Ugly, fat, old, and stupid ...

... is how I feel at the moment.

I'm really very confused about all of this; gender, sexuality, life in general. I'm not sure what I should feel, what I should be, or whether I could ever achieve a change with suitable results if that is really the way I want to go.

My son was taking pictures of me tonight and I really just looked a complete mess with my hair all over the place (its nowhere near long enough to style or do anything with) and my face looked old and not in the least bit femme at all - I just looked a complete and utter state.

I don't want to go backwards, I don't want to have shorter nails or hair - I want it to get longer but I'm maybe kidding myself that it, and the rest of me is ever going to look anything like what I want. I'm not even sure that that is what I should be. But then I think that I have come some way and there are things I don't want to go back to; I don't want to have hairy legs or arms or bushy eye-brows for instance.

I've booked an appointment with my GP for next week (Tuesday) so I am going to ask to be referred for counselling for Gender Identity Disorder (GID) so that I can get help with this and work things out, it's getting me down now and I can't cope with it anymore, need to sort myself out.

My son is here this weekend and we're going to do some day-trip kinda stuff tomorrow (interactive museum kinda-thing) so that should hopefully take mind of things.