Friday, 6 February 2009

Transition tips

I was going to try and be smart and do numbered transition tips but frankly I'm not that organised (though I am much better with numbers than I am with names) and really my experiences and random useful (hopefully) information is scattered in a rather ad hoc fashion though-out this blog.

Anyway (I use that word alot), it's been a hectic week, work wise, and also from an emotional point of view as well I guess, and it's only with the clarity afforded by sitting down and relaxing with a few glasses of red wine that I can attempt to put something coherent down on, well, keyboard.

I think the lesson from this week is patience. I think I got myself feeling bad because I jumped from noticing some minor signs of development/progress to assuming that I should be completely there now and then seeing that I'm nowhere near! So that then made me feel bad and almost took me back to the beginning of how I felt.

Also at this point I started to have alot of doubts about what I am doing (I wasn't going to write about this but, red wine, feeling like writing lots to what the hell). It almost got to the point where I started considering just packing everything in. Some of these feelings are down to the fact that I am really begining to understand and feel what I have lost and am desperate to try and get it back.

I have said before that I had a home, a family, a partner, and essentially a life. I'm not sure that it is possible to convey in words how much it is possible to miss those things when they sound so simple; they are things that alot of people have. I think the only way that I deal with not having them is simply by not thinking about it. This is a bad approach. I say this from the comfort of my delusional (and wine enhanced) bubble, if I think about it just a fraction the pain is unbearable but might be something I should face rather than avoid.

I think doubts are to be expected and, as with everything I'm going through at the moment, patience and perspective are needed. I know that hormones won't make me into a woman, but I need the physical, and mental, changes to happen to help me see myself as I truly am (sorry, that sounds cliched). At the moment I'm seeing what is there at the moment and, objectively, that isn't anywhere near what I feel I should be.

The bottom line is that this is a long and diffcult process and nothing happens overnight. It's equally not as easy as it may look and there are lots of ups and downs. While everyone else may realise that sometimes it's easy to forget it yourself and end up feeling down, confused, and unsure how to go on.

1 comment:

Calie said...

Fiona, I wish I could say I have experienced what you are going through right now, but I have not and probably never will...but you never know. Your writing clearly shows you are a woman in mind and your picture clearly shows you are a beautiful woman in body. There should be no reason for doubts. Other bloggers out there have had similar posts, so you are not alone.

By the way, I do hope it was a GOOD wine and, if so, what were you drinking?