Trafford Centre

Well, I finally made it! It took an awful lot of psyching myself up and my heart was absolutely pounding when I got there but I managed to actually wander round the Trafford Centre!

First the bad bits - I took some pics of me before and after the little trip and some of them looked terrible, I look absolutely hideous! Also not happy about the make-up it definitely shows up too much against the very pale skin below my neckline - I either need different foundation, a sun-tan, or less make-up in the first place (hopefully this may be easier after IPL/electrolysis/whatever). Also felt a little bit of an anti-climax after wandering round for a bit which wasn't what I'd expected to feel but on the other hand, this is maybe simply because I have actually done plenty of shopping in the US/Canada and this experience does kind of merge into those memories. In fact I did have the spooky feeling of deja vous in some stores as they shops all do look alot alike!

So here's a pic of me before going out (I am a little more wind-swept on returning as the weather has turned cold/wet/windy:I haven't time for a full piuc of the outfit but it's a combination of things I've worn before, brown blouse top from Gap, denim skirt (knee length), brown Nine West boots. Also wore my brown cord jacket.

Got to the Trafford Centre and did for a moment think of just turning round and coming home, I really was very nervous. Finally convinced myself to get out of the car and walk in. Used my mobile phone as a sort of comfort blanket - staring at that meant not having to look around me. Gradually did this less and less as the reactions I got mirrored those in Canada; some people don't even notice, some look once but no reaction, some look twice but that's it and some stare a bit too long but will look away when you stare back.

Wandered all the way from John Lewis to Debenhams - that's the full length of the Trafford Centre, I'd decided that I'd try that for a start without doing anything more risky. Had a look at some clothes in Debenhams, nothing that interesting jumped out at me.

Did notice someone in the store who had a few tell-tale TG signs; they had quite sharp features, looked a fair bit older than me but dressed a bit OTT (sorry, that is a bit of a harsh thing to say but I did notice that but immediately thought - could be an RG they can over-dress too) I didn't look long enough to be absolutely certain - I know for a fact I don't like people staring at me so I'm not going to do it to someone else.

On my walk back towards John Lewis I decided to have a look in Dorothy Perkins as I wanted to see if they had any nice tops (though I guess last week was Summer and that's our lot now in terms of Sun). Managed to find a very bright dress (like one I already bought but a much brighter pattern) and they'd done the same thing again in making a top in the same material. Got that and also a brown/gold top that might go well with jeans for a clubbing night out :D

I did wander round John Lewis for a while having gotten quite use to being out and about and wondering what else I could do. Decided to go as it was getting near teatime and I'd achieved what I set out to do.

Got back to the car and the first song to come on was Take That's 'Rule The World' which is from the soundtrack to Stardust which was wonderful! They also had "Love it when you call" by The Feeling on further into the journey and I love that song as well - I was singing away with the radio at full volume!

Continuing confusion

I tried to kick-start my happiness a bit today by really trying to think positive and listen to some up-lifting music and generally trying to realise that I've been through and am still going through so much and that I need to lighten up on myself and try and put everything in perspective.

I did okay(ish) with this and I had some good points today in terms of getting things done. I also had a really nice talk about to the local HR representative about my situation and it seems that the company I work for is very understanding and supportive and is more that willing to discuss how we deal with everything to avoid any problems.

My friend also suggested counselling as I've obviously been through alot and am still confused about everything. I had a few brief glimpses of the fact that I am still repressing alot of my feelings and thoughts. Unfortunately I'm still repressing alot I guess and I really don't know what is happening with my life and myself, I'm see-sawing between all sorts of feelings ... I just want it all to go away and stop being so confusing.

Oh and I think I look terrible - everything is wrong, all the little things just mount up to me not being what I want to be ... or maybe I'm just making all that up in my own head and this is all just a silly fantasy and never really going to happen so I should just forget about it all. Maybe I was fooling myself and everyone else all along?

I think it's time I went to bed, I need to get some sleep.

Karma is odd

Today has, so far, contained both good and bad things.

A friend at work, and luckily the local HR representative (one of many roles she has), talked to HR in our head office on my behalf to ask about their approach and policies regarding TG staff. Essentially the response was very positive and they said they are 100% supportive and, when and if I feel ready, I can discuss the various possibilities with the HR director to explore the various options. I should point out at the moment that my name hasn't been mentioned regarding this enquiry.

So that was certainly a good thing as was the fact that I managed to make an appointment with Transform for a free consultation regarding facial hair removal. I have a sneaking suspicion that we're talking lots of money here and they also mentioned IPL when their website says LightSheer Laser ... however, that could all be one and the same thing!

On the downside I phoned up my doctors to change my address and was told I'm now out of their area (I only moved a few miles!) so I need to re-register with a different surgery. This is a bit of a blow as I'd assumed that I'd be able to stay with the same doctor who I have got use to and felt I could trust should things progress in my life. Having to change is a bit scarey and I'm also concerned where I may end up as this flat is near the slightly rougher end of town.

On a slightly less severe note, but still mildly inconvenient, I had the washing machine repair man out today to look at the washer/dryer in the flat as I'd reported that the floor was damp and there was quite a racket when the things was spinning (the machine not the floor :D) and didn't sound healthy.

Turns out the a very large weight in the machine has been loose for some time (by the looks of it) and had broken the drum leaving a very large hole at the top where the water would have been sloshing out all over the place! Time for a new washer/dryer! I just hope the landlord and agent get this sorted quickly, my clothes are piling up!

Bit disappointed in myself

On the positive side I did manage to cycle over 20miles today which has hopefully helped with my fitness, weight loss, and general well-being (not least of which as I seemed to have skipped lunch so that'll mean the ice cream I have tonight won't be such a big deal).

When I got back I tried to sort myself out and made an attempt to look good - I was really struggling to find anything summery to wear, particularly shoes - I haven't many that are suitable and the few (literally one or two) that could be considered to fit the bill aren't comfy. The weather then intervened and we've had thunder and lightening so foot-wear is no longer a problem; boots will do :D

I really can't get my make-up right but the main bit that's wrong is where I have to use concealer to cover the dark shading on my chin and the mess I've made of my upper lip trying to almost shave the hairs out of existence. I just know it looks horrible and I feel terribly self-concious about it. Oh, and I stupidly tried to put on liquid eye-liner; I have made this work before but frankly it was a dumb thing to try when I'm not feeling confident, and the results predictably needed to be removed.

So I spent ages getting sorted and then thought I should go out and at least try and have my first real out and about experience in the UK. I only had 30mins to get over to the shops (I wanted to go into Boots or M&S - places where there are things I can look at without feeling everyone is looking at me). Sadly I didn't get there in time, everything was starting to close and I basically chickened out.

I suppose at least I did walk out of the flat, and to/from the car and drove around but it still feels disappointing and I really need to make more of an effort to over-come things that are holding me back. I think I will look into the laser hair removal clinic in Manchester, they provide free consultations and appear to be open on Saturdays. If I can zap all the hair on my face then I'll hopefully not have to worry about caking on the concealer etc and can concentrate on make-up to accentuate things such as my eyes which even I'll admit to liking when suitably adorned with liner and mascara.

So a long way to go I think, what I need right now is lots of compliments and attention - male or female, I'm not choosy at the moment, just people to say nice things about how I look! And I'd like to start stomping on all the male behaviour and things I much prefer feeling female so I need to make more of an effort to achieve that.

Update: Here's a scarey close-up:

What are friends for ...

... surprising you with text messages out of the blue that can make you feel so much better even for just a few moments ... and that can mean the world!

Thanks to you-know-who-you-are :D