I just received this in the post today. It makes fairly stark reading:
"On 19th April 2010
The Judge help that
the respondent behaved in such a way that the petitioner cannot reasonably be expected to live with the respondent,
that the marriage solemnised on 21st July 2001
at <...>
between <...> the petitioner
and Fiona Andrea (f.k.a <...>) Bianchi the respondent
has broken down irretrievably and decreed that the said marriage be dissolved unless sufficient cause be shown to the court within six weeks from the making of this decree why such decree should not be made absolute"
It's boiler-plate text, impersonal, functional and without emotion, yet it's talking about something that is so different from those adjectives and which, in 6 weeks time will be decreed to be at an end. I think it's only now that I see it in black and white that I can begin to fully realise what a horrible shame it all is.
Did I really want this to happen? No. Did I really think that there would be such finality to a relationship, no, I didn't expect that at all. I guess I just never thought it would come to this. I don't think I expected some miraculous change where everything went back to "happy families" but I probably still had that hope in the back of my mind.
I feel oddly calm at the moment, I can actually feel myself just thinking about other things, trying to fill my head with something else to concentrate on to suppress what I really feel and just not think about it. When I consider everything we had and all the memories from my past it really does just hurt so much.
So, do I regret the path I've taken? At the moment it seems really odd to try and think about that question, I'm not really thinking about who I am, I'm just getting on with things; upgrading to the next Ubuntu version for example, thinking about plans, what to do at the weekend, etc. I would say that I don't regret my transition, but I can't really grasp that idea and explain how I feel about it.
As for the loss of a marriage that lasted 6 years and 8months and included, among the usual ups and downs so many good times and happy memories, not to mention a son who is the most fabulous little boy in the world ... yes, I regret the loss of that more than I think I will ever regret anything in my life.
I can't write any more.
Thursday, 29 April 2010
Exercise!
This is the reason that I'm currently a bit behind with all my blogging; I've been cycling to/from work for the past few weeks and I'm shattered by the time I get home!
In fairness my lack of blogs updates is also due to a rather hectic time at work and the fact that I really haven't got into a good routine of early nights to match the pre 6am mornings which I need to be able to get up, cycle, shower, make-up and breakfast in time.
Anyway, I'm sure it's doing me good and I do feel a little bit fitter. Hopefully I'll be into the swing of things very soon.
In fairness my lack of blogs updates is also due to a rather hectic time at work and the fact that I really haven't got into a good routine of early nights to match the pre 6am mornings which I need to be able to get up, cycle, shower, make-up and breakfast in time.
Anyway, I'm sure it's doing me good and I do feel a little bit fitter. Hopefully I'll be into the swing of things very soon.
Sunday, 18 April 2010
More Catching Up
Okay, I should be getting more organised in my old age but apparently not! I'm really behind on all of the blog updates and have been so busy with work, life, and togging (easier to type that photography) that I've just not got round to writing anything ... which then becomes a catch twenty two as I need to cover all the events up to this point before any new topics. Of course that just means that the topics pile up and I never get anywhere!
So here is a quick catch up and I'll gradually get the photos to match these events on the website over the next week and then I can carry on blogging in a more organised and up-to-date way!
So, now I'm up-to-date I'm going to go and chill out and recover from too much alcohol, not enough sleep, and the affects of lots of having a fabulous weekend with my friends who are all amazing and I love them to bits.
So here is a quick catch up and I'll gradually get the photos to match these events on the website over the next week and then I can carry on blogging in a more organised and up-to-date way!
- Taking pictures of Rachel with a sword (yeah I know, slightly surreal)
- Meeting up with friends in Leeds as well as shopping with Rachel for work-wear
- My bike being stolen from the shed - not happy about that but covered by insurance
- Visit to the National Railway Museum in York - didn't get that many pictures I like as I was trying low-light togging (without flash) and the I'm a bit fussy about clear images
- Holiday away with my son visiting Windsor, London and of course, Legoland - had a fantastic time!
- Cycling to/from work for the entire week last week - VERY tiring, need to get more sleep and get use to this new level of exercise
- And just this weekend; my birthday party and seeing loads of my fab friends including my "bezzie" (it's a Brum expression apparently), Lucy.
So, now I'm up-to-date I'm going to go and chill out and recover from too much alcohol, not enough sleep, and the affects of lots of having a fabulous weekend with my friends who are all amazing and I love them to bits.
Tuesday, 30 March 2010
Manic Shoot
Rachel had the idea of doing a completely random and impromptu photo-shoot with as many models as she could get. I think she managed to organise and arrange all of this in just over a week and we had a whole afternoon taking pictures at Orgasmic in York (which we're told will soon become part of Revolution which is next door).
There was three of us taking pictures that day, Rachel herself (also doing make-up, styling, organising, etc, etc), Jo doing fantastic photography and helping me out (and lending me lenses), and me. I should make it very, very, very, clear that Rachel and Jo have been doing this quite a while and they are both amazingly accomplished, experienced, and confident photographers. None of these adjectives apply to me!
Taking pictures in this kind of situation is hard, really, really, hard work and takes an immense amount of skill and expertise. Having a flashy (no pun intended) camera and a few good pics will not get you through this. You have to know what you are doing, have an aim to achieve and a good idea of how to get there. It is thinking and acting under pressure. Rachel and Jo can do this without much apparent effort, I am not there yet (and may never be).
However, it was a good learning experience for me and, at least looking back, a fun, enjoyablem, and rewarding way to spend an afternoon and I'm really unbelievably thankful to Rachel and Jo and the models who were there; Holly, Richard, Suzanne and Sarah. I only hope the pictures do them justice!
I've yet to process all of the images (and am going to spend a long time getting them looking as good as I possibly can) but for now, here are three of the ones I liked the best (this doesn't mean they are good by any means).
We were taking turns photographing each model and I started working with Suzanne who was so lovely and friendly and looked absolutely stunning. She's modelled before and frankly she was helping me out so much in terms of just ideas and poses, I had no idea what to ask her to do but that was fine as she already knew. There is a large mirror on the way to the toilets and I really wanted to get a nice shot with that but it was really difficult given the lighting and angles available.
Next was Holly who Rachel has photographed a few times before. Apparently she has never done professional modelling before and so far has only worked with Rachel. I have to say I think she is a natural! She's also fantastically nice and wonderful to chat with. We decided to do some pictures outside but had so much 'fun' with the rather strong wind and the sun that kept changing it's mind - it's hard enough for me to get the exposure settings right once let alone having to muck around as the light fades and then increases again. Anyway, Holly was very helpful and patient and the pictures do seem to have come out quite well.
Last, but by no means least, was Richard and Sarah. I think by this point we were all quite tired and I just wanted to do something silly. Rachel got MUCH better pictures and certainly more stylish ones of both Richard and Sarah but I like this one as it was the expression that I'd wanted to capture, and that was so elusive due to someone having a fit of the giggles.
So, overall it was a good day and everyone seemed to have a lot of fun. I definitely learnt alot including the fact that there is so much more for me to learn! I'll update this post with links to all of the pictures once I've processed them.
[ UPDATE: The processed images have now been posted on my website, see this page for links to the three galleries that I've produced. Warning the pictures are quite big! The full sized versions of the best of these still need uploading to deviantART, will do that tomorrow ]
There was three of us taking pictures that day, Rachel herself (also doing make-up, styling, organising, etc, etc), Jo doing fantastic photography and helping me out (and lending me lenses), and me. I should make it very, very, very, clear that Rachel and Jo have been doing this quite a while and they are both amazingly accomplished, experienced, and confident photographers. None of these adjectives apply to me!
Taking pictures in this kind of situation is hard, really, really, hard work and takes an immense amount of skill and expertise. Having a flashy (no pun intended) camera and a few good pics will not get you through this. You have to know what you are doing, have an aim to achieve and a good idea of how to get there. It is thinking and acting under pressure. Rachel and Jo can do this without much apparent effort, I am not there yet (and may never be).
However, it was a good learning experience for me and, at least looking back, a fun, enjoyablem, and rewarding way to spend an afternoon and I'm really unbelievably thankful to Rachel and Jo and the models who were there; Holly, Richard, Suzanne and Sarah. I only hope the pictures do them justice!
I've yet to process all of the images (and am going to spend a long time getting them looking as good as I possibly can) but for now, here are three of the ones I liked the best (this doesn't mean they are good by any means).
We were taking turns photographing each model and I started working with Suzanne who was so lovely and friendly and looked absolutely stunning. She's modelled before and frankly she was helping me out so much in terms of just ideas and poses, I had no idea what to ask her to do but that was fine as she already knew. There is a large mirror on the way to the toilets and I really wanted to get a nice shot with that but it was really difficult given the lighting and angles available.
Next was Holly who Rachel has photographed a few times before. Apparently she has never done professional modelling before and so far has only worked with Rachel. I have to say I think she is a natural! She's also fantastically nice and wonderful to chat with. We decided to do some pictures outside but had so much 'fun' with the rather strong wind and the sun that kept changing it's mind - it's hard enough for me to get the exposure settings right once let alone having to muck around as the light fades and then increases again. Anyway, Holly was very helpful and patient and the pictures do seem to have come out quite well.
Last, but by no means least, was Richard and Sarah. I think by this point we were all quite tired and I just wanted to do something silly. Rachel got MUCH better pictures and certainly more stylish ones of both Richard and Sarah but I like this one as it was the expression that I'd wanted to capture, and that was so elusive due to someone having a fit of the giggles. So, overall it was a good day and everyone seemed to have a lot of fun. I definitely learnt alot including the fact that there is so much more for me to learn! I'll update this post with links to all of the pictures once I've processed them.
[ UPDATE: The processed images have now been posted on my website, see this page for links to the three galleries that I've produced. Warning the pictures are quite big! The full sized versions of the best of these still need uploading to deviantART, will do that tomorrow ]
York Wander
On Saturday I decided to enjoy the fantastic weather (while we had it!) and wander out into York to get my York card (free admission to certain attractions, discounts, library etc) and also a Minster pass (again free entry).
I took quite a few pictures on my little outing and will link to these when I've got them all processed (even going to try doing some HDR images). When I got into town I was drawn to York Camera Mart to see if there were any lenses I could dream about being able to afford. Big mistake! They had a 2nd hand 28-105mm f3.5-4.5 lens in the window for only £99!
The big problem with owning a 5D is that I can't use the cheaper EF-S lenses that fit the crop-sensor cameras from Canon, e.g. my old 350D or the 550D, 50D, etc. I need to get the full-frame lenses that fit EF mounts. In simple terms - I have to get lenses with a red dot on them instead of the white dot!
This lens had the red dot! It goes without saying that I bought it; shouldn't have but took the opportunity of getting a cheap lense to fill in the range that I have (now have 50mm prime, 80-200mm zoom, and this 28-105mm). Felt a bit bad about spending more money and really need to get control of my money.
Anyway, it took me a while to get use to using this lens - in particular I've not done much in the way of scenary shots since getting the 5D but now at 28mm I'm able to get a wide-angle picture and the image above seemed to come out quite well. I feel a little less bad about spending the money given the results but I really need to stop getting more now!
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