Sunday, 1 February 2009

Missing them terribly

Emotions seem to be sneaking up on me at the moment. It's all very well trying to put a brave face on things and carry on as normal but it still hurts.

I saw my son this weekend and he had to leave at 12 to go to a party, which was fine, not going to stand in the way of his social life. Didn't think anything of him leaving, it was just one of those things it's happened many weekends before. No real impact, just got on with things, until I opened the fridge and saw the cream cake that he was going to have but which we forgot about.

I know it sounds silly but something little and insignificant like that really did upset me and I suddenly missed him lots.

I'm missing my old life quite a bit at the moment. I miss having a home, partner, son, family and all those things that you're meant to have. I miss being there to look after B and my son. I guess the relationships between us all are getting better now but in some ways that just makes it worse as it's easier to see the good things without there being tension in the way.

I don't feel too well at the moment either, nothing serious but kind of dull headache and cold-like symptoms. I feel quite tired too - certainly this weekend I've had irregular sleep and have dozed off after reading a bedtime book with my son and then woken up about an hour later feeling quite disorientated. It's kind of a similar feeling to when I use to travel and would come back jet-lagged and fall asleep in my sons room.

The flat is cold also and that doesn't help, neither does the fact that I haven't got any proper exercise in ages. I just want some warmer weather or a warmer house (well a home is what I really want) just so I feel a bit more comfortable.

I best get to bed now, I'm up late tonight when I really just feel like falling into bed and sleeping ... but gotta get up early tomorrow.

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