Not a home

I'm sure my friends have been telling me this for ages that, despite my feeling that things have been split fairly, I have given up quite alot and should not feel as guilty as I might do and also should not expect or accept losing more.

One aspect of this hit me on Sunday when I realised that where I live now is simply a flat, which contains little, if anything to make it a home. My son was over for the weekend and we went out on Saturday (to cold and rainy Liverpool) which was okay but pretty tiring for both of us. When we got back my son was a little upset (his legs were hurting, he was tired) and I ended up having to call B because he kept asking to go home and sleep in his own bed. We convinced him to stay, B was going out on Sunday morning, but she had to bring round some DVDs and things for him.

Then on Sunday we had a lazy day, played on the Wii, watched some DVDs and generally slobbed around. Only when it got to the afternoon when we'd kind of run out of things to do did it hit me that there was nothing much in the flat for my son to play with and none of the things you kind of acquire in a house to make it a home.

It also struck me that this must be a problem for any partner who moves out from the family home, it's really hard to, for want of a better word, compete, with the parent that remains. Equally it must be difficult for anyone who is not the primary carer to not be able to provide the kind of environment that their children would want to live in, it seems there will always be some sort of inequality.

In my case I think I have put myself in the position where I elected to leave and restrict my accommodation and living expenses so that B and my son could maintain the same level of comfort that they have had before. I felt quite low about all of this yesterday when I realised that my son may not want to be staying with me and that I'd be the 'poor' parent in a sense. I still feel low but maybe a little angry as well that B still blames me for everything and keeps insisting that I got "what I wanted" ... I'm not really sure I wanted all of this or deserved it.

Ugly, fat, old, and stupid ...

... is how I feel at the moment.

I'm really very confused about all of this; gender, sexuality, life in general. I'm not sure what I should feel, what I should be, or whether I could ever achieve a change with suitable results if that is really the way I want to go.

My son was taking pictures of me tonight and I really just looked a complete mess with my hair all over the place (its nowhere near long enough to style or do anything with) and my face looked old and not in the least bit femme at all - I just looked a complete and utter state.

I don't want to go backwards, I don't want to have shorter nails or hair - I want it to get longer but I'm maybe kidding myself that it, and the rest of me is ever going to look anything like what I want. I'm not even sure that that is what I should be. But then I think that I have come some way and there are things I don't want to go back to; I don't want to have hairy legs or arms or bushy eye-brows for instance.

I've booked an appointment with my GP for next week (Tuesday) so I am going to ask to be referred for counselling for Gender Identity Disorder (GID) so that I can get help with this and work things out, it's getting me down now and I can't cope with it anymore, need to sort myself out.

My son is here this weekend and we're going to do some day-trip kinda stuff tomorrow (interactive museum kinda-thing) so that should hopefully take mind of things.

Can't think of the words

I've felt a little low today and the odd thing was getting me down but nothing too bad until B phoned to say that I wouldn't be able to see my son for the entire weekend because she no longer trusted me to stick to the rules.

The "rule" that I broke was that I (stupidly I now realise) had worn a pair of my (women's) jeans and opaque pop-socks when my son arrived on Tuesday evening. I honestly didn't think either of these were noticeable and I'd simply picked them off the bed as they were the clothes closest to hand when I rushed out of the shower having only 5mins to dry my hair before they arrived.

The pop-socks probably were a bit stupid as you could see through them a little but only if you looked real close. But I didn't think the jeans looked out of the ordinary at all, I've worn them to work before now and no-one seems to have noticed.

Anyway, I explained all of this and B seems to have relented and agreed to bring my son over on Friday night though she is still not happy and we had a fair amount of "discussion" (aka disagreement) on the phone covering a wide variety of things.

I now just feel even worse and confused, unhappy, as if everything is against me, just ... well I really don't know how to explain how I feel, I'm just going to go to bed and hope that things are clearer in the morning. I don't like how I feel at the moment, I just wish the feeling would go away.

Today's pain and sucess

Well, it's been quite a good day today (helped even more by the fab pic of my friend's boots - see previous post) and I got a few important things done.

First of all I got some new shoes from Evans yesterday and, having waited in almost all day for them to arrive I discovered to my horror that they didn't fit! However they were too big rather than too small, the latter would have been a disaster, as it is taking the shoes back to get a smaller size is just an opportunity for a challenge so overall probably a good thing.

So, I got to the Trafford Centre early to avoid having to deal with too many staring at me, asked the nice lady if I could change the shoes for a smaller size ... and then asked if I could try them on to just make sure! I was quite pleased at my bravery and there wasn't even a flicker of surprise on the lady's face, nor on the girl that went to get the shoes and even got me a 7 just to make sure that I didn't need to go down another size. I was quite pleased with myself and now own a pair of these shoes:
Not practical in the slightest, probably won't go with any outfits at all but but I just thought they looked so fab and colourful I just had to have them (now I need to sell lots of junk on eBay to pay for them).

The other achievement today was with what I was wearing; white shirt (bob-mode, couldn't find a blouse that looked right), boot-cut jeans, brown ankle boots, and dark purple nail varnish! All of this was without make-up or any other attempt to look femme as I was going for the laser hair removal so nothing allowed near my skin. I got a few odd looks but nothing that really concerned me too much and managed to wander round the Trafford Centre, Costco, and Asda without any trouble.

Afternoon was the pain bit of the day, but thankfully it wasn't really that painful. This is my first treatment with the laser and I'm told not to expect any real results yet (though I can't help but hope when alot of the hairs apparently got zapped and burnt out already).

The sensation is like, as someone else described, being pinged with an elastic band, it is quite uncomfortable and the top lip is very sensitive, but it's still not real excruciating, eye-watering pain like plucking your eyebrows for example. Also it's over pretty quickly, I can only have been there 5mins maximum, probably quicker and that was for a full face treatment. I've got 6 more treatments to go, the next being in 4 weeks.

Overall, a good day, now time to get some sleep!

Fab boots!

Sadly these are not my boots they, and the very sexy feet and legs filling them belong to my friend Mandy who is out on a hen do tonight attempting to stagger round on 5 (or maybe even 6) inch heels! Frankly I'm just totally jealous because I would love some boots like these! Anyway, I hope Mandy is having a fantastic time (guarenteed in boots like these) and I look forward to being drunk dialed at 3am tomorrow morning!