So many things today

I crammed alot into today and it's only at the end of it that I realise how stressed I was about everything and that and plans of being cool, collected, and organised generally go out of the window when faced with reality.

The main event for today was going to Transform for a free consultation regarding facial hair removal. Why would I do this to myself you might ask, well I'm making a bit of a mess of my face trying to shave all the hairs away and still it has that horrible darker shaded look (which in my eyes looks almost like Homer Simpson) which means it's really hard to hide with make-up.

Anyway, I got there and was asked all the standard details and medical questions then got a patch test to check what my skins reaction to the treatment would be. The machine that's meant to magically get rid of all the facial hair (as long as it doesn't get "confused"*) uses a LightSheer(TM) Laser, basically it's meant to burn the hairs out and cauterize the root so it doesn't grow back. Put even more simply it's a reasonably high powered diode laser with a frequency of light that the pigment in hair absorbs but that the skin won't - if you have light skin (I do, in fact milk-bottles are ethnically coloured compared to me) and dark hair it's meant to work really well.

[ * - The girl** explaining all this kept referring to the machine as if it was actually selecting the hairs to zap. It might be for all I know but I suspect what it more likely is it just turns the laser on for a set time and whatever is in the way gets fried!]
[ ** - I really should find out how you refer to someone who does this sort of thing; beautician? Operator? Girl simply as she looked vastly younger than me and had amazing skin, eyes, teeth, etc - okay, last bit isn't surprising given where she works ]

The pain. Well it wasn't that bad actually, the girl had it on a very high setting and I hardly felt a thing on my neck where she was doing the test, just very faint pin-like sensation. She then moved onto the side of my jaw where there were some hairs to zap and that was a little more prickly in fact one of the hairs 'exploded'. She'd explained that this could happen when it really hit a good target and it burns the hair so fast that it pops out. Apparently this happened at the very high setting which is good - more zapping and hopefully not too much pain though I'm told that the upper lip hurts more so I suspect I'm in for some discomfort.

The cost for full face, which takes only 15mins, is £105 - just chin and upper lip is £95 so for the extra £10 I think it's worth getting the lot done. It can take up to 7 treatments to make it fully effective and each is 4-6weeks apart. I was told that some people can have noticeable results in fewer treatments and also more may be required after a complete course maybe every 6 month if there is any significant re-growth.

I've booked my first session of treatment in a couple of weeks time and I'm hopeful that it'll have the desired affects with maybe less the the full 7 sessions, and that it won't hurt *that* much. If by some miracle it actually zaps enough of the hairs to make some difference before Sparkle I'd be over the moon!

The other thing I did today was go over and see a (male) friend of mine who I've known since school and who (for reasons of timing and also problems in his life) hadn't been burdened with the full explanation of why my wife and I were splitting up i.e. I'd not told him about this blog or anything like that.

As if the day wasn't stressful enough I'd had this idea of wearing some ankle boots, jeans and a shirt as a kind of semi-femme outfit, i.e. the boots and jeans would be from the Fiona wardrobe but maybe not the shirt (very Shania Twain: "Man's shirt, short skirt ..." etc). Anyway I couldn't really find a shirt that really gave me the right look that I was after (I think my figure, face, and everything else let me down) but I pressed ahead with the boots and jeans anyway.

I'd also thought it would be a kind of cool way to introduce the whole TG thing as well; "I best just explain these boots first of all" was what I imagined myself saying. It didn't come out like that at all and I mumbled something that he didn't hear and then just ploughed on in a torrent of explanation that did eventually make some sense but only because I was repeating myself as well as just basically saying everything in my head.

I've probably totally stunned the poor guy and freaked him out completely when we went out for a quick lunch (nice cafe nearby) though I have to say he hid it well and we just ended up talking about the usual range of subjects that we've discussed before.

As the day progressed (I did wrote about the above in the wrong order, saw my friend first and then to Transform) I kind of got use to wearing the boots and not thinking about what people thought; did a bit of shopping, wandered around Asda, the around town a bit, even past a pub with lots of loud and clearly at least slightly drunk guys outside. No real problems or reactions that I heard or saw.

So at the end of the day how do I feel? Well I bit nothingy really, kind of numb and unable to really take it all in, everything just kind of happened without me really being in control. Kind of like an anti-climax as well, I think I was expecting to feel some sense of achievement or euphoria or an extra femme-rush from wandering around in boots all day.

Part of this lack of feeling I think is tiredness and dehydration; it was quite warm out there today and hardly had anything to drink (going to bed shortly with a big drink). I think another part of it may be just the fact that I have wandered around in boots before and have had all the same sort of feelings so it's almost like I'm just doing what I want to do so there is no need for euphoria. One thought I am holding onto is the fact that I wanted to wearing boots/jeans/etc, I actually felt that I would be disappointed in myself if I didn't. It's only a subtle thing but I feel that it's something important and will hopefully drive me to do more tomorrow.

Time for a nice big, cold, drink and off to bed!

People actually read this blog!

What's more these are people that I actually know in real life, have met face to face, and whose opinions mean and awful lot to me. This isn't too surprising in itself as I've had e-mails from real-life friends about this blog before but today's message was slightly different as it was from my friends L's parents!

It never occurred to me that this blog and the things that I write and pictures that I post here and on Flickr would really be read by anyone other than random strangers or friends that I had directly told about me. I guess I also realised that friends of friends may also get to see this - this happened recently and was apparently quite amusing for all concerned but I'm not really bothered by that (well not too much anyway).

I was really good friends with L when I was at school and through the college years but as with alot of people, I lost touch with her and only really got back in contact at the end of last year. I have fond memories of L's mother and step-Dad and being beaten by all of them at Trivial Pursuit - and just being generally out-classed by at anything involving general knowledge or almost any subject apart from those thing computer-related.

I'd explained about me and sent links for the blog to L quite a few weeks ago but hadn't had time to e-mail again and I know she is busy with her life so had not heard anything back after the initial few msgs we exchanged. So the e-mail from her Mum was completely out of the blue and was such a pleasant surprise! It's really cheered me up no end :D

Anyway, in order to stay as objective and honest as possible, I'm going to have to be extra careful to completely block out thoughts of who reads this blog in future now that I know it's reaching an even wider audience!

[ P.S. Since I know you three are reading this; L, L & G I think you're all fantastic ]

Indiana Jones and something or other

I decided to go and see this film for two reasons, one was simply that I thought it would be good and the other was that it gave me an excuse and purpose to go out as Fiona and would mean that was twice in one (long) weekend that I could claim to have had the courage and ability to get out and about.

So, first a mini-review of the film followed by more about the clothes I was wearing and the obligatory picture of me :D

Well, I can see why alot of the critics have slammed the film, there are some aspects of it that are pretty disappointing. On the other hand they were never going to be able to fully re-capture the magic of the original films and at least they didn't try and try and set everything at the same point in time, they did move things on a bit and there didn't seem to be any attempt to hide the obvious ageing of the characters, e.g. Indiana had grey hair.

The plot twists were obvious in many ways though I was surprised to see Indiana's love-interest in the film as I wasn't expecting her - however there are plenty of downloadable pictures on the official website featuring this character so I guess I just hadn't done my research.

The action scenes were pretty good but as has been commented before, the thing with the monkeys was stretching credibility just that little bit too far. The fighting was also I little unrealistic as well given the relative ages of Dr Jones and the Russian Soldier who he beat unconscious.

The pace seemed fine and I certainly wasn't looking at my watch or getting bored at any point. Also some of the 'scary' parts of the film did manage to carry some level of suspense and the creepy crawlies where pretty, well, creepy!

Now the plot was obviously similar in form to the other films, i.e. not too complicated and with an obvious conclusion and "they all lived happily ever-after ... apart from the bad guys" ending. I'm in two minds about the subject of the plot though, the explanation for the crystal skulls and what happened when they were returned. On one hand it feels like too much of a departure from the originals but on the other I guess the subject matter does need updating a bit and I can see how it all fit with the era in which the film was set.

So overall I'd say it's an enjoyable enough film, not as good as the originals but still good fun. If you've got a decent TV at home then probably okay to wait until it's available on DVD.

Onto more important subjects; clothes! Well, I'm still not getting round to taking decent pics of the outfits that I'm wearing, I'm just being lazy and using my phone's camera instead so I'll have to describe what I had on: skinny (ish-more like 'tight') jeans, black boots, white top.

I've been invited out to see Sex and the City this Friday and I'm hoping this will be another Fiona outing, if it is I will really try and get full pics of whatever I wear (debating about a skirt for this one).

One baby step at a time

I must say lots of thanks and hugs and stuff to my friend K who I met up with for lunch today - you're fab! She's probably not reading this but I felt like saying it anyway.

We met up in Burnley of all places and I'd umm'ed and ahhh'ed about going as me all week and had wondered if it was such a good idea and whether it would be a problem for K or if I'd just be so freaked out by the whole experience that it would set me back, etc, etc. In the end I did go dressed up in jeans, a top (as can be seen in the pic above, it's from Dorothy Perkins if anyone is interested), and ankle boots (I had to wear boots of some description, they give me a little bit of confidence and a significant bit more height though that isn't always good).

First the bad bits:

• My skin is terrible at the moment, party due to the punishment it gets when I cycle to/from work and partly because of hayfever and me rubbing my eyes.
• My hair was all over the place because it was windy and kept revealing my real hair underneath that is a bit lighter
  
• The foundation seems a little dark so it's noticeable to some degree and made worse because my upper lip and chin are a mess with too much shaving to try and almost dig the hairs out.
• My ears hurt by the time I got back as I was wearing clip-on earrings.
• I passed some kids and heard one say "it's a man" but I ignored that and carried on.

The lack of long hair, mess of my skin (including because of the shaving) are all things I'm going to sort out, my hair will grow (it's going to take 6months to a year before it's anywhere near long enough for me to be happy), and I'm planning IPL to sort out my facial hair. Also as I get more confident (and have these obvious annoying things sorted out) I'll be able to get the correct shades for make-up and hopefully not have to use as much so I get a more natural affect. Also I'm thinking of getting my ears pierced at some point so that will solve the earring problem - and mean I can actually choose from the almost infinite selection of styles available that can't be matched by the pitiful number of clip-on types.

As you can tell I'm feeling generally positive (though have dropped a little in enthusiasm now that I'm back home and looking critically at the photos of me) and that's because it went rather well in the end.

Me and K had a really good chat and catch up, nice lunch (though I didn't have as much to drink as I should - I was trying to avoid the need to go to the toilet as I'll tackle that little step another time), and there were no adverse reactions that I noticed (apart from the one I mentioned above and the odd stare).

I even filled up the car with diesel from Asda and then popped into Tesco to get some bits and pieces for tea. Basically lots of normal things that I did as "me" which I felt good about achieving. I even bought some moisturiser from Boots as well as a hair-dryer (only a cheap travel one) as I feel that I'm going to need that sooner or later. The girl who served me was very nice and pleasant and that always makes me feel a bit better.

So, overall, a good day and hopefully the first of many more - I really enjoyed being me today and it's certainly given me lots of (nice) things to think about.

Now, time for tea followed by the Eurovision!


P.S. Another point I discussed with another friend D was about my hair colour - I actually quite like the darker hair and she thought it did suit me better. So I'm now thinking about getting my hair dyed once it's reached a good length and wondering what colour to go for - there will be some red in there at some point I think :D

I can't help it

I just had a reminder of another reason why, when asked directly by my wife several months ago if I still loved her I just couldn't bring myself to effectively lie and say "yes", I had to tell the truth that I really didn't feel the same anymore.

I'm trying to figure out how to explain this without making it sound to harsh or unfair on my wife so I'll just describe what happened this evening as an example of what I'm trying to get across.

My wife came to pick my son up from the brief 2hr stay he had with me after I picked him up from school and I'd forgotten to read his school book with him which, it was pointed out to me was the whole point of him coming back to mine after school. My wife had told me about reading his book but I simply forgot, too busy watching Star Wars, making tea, eating tea, photocopying bits of paper, and then playing Star Wars to remember.

So I got told that I'd made a mistake there and I found myself apologising and saying that I forgot and that I was sorry and doing the whole "calm down" type way of talking and holding my hands up to signify the same thing. I do make mistakes, I do forget things; I get side-tracked or tired or just have other things on my mind and these probably do sound like pathetic excuses but I'm not doing anything out of malice but I'm treated as if I am, as if my behaviour is just wrong.

That was the first thing that made me think about the problems there had been in our relationship. I always thought it was rather unfair as well that I generally never got that upset if my wife made a mistake (I would generally dismiss things and say it wasn't a big deal), or when I did say something I was accused of having a go at her!

The second thing was that, on leaving I offered to help carry a bag down to the car and my wife, still clearly still annoyed about the whole book reading thing mumbled something about "no, I can manage it myself" followed by "I wouldn't want you to break a nail" said with definite venom.

And that was the clincher - it wasn't what she said it was the underlying tone of everything: I am wrong, what I do is wrong, what I am is wrong, what I have decided is wrong, it is all my fault and my fault alone. I am to blame for being how I am and for not revealing this to her sooner. There are no ifs or buts, I am simply to blame, I am a selfish person and I have done this deliberately and with malice. And if I really cared and wasn't selfish I wouldn't do it.

It isn't that simple. I really can't help wanting to be me, even though I'm not entirely sure what "me" is yet. I didn't plan to any of this and there is nothing I can do about feeling this way, it's part of who I am and part of what makes me like this. I've had thoughts and feelings like this long before I fully knew what they were or even that they could be "wrong" in some way. I've even had them while I thought they were wrong bug it still didn't stop me from thinking them. I really can't help it!

I know that the same rules apply to my wife, she is who she is and she wants certain things from a partner and there we don't match and I have to accept that and I don't her responsible for not being able to deal with this, but I do think she must acknowledge that she can't assign me the entire blame for everything that has happened, no-one can ultimately help who they are and they should not be persecuted for it.

Update: The other phrase that just got thrown at me, which I've had alot is "Don't forget, it's you that's done this, not me" - this when I was trying to offer to help out and give advice and this was all rejected.