tell my wife that this friend and I had been to dinner; all perfectly innocent, we've had dinner before (and I've made no secret of that ... I love food and drink, and I love to have these with friends). The only difference this time was I was in Fiona mode (sorry, geekisms unfortunately creep in, "mode" indeed!).
Link that to the first piece of information and we arrive at the following two words:
Grooming
Encouraging
Apparently this friend of mine is "encouraging" me to do more Fiona things. No she is not. Absolutely not ... other Friends *are* (but only in the sense that they are interested in the same things; clothes, shopping, shoes, etc) but this particular friend isn't, she just has a very broad range of life experience and my little 'hobby' is minor by comparison.
The "grooming" bit, which I particularly disliked due to the sexual-deviant overtones (given the frequent usage of this word in the context of sex offenders), is due to what was perceived as my constant discussions on topics related to gender, sexuality, and related areas. Apparently I was "grooming" my wife to accept my lifestyle and behaviours.
I won't deny that, over the past 2years I've wanted acceptance and understanding and even involvement, and I can certainly see that I've gone on about things quite alot, too much by the sounds of it. But I see "grooming" as a rather offensive term, one which sounds like it came from either spontaneous angry or from a more lengthy discussion over the weekend between my wife and her family. Or it could be part of the general paranoia about me that I twist things and try and put my wife down.
For the record I'm not that clever. I can't twist things as I generally don't remember enough details! I'm also not smart enough for anything too convoluted or dastardly and generally judt trundle through life trying to enjoy myself!
Friday, 21 March 2008
What you lose
Support. Understanding. Choice. Freedom.
(If only the last one could have begun with 'K' then it would have been S.U.C.K)
My wife is travelling down to her parents with our son, I'm remaining up here at home (correction, "house", this is no longer my "home" I'm told). Traffic permitting she will be there in a few hours at which point my in-laws will know that the marriage is over. They'll probably also know that I have continued with the Fiona activities even though they were, to the best of my knowledge, blissfully unaware of this.
I just talked to my parents (well my Mum) and it seems that the unquestioning support is not really to be found there either. They were shocked at the amount of clothes that I had left with them (having moved them out of here for "safety" reasons) and my Dad was apparently questioning how I could spend so much when the money could have been used on the house or other things for my wife and son.
I guess I'm selfish.
So, lets have a look at the scores here shall we:
Against:
For:
So, not looking good really. Not sure where I fall either; for, against, or somewhere in between. Maybe not enough time for self-pity, must get some painting done.
(If only the last one could have begun with 'K' then it would have been S.U.C.K)
My wife is travelling down to her parents with our son, I'm remaining up here at home (correction, "house", this is no longer my "home" I'm told). Traffic permitting she will be there in a few hours at which point my in-laws will know that the marriage is over. They'll probably also know that I have continued with the Fiona activities even though they were, to the best of my knowledge, blissfully unaware of this.
I just talked to my parents (well my Mum) and it seems that the unquestioning support is not really to be found there either. They were shocked at the amount of clothes that I had left with them (having moved them out of here for "safety" reasons) and my Dad was apparently questioning how I could spend so much when the money could have been used on the house or other things for my wife and son.
I guess I'm selfish.
So, lets have a look at the scores here shall we:
Against:
- Wife
- In-laws
- My parents (this may seem a tad unfair, they are at least still talking to me and trying to help in anyway they can ... but really, they don't agree with what I've done or am doing)
- Not yet, but assorting friends I guess are going to be against me when they find out about all of this
For:
- Two actual, real, flesh&blood friends (Thank you)
- Several online friends/acquaintances (Also thank you though, in fairness without meeting me face-to-face you probably have no real idea what I'm like so you might find me to be the selfish and greedy idiot the "Against" people think I am)
So, not looking good really. Not sure where I fall either; for, against, or somewhere in between. Maybe not enough time for self-pity, must get some painting done.
Thursday, 20 March 2008
You know, sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it anymore ...
I generally try to be happy and cheery and I always thought that I was amazingly lucky not to have had anything in my life that caused me too much trouble. I later began to suspect that the reason for so few problems was simply that I did so little to actually get myself in situations where problems could occur, basically that I lived such an uneventful life that there wasn't much scope for bad things to happen.
Now I wonder if I was being lulled into a false sense of security. Now everything is going wrong and it's going wrong in the most spectacular way possible.
[ Okay, even as I write this I'm thinking: "Well, it could be worse", "there are other people with much more serious problems", "stop wallowing in self-pity, there really *are* people who are *much* worse off" ]
My wife had been doing so well and had not really gone ballistic about everything that has been happening and I, naively, thought that this may continue. It didn't. Tonight was time for shouting, throwing things and being as nasty as possible. She did eventually calm down and we both explained to our son (who was quite upset by all this) that it wasn't *his* fault at all.
I don't like shouting and screaming, or the throwing of things, or just the sheer malice that can accompany these. I have *never* been a violent person, the only times I've thrown things where out of frustration/disappointment at myself and on all occasions it's when I've been alone and just feeling down.
I think I've tried to say that my wife's sometimes unstable behaviour is something I've had to put up with and she obviously has my TG issues to handle (these often being the cause of her angry reactions). Her retort is simply that *I* knew about how she was before we got married whereas the TG thing only came to light later on. I'm not sure this is entirely a reasonable argument.
What else, oh yes, after all of that I get an e-mail from one of the guys on-site saying I did something wrong. He's right I did, I didn't follow his procedure and, though I'd like to come up with excuses, I can't, I made a mistake. I didn't think, I should be paying more attention to work at the moment and I'm not.
Frankly, I'd love to shout at him and tell him I f***ing don't care about his f***ing process as my life is falling apart and my wife (who claims she still loves me) is now wanting me to sort out the legal position for council tax, child tax credits, and a whole host of things (which make practical sense) OH and this is going to be "her" house and I'm not allowed here at all nor am I allowed to contribute to the improvements. No, I just have to get out as it's HER house.
Oh f*** this is going to get messy.
Now I wonder if I was being lulled into a false sense of security. Now everything is going wrong and it's going wrong in the most spectacular way possible.
[ Okay, even as I write this I'm thinking: "Well, it could be worse", "there are other people with much more serious problems", "stop wallowing in self-pity, there really *are* people who are *much* worse off" ]
My wife had been doing so well and had not really gone ballistic about everything that has been happening and I, naively, thought that this may continue. It didn't. Tonight was time for shouting, throwing things and being as nasty as possible. She did eventually calm down and we both explained to our son (who was quite upset by all this) that it wasn't *his* fault at all.
I don't like shouting and screaming, or the throwing of things, or just the sheer malice that can accompany these. I have *never* been a violent person, the only times I've thrown things where out of frustration/disappointment at myself and on all occasions it's when I've been alone and just feeling down.
I think I've tried to say that my wife's sometimes unstable behaviour is something I've had to put up with and she obviously has my TG issues to handle (these often being the cause of her angry reactions). Her retort is simply that *I* knew about how she was before we got married whereas the TG thing only came to light later on. I'm not sure this is entirely a reasonable argument.
What else, oh yes, after all of that I get an e-mail from one of the guys on-site saying I did something wrong. He's right I did, I didn't follow his procedure and, though I'd like to come up with excuses, I can't, I made a mistake. I didn't think, I should be paying more attention to work at the moment and I'm not.
Frankly, I'd love to shout at him and tell him I f***ing don't care about his f***ing process as my life is falling apart and my wife (who claims she still loves me) is now wanting me to sort out the legal position for council tax, child tax credits, and a whole host of things (which make practical sense) OH and this is going to be "her" house and I'm not allowed here at all nor am I allowed to contribute to the improvements. No, I just have to get out as it's HER house.
Oh f*** this is going to get messy.
Wednesday, 19 March 2008
Counselling ...
... or not?
Just to catch up a little since I haven't posted anything over the past few days I'll say a little about Sunday evening, this being my father-in-laws birthday meal with kids and grand-kids etc. It went okay in the end, in fact it seemed that everyone had a good time (though the food was pretty much below the standard I get use to when travelling so much - sorry, I'm a snob about alot of things now!).
The atmosphere was quite relaxed and 'normal' though I still did have time to look at what the waitresses were wearing (not that impressive, black and comfy being the main theme) and the make-up they had on (much more impressive). So, still thinking like a TG person rather than a guy!
Monday was meant to be annual review time and, from a financial point of view this was something that could have alot of bearing on how well this split could go, if at all! Unfortunately it got postponed until Tuesday!
Monday night we talked some more and got a bit upset and I tried to suggest counselling as a way to try and deal with what was happening to maybe help us both understand what the other was thinking and why; I wasn't trying to say that this would solve our problems, just that it might help us through them with less pain. This was, after some more tears, agreed on and I booked the appointment - I have to admit feeling quite scared about this and the reality of what I was doing did hit quite hard.
Anyway, my wife decided that I wasn't really understanding how she felt about everything and also didn't think that Relate would help - I have to admit I was sceptical about it all as well so I can't blame her there. So she must have talked to C who then came round and all three of us sat down to try and go over everything.
We talked for a while and C was quite objective about everything and also positive in some ways saying that, while we clearly couldn't continue to live together like this that we would all remain friends and that we were both young enough to have the chance to have a new life apart and that it was probably all for the best. We all seemed to agree and certainly we both said to each other after C left and the following morning that we felt some relief.
But, really it's not that easy since there is no clean break. I can't afford to move out now, so I'm sleeping in another room. There are lots of practical things to work out and it's all going to take time but the longer it takes the harder it is and also the more chance there is that it'll feel like we're getting along and I may slip back into the comfortable feeling of 'normality' .... all of which may be followed by an almighty argument!
Anyway, lots of things happened on Tuesday which has meant more confusion! I'll post about that in a while but I think it's about time for the next instalment of "Star Wars" ...
Just to catch up a little since I haven't posted anything over the past few days I'll say a little about Sunday evening, this being my father-in-laws birthday meal with kids and grand-kids etc. It went okay in the end, in fact it seemed that everyone had a good time (though the food was pretty much below the standard I get use to when travelling so much - sorry, I'm a snob about alot of things now!).
The atmosphere was quite relaxed and 'normal' though I still did have time to look at what the waitresses were wearing (not that impressive, black and comfy being the main theme) and the make-up they had on (much more impressive). So, still thinking like a TG person rather than a guy!
Monday was meant to be annual review time and, from a financial point of view this was something that could have alot of bearing on how well this split could go, if at all! Unfortunately it got postponed until Tuesday!
Monday night we talked some more and got a bit upset and I tried to suggest counselling as a way to try and deal with what was happening to maybe help us both understand what the other was thinking and why; I wasn't trying to say that this would solve our problems, just that it might help us through them with less pain. This was, after some more tears, agreed on and I booked the appointment - I have to admit feeling quite scared about this and the reality of what I was doing did hit quite hard.
Anyway, my wife decided that I wasn't really understanding how she felt about everything and also didn't think that Relate would help - I have to admit I was sceptical about it all as well so I can't blame her there. So she must have talked to C who then came round and all three of us sat down to try and go over everything.
We talked for a while and C was quite objective about everything and also positive in some ways saying that, while we clearly couldn't continue to live together like this that we would all remain friends and that we were both young enough to have the chance to have a new life apart and that it was probably all for the best. We all seemed to agree and certainly we both said to each other after C left and the following morning that we felt some relief.
But, really it's not that easy since there is no clean break. I can't afford to move out now, so I'm sleeping in another room. There are lots of practical things to work out and it's all going to take time but the longer it takes the harder it is and also the more chance there is that it'll feel like we're getting along and I may slip back into the comfortable feeling of 'normality' .... all of which may be followed by an almighty argument!
Anyway, lots of things happened on Tuesday which has meant more confusion! I'll post about that in a while but I think it's about time for the next instalment of "Star Wars" ...
Sunday, 16 March 2008
Normality is restored ...
... anything you can't deal with is therefore your own problem.
I could have quoted the Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy slightly incorrectly there but you get the idea.
Today has been very strange, and it's certainly been a much calmer and, in some ways a better day and in some ways worse. I'll come onto the bad points at the end but first explain what has happened since around about 2am on Saturday morning.
Obviously after the discussion and pain of Friday night sleep was a little out of the question so I spent alot of time trying to write my thoughts down (as you can see from previous posts), a bit of surfing to distract myself and eventually finished watching "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium" which I really enjoyed, and again helped to keep my mind away from unpleasant thoughts.
In the morning I had to go and pick up my son from my sister-in-laws and drive up to my parents house - this was so I got sort out my fathers computer and was not planned before all of this happened. My C&C were fine with me, I was a little worried that I was in for serious trouble but there was none; I asked if C she was going to see my wife in the afternoon so that she could talk to her and she said she would and reassured me that she'd look after her.
It took a while to get round to the subject of impending separation with may parents and in the end I explained most of it to my Dad. I can't remember the details of what I or he said now but we did cover most of the practical aspects with him being totally unconvinced that my approach for moving forward would work for many reasons, not least of which was financial (in summary, I planned to move out into a new place yet still pay for everything that I do now, i.e. house, bills, etc ... yes, I know it's going to be difficult ranging to impossible!).
My wife phoned my parents phone and spoke to my Mum (who I hadn't had a talk to) and ask for my son and myself to stay up there to give her time to get her self sorted out. At this point I obviously had to explain everything to my Mum. After my son went to bed, lots more discussions.
I won't go into all the details of the rest of the night/morning except to say that one thing was bothering me and that was the prospect that my wife may wreak some terrible revenge and destory and/or throw-out all of my clothes and other items that were still back home. This seems like a selfish thing to worry about, and to be fair, it probably is, but there is a lot of "me" tied up in those things and it would be a greater loss that just the financial and material aspect.
Anyway, we set off back earlyish in the morning and arrived to find my wife in a relatively calm mood. We talked some more and both cried a little but we both were quite calm and stable and talked about the meal in the evening for my wife's father; all concerned had decided that this should not be spoiled by any of our troubles so we would put on a brave face and just try and get through it.
I said to my wife that I'd cut my nails (otherwise my mother-in-law may have commented, my son already has!) and also move all of the clothes and stuff up to my parents. This seemed to help lighten things even more so, while my wife took our son to church (must remember to write about my thoughts on this later) I set to packing everything up - this took an hour! You would not believe the amount of shoes and clothes I have!
Before I started this task I was feeling the normality creeping back and almost a non-Fiona state of mind and I really wanted to resist this. It felt like I really didn't mind about the lack of Fiona things and that normality would be easier. Of course then I realised two things; 1) I had tried on a pair of boots (wasn't sure whether to pack them or leave them to be thrown away, they are a bit tight) and had continued to wear them and felt very comfortable, 2) I started to pack a hand-luggage bag of 'essentials', which then turned into a full suitcase - both equally cramped! So, yes, clearly I was having no trouble letting go of the things!
Well, to cut a long story short (I always wanted to say that), took things back, returned, went to the evening meal and no real problems. My wife and I got on okay and I think we all succeeded in keeping the recent troubles from my wife's parents. Again, my wife and I even got on quite well and chatted and joked a bit when we got back, even about the prospect of my moving out.
So what's bad about this then? Well, in practical terms my wife still can't handle "me" - as she puts it, it's the "physical changes", e.g. longer nails, eye-brows, body hair etc. So yes, we seem to have a truce at the moment but really the difference is still there and is not going to go away.
The more insidious unpleasant aspect of all this is the "normality" itself and the problem I have with that is that it is so easy to just take the path of least resistance and fall back into normality and accept that life. But I don't want to, I want to feel that I am moving forwards, that I am changing, that I am being more Fiona-like.
I really don't like what I am, I want to be what I want, I constantly want to feel like this and be moving in that direction. I know this is again, selfish, but I don't want to deny what I think I may be, what I enjoy experiencing and expressing ... I want to see, feel, and experience the world through Fiona's eyes and her thoughts, not the other me. Then again all of me is "me" and in even the most normal experience I should be able to be the whole of myself - this is actually harder than you think!
I'll finish this rather long essay by mentioning something else that happened - I talked to a friend of mine who I've only recently told me, something that I regret for both friendship and practical reasons! Anyway, I got to have a long chat to her about various things in both our lives and obviously my current issues.
We then got talking about clothes and things and she suggested that, at some point (when the dust has settled a little) I might like to come down to London for a shopping trip with her and a mutual friend (who she told about me as well). This would be the most AMAZING, and FABULOUSLY FUN thing to do and I can't describe how much I'm looking foward this this!
I know my friend reads this blog so all I can say is: THANKS! You really can't imagine what this means to me :D
On that note, time for bed I think.
I could have quoted the Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy slightly incorrectly there but you get the idea.
Today has been very strange, and it's certainly been a much calmer and, in some ways a better day and in some ways worse. I'll come onto the bad points at the end but first explain what has happened since around about 2am on Saturday morning.
Obviously after the discussion and pain of Friday night sleep was a little out of the question so I spent alot of time trying to write my thoughts down (as you can see from previous posts), a bit of surfing to distract myself and eventually finished watching "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium" which I really enjoyed, and again helped to keep my mind away from unpleasant thoughts.
In the morning I had to go and pick up my son from my sister-in-laws and drive up to my parents house - this was so I got sort out my fathers computer and was not planned before all of this happened. My C&C were fine with me, I was a little worried that I was in for serious trouble but there was none; I asked if C she was going to see my wife in the afternoon so that she could talk to her and she said she would and reassured me that she'd look after her.
It took a while to get round to the subject of impending separation with may parents and in the end I explained most of it to my Dad. I can't remember the details of what I or he said now but we did cover most of the practical aspects with him being totally unconvinced that my approach for moving forward would work for many reasons, not least of which was financial (in summary, I planned to move out into a new place yet still pay for everything that I do now, i.e. house, bills, etc ... yes, I know it's going to be difficult ranging to impossible!).
My wife phoned my parents phone and spoke to my Mum (who I hadn't had a talk to) and ask for my son and myself to stay up there to give her time to get her self sorted out. At this point I obviously had to explain everything to my Mum. After my son went to bed, lots more discussions.
I won't go into all the details of the rest of the night/morning except to say that one thing was bothering me and that was the prospect that my wife may wreak some terrible revenge and destory and/or throw-out all of my clothes and other items that were still back home. This seems like a selfish thing to worry about, and to be fair, it probably is, but there is a lot of "me" tied up in those things and it would be a greater loss that just the financial and material aspect.
Anyway, we set off back earlyish in the morning and arrived to find my wife in a relatively calm mood. We talked some more and both cried a little but we both were quite calm and stable and talked about the meal in the evening for my wife's father; all concerned had decided that this should not be spoiled by any of our troubles so we would put on a brave face and just try and get through it.
I said to my wife that I'd cut my nails (otherwise my mother-in-law may have commented, my son already has!) and also move all of the clothes and stuff up to my parents. This seemed to help lighten things even more so, while my wife took our son to church (must remember to write about my thoughts on this later) I set to packing everything up - this took an hour! You would not believe the amount of shoes and clothes I have!
Before I started this task I was feeling the normality creeping back and almost a non-Fiona state of mind and I really wanted to resist this. It felt like I really didn't mind about the lack of Fiona things and that normality would be easier. Of course then I realised two things; 1) I had tried on a pair of boots (wasn't sure whether to pack them or leave them to be thrown away, they are a bit tight) and had continued to wear them and felt very comfortable, 2) I started to pack a hand-luggage bag of 'essentials', which then turned into a full suitcase - both equally cramped! So, yes, clearly I was having no trouble letting go of the things!
Well, to cut a long story short (I always wanted to say that), took things back, returned, went to the evening meal and no real problems. My wife and I got on okay and I think we all succeeded in keeping the recent troubles from my wife's parents. Again, my wife and I even got on quite well and chatted and joked a bit when we got back, even about the prospect of my moving out.
So what's bad about this then? Well, in practical terms my wife still can't handle "me" - as she puts it, it's the "physical changes", e.g. longer nails, eye-brows, body hair etc. So yes, we seem to have a truce at the moment but really the difference is still there and is not going to go away.
The more insidious unpleasant aspect of all this is the "normality" itself and the problem I have with that is that it is so easy to just take the path of least resistance and fall back into normality and accept that life. But I don't want to, I want to feel that I am moving forwards, that I am changing, that I am being more Fiona-like.
I really don't like what I am, I want to be what I want, I constantly want to feel like this and be moving in that direction. I know this is again, selfish, but I don't want to deny what I think I may be, what I enjoy experiencing and expressing ... I want to see, feel, and experience the world through Fiona's eyes and her thoughts, not the other me. Then again all of me is "me" and in even the most normal experience I should be able to be the whole of myself - this is actually harder than you think!
I'll finish this rather long essay by mentioning something else that happened - I talked to a friend of mine who I've only recently told me, something that I regret for both friendship and practical reasons! Anyway, I got to have a long chat to her about various things in both our lives and obviously my current issues.
We then got talking about clothes and things and she suggested that, at some point (when the dust has settled a little) I might like to come down to London for a shopping trip with her and a mutual friend (who she told about me as well). This would be the most AMAZING, and FABULOUSLY FUN thing to do and I can't describe how much I'm looking foward this this!
I know my friend reads this blog so all I can say is: THANKS! You really can't imagine what this means to me :D
On that note, time for bed I think.
Saturday, 15 March 2008
Banal advice
I'm sorry, I don't mean to offend anyone, and I am always thankful for any advice from anyone and I try not to turn people away from offering opinion and hope I at least give due consideration.
But, I am tired, confused, exhausted mentally, I'm likely f***ing up my life big time and I've no idea what is happening and I post a total out pouring of my feelings and stream of conciousness (probably utter garbage and proof positive that I'm just a pathetic person) and the first answer to come back suggests thing may be okay since we're still talking and that maybe everything will be better if my wife realise she might actually have been attracted to this part of me, oh and maybe if she joined the forum that would help.
How f***ing useless is that?! My life is going down the toilet and that's the best you can come up with?! That's not advice that's a waste of f***ing electrons!
Sigh
I repeat again, I don't mean to cause offence, and, to anyone from the forum who reads this and thinks I'm talking about them; I'm really sorry, I feel terrible at the moment and I wanted to lash out at something and just rant. I felt it better to do it here than launch a personal and unjustified personal attack.
Yes, this is a crap blog entry, but I wasn't writing it to be read, I was writing it to be written.
But, I am tired, confused, exhausted mentally, I'm likely f***ing up my life big time and I've no idea what is happening and I post a total out pouring of my feelings and stream of conciousness (probably utter garbage and proof positive that I'm just a pathetic person) and the first answer to come back suggests thing may be okay since we're still talking and that maybe everything will be better if my wife realise she might actually have been attracted to this part of me, oh and maybe if she joined the forum that would help.
How f***ing useless is that?! My life is going down the toilet and that's the best you can come up with?! That's not advice that's a waste of f***ing electrons!
Sigh
I repeat again, I don't mean to cause offence, and, to anyone from the forum who reads this and thinks I'm talking about them; I'm really sorry, I feel terrible at the moment and I wanted to lash out at something and just rant. I felt it better to do it here than launch a personal and unjustified personal attack.
Yes, this is a crap blog entry, but I wasn't writing it to be read, I was writing it to be written.
Beginning of the end
I don't know if I have the energy to write this and all the things I thought to both discuss with my wife and others seem to have left my head - I'm going to try and write as much down in my blog as I can as all the "great" ideas and points to make pop into my head and then vanish when I come to actually say them. I'll try and explain what happened tonight and maybe some of it will come back to me.
I got back and we (as a family) were going to have takeout and then I was planning to see my parents tomorrow with my son (not related to any of this) and my wife was going to go shopping with her sister-in-law (C - married to my wifes brother, also C - here on in referred to as C&C) and would be discussing everything that has happened.
I went to have a shower and when I got back, things had changed; my son was going to stay up at C&C's so that we could talk - C has obviously suggested some ideas to my wife, the main one being that we should go for counselling.
Before leaving to take my son to C&Cs my wife asked whether *I* was willing to seek counselling to help me control what I was doing. I'm not sure what I said but at some point my wife took it as no and stormed off. I explained that I didn't say no and she seemed to calm a little.
When she got back we talked more about counselling and what this would achieve, again we went over the same ground about the things I do like leaving bits and pieces lying around and talking about going out more and she said she thought this was a cry for help; this sounds now, when I write it like something that C&C might have suggested.
We talked more and both got very upset. We seemed to decide to split because I didn't feel it was possible for her to accept/be happy with my level of TGism now, e.g. shaved legs, arms, under-arms. She thought it would get worse as well, which may be true, and I also said I couldn't cope with feeling so constricted in what I do.
We also talked about the fact that we would not now have the 2nd baby we both wanted (and our son wanted), and again at that point I really couldn't take it - I said I would happily come to any arrangement to have a 2nd baby and then leave; yes, I know that sounds stupid but I know how much my wife wants another child and I feel terrible and guilty that this won't happen.
Obviously my wife didn't think this was workable and we talked through other things and eventually got to the point of needing to eat something.
When I walked out the door to go and get takeout food I really felt terrible and didn't want to lose my relationship, my family, everything. Again, I felt like the TG bit of me wasn't such a big deal and it wasn't worth the cost and that I could get by without thinking about it.
2minutes down the road and I'm thinking about whether I drive in a femme enough way ... at the local shop I saw a woman come in and wanted instantly to have her hair style and wear similar outfit and thinking how terrible and 'male' I look.
But when I got back I tried to say that I didn't want to lose everything and that maybe we should got for counselling to see if my wife can cope more with who I am. I asked her if she thought it would help her understand and accept me, she wasn't sure.
She asked me if I could limit it to once a month, and I asked whether she could still cope with, what she's called the "physical changes", i.e. hair free body, longer nails. She was not happy with that.
More talking along the lines of us moving in opposite directions and after that I'm finding it hard to remember what we talked about and what we really decided ... I think counselling with someone who is proficient in TGism. I think we decided that this would be good anyway, I'm thinking maybe as a way to work through even a split rather than an expectation of getting back together.
As I cleared away the dishes I realised that I am likely to lose my home, my family life, and everything that has been my life for so long. I don't know if that's what I want to do and I don't know if I could ever get that back or have it again. I wondered if I only got those things because that's what I was expected to do or I just wanted to fit in and be normal. Did I get married because that's what I thought I should do. Do and did I act like a 'guy' because that's what I thought I should do. What am I? I know I feel sometimes that I play a role ...
... in fact I was trying to talk about that with my wife, when I was trying to explain about not really being a typical man; I remember trying to be all confident/blockee with my first girlfriend (at the age of 24 - yes, slow developer) and feeling totally paranoid about sex for the first time when I had been cross dressing a month or so before this date - and had gone through the purging thinking that it was not normal and I should not need to do that or even think about it when had a girlfriend.
If only I knew what I was then, and if only I felt it was normal then as well. I don't really know what *I* should be, I know I feel like certain people when I do things I associate with them, e.g. (and this is an Eddie Izzard'ism) I feel like my Dad when I'm sawing wood and doing DIY things and that feels like a man thing to do. I actually don't want to think about or do DIY at the moment as I don't want to shatter the girlie facade. Maybe I just put things into too many seperate boxes - maybe it should all be me; I'm a DIYing, cycling, geeky, TV/TS/TG/whatever.
But that all still brings me back to the question of whether I should be trying to be me without restriction, where-ever that may take me, or if I should be trying to limit what I do to keep hold of things I don't want to lose. Or is this just delaying the inevitable? By staying is that just going to cause more pain all round?
At 35 (34 and 11months to be exact) what should I be doing with my life - should I be doing what I feel I want to do before it is too late or should I be settling for stability and family and maybe the prospect of looking back with regret - I already do this now, I look at myself and think how old and ugly I look, I feel better when I see Fiona looking back but I still look old and my skin is terrible and I'm fat.
I know that no-one else knows all the answers and I know that most of the above is unintelligible garbage which very few people (probably not even me) will read through again. But maybe I just had to write it (think I'll copy it to the blog as well since I can't think of anything else to say).
I know I was warned that this whole TG thing (at whatever level) can f*** up your life and make you lose everything ... I never thought it would happen to me and I never thought it would hurt so much.
I got back and we (as a family) were going to have takeout and then I was planning to see my parents tomorrow with my son (not related to any of this) and my wife was going to go shopping with her sister-in-law (C - married to my wifes brother, also C - here on in referred to as C&C) and would be discussing everything that has happened.
I went to have a shower and when I got back, things had changed; my son was going to stay up at C&C's so that we could talk - C has obviously suggested some ideas to my wife, the main one being that we should go for counselling.
Before leaving to take my son to C&Cs my wife asked whether *I* was willing to seek counselling to help me control what I was doing. I'm not sure what I said but at some point my wife took it as no and stormed off. I explained that I didn't say no and she seemed to calm a little.
When she got back we talked more about counselling and what this would achieve, again we went over the same ground about the things I do like leaving bits and pieces lying around and talking about going out more and she said she thought this was a cry for help; this sounds now, when I write it like something that C&C might have suggested.
We talked more and both got very upset. We seemed to decide to split because I didn't feel it was possible for her to accept/be happy with my level of TGism now, e.g. shaved legs, arms, under-arms. She thought it would get worse as well, which may be true, and I also said I couldn't cope with feeling so constricted in what I do.
We also talked about the fact that we would not now have the 2nd baby we both wanted (and our son wanted), and again at that point I really couldn't take it - I said I would happily come to any arrangement to have a 2nd baby and then leave; yes, I know that sounds stupid but I know how much my wife wants another child and I feel terrible and guilty that this won't happen.
Obviously my wife didn't think this was workable and we talked through other things and eventually got to the point of needing to eat something.
When I walked out the door to go and get takeout food I really felt terrible and didn't want to lose my relationship, my family, everything. Again, I felt like the TG bit of me wasn't such a big deal and it wasn't worth the cost and that I could get by without thinking about it.
2minutes down the road and I'm thinking about whether I drive in a femme enough way ... at the local shop I saw a woman come in and wanted instantly to have her hair style and wear similar outfit and thinking how terrible and 'male' I look.
But when I got back I tried to say that I didn't want to lose everything and that maybe we should got for counselling to see if my wife can cope more with who I am. I asked her if she thought it would help her understand and accept me, she wasn't sure.
She asked me if I could limit it to once a month, and I asked whether she could still cope with, what she's called the "physical changes", i.e. hair free body, longer nails. She was not happy with that.
More talking along the lines of us moving in opposite directions and after that I'm finding it hard to remember what we talked about and what we really decided ... I think counselling with someone who is proficient in TGism. I think we decided that this would be good anyway, I'm thinking maybe as a way to work through even a split rather than an expectation of getting back together.
As I cleared away the dishes I realised that I am likely to lose my home, my family life, and everything that has been my life for so long. I don't know if that's what I want to do and I don't know if I could ever get that back or have it again. I wondered if I only got those things because that's what I was expected to do or I just wanted to fit in and be normal. Did I get married because that's what I thought I should do. Do and did I act like a 'guy' because that's what I thought I should do. What am I? I know I feel sometimes that I play a role ...
... in fact I was trying to talk about that with my wife, when I was trying to explain about not really being a typical man; I remember trying to be all confident/blockee with my first girlfriend (at the age of 24 - yes, slow developer) and feeling totally paranoid about sex for the first time when I had been cross dressing a month or so before this date - and had gone through the purging thinking that it was not normal and I should not need to do that or even think about it when had a girlfriend.
If only I knew what I was then, and if only I felt it was normal then as well. I don't really know what *I* should be, I know I feel like certain people when I do things I associate with them, e.g. (and this is an Eddie Izzard'ism) I feel like my Dad when I'm sawing wood and doing DIY things and that feels like a man thing to do. I actually don't want to think about or do DIY at the moment as I don't want to shatter the girlie facade. Maybe I just put things into too many seperate boxes - maybe it should all be me; I'm a DIYing, cycling, geeky, TV/TS/TG/whatever.
But that all still brings me back to the question of whether I should be trying to be me without restriction, where-ever that may take me, or if I should be trying to limit what I do to keep hold of things I don't want to lose. Or is this just delaying the inevitable? By staying is that just going to cause more pain all round?
At 35 (34 and 11months to be exact) what should I be doing with my life - should I be doing what I feel I want to do before it is too late or should I be settling for stability and family and maybe the prospect of looking back with regret - I already do this now, I look at myself and think how old and ugly I look, I feel better when I see Fiona looking back but I still look old and my skin is terrible and I'm fat.
I know that no-one else knows all the answers and I know that most of the above is unintelligible garbage which very few people (probably not even me) will read through again. But maybe I just had to write it (think I'll copy it to the blog as well since I can't think of anything else to say).
I know I was warned that this whole TG thing (at whatever level) can f*** up your life and make you lose everything ... I never thought it would happen to me and I never thought it would hurt so much.
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