Saturday, 14 February 2009

"I'm going slighty mad" (sung to the Queen song of the same name)

I've never been really good at talking about in-depth things in an, erm, well, in-depth way. Careful analysis of the blog posts will reveal that they are essentially quite superficial and in some ways more of an escape than a reality.

In some ways I think this is ironic: I have spent alot of my life in denial and now that I'm living which should be my ideal reality I'm hiding from that as well. I think that really this is another one of those coping strategies: I really can't handle reality at all and need to have lots of things to distract me from the sheer horror of it all.

It's also difficult to tell what I'm going through because, as well as hiding as much of the 'crazy' from everyone else as is possible, I hide it from myself. It occurred to me tonight that in some ways the craziness in my head might have been an early clue as to the gender turmoil. I don't mean to imply that, as a rule, females should be in some way mentally unstable but that they 'think' more about things partly due to the fact that there are apparently more connections intra-hemisphere connections in a womans brain.

This may be psuedo-science (please someone correct me if it is) but my theory as to why I'm crazy is that I have an over-active imagination that is partly caused by simply having so much stuff being triggered in my head - I can't just take things as they I, I imagine to the nth degree and this just causes so much to deal with. The only thing I can do is distract myself (hence the obsession with computers and similar - I am a geek, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I *have* to be like that to stay sane).

I think the hormones and what I'm going through in my life and making this all worse. It's harder to keep a lid on the crazy stuff and I can no longer just carry on as if everything is normal and that I'm just happy go-lucky. I'm trying deperately to hold it together but I think the more I do that the harder it gets and the more the craziness leaks out.

It is even worse that I don't have someone special in my life to dump all this on. Though this is probably a very good thing for that person.

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