I was just talking to me friend, S, here at work and she told me that I had apparently been the subject of much discussion in the office on Friday afternoon (I left early because my son was coming over in the evening for the weekend).
It seems that there had been some talk amongst the guys in the office about my hair, nails, and even they had noticed the thinned eyebrows. S said they called her over and asked if she was going to ask me outright, she said about what, and they replied "him turning into a woman", and then queried whether "or do you already know something that we don't".
When I was talking to S I said that it was actually interesting to know what people said about me behind my back as I obviously hear what is said about everyone else I'd always been curious how I was viewed. I'd assumed that there was little that would be said about me in general, maybe comments of being a bit of a geek and such but generally that I was not interesting enough to be the topic of conversation.
Sitting back down to write this though I'm quite shaken, though not entirely sure why. I'm going through possible responses to someone asking me outright about this in front of everyone, as this is what S expects would happen. Not a nice prospect that, being asked in private and in confidence is one thing but with an audience of "guys" it's quite another as they are likely to be very, well, "blokey" about the questioning and any answer.
I'm not brilliant at being put on the spot and responding with witty replies, I'd like to be able to say something scathing like: "So this is how you question somebody who you suspect of having GID and who is probably depressed and confused?" OR the much more threatening: "So you thought you'd act all tough and ask someone a personal question in a way that qualifies as harassment?"
What will probably happen is I'll blush and mumble something incoherent along the lines of the above and will then be made fun of for a considerable time.
Time to talk to the HR director I think before anything nasty is said.
BTW, if there is anyone from work who has been bright enough to figure out that this is my blog then I hope that reading it will make you realise that intense public questioning is probably the last thing I need and you'd be doing the decent thing and dropping the subject as well as advising everyone else to do the same.
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Some pre-transition folk push at the envelope so much that they're almost bound to be “outed”. It's not a trait of which I'm fond. When I was ready to come out and transition, that's exactly what I did. Until that time, I presented as a relatively normal male.
One over-riding principle I observed during that period was to manage my own transition – I trusted myself to do it better than I would trust anyone else; I also trusted myself to tell people more honestly than I would have trusted a third party.
It worked for me. It was my journey and my responsibility. I couldn't stop gossip or tittle-tattle but I could be dignified, manage my own journey and ensure that everyone heard my truth. I would do the same again. Dropping hints and pushing at boundaries seemed to me to let down the person of whom I was, and still am, so proud.
L
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