I was just talking to me friend, S, here at work and she told me that I had apparently been the subject of much discussion in the office on Friday afternoon (I left early because my son was coming over in the evening for the weekend).
It seems that there had been some talk amongst the guys in the office about my hair, nails, and even they had noticed the thinned eyebrows. S said they called her over and asked if she was going to ask me outright, she said about what, and they replied "him turning into a woman", and then queried whether "or do you already know something that we don't".
When I was talking to S I said that it was actually interesting to know what people said about me behind my back as I obviously hear what is said about everyone else I'd always been curious how I was viewed. I'd assumed that there was little that would be said about me in general, maybe comments of being a bit of a geek and such but generally that I was not interesting enough to be the topic of conversation.
Sitting back down to write this though I'm quite shaken, though not entirely sure why. I'm going through possible responses to someone asking me outright about this in front of everyone, as this is what S expects would happen. Not a nice prospect that, being asked in private and in confidence is one thing but with an audience of "guys" it's quite another as they are likely to be very, well, "blokey" about the questioning and any answer.
I'm not brilliant at being put on the spot and responding with witty replies, I'd like to be able to say something scathing like: "So this is how you question somebody who you suspect of having GID and who is probably depressed and confused?" OR the much more threatening: "So you thought you'd act all tough and ask someone a personal question in a way that qualifies as harassment?"
What will probably happen is I'll blush and mumble something incoherent along the lines of the above and will then be made fun of for a considerable time.
Time to talk to the HR director I think before anything nasty is said.
BTW, if there is anyone from work who has been bright enough to figure out that this is my blog then I hope that reading it will make you realise that intense public questioning is probably the last thing I need and you'd be doing the decent thing and dropping the subject as well as advising everyone else to do the same.
Thursday, 12 June 2008
Spend, spend, spend ... why?
I just spent about £120 on three pairs of shoes that I hope are going to go with outfits I intend to wear at Sparkle. I've also just been looking at some fabulous earrings and considering buying those AND getting my ears pierced in order to wear them. So why do I spend so much money?
Well, I also just did a little reality check and looked a bit harder at some pictures I took that didn't really show me at my best, the angle and lighting were all a bit too harsh and didn't capture the look that a wanted to show. To be blunt there was a bit too much "guy with make-up on" look rather than "fab woman about town" which was the look I was aiming for.
So, having a think about all this it occurred to me that I buy all this stuff in a vain attempt to feel/look more female using almost a circular kind of argument; if I own these things then I must be female as they are items that only a woman would want.
Of course, the reality is that no amount of clothes, shoes, jewellery or other things is going to change anything, so it's really just going to burn up money, effort, and time. I guess the only real solution is to do something about me rather try and hope against hope that the next outfit will magically make my outer appearance match the inner ideal that I want to be.
Well, I also just did a little reality check and looked a bit harder at some pictures I took that didn't really show me at my best, the angle and lighting were all a bit too harsh and didn't capture the look that a wanted to show. To be blunt there was a bit too much "guy with make-up on" look rather than "fab woman about town" which was the look I was aiming for.
So, having a think about all this it occurred to me that I buy all this stuff in a vain attempt to feel/look more female using almost a circular kind of argument; if I own these things then I must be female as they are items that only a woman would want.
Of course, the reality is that no amount of clothes, shoes, jewellery or other things is going to change anything, so it's really just going to burn up money, effort, and time. I guess the only real solution is to do something about me rather try and hope against hope that the next outfit will magically make my outer appearance match the inner ideal that I want to be.
Monday, 9 June 2008
Socialization sucks
Another bizarre stream of conciousness that I thought I'd subject the internet to:
I saw an update from someone on Facebook about dropping their daughter off at Grandmothers for the weekend. Not too surprising, but what made me think is that this person apparently writes about open relationships and I presume practices what she preaches.
It got me wondering what that was like for a child growing up in such an environment, it might be a bit like going through multiple seperations or divorces I decided. Much better to have a nice stable married couple to bring up a child, that's the ideal after all.
And then it hit me: I remember reading that marriage is only a relatively recent concept, or certainly the idea that it was the 'ideal' scenario is only something that has been pushed (I think it was within the last few hundred years).
So my reaction to what I read was entirely based on what I had been told to expect and see as ideal! Just a cultural bias rather than an objective opinion. It is amazing how much prejudice is actually built into your head without you knowing it.
I saw an update from someone on Facebook about dropping their daughter off at Grandmothers for the weekend. Not too surprising, but what made me think is that this person apparently writes about open relationships and I presume practices what she preaches.
It got me wondering what that was like for a child growing up in such an environment, it might be a bit like going through multiple seperations or divorces I decided. Much better to have a nice stable married couple to bring up a child, that's the ideal after all.
And then it hit me: I remember reading that marriage is only a relatively recent concept, or certainly the idea that it was the 'ideal' scenario is only something that has been pushed (I think it was within the last few hundred years).
So my reaction to what I read was entirely based on what I had been told to expect and see as ideal! Just a cultural bias rather than an objective opinion. It is amazing how much prejudice is actually built into your head without you knowing it.
Educating Marmalade
Sometimes my mind works in bizarre ways to arrive at certain thoughts and there odd occasions when I can actually remember the various steps I took so here is an example of this.
Woke up this morning and realised I hadn't filled in my timesheet for last week (this is a big deal where I work as they have a report run to see who has been 'naughty' and forgotten) so my first words were something along the lines of "f***" or I think the slightly more acceptable "bollocks!".
On arriving at work I reflected on the mornings expletives as I considered recounting this story to my manager as a humourous way of avoiding some of the stigma of letting the side down in terms of a full set of complete timesheets. I was going to say "Yes, I forgot, first thing I said this morning was a swear word ... bit like the beginning for Four Weddings and a Funeral ... though sadly without Charlotte Coleman in the next room".
This reminded me that I always liked Charlotte Coleman even though I didn't actually see alot of the controversial (well at the time) TV/films that she did, a full list of which are on her IMDB entry, "Oranges Are not the Only Fruit" being the one that sticks in my mind as causing a bit of a stir at the time.
[ Just as a brief aside I've only just discovered, having looked at the various pages above that Charlotte Coleman died in 2001 aged only 33, from an asthma attack. I was actually quite shocked and sad when I read that. ]
Anyway, this led me to remember that Charlotte Coleman was also in Educating Marmalade and played the main character Marmalade Atkins ... which led me to also wonder if this was another childhood character who I wanted to be ... along with the slightly more embarrassing She-Ra!
Woke up this morning and realised I hadn't filled in my timesheet for last week (this is a big deal where I work as they have a report run to see who has been 'naughty' and forgotten) so my first words were something along the lines of "f***" or I think the slightly more acceptable "bollocks!".
On arriving at work I reflected on the mornings expletives as I considered recounting this story to my manager as a humourous way of avoiding some of the stigma of letting the side down in terms of a full set of complete timesheets. I was going to say "Yes, I forgot, first thing I said this morning was a swear word ... bit like the beginning for Four Weddings and a Funeral ... though sadly without Charlotte Coleman in the next room".
This reminded me that I always liked Charlotte Coleman even though I didn't actually see alot of the controversial (well at the time) TV/films that she did, a full list of which are on her IMDB entry, "Oranges Are not the Only Fruit" being the one that sticks in my mind as causing a bit of a stir at the time.
[ Just as a brief aside I've only just discovered, having looked at the various pages above that Charlotte Coleman died in 2001 aged only 33, from an asthma attack. I was actually quite shocked and sad when I read that. ]
Anyway, this led me to remember that Charlotte Coleman was also in Educating Marmalade and played the main character Marmalade Atkins ... which led me to also wonder if this was another childhood character who I wanted to be ... along with the slightly more embarrassing She-Ra!
Monday, 2 June 2008
This isn't easy for anyone
I was thinking of trying to write a blog entry to try and balance the obvious bias here and try to point out how things look from my wife's point of view. I may try and sit down and do that later this week but for now I just wanted to try and get across that this really isn't fun for anyone at the moment, least of all my wife.
I just spoke to my wife today since I'd noticed she was online and was concerned that she or my son were ill (half term was last week they should have both been back at school/work). It turns out my wife (I think I'll refer to her as 'B' from now on since I guess that's more appropriate) doesn't go back until Wednesday.
So anyway we then talked about various things like holidays, birthdays, Christmas and the timetable for when I can see my son. All the time B's voice was on the point of cracking and she sounded upset and cried a few times, particularly when she said about going up to see my parents this weekend - they had a key to the house that she, understandably, wanted back. I didn't think she would take the, rather brave, step of travelling up to see them.
B also took two paintings up to my parents house both of which she had bought for me, one when we were first going out (it hung in the bathroom of our first house), and the other when we got married (it was my wedding present from B). I had said I would leave these pictures in the house, the second one was in the dining room and was covering a rather uneven bit of plaster on the wall, but they must have been too painful for B to keep there so she took the opportunity to remove them.
I guess I've been a bit ambivalent about reminders of our life together, I've not actively kept lots of pictures and keep-sakes nor dotted them round the flat. On the other hand I have a photo-book that B made after our anniversary 2 years ago and I don't feel that I want to throw anything like that away even though it does make me feel sad to look at such things.
When talking to B today I did feel that I wanted to help her and try to make her feel better and not so sad and upset, and it reminded me that I do still have feelings for her and care alot about her; I know that I said I didn't love her anymore before we split up but I always thought that was more of a decision I made with my head rather than my heart (sorry, that sounds terribly corny but it was either that or some really impersonal way of putting it).
I just didn't feel I could say I loved B because the next question would have been "If you love me then why do what you do?" and I don't think it was right to say one thing which implied I would stop exploring being Fiona - well it's not even that, it's exploring being me!
Just as an aside I wonder now whether naming the 'other' person you may want to become isn't part of the problem with partners accepting things. It seems that by making that part of your personality into a separate identity you're creating more problems than you solve. I'm me, every part of my personality is just me, there aren't two separate people it's just that I look strikingly different when dressed as 'Fiona'. I don't really act much different and I'm trying to avoid doing that as well.
I still care deeply about B, and of course my son as well, and I don't want to see either of them hurt or upset, but I guess that is unfortunately what is going to happen for all of us, there aren't any magic ways to avoid the pain of separation. Maybe I don't show it as much or even admit it as much to myself or others but I still can't escape feeling that I have lost a great deal.
I just hope that, with time, the pain will become less for all of us and that we can all go on to find some happiness in life - again I'm sorry this sounds so corny but it's very hard to put all of this into words.
I just spoke to my wife today since I'd noticed she was online and was concerned that she or my son were ill (half term was last week they should have both been back at school/work). It turns out my wife (I think I'll refer to her as 'B' from now on since I guess that's more appropriate) doesn't go back until Wednesday.
So anyway we then talked about various things like holidays, birthdays, Christmas and the timetable for when I can see my son. All the time B's voice was on the point of cracking and she sounded upset and cried a few times, particularly when she said about going up to see my parents this weekend - they had a key to the house that she, understandably, wanted back. I didn't think she would take the, rather brave, step of travelling up to see them.
B also took two paintings up to my parents house both of which she had bought for me, one when we were first going out (it hung in the bathroom of our first house), and the other when we got married (it was my wedding present from B). I had said I would leave these pictures in the house, the second one was in the dining room and was covering a rather uneven bit of plaster on the wall, but they must have been too painful for B to keep there so she took the opportunity to remove them.
I guess I've been a bit ambivalent about reminders of our life together, I've not actively kept lots of pictures and keep-sakes nor dotted them round the flat. On the other hand I have a photo-book that B made after our anniversary 2 years ago and I don't feel that I want to throw anything like that away even though it does make me feel sad to look at such things.
When talking to B today I did feel that I wanted to help her and try to make her feel better and not so sad and upset, and it reminded me that I do still have feelings for her and care alot about her; I know that I said I didn't love her anymore before we split up but I always thought that was more of a decision I made with my head rather than my heart (sorry, that sounds terribly corny but it was either that or some really impersonal way of putting it).
I just didn't feel I could say I loved B because the next question would have been "If you love me then why do what you do?" and I don't think it was right to say one thing which implied I would stop exploring being Fiona - well it's not even that, it's exploring being me!
Just as an aside I wonder now whether naming the 'other' person you may want to become isn't part of the problem with partners accepting things. It seems that by making that part of your personality into a separate identity you're creating more problems than you solve. I'm me, every part of my personality is just me, there aren't two separate people it's just that I look strikingly different when dressed as 'Fiona'. I don't really act much different and I'm trying to avoid doing that as well.
I still care deeply about B, and of course my son as well, and I don't want to see either of them hurt or upset, but I guess that is unfortunately what is going to happen for all of us, there aren't any magic ways to avoid the pain of separation. Maybe I don't show it as much or even admit it as much to myself or others but I still can't escape feeling that I have lost a great deal.
I just hope that, with time, the pain will become less for all of us and that we can all go on to find some happiness in life - again I'm sorry this sounds so corny but it's very hard to put all of this into words.
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