I tried to kick-start my happiness a bit today by really trying to think positive and listen to some up-lifting music and generally trying to realise that I've been through and am still going through so much and that I need to lighten up on myself and try and put everything in perspective.
I did okay(ish) with this and I had some good points today in terms of getting things done. I also had a really nice talk about to the local HR representative about my situation and it seems that the company I work for is very understanding and supportive and is more that willing to discuss how we deal with everything to avoid any problems.
My friend also suggested counselling as I've obviously been through alot and am still confused about everything. I had a few brief glimpses of the fact that I am still repressing alot of my feelings and thoughts. Unfortunately I'm still repressing alot I guess and I really don't know what is happening with my life and myself, I'm see-sawing between all sorts of feelings ... I just want it all to go away and stop being so confusing.
Oh and I think I look terrible - everything is wrong, all the little things just mount up to me not being what I want to be ... or maybe I'm just making all that up in my own head and this is all just a silly fantasy and never really going to happen so I should just forget about it all. Maybe I was fooling myself and everyone else all along?
I think it's time I went to bed, I need to get some sleep.
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