00:39

I can't actually post anything at the moment as the hotel network seems to be down :(

However, I've been out for some food with friends and I've managed to consume a fair few glasses of red wine so I'm nicely drunk and tired at the moment so I thought I'd take the opportunity to type out a few thoughts that I hope I'll have the courage to post about in the morning.

First off; I really don't like how I look any more. Not that I ever really bothered about what I look like in non-me mode but I was never distressed about it. Now I kind of get disappointed/annoyed that the face looking back at me from the mirror isn't more girlie. Or I catch sight of all of me when I get out of the shower (are mirrors cheaper in hotel bathrooms or something? There is usually a whole wall covered in mirrored glass!) and I'm not really impressed with what I see and would certainly like the idea if sorting a few things out given half a chance and a suitable surgeon!

I'm more and more getting close to the point of wanted to just come completely out of the closet - it feels like there is a real me that is holding back and just wants to burst out and say "THIS IS ME!". Even tonight, with something simple as briefly wondering what shoes to wear (the only 'other' me choice being trainers) I really just wanted to put on some boots instead.

I guess I'm also frustrated with myself generally; I hold myself back, I'm scared, I feel insecure and really I should just get out there but I don't!

Right, I really must go to bed now as I'm falling asleep at the keyboard here.

I think I'll try and post this tomorrow and then make a start on a little background about me so anyone that cares to know will have some sort of explanation for my current life.

Hugs

Fiona xxx

Update: Managed to post this eventually after dragging myself out of bed and into work for 8:30 - not bad considering the quantity of (rather nice) red wine and (rather hot) curry consumed last night!