Abused, Angry and Upset

Have you ever been so angry or upset that you really wanted to hurt someone, wanting to make see them experience as much pain as they have made you feel? I have had only very few comments from idiotic and stupid people concerning my being trans and certainly never come across any such vile, base, and chauvinistic men as I encountered last night. I was left so upset and angry that I stated that such men should be dead.

We had decided to go for one last drink after a really fabulous afternoon and evening out to celebrate a friends birthday. We went to a fairly trendy-looking bar in London's China Town and managed to get a seat right at the back of the place, there were a group of guys there who seemed to be rather loud and probably drunk but I didn't think much of it and went to the toilet.

When I returned, Rachel had got the drinks and was carrying them back to the table and the the gang or guys seemed to be rather excitable and were making quite alot of comments along the lines of "get 'em out!" and other puerile chants. I should probably say that Rachel was wearing a very clingy dress, and a fedora hat and looked very glam, stylish, and frankly quite sexy. I'd gone for a shortish silver dress (more like a tunic), black tights and red shoes. Yes, we were quite 'over-dressed' but that was the theme of the day out.

Anyway, I guess, looking back on this, that the guys must have been chanting/whooping and maybe passing comments about Rachel while I was away so when she turned to me and said "Kiss me" I assumed it was to point out, in no uncertain terms, that we were a couple and not interested in the guys. Looking back that doesn't seem like it was such a good idea now as that just made them more excitable while we had a rather passionate kiss. It really didn't register as a problem at the time and we just smiled and sat down to have our drinks.

At this point one of the group sat down right next to me, uncomfortably close. I could see him in the mirror opposite and he was looking away from us but something in his body language told me that he'd sat there purposefully, it wasn't just because of lack of seating. I think a few of my friends noticed this and moved round so I could shift along. The guy then shifted along even closer.

I felt very uncomfortable, and was worried what he was going to do or say. I tightened the grip on my purse and pulled by coat closer on my lap, I felt like I was being bullied and harassed and it made me really angry to be made to feel like that. I'm not sure I can describe how horrible that is, though I'm pretty sure most women have experienced that at some point in their lives; a man who thinks he has the right to invade personal space, to show no respect, and to assume that what they intend to do, whether it's to talk, touch, or kiss (or worse) it is something they are entitled to do.

I really should have felt scared I guess but I was just really angry at being bullied and harassed in this way and it got to the point pretty quickly where I just felt so annoyed that I turned round to this guy and basically threatened to "knee him so hard, that he wouldn't be able to have children, if he didn't go away". The term "rash" doesn't really cover it in hindsight, I really should have either being more polite or just moved away.

Worse was to come, the guy just turned back to me and said "You're a guy!", to which I obviously responded that I was a woman and might have even mumbled "trans" in there somewhere but the damage was already done and he seemed to take great delight in going round his mates and telling them this. There were shouts of "hit him" and I'm not sure whether they were directed at me or him but at that point we decided to move so as not to find out. I was still really angry, in fact maybe more so and I tried to tell one of the bar staff who was just collecting glasses that the guys were harassing us and he said he'd sort out out but we just moved away instead.

We sat nearer the door where it was quite light and spacious and at one point Rachel got up to dance and I really would have loved to have got up with her; I did try but I had just had such a huge hole blown in my confidence that I had to sit down again. I felt horrible; angry at the way I was treated, wanting to inflict the same hurt or worse on the guy concerned, and upset at myself for how badly I'd handled things and for the comments I'd made. I'm sure any woman in the same position would have felt bad at resorting to saying such things, it's not how you want to behave, but it made me feel doubly worse I guess as I'd almost descended to a 'male' level.

I managed to hold the tears back until we got into our room at the hotel but eventually ended up crying my eyes out as Rachel hugged and tried to console me. Went to bed after that and thankfully fell asleep pretty quickly even with all of this going through my head. Having updated twitter last night I wanted to get everything written in the blog this morning so it was out of my head. I think the strangeness of how social-networking helps I deal with my problems is worthy of it's own post later on!

How do I feel now? Well, better for writing it all down, it does seem like I can forget about it now, secure in the knowledge that the experience is captured here. It's a nice day outside and hopefully we're all going to have a nice time exploring parts of London and I can push all of this to the back of my mind and not think about it.

Out on the town

Out in London for Sue's birthday, if i knew how to send pics to twitter i would be updating that instead of the blog, as i could end up with a proliferation of lots of entries here!

GIC

As well as seeing a private specialist I also got a referral from my G.P. in Chorley to the NHS Gender Identity Clinic in Leeds. Contrary to alot of the reports I read on various forums, it is quite possible and acceptable to go for the shared-care approach rather than having to be limited to only private or only NHS treatment.

So I had my first appointment on Thursday, not actually too far from where I live and not in the middle of Leeds or anything (as I feared) so easy to get to as well. Of course it was a nightmare to park as seems to be the case with all hospitals I've been to (Gordon Brown, here's an idea for all those Banker's bonuses, pay for more parking and let the Nurses and staff park for free).

The appointment was very informal, just the start of the process and really a chance to talk about my history which I did at great speed with many tangents and diversions - I really must learn to slow down and stick to a point! Anyway all seemed to go well and I have another appointment in January to look forward to.

It may not seem like a particularly fast process but I guess the point about alot of the treatment is that there has to be checks to make sure it really is the right thing and also you have to allow time to adjust both physically and mentally to the various changes you go through. Of course it never does seem fast enough, but as long as you get there in the end.

OMG, why?!

It's terrible, almost too horrible to describe, totally inexplicable, a shock, words really do fail me. I wish I had been more prepared for this, if I could have got some help, maybe even professional advice or a support group or something. I really just don't know where to start or what to do, I'm completely at a loss.

Why, oh, why, oh, why ... have I got a Twitter account!!

Yes, I have finally succumbed to the latest in social-networking time-sinks for the very flimsiest of reasons:

1. There is a work-related Twitter account I wanted to follow#
2. I didn't want anyone else to get the "fionasboots" ID!
3. Erm, no, that's it, no other reason at all!

So, you will notice that I now have short, bite-sized, drivel fed from Twitter on the front page of the blog (look to your left), which I might even manage to keep up to date! Since my account is rather devoid of followers at the moment, please head over to http://twitter.com/fionasboots (or is that @fionasboots in Twitter speak?) and add/follow/whatever me.

Hurt, Acceptance and Hurt

I've said this before but it is worth repeating: being transsexual really messes up your life. It hurts those around you, your family, friends and ultimately you. Really and seriously, this is not something to do unless you are really, really, really sure it is the only way. One of the things that causes hurt all round is lack of acceptance.

In some ways the word "acceptance" in the context of transsexuality seems to imply quite alot, usually everything to one person and too much to everyone else. What a trans person ultimately wants is to be accepted totally and completely for who, and what, they are. But there is a more subtle and possibly more important part of acceptance and that is simply about dealing with reality. And maybe, to go one step further, to be objective about this rather than being swayed by prejudice, rumour, hearsay and downright myth.

I can't imagine what it is like for those close to me to have seen how I have changed from what they were use to into what appears to be a different person. I obviously feel I desperately need and want this transformation but they must feel equally strongly that they want me to be as I was. Not being able to at least acknowledge that this is what has and is happening just leads to hurt for everyone; for them because they will always be feeling the sense of loss and frustration and never moving on, and for me I just get treated like an outcast, and blamed for everything no matter what.

Being treated as if you are evil, wrong, purely selfish, inconsiderate, thoughtless, uncaring and unfeeling is horrible. Being ignored and your transition/gender disregarded with no hint that the issues you have are real is equally frustrating and upsetting. Being treated as if you are not a responsible, caring, and loving parent is also cruel and unwarranted.

All of the above sounds extreme and almost like life is a constant battle ground and that these issues are constantly apparent but that isn't the case, the problems are more subtle and insidious. All sorts of justifications can be used by those who don't accept what is happening and this can spiral out of control to the point that everyone involved is hurt, worst of all those who are vulnerable and ultimately will be upset and scarred the most.

I don't know how else to explain any of this without just ranting and getting more upset and frustrated. I know my transition has not been a pleasant thing for some but I never, ever, ever meant any of this to hurt anyone nor have I done this out of malice or even from some secret and devious plan. It has just happened, it's just how I am, it really and truly can't be helped and I am utterly sorry that people have been hurt because of it.

Acceptance, just a small amount of acceptance of what this is and what I am going through. Please.