Doctors today

Another, small step, along the path today - though still not entirely sure where the path leads. Going to see my GP today and ask for referral to psychiatrist for counselling for GID (Gender Identity Disorder) which will hopefully be of help to me in figuring out my life and what/who I am.

Update: I'm back from the doctors now with the prescribed pills ... no, not for *that* these were for hayfever as I needed to sort that out as well as it's making a mess of my eyes, face, etc as the tablets I have been taking don't seem to stop the symptoms anymore.

On the more serious note of the referral my doctor did pretty well to get anything from the stream of conciousness that I dumped on him. I really just answered every question with a torrent of what was in my head, delivered at break-neck speed (I can REALLY talk fast when I want to). He asked a few questions and listened to what I said. I mentioned what I thought was the process for all of this, i.e. referral to local psychiatrist followed by a specialist if required, at one point he said that he thought the latter may be the first port of call.

In the end he said he would research into this in more detail and phone me on my mobile directly once he had found someone/where for me to go as the next step, thinking about this now I guess he maybe saw how confused I was (who wouldn't with such a verbal barrage) and it'd be quicker for him to phone me than send out letters and such.

I kind of went through all sorts of thoughts while sitting in the waiting room and afterwards and have probably changed my mind and feelings about this whole thing many times over in the space of less than an hour. For example I felt some relief followed by disappointment that I couldn't hold onto the feeling of confusion which meant I might be getting somewhere as well as it being linked to clear thoughts of where I want to go! I think I've constructed quite complex chains of reasoning around all of this, none of which make any real sense!

Certainly this is more proof that I'm really nowhere near together as I have been able to make out in the past, when it comes to it I gibber like the best of them when under pressure!

I'm meant to see my son tonight but he has apparently said he doesn't want to come over which I think is a bit of a relief to me (and to him, he was tired over the weekend) as I've still got lots buzzing around in my head. I will see him on Thursday though when I will have calmed down a little I think.