Decree Nisi

I just received this in the post today. It makes fairly stark reading:

"On 19th April 2010

The Judge help that

the respondent behaved in such a way that the petitioner cannot reasonably be expected to live with the respondent,

that the marriage solemnised on 21st July 2001

at <...>

between <...> the petitioner

and Fiona Andrea (f.k.a <...>) Bianchi the respondent

has broken down irretrievably and decreed that the said marriage be dissolved unless sufficient cause be shown to the court within six weeks from the making of this decree why such decree should not be made absolute"

It's boiler-plate text, impersonal, functional and without emotion, yet it's talking about something that is so different from those adjectives and which, in 6 weeks time will be decreed to be at an end. I think it's only now that I see it in black and white that I can begin to fully realise what a horrible shame it all is.

Did I really want this to happen? No. Did I really think that there would be such finality to a relationship, no, I didn't expect that at all. I guess I just never thought it would come to this. I don't think I expected some miraculous change where everything went back to "happy families" but I probably still had that hope in the back of my mind.

I feel oddly calm at the moment, I can actually feel myself just thinking about other things, trying to fill my head with something else to concentrate on to suppress what I really feel and just not think about it. When I consider everything we had and all the memories from my past it really does just hurt so much.

So, do I regret the path I've taken? At the moment it seems really odd to try and think about that question, I'm not really thinking about who I am, I'm just getting on with things; upgrading to the next Ubuntu version for example, thinking about plans, what to do at the weekend, etc. I would say that I don't regret my transition, but I can't really grasp that idea and explain how I feel about it.

As for the loss of a marriage that lasted 6 years and 8months and included, among the usual ups and downs so many good times and happy memories, not to mention a son who is the most fabulous little boy in the world ... yes, I regret the loss of that more than I think I will ever regret anything in my life.

I can't write any more.

Exercise!

This is the reason that I'm currently a bit behind with all my blogging; I've been cycling to/from work for the past few weeks and I'm shattered by the time I get home!

In fairness my lack of blogs updates is also due to a rather hectic time at work and the fact that I really haven't got into a good routine of early nights to match the pre 6am mornings which I need to be able to get up, cycle, shower, make-up and breakfast in time.

Anyway, I'm sure it's doing me good and I do feel a little bit fitter. Hopefully I'll be into the swing of things very soon.

More Catching Up

Okay, I should be getting more organised in my old age but apparently not! I'm really behind on all of the blog updates and have been so busy with work, life, and togging (easier to type that photography) that I've just not got round to writing anything ... which then becomes a catch twenty two as I need to cover all the events up to this point before any new topics. Of course that just means that the topics pile up and I never get anywhere!

So here is a quick catch up and I'll gradually get the photos to match these events on the website over the next week and then I can carry on blogging in a more organised and up-to-date way!

• Taking pictures of Rachel with a sword (yeah I know, slightly surreal)
• Meeting up with friends in Leeds as well as shopping with Rachel for work-wear
• My bike being stolen from the shed - not happy about that but covered by insurance
• Visit to the National Railway Museum in York - didn't get that many pictures I like as I was trying low-light togging (without flash) and the I'm a bit fussy about clear images
• Holiday away with my son visiting Windsor, London and of course, Legoland - had a fantastic time!
• Cycling to/from work for the entire week last week - VERY tiring, need to get more sleep and get use to this new level of exercise
• And just this weekend; my birthday party and seeing loads of my fab friends including my "bezzie" (it's a Brum expression apparently), Lucy.

It's amazing how much I seem to have crammed in over the period of a few weeks and need to do even more as well!

So, now I'm up-to-date I'm going to go and chill out and recover from too much alcohol, not enough sleep, and the affects of lots of having a fabulous weekend with my friends who are all amazing and I love them to bits.