Monday, 1 December 2008

All over the place

Since the weekend my emotions and thoughts have been running at a ridiculous rate. I've had feelings that remind me of when I started this journey (I really need to find some better metaphors), when I was part of a real family, also when I was convinced that I did look quite good (they don't last long).

I can't slow down my thoughts; I can go from totally lacking in confidence to almost feeling arrogant and self-assured. The slightest thing can make me feel good or feel bad. All the while I'm kind of watching this inner turmoil and just trying to stop myself from getting carried away. I'm almost trying to think so much so that I don't think at all.

I read the comment to my previous post and was very moved by what Alex said about her experience, so much so that I started to get tears in my eyes but then my brain just whizzed onto something else; I'm trying to fill my head with so much to avoid facing reality I guess.

I don't feel depressed or anything like that, just kind of manic I guess and I know I will not be happy about that at some point soon. I also know that I'm going to seem very insensitive and selfish and totally self-absorbed and I'm sorry to everyone because of that.

Friday could be one gigantic anti-climax, or it may even be a complete and total disaster - I might not be doing the right thing; over the past few days I have certainly thought that. Maybe I am going to end up really becoming a woman - when I say it like that it seems unbelievable ... when I caught my reflection in the window at work this evening I realised how far I had come and how much I had changed already.

I suspect this and subsequent blog posts aren't going to be particularly coherent and interesting and will essentially be me just rambling randomly, sorry about that also! Please bear with me, normal, and possibly ever so slightly different and new, service will be resumed shortly.

[ Yep, pretty much self-indulgent gibberish all this is as well ... even mentioning that is probably just making it worse! ]


Alex said...

One of my very best friends called Kay, who has now just started her transition, reminded me of the time I had been in turmoil much like you are now Fiona. We discussed how irratic my ramblings were on the successful TG groups I ran at the time, and indeed my pouring out of mixed emosions. This lead to blow outs by me screeming to all the others that they just did not understand the gravity of what I was facing in my life, and how much I was going to have to face in the way of change.
Tears, thoughts of suicide, thoughts of giving name it hunni, I had it and did it.
Try to not think about how you look to me or anyone else in this time of major decisions. Your choice will be an important one that will be decided by you alone, and no one else matters. Yes, I do mean no one excepting the ones closest to you. Decide, rant, and do what you have to do to get through this, and you will get out the other side a sane woman.......well, I'm convinced I'm sane anyway, I hope, lol.
My best wishes and thoughts go with you hunni.
Alex. x

Lori D said...

Keep ranting when you need to, no matter how much you think others may see it as jibberish. I had to do just that in my latest post because of all that's happened to me. I relate to you, I have a tendency to overthink things so much that I lose sleep over it.
Try and do your best to find some common things that bring you peace during times of turmoil like this. Hang in there.