Getting a bit repetitive

I do go through similar feelings every weekend I see my son and so apologies if this has been covered before (several times).

I just wanted to explain (again) why I'm doing this. I guess it doesn't make much sense why I would take a perfectly good life and smash it to bits. And in particular it is rather nonsensical given that I'm generally not a depressed or in any way stressed person who is so desperate to change that I've lost all reason.

I guess the only way I can explain is to say that I'm doing this because I feel I have to now rather than wait until things do get worse. I'm not irrationally obsessed with everything yet but I feel it is something that would happen sooner or later. I did think constantly about the changes that I am now starting, it's something that I just couldn't get out of my head.

So when I see my son and we do the sort of things that we use to, as a family, and then I see his Mum and things are going well and we're talking, I do wonder why I had to go and spoil everything. I don't dislike B at all, quite the opposite in fact, she is managing to be a single Mum, have more responsibility at work, and also get out and enjoy herself and have a life. She looks fabulous, she really does.

I thought at the beginning of the year that everything would be okay and that we'd stay together and just deal with all of this. That was naive and probably a bit lazy on my part. I'd like to say that I didn't start on this transition because of my love for B and our son. I think the truth is that I was just rather pathetic and scared and was just letting my life meander. I think this is one of the reasons I do so intensely dislike reminders of my previous life because I don't think I was a very good person, I was just there, not important and not worth anything.

Now that I have made hard decisions in my life I can at least have some pride and the fact that I am taking some responsibility in who and what I am. It would be nice if I could have done this while still keeping a family together but I don't think that was possible so I have to deal with that.

I, and more importantly, B and our son, have alot of support and I'm hopeful that, given time we will be a family again, though still apart but at least being able to be there for each other. Really, things are probably easier than for others in similar situations, though still harder than they should be and more than B expected or deserved.

Not sure if I've mentioned this before but I realised a while ago that you really can't help your feelings. You can try and make logical decisions and even try and ease how you feel inside but ultimately you can't change this. So that means I really do have to go through this transition but I will still miss having a home, family, and partner just as they probably miss having me.