Monday, 18 October 2010

Question of Attraction

I've been thinking about attraction, particularly how this relates, or more than likely doesn't, to me. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of people who I know that have been actually attracted in any way shape or form and this isn't a very comforting thought. Recent events have made me ponder what it is that I'm doing wrong? There must be something either I'm missing or that I simply don't have!

My friends tell me I'm really nice and that I look good, I'd even concede that I'm reasonably stylish (or at least try to be) so I can't really see that I'm doing anything obviously wrong. But still, there must be something about me that, at best, says "friend", rather than "girlfriend". I just don't have it, whatever "it" is.

[ For reference, this is my profile on Gaydar Girls, I didn't think it looked *that* bad, and it is totally honest - maybe too honest? ]

I don't really want to whinge and complain, I'm lucky in lots of ways, and it seems a bit wrong to be whining about this, but, to be brutally honest, my self esteem has taken some rather vicious knocks recently so I desperately feel the need to vent a little. I won't go into the full gory details but here's the brief summary: was trying to 'date' someone, became apparent she was not attracted to me, obviously bit upset about that, never mind got a new friend at least, introduce to house-mate (also my ex*), flirting followed (right in front of me), arranging to meet but excluding me, and generally carrying on like they are dating.

* - and to add insult to injury, even though we'd split, and most definitely would not be getting back together, we still had a bit of a complicated "friends with benefits" relationship. Oh, and further salt rubbed into the wound by the fact that my ex stated that she "wasn't interested" in dating this person and that she "wouldn't want to do anything to hurt me" either. Okay, I know that you can't always control who you love/lust-after but in these kind of circumstances a degree of discretion is usual, the open flirting in front of me was probably a little unfair then!

I know going on about this isn't entirely attractive either but really and truly I do need to know what is wrong with me. If I'm destined to have this kind of crap happening to me all the time then I'd kind of like to know why and then at least there will be a reason and I won't have to feel as bad about myself as I do now.

Sunday, 10 October 2010


This is a shameless plug for the next big photography event that Rachel is organising: the Leeds photoslam on 30th October 2010. I think this is about the third or maybe fourth photoslam that Rachel has organised and it's essentially an opportunity for photographers and models to get together and cram many different shoots, looks, outfits and a large amount of fun into one morning/afternoon, or in this case a whole day!

For anyone that's read my earlier posts about previous photoslams, you'll know that they're quite a challenge; from a photographers point of view you really have to think about what you're doing, trying to get the best from the pictures you're taking and thinking on your feet. For everyone it's a great opportunity to learn and teach at the same time; there is so much that goes into making a fantastic picture and being able to work with some fabulous and experienced models, make-up artists, and stylists is an education.

You can see pictures from the previous shoot we did at the Leeds Corn Exchange, the venue for the photoslam, over on my website.

In Two Minds

The past few weeks have been incredibly busy and have had lots of ups and downs. I've had so much to deal with and, at times have felt completely overwhelmed by what has been happening. I've been practical and sometimes not when dealing with everything that has been thrown at me. Some of it has been a huge disappointment and some just seems so unfair and cruel. There have been several occasions when I have simply broken down in tears and not felt I could cope.


On the other hand, I'm still here, I'm relatively fit and health, have a job I love, fantastic friends, and am, in the grand scheme of things, very, very, very lucky in my life. There is so much that I can be thankful for that others may not have. What right have I to get upset, to complain, to bitch and moan?

And that's normally how I think: I don't have a right to get upset, even with the things I have to deal with, they are nothing compared to what others go through, I really am thankful for what I have and I recognise that. I use to be able to hold this idea as a rock-hard certainly and didn't become emotional and confused and let go of that anchor, but recently it has slipped a little.

It really has been like being in two minds about everything: logical on one hand, completely emotional and distraught on the other; I've been pushed so much I couldn't control the second of these at times. I know this all sounds very vague but, rather unusually, what has been getting me down is not something I really want to share publicly unfortunately, I'll get back to my usual, open and honest style shortly on other topics.

Looking at things more philosophically, being pushed this hard has meant that I've really thought about alot of things and I've really found who is there to support me and who hasn't been willing to put up with me being an emotional wreck/powder-keg.

I'll end the rambling now and get on with more useful, and less emotive things; like the washing, ironing and tidying up which are amazingly comforting and therapeutic I've found!