What to wear

I was just thinking about what I wear and how I select the clothes, make-up, hair (though that has a mind of it's own), shoes, etc every day.

One thing I do still do is kind of latch onto ideas and then go on a shopping spree for that one thing, e.g. recently I decided I wanted to wear skirts to work more often but didn't have many that were suitable so I went and bought three in one go. I wore one yesterday and I'm back to trousers today!

So why the change? Well I wasn't happy with how I looked yesterday as it didn't really work how I had expected it to do, really needed to re-group and try again!

Which leads to another method of selection: going for things that I'm comfortable with and I think have worked before, e.g. I like the trousers I'm wearing today as they fall nice and the blouse is one of my favorite silk ones in purple (I like purple) and it's also pretty expensive.

Yes, snob value can also be a selection criteria; if there is something that was expensive I can feel better in it if my confidence is a bit low.

Sometimes though I guess I go a bit OTT and that is because, when it comes down to it, one of the main reasons behind my choices is to try and overcome the doubt in my head and lack of confidence.

Looking for love

Well, I'm not really as I'm clearly too f***ed up to have a meaningful (or even meaningless) relationship at the moment and probably wouldn't even know where to start looking. But since I mentioned having a rather quiet and empty flat (well I said bed in the previous post actually) I thought I would mention what my ideal partner would be like in the alsmost certain knowledge that I'll never meet anyone like that (though I can still have a glimmer of hope in dreaming about it):

• Lesbian - and a very understanding one at that as I'm clearly not completely female yet (or ever if you want to get picky)
  
• Rich

Yep, that's about it. Really one of the characters out of The L Word would do nicely!

Okay, on a more serious point I guess someone who can be understanding, supportive, and just accept me for me (and associated emotional and psychological baggage) is the main and obvious requirements.

Anyway, back to reality.

Where do I start?

I come up with all sorts of cool titles and ideas for blog posts which then evaporate when I actually get time to sit down at the computer. Probably not helped by me posting this after 9pm (GMT so really feels like 10pm BST) on a Sunday night when I really should be getting ready for work tomorrow and snuggling into bed*.

[ * - Was going to say "a warm bed" but it isn't until I've got into it and warmed it up. This is an overly accurate description of the fact that I have no-one else to warm my bed up for me, something I just feel compelled to mention at this point; just another consequence of the choices I have made ]

I've had lots to think about over the weekend in some ways as my son was over from Friday until Sunday and this is the one 'blip' in my usual fulltime regime - I'm not allowed to be 'Fiona' when he is around.

Of course I still am me irrespective of what I wear though it's not easy to remember that as alot of my identity still comes from how I present myself in the clothes I wear along with make-up, hair, accessories, etc. It would be nice to think I'm completely secure in who/what I am but I'm not and it is hard to disconnect feelings from my 'old' life from the idea that they are in some way 'male'.

I've actually noticed a pattern in my feelings when approaching a weekend with my son:

• First I feel excited to be seeing him and looking forward to doing fun things
  
• Next comes the wrench of realisation that I have to change from Fiona into someone (in appearance at least) that I no longer like being.
• Then it's the horrible feeling of actually being dressed in, what are now really and physically, ill-fitting clothes and the added emotions of dealing with the situation of seeing my former partner (can't be fun for her either ... she's said as much - which is perfectly understandable)
• Memories of how things were and how I was once a 'normal' father come flooding back and it feels like I've never been nor will be this 'Fiona' person anymore
• Something then re-asserts itself and I maybe over-compensate a bit and try to think female thoughts and behave as less of a man (in reality I don't think this is hard - never really being a really good man/father)
  
• I then start to dislike the slightest male thing and long to get back into the clothes and presentation in which I am comfortable though I do feel as if this is odd in someway
• After my son leaves it is perculiar that I don't crash into the bedroom and throw on the girliest thing I can find. I do eventually get there and just feel natural and comfortable and almost back to my 'normal' self.

At the moment I feel tired and a bit drained, I wonder if I'm coming down with a cold or am simply just tired after the weekend. Or all of the things that have been going through my head could have finally caught up with me.

One thing that does stick in my head is a picture from a few months ago (actually maybe 6months ago now) when I still had relatively short hair and was out with my son in Liverpool. I worry (and probably with good reason) that I don't look good or particularly female now (even with straightened hair) but I can try and bury those thoughts under the idea that the hormones will help.

However, looking at this picture I have to say I hate how I looked. Really and truely I look hideous, a joke, just ... I can't think of the adjectives I just never ever want to look like that again, I just hate everything about looking male and stupid and just wrong.

Which kind of brings me back to what I feel about my 'old' and 'new' lives. I am probably floundering somewhat when it comes to presenting as the 'new' me and I can go a bit OTT when it comes to buying new clothes and things. I think this is down to some degree of desperation and futile belief that "this will make me feel more girlie" as a reason for any new purchase.

I don't think 'things' will help in the end (well they do I little I guess) but I'm hoping that the further down along this journey I go the easier it will be to feel right.

I think I really should get to bed as I doubt this is actually a really clear view of what is in my head anymore - things will be clearer in the morning I think.

More name changing

Filled in the online passport application today and submitted it, I now only have to wait for a few days for the print-out to be sent to me to sign and return. I'm thinking that I will see about getting an appointment at the passport office in Liverpool so that I can get everything done and dusted in person to avoid any potential delays.

I was going to apply to get my driving license changed but the on-line application for that asks for a passport number so it looks like it will be easier to wait until that is done. I'm obviously going to have to wait to change bank details and other more official things until I have my passport anyway.

One thing that has been changed is my mobile phone contract, just had a look on-line and it's now got my new name and gender! It was actually a wonderful feeling seeing that!

One thing that did suddenly occur to me is that my no claims discount on my car insurance will need transferring to my new name/gender ... and I also wondered whether I'll suddenly be classed as a safer driver because I'm female! Hmmm, think I might update the current policy and then try a little experiement when I renew and see if gender makes any difference (it probably doesn't given how long I've been driving and the fact that I don't do alot of miles now).

More surveilance madness

In a similar vein to the previous post about censoring/filtering internet content clearly the government is intent on a two-pronged approach; they'll stop people seeing things they don't want and monitor what they do look at just in case they missed something. Oh, and we'll add to that by tracking your calls as well since these will now be tied to your identity.

Looks like there is going to be a thriving market in stolen phones, activated SIM cards, forged identity documents and a whole host of other things to help those people who really don't want their identity to be logged to avoid that happening.

Surely measures like this just make the problems they attempt to solve worse? If you aim to catch terrorists, for example, with a measure like this then you will likely only get the stupid/poor ones that don't think about this problem or can't afford to get around it. So that still leaves the clever/rich ones at large and presumably means that only that variety can survive. So we have a kind of evolution of terrorists - doesn't this seem like a bad thing?

I'm not sure what the alternative approach is but such mass monitoring seems like using a 100lb hammer to crap a nut!