Running before you can walk

I've thought a few times that I've kind of done things in a rather odd way regarding my transition and this may have made things easier or harder for me and everyone else. In some ways it makes me feel worse and in others better.

The facts are that I don't look passable, not by a long, long way. Nor do I look particularly 'nice' or pretty or any adjective that you would care to choose. Also there are alot of things I hate about my body that are a dead give-away if you looked at them alone (excepting the obvious bits here), for example my hands, arms, legs, face, etc - you get the idea.

I best I look like an odd guy with long hair and too much make-up on. I know friends will argue against this quite strenuously and sometimes I do believe what they say (I think because there is that part inside me that wants to believe it, is secretly thrilled to see even the tiniest bit right, and ultimately drives the self-delusion that I can look right), but really, you can't argue with the facts: this is not the body of a woman (yet - I thought I would inject at least some optimism).

I think alot of transexuals would have, quite sensibly, maintained a dual-life during this period until they got on hormones and felt more confident about how they looked. I didn't for various reasons, the main one being that it wasn't too difficult to go this route - I work in a very understanding and accepting environment.

That does leave me with the difficulty of being fulltime and increasingly being unhappy with how I look/sound etc but not really wanting to go backwards as that would feel like failure and almost a reason for me not being destined for this life.

I know others that have done this already and reached a turning point as important as this have got really emotional and depressed and generally gone through hell. It bothers me quite alot that I'm not reacting like that at all. I am definitely nervous and, as I said last night, everything is going round in my head but I'm not acting too extreme by any standard.

I guess, in defence of this, I have NEVER been an extreme person, I've always tried to appear happy and cheery to everyone and essentially do hide a little behind that image. But even though that may be a public mask, how I am inside isn't *that* far from the facade - it really does take alot to get me upset and with most things in life I've just kind of accepted them and got on with it (count your blessings and all that).

I think Friday is going to be done in somewhat of a blur and it's only going to hit me afterwards. I'm not really afraid of that day, though I am very concerned that I either will have failed to 'qualify' for treatment or that, several years down the line it won't have had the desired affect.

I'm also not sure how strong I really am to deal with everything that this could involve - I have in some ways not been running at all, I've been taking the easy walk doing all the things that really don't make an awful lot of difference to who I am, what is it going to be like when I have to face up to the really difficult and unpleasant stuff?